Yesterday I wrote about yet another “Enjoy every moment!”, and I am still incredulous whenever I hear people saying that, when it seems so widely known that people go home and weep in despair after hearing it.
I will say, however, that at least it’s a comment that’s kindly meant. The person saying it might not be aware of how such a thing sounds from the point of view of someone in the trenches (HOW COULD THEY NOT? Did no one ever say it to THEM?), but they are TRYING to communicate good will and happy wishes. I think, if we reached, we could even spin it as a sort of blessing, rather than as an instruction: like, I WISH for you that you’d be able to enjoy every moment. Even though that’s an unreasonable wish and can make a mother feel like she is failing in even more ways that she’d realized, it’s still meant WELL. It’s not meant to hurt feelings, or to cause the mother to feel like a failure, or to sound idiotic—even if it does all three of those things.
There is a lot to be said for meaning well, and in fact I think things should be said about it more often. Each situation needs to be evaluated individually, of course, but in general if the person talking to you has shining eyes and a happy face, or sad eyes and a caring face, or if it’s a person who cares about you and doesn’t generally try to hurt you, then they are most likely choosing what they think is a PLEASING thing to say, and that is a social inclination I’d rather encourage than repress. It would also be nice to encourage the inclination to assume positive things about what is meant, rather than leaping to the worst possible thing the person’s words could be twisted to mean, so that a person who is trying hard to say the right thing now feels that there is nothing at all safe from horrible assumptions of bad intent, and that everyone is just waiting to LEAP on a misstep and punish it relentlessly.
Which is not to say people shouldn’t try to improve their niceness-intended to niceness-received ratio. “But I was trying to be NICE!” is no justification for “You’d be so pretty, if you lost some weight” or “You’re too thin!” Keeping our ears open (and using the “How would I feel if it were me?” centers of our brains) is how we learn not to say such things; for many things (especially those outside our own experience) it makes sense we’d need to have it explained, but we shouldn’t need it explained twice: once we know that the received message is not what we’re trying to send, of course we wouldn’t want to keep sending it.
Yes, I think you’re right that there’s a lot to be said for meaning well. And for assuming, automatically, that the other person DOES mean well. Because there are so many ways to offend, without even knowing it. If I didn’t go around thinking, “she means well” and”she will know that I mean well, even if I botch this horribly” and “people in general are GOOD and don’t want to intentionally HURT others” well, I would probably not say anything ever for fear of saying the wrong thing.
It’s funny, because the body size comments would DEFINITELY offend me, but when people tell me to “enjoy every moment”, I don’t really mind. I just hear it as the person (generally older) meaning that these days fly by so quickly, and before I know it, they’ll be gone. I hear it as sort of regretful and nostalgic on their part, nothing to do with me at all. Of course, that may not at ALL be how they mean it, but even if they don’t, I prefer my interpretation, so I’ll just stick with it.
I don’t know why, but when it comes to comments about pregnancy and my kid, I am way more likely to assume that people mean well than I am in other situations. I worked until the day before I delivered, which was 1 week past my due date. I must have gotten a million “You’re still here!” type comments and for some reason instead of driving me crazy, they made me feel like people carried about me and the baby. And not even 2 weeks ago while playing with the baby on the beach whilst on vacation an older gentleman told me how beautiful he was and to “enjoy him while I could” and I figured he was probably just nostalgic for when his kids were little.
However, I was a freakishly happy pregnant lady, and I got an easy going kid, so for the most part I really am “enjoying it”. I’m guessing the comments are easier to view through a positive lens when you aren’t having a hard time of things.
it’s true– those people mean well so it never bothers me. it’s like the “merry christmas/happy holidays” thing. even if you’re not christian/are christian and are offended by one of those sentiments, the person uttering the words is really saying “have a festive time this winter, when so many of us are in a celebratory mood.” so even though I’M not personally celebrating Christmas as the birthday of Christ, I recognize that is a cheery greeting, and I respond in kind.
I definitely take into account people’s intentions when they some dumb thing that makes me feel worse. Of course, I am just guessing at their intention, so really I am just making up an arbitrary emotion that I am assigning to the comment.
kate- I’m certain that IS how they mean it, which is why I always respond to them as if that’s what they’ve said. I wish they’d say what they meant, though—it would be so much sweeter, and so much better-received, than what they’re accidentally saying instead.
The last sentence of the third paragraph is awesome. I read etiquette sites because I’m a bit awkward and appreciate every tip I can get on how to not embarrass myself in social situations. Unfortunately, often what happens is that I read all these gripes from people, think that there is likely another (more innocent) side to the story and begin to feel like there is no way to win with a lot of people. Posts like this help counteract the effects of those.
I agree! It just struck me as funny, how some things roll off my back without any effort on my part – that’s one and “you have your hands full” is another one – and other things offend the living hell out of me, when other people might find them unobjectionable. If you tell me, for example, “it must be so hard to be a working mother”, seemingly a sympathetic comment, all I will hear is the judgment.
You always explain these kinds of things so clearly. I’m taking notes on how to do it myself.
Oh my, yes. “Assume goodwill” is one of my favorite two-word philosophies. (Along with things like “be kind” and “avoid hazelnuts.”) It makes people on both sides of the interaction happier, I find.
I had one of those moments with a friend I ran into today who hasn’t seen me since I first made the pregnancy announcement. She eyeballed me up and down and groaned jokingly, “I hate you- you hardly even look pregnant! By the time I was that far along I was HUGE!” And the friend who was having lunch with her, a total STRANGER to me, nodded in agreement and said, “Yeah, you should be a lot bigger, hon!”
