I’m not sure how long I’ve been reading Kim at Laments & Observations, but I remember when she posted that her stepdad-in-law had given them $10,000 for a last-ditch attempt at having a baby, and that was in January of 2009 so it’s been at least a year. There were several parts of that post that got to me: her saying that she wanted one of those baby things about as much as she wanted to keep breathing, and her talking about how the stepdad-in-law was too cheap to buy eggs for a batch of cookies but had asked if he could help them pay for fertility treatments.
Re-reading the post, I get kind of teary about it again. And especially because it’s a year later, and we know what we didn’t know then, which is that the fertility treatments wouldn’t end up working.
The next step is adoption. More than half a year has gone by, and I started wondering if Kim’s personality is similar to mine on things like this: I face something unfamiliar and I freeze up. Part of it is fear of not knowing what to expect, and part of it is fear of what might go wrong, and part of it is fear of going through all that and still not getting what I hope for, and part of it is a reluctance to start doing all the boring/difficult crap that needs to be done, and part of it is just FREEZING UP and who knows why. Obviously the right way to get started is to GET STARTED: if I don’t know what to do, I need to FIND OUT; and if crap needs to be done, best get it over with. And yet do I? No. I’m frozen.
What works for me is fret-blogging to access our collective knowledge. I might not be able to face making plans for a trip, but I can put all my frets about it into a post. And then one person says, “I don’t know about the hotel, but I can tell you that taxis are a flat-rate $50 from the airport.” And someone else says, “I don’t know about taxis, but I can tell you that what I did about a room was book one myself and then then I found a roommate she sent me a check for half.” And all these bits of information come together until I have enough basic and specific knowledge to unfreeze and start to take action. Plus I feel motivated to do something so I can give updates: it feels as if other people are invested.
So I emailed Kim and asked if she was like this and she said yes, and I said can I help by posting about it and she said yes. I would really like Kim to have a child, and I feel the urge to help, and I have a feeling that “wanting a child” is a common enough feeling that a lot of us can empathize—and can turn that empathy into assistance.
Mostly what’s needed here is ANY TIDBIT YOU HAVE. Do you have information about adoption? Did you adopt? Are you trying to adopt? Did someone you know adopt or are they trying to adopt? Have you HEARD stuff or READ stuff about adoption? Do you happen to know the FIRST STEP, because I think that is the hardest part.
What can someone expect from a home inspection—is it really awful and invasive and humiliating and do you get docked points for dog hair? What other parts are there to the process? About how long does it take, and are there ways to speed it up?
How much does it cost? And how do people afford it if they don’t have much money but would make such a good home for a child? And are there ways to reduce the costs?
How possible is it to get a newborn? How about a very young child, like say 18 months or under? What are the different kinds of adoption—like, there’s the kind where you adopt a foster child from the state, right? and the kind where you adopt from a woman who calls an agency and says she wants to give her baby for adoption? and the kind where you adopt from another country? And is it all different answers/procedures for all those different kinds?
Adoption stuff varies so much by state, and Kim and her husband live in South Carolina so of course the MOST useful information would be from anyone who knows about South Carolina adoptions—but ALL information is useful to the unfreezing process. Don’t feel awk about saying, “Er, I only know this one teensy detail I heard about Wyoming adoptions…”—OUT WITH IT! We want to know it all! Help!
I wish I could be more helpful to your questions, but I only have this to offer… my godson was adopted from South Korea 20 years ago and he was the sweetest gift to his parents than you could ever imagine. Shortly thereafter, they received a phone call that a newborn was coming into their lives. The two, just a year apart have been brothers and friends ever since.
I have to think there have to be some great adoption forums for her to explore.
Adoption is such a miracle & I am sending many positive thoughts to your friend Kim as she begins this process. Best of luck!
Oooh, I know a lot about this. We have an adopted daughter from the U.S. I would recommend as a first step calling agencies and having them send you an information packet or speak with someone on the phone about their adoption program. Do this with several agencies and then begin to compare the programs. What do you like about one agency vs. another.
Homestudy, not nearly as big of a deal as I thought it would be. It is a little odd to know that you have to disclose every detail of your life to a complete stranger, but they are a professional who just wants to make sure you aren’t completely crazy. I found it to be a lot less stressful than I had made it out to be.
DONT let cost be a hindrance. There are many organizations out there that can help you with grants/find grants, etc.
It is SO worth it!!!!
Mary is adopting a daughter from Etheopia – her adoption blog is http://findingmagnolia.wordpress.com/
and she would probably be a great person to answer questions about international adoptions.
Congratulations on this step!
My brother was adopted from Thailand thirty years ago and he was the best thing my parents ever ‘bought’ me. (Terrible joke, but it’s HIS not mine!!)
I have several friends who are adoptive parents, so here are some things I know about their experiences:
Pennsylvania: Family A has 2 adopted sons — 2 and 4 months. They were local, domestic, open infant adoptions through an adoption agency. They waited 2 years (and 1 failed adoption — that birthmother changed her mind after 2 weeks) for their first son and 1.5 years for their second. Each adoption cost them about $20K. They had the money because a grandfather died and left them an inheritance.
Family in Texas / baby born in Utah: Family B has 1 adopted son, also 4 months old. He was also a local, domestic, closed infant adoption. They used the “Family Services” arm of their (very large, very wealthy) Christian denomination. His adoption also cost about $20K, which they paid via the father’s parents’ generosity.
Both families pursued ART for a little while (3 years?). Family A has unexplained IF so continues to be unprotected and would welcome a bio child too. Family B continues to miscarry.
