The tricky thing about being a secret blogger is that people outside of that circle of secrecy think you don’t do anything. Two friends of mine were talking about a third person I didn’t know, and they mentioned that her kids are in school so they “don’t know what she does all day.” They said it in unpleasant get-a-job-you-bum tones of voice, so that I’ve had to breathe through my nose and remind myself that even when I feel like someone might be talking about me, usually they’re not actually talking about me and would be appalled if they suddenly realized it sounded like they were talking about me. Still. It showed me what they might say about me, and how they might say it, if they were to be talking about me next year when my youngest starts school.
Do you remember that group I’ve been getting together with once a month? Last night the subject came up. I told two of them (not the same two as in the paragraph above—those are different friends) that I did some freelance writing, which seemed like it gave the relevant information (“I do something, but it’s not something where I leave the house or do it full-time with benefits!”) without giving up anything private (“Hey, everybody!! I have a secret blog!!”). But I hadn’t thought through what the natural follow-up would be to that statement. So then I had to mention blogging. Now I’m feeling paranoid. It’s not that I’ve said anything on the blog that would offend (or at least, it would offend only one member of the group, I think), it’s that I wouldn’t want to be revealed like this to people I’m getting to know. Do I want them to read my Inner Thoughts about these meetings? Why, no.
More importantly, do I want them to know that I discuss those get-togethers with another get-together? Because that’s basically what I’m doing. It’s like if I went for an evening with a group of friends—and then the next day got together with another group of friends and reported on the whole thing. It’s different than that, but it could seem similar.
And I think for people who don’t blog, it would seem odd—like finding out that someone at the party took a bunch of photos secretly. One woman there mentioned that she-didn’t-read-blogs-but had any of us heard of D00ce? And I nodded and said sure, and everyone else seemed to me making the kinds of sounds people make when they don’t really mean yes—little mmmm’s and encouraging noises that mean “Go on, I don’t know who that is, but I’ve understood you’re talking about a blogger and my guess is that that’s enough for you to continue with your story.” On the other hand, that’s the kind of noise I might make, especially if I were suddenly feeling a bit nervous about the conversation heading for blogging.
Another interesting thing is that some people, upon realizing they had information about someone that they could look up, would…look it up. And some people would not. And so it’s possible that even if I said outright to this group that I was a blogger, not one single one of them would try to find me online. They might even ask polite questions, just as I would if they mentioned that they collected stamps or bought things at Goodwill to sell on eBay, but they wouldn’t then Look Me Up.
I suspect all of us are looking at each other with interest on Facebook; I suspect this because _I_ am looking at THEM on Facebook, and also because the subject comes up all the time: someone will be showing a photo around, and several people will say, “Oh! Yes, I saw that on Facebook!” Or someone will say to me, “I saw on Facebook that Elizabeth went to camp! How did that go?” And yet—when someone mentioned that they were members of such-and-such a club, I didn’t go look that up to see if there was interesting about them there. And people seem familiar with Twitter, but I haven’t searched for any of them on Twitter. And even though I have everyone’s full names, it occurs to me that it hasn’t even occurred to me to search for any of them on Google. (…Although NOW it has occurred to me.)
Anyway. It’s tricky.
I enjoy (by which I mean don’t enjoy) trying to explain blogger meetups. “You see, I, uh, go to this THING. This…girls’ weekend, I’ll call it. I know these people from…hmm…college?”
Ohh good topic. It is kind of sad though that your blog is a secret because some of them might love it, or have their own secret blog and you could end up with a good relationship with them. But I totally get it; I hate telling people I have a blog even though I wish all my friends had blogs and would TELL me they had a blog. And it’s hard to write for the audience you’ve defined that you want to write for in your mind, when you know IRL people are reading sometimes.
Googling people makes me feel icky if it’s a friend, work colleague etc. I really try to never do it. If I am curious about a friend maybe I should go for a coffee with them rather than stalk them you know? Googling strangers, bloggers, people in a professional capacity (ie to quickly find their linkedin) I am on board with.