In both cases, I think what they MEANT to imply was something along the lines of “you definitely don’t look like a whale yet, good for you!” or something. But here’s how it made me feel: sort of resented, and sort of self conscious and as though I had to explain that oh yes, my body has indeed changed drastically, and oh yes, I do indeed eat plenty and have received no words of admonition re: weight gain from my doctor. It’s just an awkward comment to try to respond to. Can’t people just say something like, “You look great!”? Or, you know, NOT MENTION APPEARANCES AT ALL?!?
Every time I feel like a bad mom for wanting to hide in a quiet room (all I want is ten minutes a freaking day), I remember your post on summer tomatoes and feel better. (august 2009.)
I do my best on the good intentions front, but man did it bug me when people told me (like Sarah) that I wasn’t big enough when I was pregnant. Yes, how unfortunate I did not bloat up. The doctor hasn’t voiced any concerns, why should random freaking strangers?
(2 freakings in one comment… nice.)
I may be daft, but I’m just not sure what the upheaval is about this, and I felt that the original blog post that started it all was kind of annoying. Please don’t unfriend me. It’s meant well, it’s nostalgic and wistful. It is not a demand.. I don’t get why someone would go home and cry about it. “you have your hands full!” that I can see how someone might mean that in a catty way or be annoying in the Captain Obvious way, but this, I just don’t get the ire about this. Of course I’m not going to Enjoy Every Moment but that’s kind of obvious to me that’s not what’s meant by the sentiment… and when people have said it to me when my kids were being Unpleasant, I still did not take it that way. But a friend recently had a baby and man, she is over the top with the complaining, and the whining, and the Cursey Name Calling of the baby, and I kiiiind of want to smack her. Not because she needs to enjoy every moment, but because she needs to take a chill pill already. We all did it. We all survived. We’re all bitter in varying degrees… My 3rd kid is hell on wheels, I am on edge some days, honestly if someone said that to me I’d probably burst out laughing.. OR I’d look at him again and smile, because he’s my 3rd and I know that in a few months it’ll be some other crap that’s annoying me.
jen(melty)- It’s not that you’re daft, but you may be forgetting that different people are bothered by different things. It’s typical for other people’s annoyances to seem petty and ridiculous, while our own annoyances seem legitimate.
I don’t think it’s petty and ridiculous at all, sorry for sounding so crass. I just am truly trying to I guess, see the bad side of this statement and I can’t, you know what i mean? Like I WANT TO KNOW, but I can’t. And I can see malice in just about everything if I look hard enough.
Interesting that jen(melty) is dishing out the assessments the way she is. If I were forgetting to give people the benefit of a doubt, I would be more likely to be annoyed by the Enjoy Every Minute brigade than by the You’ve Got Your Hands Full crowd. To me, the EEMers fall into the category of people who tell you how to feel, and those people wouldn’t be doing so if they didn’t assume you were doing it wrong. It’s like telling a stranger to smile.
The Hands-Fullers seem to be cutting people slack, acknowledging how hectic things can get. Your child is about to help himself to six packs of gum? Well, you can’t watch him every minute, because you’ve got your hands full.
I always think about this “assume goodwill” issue in terms of people like minorities,who must get ignorant but often well-meant comments ALL THE TIME. (Like “I love your hair! I would never know how to do hair like that!” or whatever.) At what point do you get so sick of assuming goodwill that you stop? Or at what point do you abandon the effort to educate other people and explain things? I am so grateful for the explanations I have received, but I know I’m not *entitled* to them, you know?
Blogger keeps eating my comments. I don’t know why. But anyhow, yes, “assume goodwill” has stopped me from frothing in anger many times, especially because as a minority in America, some bonehead things are said in my general direction, but meant well.
The day of my father’s funeral, my brother and I stopped at a convenience store to buy some water. The sales clerk, not picking up on our head-to-toe black garb, chirped “Have a nice day!” with a big smile on her face. I chose to take it in the spirit it was intended, just a good wish. But if she had said, ‘Oh, hon, you have such a pretty face…[impled ending: and a huge body},” I would not have been at ALL understanding.
I do generally ask myself “is the question/compliment/person coming from a good place, or is this meant to be backhanded”, if the former, then I forgive and move on. If the latter, I stew for days thinking of clever comebacks.
But what really keeps me up is DECIDING which of the two it is…
This is why I like reading mommy blogs. Swistle, I’m not using that term pejoratively. One of my friends is struggling with breastfeeding a newborn. I was so worried about how to respond without conveying any judging, minimizing, implying, or pressuring after reading blogs like this.
For moms it is perfectly natural to say things like this to a female who doesn’t have kids:
– I’ve stopped bleeding already and it usually takes six weeks. (Six weeks! They passed out condoms in health class, but GEEZE, passing out this information may have been more effective!!!) –I’m still putting Vaseline on his penis. (Does the kid have no privacy?) – No, I didn’t get to hold her right away. They were too busy peeling the placenta out of me. (Eew, that’s an image that’s not going away.) – I squirted milk halfway across the room. (Did you say that purposefully when I took a sip of water to compare your boob squirting technique with my laughing water through the nose technique?)
These are examples of statements made/messages received “Between the Great Divides.” The married/single divide. The school/work divide. The kids/no kids divide. The parenting toddlers / trying to convince your kid to have toddlers divide. The retirement / working divide. I sort of agree with jen(melty), what’s the upheaval? I chalk these statements up to “feelings I clearly don’t understand now, but may someday.”