Both families had to produce an entry for their agency’s “Parents’ Book” that’s presented to birthmothers, who then choose which family will receive their baby. Both “pages” were also posted on the agencies’ websites. Family A celebrates both birthdays and “Gotcha Days” (about a week later) to commemorate the day they met their sons.
I believe in adoption without reservation.
Friends of ours just adopted a baby boy, newborn. They were there just after he was born. It was an open adoption, so they met the mom and can keep in touch with her. They went through some type of agency, Christian. It was expensive. On their home visit, they were kind of drilled on being in the military (moving frequently, deployments) and they have guns in the house. Neither of these things kept them from passing, but the safety of their home was a concern. I think it was about a two year process for them, which seemed semi fast to me. Oh, and they had to do the home visit twice, because they had moved to a different state.
My aunt and uncle also adopted, but it’s been 17-22 years ago. They went to Greece for their adoptions. It was very expensive, and they got each of their girls when they were 15-17 months.
Swistle, I bow to your awesomeness.
Repeatedly.
I’m so sorry I don’t know more about adoption, but I just wanted to comment anyway with some encouragement. Really pulling for you on this.
I am in Indiana, and have two (gay, male) friends who have just adopted two boys, brothers, who are 3 and 5. They fostered them first, had them on weekends for sleepovers for I think six months before they got them full time.
I have another friend who just adopted a newborn baby girl, she lives her but went to Tennessee when the baby was born to pick her up and take her home.
I have another friend who adopted a baby through the foster care system, and then found out she was pregnant, so her two kids are pretty close in age.
From what I understand, it is cheaper to do it through the foster care system. If your friend decides to go through an agency, from what I understand, she should make sure it’s nation-wide but has an office in her state/city.
I wish her a lot of luck – I know some really great adoption stories, I hope that she is one of them soon!
I have a friend who went through two traditional adoptions failures first before she finally got one that worked. So I guess my only advice is persistence. There were so many ups and downs and excitement and heartbreak but she now has three beautiful children (adopted twins and one bio) so her challenges paid off. Best of luck to you Kim.
I have a friend who, along with her husband, are starting the process of adopting an older child. In Minnesota you need to become a certified foster family first —
I know many, many people who have adopted successfully, both domestically and internationally.
Here are the 2 I know most about:
Couple A: live in NC, contacted an agency to serve as their guides (http://www.adoptioninfosvcs.com), this agency helped them choose adoption agencies that would be good matches, they ended up adopting their infant daughter in Utah. (They were in the delivery room when she was born!!)
Couple B: live in MA, went through this agency (http://www.whfc.org/), adopted their daughter in MA and their son in RI, their daughter was a day old when they brought her home, their son was 3 months old. Both adoptions are open. Had home studies done, letters of recommendation, dear birth mother letters, etc.
Both had wonderful experiences! I’m pretty sure both had financial help from grandparents.
Sending my luck and good wishes and prayers to Kim and her family!
I know a lot about international adoption, having gone through the process to adopt from Vietnam (which failed for a bunch of reasons beyond our control). I also have loads of friends who have adopted internationally and some who did domestic adoptions.
If Kim wants to email me with specific questions, I am happy to give her any information she wants! (lawyerish at gmail)
To address a few of the questions you raised, Swistle, I will note that almost no adoption path is short (or predictable), but if a couple is seeking a newborn then domestic adoption is the way to go.
Pretty much every international process is VERY long and usually the children are older infants at the youngest by the time they come home, with toddlers being more common.
Also, I would caution that the number of countries from which Americans can adopt is shrinking (mostly due to corruption issues), and programs can close or change while you’re in the midst of the process.
There are also a lot of very specific and often very different requirements for each country (and sometimes for different agencies), so researching those is the best way to start, since you don’t want to fall in love with a program only to find out you don’t qualify. (I have specific links for this if Kim’s interested — again, just email me!)
All that said, I think adoption is a wonderful thing and I wish Kim all the best in choosing the path to her child.
I just read a book edited by Rebecca Walker- a collection of essays called “One Big Happy Family.” One of the essays deals with a couple (two men) and their open adoption of a little boy. It is a complicated story beacause of the reasons the birth mom couldn’t keep the baby, but the facts and circumstances surrounding open adoption are really interesting and it turned out to be a great choice for their family.
Oh, I wish I had advice on this but the only thing I know about adoption in the US comes from Dan Savage’s book “The Kid”. I know he is very in favor of open adoptions and details the entire process in this book. Maybe it could help? Best wishes from the Frozen North.
Here in PA, we have friends who adopted two children through private adoption. Very expensive, but the mothers were local and the parents got to be present for the births and take the babies right home from the hospital.
There are also several families who have adopted from overseas, which seems to be a much longer process.
My cousin and her husband have adopted two babies from Korea. If Kim is interested in international adoption (my cousin said it was WAY easier than adopting from the U.S.) then I’m happy to put them in touch with each other. My cousin will happily tell Kim EVERYTHING she knows about it.
I don’t have any adoption advice, but I wanted to chime in with encouragement! Best wishes, Kim, may you find the path to adoption and to a baby!
We had a private family adoption, so that info doesn’t really apply. I have several friends who have also adopted. One has adopted 2 boys from Columbia (her husband is Columbian so that was easiest for them) and both were under 1 year when they brought them home. Another friend is military and they used a Christian-based agency out of Tx. The adoption cost was significantly lower based on their income and also they adopted a bi-racial child – which sadly is less expensive. Another friend adopted her daughter from SC (we’re in VA). I’m not certain of all the details, but I know she was able to be at the hospital during the birth and they took their daughter home from the hospital. Their cost was around $18K. I believe they used a family law attorney.