Finally (sorry super long comment), a happy story. A couple years ago an old college friend and I met up at reunion type thing. She mentioned a message board that she posts on. I thought, hmm she can probably handle that I have a nerdy blog. She will GET it. She did get it. Now we are besties, live half an hour a part and have a really nice relationship. So that’s a happy coming out of the blog closet story. Admittedly, I usually get the vibe that people think it’s weird, or they just don’t care.
As you said, it’s tricky.
and by googling bloggers i wish to clarify i type their blog name into google to get to their site. Not try to stalk their personal life if I happen to know their real name. That falls into stalking a friend/I can’t be bothered anyway.
I manage rental property so that I can stay home with my kiddos, and I’ll tell you that the internet is the first place I go to learn about my prospective tenants. Googling a first and last name and generally not as helpful in finding out about people as you might think; what really helps me locate prospective tenants quickly and accurately is an e-mail address. That said, if your friends do not have the e-mail address that is linked up with your blog/twitter/any other location where you share information you don’t want others reading, you are probably safe from people being able to locate you by a google search.
Ooo, yes, this would be difficult. Similarly? Or Maybe not? My best group of friends is from my first child’s baby board on BabyCenter. We spun off over 5 years ago and have our own board, but it is always weird explaining to IN REAL LIFE people why I have friends – that I regularly see and talk to every single day – all over the country, all different ages, and why yes we do all have almost-6-year-olds and isn’t that interesting.
You’d think I’d be used to it since I met my husband in an AOL emo chatroom in 2000, and yet. It never gets less awkward. My old, local friends seem to be less internet-happy than I am, and they truly do not Get It, so I don’t really even bother. Fortunately I only see them every few months or so and they don’t seem to care much about my life (ha haaaa) so we can happily discuss old memories without them finding out about My Secret Life.
I used to blog under my (rather distinctive) first name. I recently took my blog down because I was so painfully aware of how googlable it was. You may or may not remember, Swistle, but I had someone claiming to know me in real life find my blog and leave unpleasant anonymous comments on it. If I start a new blog, I’ll do it pseudonymously. Luckily my last name is the name of a disease, so when I google my first name-last name it offers me “[my last name] disease in cats” way before it gives me anything about me.
My blog used to be secret but not anonymous until someone posted a big link to it right on my Facebook page. And I still haven’t forgiven her for that because it totally changed everything. It’s so much harder to write about anything real now that everyone I know reads it. And if I write anything serious at all, my mother immediately calls me on the phone freaking out. My favorite was when I casually mentioned my glucose tolerance test and I had to talk her down from believing that the baby and I both had diabetes and were going to die.
So tricky. It is very strange how different it feels to be writing to/read by Other Bloggers vs Real Life People. I found out last year maybe that one of my husband’s colleagues had found my blog… and it really affected what I felt comfortable posting. Not because I was posting anything I wouldn’t say out loud… but because suddenly it felt like someone eavesdropping on a conversation with another friend. Like I couldn’t fully be myself. Maybe the difference is the participation? Like, if you find my blog because you have mutual blog friends or because you sought out my subject matter or because you are reaponding to me commenting on your blog, that seems a lot more organic than if you find my blog because you google my name after meeting me in person.
I am often asked “so what do you do?” When I say I’m a housewife and there is this awkward silence while they try to change the subject. It really bothers me because I work HARD. I took in my sister’s very out-of-control 13 year old and I’ve transformed her into a mostly delightful, fun teenager. I want to (and needed to) be there every day after school. I’ve got a huge house to clean, a fairly useless husband (he goes to work and mows the lawn but does nothing else around the house) and three pets. I’ve got my 19 year old nephew and 14 year old niece and it is still a lot of work. Why don’t people value housewives, if this was 20 years ago no one would blink an eye.