Once my friend knew that she and her husband wanted to adopt, she told EVERYONE about it. That word of mouth actually led to a few co-workers who knew pregnant girls who were looking into adoption. Those didn’t work out, but to get a few glimmers of hope from just telling a couple people is awesome. Good luck!
We went through fertility treatments and then adopted. We worked with a local adoption agency. We were just about to start our third year when a birth mother chose us.
The homestudy process was so much easier than I expected. I fretted…and fretted some more (because that’s my style) and then it really wasn’t bad. Ours consisted of an interview as a couple, and then each of us met with the social worker separately and then she (social worker) came to our house. We prepared a scrapbook (or as I always call it “the biggest marketing piece of my life”) to be shown to birth parents. In addition there’s a lot of paperwork to be completed (background checks, fingerprinting, etc).
Fees vary from state to state–and in some cases the parents may pay for medical insurance or other expenses of the birth mother. During our second year of waiting, we considered working with an additional agency that handles adoptions nationwide in addition to the local agency. The national adoption agency names were provided by our agency. The national ones have a reputation for shorter waiting periods and we met people who adopted through at least one of those agencies. If we had gone that route, we still would have worked with our local agency for the homestudy and post-adoption follow up visits.
We have an open adoption but at this point the birth parents are only asking for photos once a year, which we provide through the agency.
I’m sending good vibes to Kim. (Sorry for the rambling comment but this subject is obviously near to my heart…)
My understanding is that with domestic adoption it’s foster-to-adopt that varies widely by state. You’ll go through a government office, I think at the county level. Private adoptions are done through agencies and you may wind up adopting a baby from another state; that’s the most likely way to get a newborn, and is also most likely to be an open adoption (but you can choose whether you’re willing to do that).
I know several people who have adopted internationally. Those who have adopted from Asian countries have not brought their babies home until after their first birthdays, even if their referrals came months before. It is such a little thing to get hung up on, but I know I personally could not stand missing that first birthday when I already know who my child is. I do know one couple (cousins of mine) who adopted from Guatemala. They met their daughter when she was four months old and brought her home several months later – possibly as many as six, but part of the hold-up was due to missing paperwork and I think was not typical. I’m not sure if Guatemala does U.S. adoptions anymore.
My favorite blog written by an adoptive mom is http://uterinewars.typepad.com – Soper adopted from Kazakhstan several years ago (it was an incredible nightmare but ended well and I really recommend reading those archives) and has since also domestically adopted (open). Her first domestic adoption was one of the 10% in which the birth mother changes her mind; the second resulted in her second daughter.
Oh wow. Swistle you are rad. I have no advice to offer but will be watching this closely as I am also interested in adoption but have no idea how to begin. I have always been overwhelmed by the complexity and cost, but still hold out hope. Best of luck to you, Kim!
I have two friends that have adopted in the last 5 years. One has 4 biological children and wanted a 5th. She adopted from Korea. The process went smoothly for them. They completed their paperwork/homestudy, got a referral, accepted it immediately, got pictures every month or so, and met her at the airport when she was 5 months old. They had noted that they would take a child w/ low birth weight, minor medical problems, etc, and their daughter was a preemie… who weighed something like 20 lbs when she was 5 months old!
My other friend adopted from Etheopia. I think her daughter was 13 months when they brought her home. She blogged about it here: http://sweetpeasandsunshine.blogspot.com/
Good luck Kim! We are all rooting for you!
I have two adopted step-sons, one biological child, and have just watched a very close family member go through the adoption from foster process, so I have a couple of thoughts/suggestions.
1. One thing that Kim and her husband should do is have a very honest conversation about what type of child they are open to adopting. How old? What gender? What racial background? Are they open to a child with special needs? With medical needs? Would they be open to a sibling pair? Do they want open or closed? When they start the process, they will be asked a lot of these questions and it is important to know that they shouldn’t feel shame or awkwardness at having preferences.
2. The timeline of starting the process to having a child in your arms can vary widely, depending on some of those preferences. The whole shebang took less than a year both times for my husband and his first wife but part of that was that they wanted a biracial child not a white one, so the wait was much shorter.
3. It can be less costly to adopt out of the foster care system but that process has its own drawbacks, especially if you foster a child who hasn’t been “released” for adoption yet. A good social worker is a God send and can help you understand the risks of the process.
I just wanted to offer encouragement as well. I was adopted as a baby, and there aren’t words that can describe how grateful I am to be here today even to be able to type this comment. Best of luck to Kim, I hope she is able to find all the answers she needs!
Oh! And Mary at Owlhaven writes about adoption. She and her husband adopted six of their ten children. http://www.owlhaven.net/category/adoption/
Chiming in that I was also adopted and am so very grateful that things worked out the way they did. If Kim is interested and wants to hear about things from the adopted end of the spectrum, she’s welcome to read my archives – I’ve written about the process of meeting my birth family a couple of years ago.
Good luck Kim – and SWISTLE, YOU TOTALLY ROCK.
One of my coworkers actually just finished the domestic adoption process for a 10-year-old and 12-year-old (brother and sister), but it was the final step of a long process.
They started several years ago, first looking into foreign adoption. They spent A LOT of money (several thousand dollars) looking into Vietnam. They lost about $10,000 on this venture, and it would have been an additional $20,000 + travel costs to complete the adoption. Ultimately, because of changing regulations (and foreign adoption regulations are ALWAYS changing) they had to pull out of the process.
They then looked into domestic adoption, and found that it was difficult to get an infant or even a toddler, but that many, many older kids needed permanent homes. There were many close calls, but nothing was panning out and then, kind of suddenly, there were these kids who needed a home.
The domestic adoption was cheaper, and, because they’re now caring for children who were formerly wards of the state and who are also considered “special needs” because of their troubled upbringing, my co-worker and his wife are getting about $2700/month to care for the kids. Because they had already planned financially to care for two additional kids, they’re able to put all of that money into savings accounts for the kids. But the money is THERE and it’s USABLE to help raise the kids. I should also offer the caveat that they live in a particularly wealthy county, but there might be similar programs in South Carolina.
Re: the home visit — he said it was no big deal. The home study person mostly checked to make sure the home wasn’t a toxic environment (that there wasn’t a dungeon in the basement, etc.) and then talked to some neighbors and friends. They also had to submit a financial report, but that was mostly to make sure that the end balance was a positive number.
This has been a lot of words. I hope it helps! I think adoption is wonderful.
Oh good lord, I feel so stupid for not having just blabbed to Kim about this myself…but now I’ll do so here so all the stories are in the same place. Swistle, you’re awesome for thinking of this whole thing.
I know of two adoptions, neither of which happened to people very close to me, but I’ll tell you what I know.
1) A second or third cousin of mine back in VA who was a very late bloomer – I think she was almost 40 before she married – tried for many years to conceive before they finally tried adoption. I’m not sure how many route they attempted, as I wasn’t privy to much and that indirectly. But they ended up adopting little Thomas from Guatemala about six years ago.
Thomas was a baby when they met him – they were allowed to carry him around, and even take him for short walks, but they were told to stay only within certain boundaries, as the native Guatemalans (not the child’s family) were occasionally hostile toward Americans swooping in to “take their children”. VERY late in the game, there was a snag in which the Guatemalan end (govt? Agency? I don’t know) almost put a halt to it. My cousin ended up getting her congressman to intervene – it went to that length.
Anyway, the adoption went through. They all seem ridiculously happy – especially my great aunt and her husband, who desperately wanted grandchildren and finally got their wish when they were in their 70s.
2) My coworker’s daughter and her husband, who are my age, adopted a boy about three or four years ago. This was a local adoption done through a Catholic charity organization. As mood swing indicated above, they made a scrapbook about their family, talked about their own families and their theories of child rearing, took a series of classes, and then waited. They were told that the average wait time was about two years.
This couple, both white, had some long discussions about the ethnic backgrounds of children. At first they both wanted a white child, then the wife relented but the husband held out, then the husband relented. After about a year and a half they were matched with a young pregnant woman.
They weren’t allowed in the delivery room, but the baby was born and whisked directly out to them. The natural parents signed away their rights (he has half-siblings but was conceived while the mother and her husband were separated, which is why he was being placed out) and after a few months, the courts declared the rights of the natural parents completely terminated as per all agreements.
The judges and the agency assured them that this state’s laws on such things are extremely strong and never has an adoption been overturned because a birth parent later changed their mind.
That’s what I know…hope it’s helpful!
I live in South Dakota and adopted an 18 month old out of the foster care system in 2000.
When we did it we had to meet the child who would become our daughter once. We had to read her foster care file (scary stuff in there), we had to take the PRIDE classes for foster/adoptive parents. I believe it was once a week for 6 weeks. We had to be fingerprinted and had a background check run during the class.
And then after the courts finally got their ducks in a row we got to drive 8 hours to social services and pick up our daughter.
She had to live with us for 6 months before we could finalize the adoption. Because she was in foster care the state paid for the adoption (about 800.00 back then) and because she has some issues from her past they pay us a monthly subsidy until she is 18. She will also have medicaid until she is 18 because she was a foster child.
I would highly recommend a former foster child as an adoptive placement. It hasn’t always been perfect but it was a fabulous way to expand our family (we have 5 kids).
My auntie adopted three children from South Korea. They were all young enough not to be crawling yet. After 14 years, they are all still in contact with their foster mothers in Korea. It’s been wonderful for everyone. :)
I’m sitting here bawling like a little baby, reading all of this. Thank you all so much; I’m completely overwhelmed with gratitude. And for the first time in months I feel something like actual hope.
I have an awesome book about international adoption, if she’s interested in going that route. It was very informative and made me want to go adopt RIGHT THAT SECOND. Even though I’m still not sure if I want to adopt at all. It’s called The Complete Book of International Adoption: http://www.amazon.com/o/ASIN/0767925203.
Also, I don’t know how many young kids are available this way, but I’d suggest she check out the foster system. The kids there are in desperate need of homes and the process is also significantly less expensive than private domestic or international adoption. A good place to start would be http://adoptuskids.org/.
First time commenting but I am an adoptive mother of a 5 year old girl who we adopted at birth. Domestic open adoption, we see her maternal birthfamily about twice a year, keep in touch via Facebook. We are currently 20 months into our second adoption wait, and we have had a couple “failed” adoption situations.
From my perspective, research is key and remembering that adoption is about finding families for children, not children for families. It can be an incredibly heart-breaking journey but also an incredibly amazing blessing when your child finally comes into your lives.
I am a member of several different adoption forums and read a lot of adoption-related blogs, lots of differing perspectives out there about adoption, how to do it “properly”, etc.
My primary blog has a lot of adoption related posts and links (as well as a bunch of other stuff), so feel free to send her my way.
This was sent to me by Nia Vardalos who adopted from the American Foster Care system. She is their spokeswoman and highly recommends adopting these kids. There are something 100,000 kids who are free and clear to adopt having been giving up by their parents SAD! It answers a lot questions about adoption from the American Foster Care system. Good luck!
I’m still in IVF treatment, but am starting to look at adoption after 2 failed cycles. This site might be a launching point: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2006/06/whole-lot-of-blogging-brought-to-you/
My one piece of advice? No matter where you are in the process, there are a lot of other people who have been through it. Just try to reach out.