As for blogs, I dont advertise my url on Facebook because I DO write about my real friends and family but if they ask they can have the URL. I am less comfortable with my 14 year old reading it lol.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but I can tell you that 40 years ago, at least in my mother’s social circle, people did indeed, blink an eye. A friend of hers avoided the awkwardness by substituting the answer, “I work in a home-based injury prevention program” for “I am a housewife.” Although the basis for the need to invent the substitute annoys me, I get a kick out of her answer…
Blogging and real life are a tricky mix. About half the people I know are aware of my blog, but most of them don’t seem that interested, you know? Like you said, they nod and mm hmm politely but in the same way I would if they mentioned that they cross country ski or do something I consider boring but perfectly fine if that’s what you’re into. There are a few people who get all excited and immediately ask for the link. Then I panic and try to change the subject, usually.
Sitting in the dentist’s chair this week, the dentist comes in and starts talking about my blog. The end.
The real problem is that if they read your blog, they will realize that you are a jillion percent cooler than they are.
I made the mistake of mentioning Biggest Blogging Loser to some coworkers, and I could just tell that they thought I was SO DUMB to send money to “a stranger on the internet”. I said that if Jennie had really gone to the effort of making up hundreds of people, over 5+ years, each with families and blogs and photos and facebook accounts, just to con me out of $20, she deserved it.
Gah. Non-internet people annoy me. (YES, I can have friends I’ve never met in person.)
Blogging came up in a recent conversation with real-life (work!) people, and one of them directly suggested to me that I start a blog (because I’d mentioned that I love writing). I said, sort of sheepishly, “Oh, I already have one…” but then they didn’t pursue it — one person even said something about how they understood if I wanted to keep it separate from work/life. I have another group of friends where it hasn’t come up, and I haven’t brought it up, but it wouldn’t bother me if any of them found my blog or learned about it — no one in that group seems especially plugged into the world of blogging, so I don’t think they would see it as much other than a place for me to blather on about my kid (which is kind of what it’s become lately). For my own sanity (because I found it SUPER stressful when I was more anonymous on my site, not using real names or posting photos of myself), I decided to be semi-open about it, and I operate on a general assumption that anyone could find my site, so that’s why I am overly cautious about what I write about, which makes my blog rather boring and sometimes makes me itchy when I really want to write about something juicy, but oh well. A lot of family and friends already read my site, so it’s not the world’s greatest-kept secret or anything.
Came back to read more comments and remembered something else I wanted to share, Swistle: a few months ago I got an email from a former classmate (from a private school in a class of about twenty five) who had randomly been reading my blog and then, a few posts into it, came across a picture of me and realized who I was! She was super nice/flattering, and it was cool to get that email and reconnect, BUT it’s made me very aware that since so many women at least occasionally peruse blogs, the odds of being “discovered” like that are not really THAT low. So now there’s always the faces of former classmates and church goers and such looming in my mind when I write! I too kind of wish I had gone the entirely anonymous route when I first started blogging.
I guarantee someone will stumble across your blog. You have photos – someone will recognize you (they likely already have & didn’t come up to you bc they don’t know you in real life).
I have recognized two bloggers in my big city from their photos. One was at ikea. Another – I recognized her kids…having a lemonade sale..in their front yard. As we live in the same neighborhood – I’ve seen her around (at the park and grocery store). It’s almost weird – like I have a big secret.
You are totally going to get recognized!
I accidentally found a friend’s blog by googling a recipe. Seriously. She told me about this fabulous recipe that she’d found online and how good it was. I googled the recipe and turns out she posted it on her blog for her “readers.” I mentioned it to her right away, as in, “Hey, I googled that recipe and found your blog.” Well, it turned out she didn’t really want any of her “real life friends” to know about her blog and she had posted some not-so-nice comments about some of her real life friends. Well, it didn’t end well and we are no longer friends – not enemies, though. I’m just afraid to tell her anything important or revealing for fear I’ll see it in print!
My point: Be careful what you share with friends that you maybe already shared with other friends. Google is a powerful tool!
That said, I love your blog and if I met you, I’d totally tell you how fabulous I think you are. Hopefully I’d be surrounded by the crazy chaos of my 4 kiddos and it wouldn’t be creepy! lol
So funny, I guess I knew that your real identity was a secret from us, but not that we were also secret from your real life! It makes a lot of sense when I think about why I could never really find a voice on the many occasions I tried to write a blog. I always assumed everyone I knew WOULD read it.