I’m happy to help, but because this deals with my job, i’d rather talk offline. feel free to email me at jodi@lucidphoenix.com. And so you don’t think I’m some crazy lunatic, my blog is jodifur.com
duh forgot the link to the video- http://www.theroomlive.com/_/Nia_Vardalos_Room/Nia_Vardalos_Room.html
it’s really great and answers lots of questions :)
A friend of my mom’s has adopted two children internationally. The process was crazy expensive, but there are loans and assistance available to help wtih some of that. The advantage she found in international adoption was the looser restrictions in some areas–she was considered too old to adopt by most domestic agencies.
Another girl from my hometown adopted from Russia. Her blog chronicles their journey in detail-from filling out paperwork, to homestudies, their initial visit to Russia, and adjusting to life at home. I think it’s a great resource for seeing how the process flows, and she has great links to other adoptive families. Here’s the link: http://www.child-of-mine.blogspot.com/
Wishing all the best to your friend!
We didnt want to be pregnant and adopted two littel girls. Bio sisters who came at different times and then became pregnant. I would pic adoption over pregnancy any day. But you have to make your own choice because adoption can be one of many options to add to your family, but it can’t be second choice.
Costs can figure themselves out. Domestic versus international really depend on your level of comfortability, wait time and how you want your family to be.
We have an open relationship with my girls 1st mom. She’s amazing. I wouldn’t trade that realtionship for the world – even when its hard.
Best of luck. Email or check out my blog if you would like!
Whelp, I know nothing about adoption of children, but we are contemplating donating our frozen embryos for adoption. The concept is totally weird for us, but we have 12 really nice-looking embryos and we feel…well, we’re sorry we didn’t pick them even though they’re just as beautiful and they’re not children but they’re sort of halfway there.
I don’t know what kim’s problem, fertility-wise, is, but if she’s on the road to adoption of a non-biological child she may want to check out the possibility of embryo adoption. We’re going through CCRM for ours.
I’ve never personally gone through the adoption process. However, I’ve seen quite a few friends do so, both internationally and domestically. I can say with absolute confidence that adopting internationally is VERY expensive – much more so than adopting domestically. Though both ways come with their own set of obstacles, ups, and downs. I know that many people choose to adopt internationally because they don’t want their child to know their birth parents or have any complications regarding “those things”, but I can’t think of ONE adopted friend of mine who has ever NOT wanted to know something about their birth mother and biological father. Not because they want to live with them or anything like that – of course they view their adopted parents as their true parents and they love them very much, but simply for reasons of curiosity. There is something in us that needs to know who we are and where we came from and why we look the way that we do. My husband does not know his birth father, despite a few dna tests, and I know that it weighs on him and is something that he strongly desires to at least have some closure about. Some people go to great lengths to find their birth parents after they are old enough to not be under their adopted parents’ supervision any longer.
I think that adoption is a beautiful thing. That someone would be willing to open their heart to love and welcome a child who is not biologically their own is miraculous on many levels. I personally think that welcoming that child – and everything that comes with them, including their birth parents – who may or may not want to be a part of their lives – can be even more beautiful. Imagine the witness of love you are bestowing upon the birth mother and so on, to share with her the blessings and growth of the child she did not choose simply to abort – Praise be to God. I cannot imagine that giving up a child you’ve carried for nine long months can possibly be easy by any stretch of the imagination.
I think that oftentimes, because we so badly want something to be ‘ours’, we can lose so many blessings in our tunneled vision.
Anyway. Just some food for thought.
I don’t really know anything, except a family who adopted a child 23 years ago. They used Lutheran Family Services and had a very good experience. And I googled it, and it looks like there’s an LFS specifically for the Carolinas.
That’s such a lame contribution, but I am taking at face value your request for any little thing.
My heart goes out to Kim.
I know almost nothing, but my friend called a local adoption agency that HER friend had used and signed up for an information session. And if you freeze at the idea of the phone (like me) she said she could have signed up on their website, too.
Then she WENT to the information session with her husband and was given a lot of what she needed to know to just GET STARTED. It was a good first step for her.
Ugghhh… I’ve just spent the past hour crying on the adoptuskids site. Christ, if I see one more kid who details include sexual and physical abuse or the worst… “non-accidental” injuries that have left the child several disabled, I will be sick. I don’t know what kind of world we live in, but I can’t imagine the amount of fury that I would rain down upon someone if I ever found out they hurt my child in some of the most horrible ways.
That site broke my heart and my thoughts on humanity…..
No useful info but I recently read this lovely blog post about a couple pursuing adoption and thought it might be a nice read for this family: http://rosylittlethings.typepad.com/posie_gets_cozy/2010/02/the-clearing.html
A friend of mine adopted two kids through a place (in Virginia, I think?) that specializes in open adoptions. She has two boys and has had them from infancy. I have no first-hand knowledge about the degree to which the boys’ bio-parents have remained involved.
That’s next to nothing as it gets but it’s nice of you to marshal the troops this way, Swistle and I hope it works out for you, Kim.
xo
I consider myself a potential adoptive parent, so I can’t offer a lot of specific details about the process. I know many people who have adopted children (and I have several friends and acquaintances that were adopted), and I think the process itself will vary greatly based on what kind of adoption you choose–domestic, international, open, closed, foster, infant, or waiting child.
I have spent really a crazy amount of time looking at various blogs on the subject. There are a LOT of blogs out there, many of which can offer specific advice and timelines, etc. Once Kim and her husband decide what kind of adoption they want to pursue, they can rest assured that there are many people out there who can offer advice on their specific avenue!
Something that’s been particularly valuable to me has been to read many different perspectives about adoption. It has helped me clarify my feelings about what sort of adoption would be the best, most ethical choice for me.
I recommend Grown In My Heart (www.growninmyheart.com) for the variety of perspectives on adoption from its bloggers–international, domestic, foster care, birthmom, and adoptee.
And while it may be a little premature, because it talks about adoption after the kids have come home, I also think that this post from a mother of a recently-adopted pair of siblings from Ethiopia is HUGELY valuable: http://theeyesofmyeyesareopened.blogspot.com/2010/02/thoughts-at-six-months-home.html
I will say that I came to the idea of adoption with very strong positive feelings about it. It seemed so simple to me–a parent that wants a child, and a child that needs a family! But the time I’ve spent reading about other people’s experiences has opened my eyes to how complicated it can be. There are a lot of birth parents, adult adoptees, and adoptive parents whose experience has been anything but simple.
With all that said, I still consider myself a potential adoptive parent. It’s complicated, confusing, bureaucratic, and expensive, but I imagine it’s also worth it.
Kim, I wish you and your husband the absolute best of luck as you start on this journey!
If she has any inclination at all to adopt a child with special needs (Down syndrome particularly) http://www.reecesrainbow.com/ is an awesome site that finds children all over the world with Down syndrome and accepts donations to reduce the cost to adoptive families. Take it from me, children with Down syndrome are awesome kids and it’s my honor and joy to parent one.
Kathy
I adopted my daughter from Guatemala (international adoption) in 2001. We chose international adoption for many reasons, one of them being that our child could come home at less than 1 yr. old, and a personal feeling that lead us to that particular country thru other friends/families.
Just the facts first: It took about 1 yr. from starting out with the homestudy to holding my baby in my arms on the trip home. It cost approximately $25,000.00 altogether, which we took a home equity loan out for, and there is a $10,000.00 tax credit available for adoption (or there WAS when we did it). The homestudy was really not a huge deal looking back on it, but you should do alot of research/thinking/talking soul-searching before deciding which path to take on the road to becoming adoptive parents. Being good at details/paperwork is a plus, but you can even hire that stuff out, too.
So, on to the emotional stuff: My daughter is the miracle of my life–there just aren’t words enough to describe what a deep happiness I have being her mother. God meant this for me, I believe it absolutely.
Kim, I am happy for you and all your sorrows will seem far away when you hold your child/children in your arms. You can totally do this!!
One thing I have not seen mentioned so far is that there is an adoption tax credit that is now about $11,000 I believe. So you have to have money to pay for various aspects of the adoption (fingerprinting fee, homestudy, etc– all one at a time, not so overwhelming financially) BUT… You get quite a bit of it back on your taxes if you live in the US.
We adopted both of our children, one internationally and one domestically, both as infants.
We had one failed domestic match, so our experience wasn’t totally without it’s drama. But, oh… It’s been perfect and wonderful, and our sons are amazing and smart and handsome and sweet! Deciding to adopt was the best decision we’ve ever made!
I only know general info about domestic adoption. I know that if you foster, you risk the child being taken away, but you don’t pay anything if you end up adopting the child. If you adopt through an agency, the cost is pretty high. And, like everything, there are risks of a mom changing her mind, etc.
Internationally can sometimes come out cheaper than a domestic agency adoption, but it depends on the country and if you use an agency.
We’re currently adopting from uganda and NOT using an agency.
I say, if you feel the pull to adopt, do not let the cost scare you. I’ve read time and again the stories about people who just said, “Ok, we don’t have the money, but this is what we’re supposed to do, so we’ll take the first step. And the step after that…” And the money was somehow there when it came time for each step. There are tons of grants, interest free loans, and fundraising ideas.
Home studies are more invasive with foster or domestic adoptions. I think the most annoying part was all the safety things they required.
Praying for Kim and hubby as they make this decision. Always happy to help if they want more info.
We have close friends who did a domestic adoption in Dallas through an agency; they were very open to a child of any race or background. They actually ended up getting their beautiful newborn son much earlier than anticipated, due to the fact that the first family that the birth mother chose for placement backed out of the adoption. I believe it took about 18 months from the time they initially filed their paperwork. He’s six months old now and his adoption should be final any day.
I’m happy to get more background info, should Kim want it. Keeping them in my thoughts.
We adopted our daughter 23 years ago. She was 3 days old when we got her. A good friend of ours was a lawyer and had a client that wanted to put her baby up for adoption when it was born. He knew that I had 3 miscarriages and was going thru fertilty treatments and said when this girl appeared in his office wanting to know what to do about adoption, I was the first person he thought of. He called us and told us the situation. It was April and the baby was due in August. He said to think about it and as it got closer, he would be in touch. So many negative things went thru our heads about adoption. Much advice was given by our families. I was ready to say no. Then my husband went on a fishing trip to the Chesapeake Bay and brought home the Baltimore paper. Two whole pages in the classifieds of couples wanting to adopt. Our little podunk town paper might have one ad like that a week. It was then that we realized what an opportunity we were being given. 23 years later it was one of the best decisions we ever made.
The home visit wasn’t bad at all. She asked to see the inside of our car. When I asked her why, she said because most people clean their homes knowing she is going to look at everything, but never think she would look in their cars and sometimes you can tell how clean some people keep their homes by looking in their cars.
Our daughter had some learning disablities and at times was an extremely difficult child, but I would not change a thing.
Most of the time I feel that she acts just like us, but sometimes some of the things she says or does are nothing like us at all. Nature and nurture are definitely in her. She is beautiful, doesn’t look anything like my husband or me, but she couldn’t be any closer to my heart if I had carried and delivered her.
I am adopted. My mom adopted me when I was 6 weeks old, back in 1985. I know they waited about 3 years, (while trying to get pregnant themselves) and 3 weeks after they got me, they found out they were pregnant! Me and my brother are 9 months apart and I couldn’t have been placed in a better home. All I can say is DO IT. I know I will. I don’t know where I’d be if not blessed with my wonderful family!
Oh, and I just read the post above my first post and the nature vs. nurture is so amazing! I met my birthmom 2 years ago, and look EXACTLY like her. I have a very similar personality to her as well and we have mannerisms exactly alike. It’s so crazy! I did of course learn actions from my parents from the way I was raised and do want to point out that my mom and dad will ALWAYS be mom and dad. They raised me to be the woman I am, and I will never forget that.
I am from Canada, so the laws I am sure are different. My adoption was a “closed” adoption but laws changed in 2003 where my adoption records were released. I submitted an application and received my government records 2 months later and learned my mother’s full name. I found her on Facebook! But that’s another story… if you’re curious, (since I’m at work and can’t write the whole novel) everything is on my blog on the very first post. :)
My husband and I adopted a little girl from Guatemala two years ago. Adoption is a wonderful thing. The key is finding a good agency. One that you feel comfortable with and that you can trust. We are starting to look at adoption again and we will probably do domestic since international adoption is becoming much harder and many children now you don’t bring home until after they are at least 18 months. We brought home our little girl at 8 months, but unfortunately Guatemala is shut down for now.
As for the cost like many others have said there are grants available that can help. Plus the tax credit will help. Also check with your employer, some do give you money if you adopt.
My husband and I chose to have our family through adoption and we are so happy we did. We look forward to adopting our second child.
Swistle: here is some info that I came across in a news article for users of Yasmine/Yaz BCP. I know you use Yasmine so I am passing this onto you.
http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20100310/birth_control_100310/20100310?hub=Health
I know from family friends who were going to adopt (then after 7 yrs of trying got pregnant in the process) that the agency answers all of those questions for you. I’d say just contact agencies and see which one you like best. They’re set up to help w/ all of the questions, reservations, etc. Kind of like a travel agent for getting a baby.
My old swimming teacher adopted babies from Korea and her husband got to go over and get them relatively young, a few months old. I think if you want a newborn you’d probably have to stick to US born babies b/c the red tape is less than Intl babies.
And an old co-worker of mine used to foster a LOT of kids and did the home inspections. She said it wasn’t that big of a deal, they just come to make sure that the house is a safe environment for kids. They aren’t really looking to do a white glove test, but more or less making sure it’s kind of an up-to-code environment more or less.
Oh and PS – not sure of the cost difference, but if it’s relatively the same she might want to try an agency that helps w/ either adoption OR surrogate. That way it would technically be a biological child and she would be guaranteed to have the child from birth.
I have no personal experience to offer, but please have her check out:
http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/4236700/ShowForum.aspx
(It does require registration for a free account since it is a message board.)
It is frequented by women who have a lot of experience with adoption, so she could definitely pick their brains for information… or just “lurk” (read others’ posts without posting anything herself) and learn a lot that way.
I’m sure there are other similar sites (like on BabyCenter or some of the other big ones) but TheBump is the one I’m familiar with.
I know very little about adoption, but I wanted to offer a bit of quick advice: tell everyone who will listen that you want a baby and are interested in adoption. A couple close to us adopted twin boys. The birthmother, a high school student, hid her pregnancy until her 8th month. When she finally told her family that she was pregnant and wanted to give up her child, her aunt arranged for an immediate trip to the OB/GYN and suggested a local adoption agency. The OB said it was twins. The prospective couple identified by the adoption agency backed out, deciding they didn’t want twins. The OB heard this, and suggested that the girl consider a lovely couple she knew (my friends, who were known to the doctor because the wife is a pharmecutical sales rep that regularly visits the OB’s office). A call was placed to my friends, who expressed their absolute interest, and they went out and secured an adoption attorney. Their adoption plans were finalized on a Monday, the twins were born on a Wednesday. My friends got to be in the room when their twins were born, and took them home two days later.
I realize this sounds unbelievable and is certainly extremely rare, but miracles do happen! Don’t be shy in telling people your desire to adopt…
This is not meant to be a discouragement.
Babies become who they are because of BOTH genetics and learning. Commonly people think that learning is the major influence on who we become, but genetic tendencies are strong and set the potential for intelligence and physical ability.
Would Kim be willing to adopt knowing there is a risk the child will have special needs?
I cannot imagine many circumstances where the guarantee of no developmental problems would be 100%.
If Kim and her husband can be engaged with a woman during the pregnancy, there is the benefit of knowing much more about the baby before birth.
The most preventable cause of developmental problems is alcohol during pregnancy.
I am from Canada and so can’t be very helpful about adoptions. But while I was reading all the comments, what I kept asking myself was whether Kim had considered a surrogate mother. I do not have children and do not wish to have any but I have often wondered whether I would have the courage enough to be a surrogate mother myself. I have always found that these mothers are the most selfless and gift-giving.
I’m from SC and don’t have a lot of personal experience with adoption, but my cousin has adopted 2 children as newborns domestically. She lives in Columbia but used a lawyer from Spartanburg (who also has offices in Columbia and the lowcountry) named Fletcher Thompson – http://www.adoptionsc.com – who is very well-regarded, well-connected, and experienced in the state. For each child the process took about 18 months and cost $15K-$20K (but this was before the adoption tax credit, I think).
Adoption has been a natural part of my life, a cousin adopted as an infant, my sister is a birthmother who paced a child for adoption and
I am an adoptive mom to a daughter from China. While international adoption can be expensive, it does vary from country to country and domestic can be expensive as well. I’m pretty open that our costs were about $20,000 including home study, travel, all agency and in-China fees. Since we waited about a year from the time our dossier was logged in until referral, we had time to save up the money. $20K is a lot of money, but a lot of people don’t have too much trouble paying that much for a car… :-)
The wait for a non-special needs child from China is over three years right now and expected to get longer. SN adoption are much quicker – about a year and many of the SN are quite managable such as cleft lip/palate, heart defect, limb difference. Often, the kids have already received surgical repairs prior to adoption.
Not everyone wants to be a trans-racial family and that’s fine – it’s something you have to honestly reflect upon and make sure you’re ready for the challenges you’ll face.
May I suggest a resource?
http://www.creatingafamiliy.org
They have info on adoption, both domestic and intl. and have charts for all the countries open to adoption with their requirements and costs.
I just wanted to chime in that all of the personal stories have really touched me. Being a mother has been the most amazing thing ever to happen to me. My miscarriages some of the worst. I so hope that you, Kim, get that baby thing- however it’s meant to be. Good Luck!!!
With all due respect…adoption should be about finding a family for a child that truly does not have any natural relatives that can take them in..not about finding a child for a couple simply because they want a child.
I know very little about adoption, but I have a friend who has adopted three boys from Kazakhstan in connection with http://www.twoheartsforhope.org (the second two boys were brothers, and they were offered the infant along with his toddler brother.) I also know a couple who were foster parents with the State of Washington, and got a call from a hospital saying a baby had just been abandoned, and if they could immediately come and become her foster family, then there was a good chance of adoption. And there was, as she is now their daughter. In both cases, perhaps a little scary not knowing the medical history of the children, but they are all (parents and kids) so, so happy to be together. Makes my heart sing.
This is a subject very close to my heart and I admire Kim’s willingness to reach out to the blogging commmunity via Swistle and the outpouring of resources and support is phenomenal.
My husband and I are the adoptive parents of both of our children.
For Kim to say that she wanted a baby as much as she wanted to keep breathing, I know the feeling. Our first (biological) daughter was born premature and lived for only 3 weeks. Our second (biological) daughter was born with a rare and severe syndrome which took her life at a mere 3 months.
Following our devastation, we decided that adoption was our only option, but where to begin?
We had a friend who was close with an attorney who did private adoptions. He had recently met with a young birth mother who wanted to place her child with adoptive parents. She was 9 months pregnant. Our friend phoned us immediately, we contacted the attorney, prepared a family autobiography and met with the young mother. She chose us to be the parents of her child one week later. My husband was the first one to hold our new daughter in the delivery room.
Two years later when we decided to put some “feelers” out to try our luck at adopting a second child, we told everyone we knew that we wanted another baby and before long, another friend learned of a young mother who was looking into adoption for her child as well. We were chosen to become the parents to our son and I was in the operating room for her C-section.
Miracles happen, Kim. I recognize that our stories are not the norm and some people have their names on adoption lists for years to no avail. My suggestion is to research some attorney offices in your area (in a broad range!)that handle adoptions. Find out if they have any birth mothers searching for adoptive parents and get your information to them.
Because of the time line that presented itself in our first adoption, we completed our homestudy in less than a month. It is a lot of red tape, a LOT of hoops to jump through and a general pain in the butt. BUT! hopefully your effort will have it’s own reward.
The price for each adoption varied, but like another commenter said, the tax credit that you get for adopting really helps to defray the cost. One more thing to keep in mind, because both of our birth moms were on government assistance, welfare picked up the tab for the delivery.
My heart goes out to you and your husband and best of luck to you!
sorry I wrote a novel there…
i don’t know much about adoption, but it’s something i will not rule out for our family. my in-laws were looking into adopting from ethiopia. from them i know that the future parents’ age is a factor. they are both in their late forties, so that ruled out many countries.(and maybe domestic, but i’m not sure.) my sil became pregnant so they have stopped / paused the process, but it had been almost two years without a referral.
the first step is the most difficult. just start gathering information at several agencies, no strings attached. good luck with everything!
I have three younger siblings who were all adopted through the foster system in NC. My family also fostered two other children that ended up going back to their biological families. One of those had come to us as a 12 day old infant and we thought we’d be able to adopt him. Just before he turned 1, his mom worked her life out enough to get him back. It was the hardest and most painful thing our family has ever gone through, but it was the right thing. I was 14 at the time and I was devastated, so I can’t imagine what my parents felt. It was the right thing, though, and he continued to be a (smaller) part of our lives for a long time.
My other siblings all came to our home when they were older (4,4, and 10), and it was a different sort of challenge to form an attachment with an older child. Ultimately, it has all worked out well.
In NC, you can specify what kinds of children you are open to fostering. The more open you are, the more likely you are to get a placement, but you can specify that you are only interested in healthy infants of a particular race that are adoptable. You just have to know that there are a lot of people who only want healthy adoptable infants and there are a lot of (sweet, lovable) older kids who need homes, too.
wish I had some helpful information. Even though I know a few families who have adopted (some international, one domestic) I don’t know any of the details.
Also, I had a friend who gave her baby up for adoption a couple of years ago. I believe that adoption was private and conducted with private lawyers between her and the adoptive parents. It’s an open adoption and she gets to visit the child and the parents send her pictures every few months. They are a wonderful family! Best of luck to your friend, Kim!
I am SO excited that you are planning and researching this post! My husband and I recently made the very difficult decision to adopt in a couple of years after a very emotional and tragic time with our first/only biological child. I have been doing research for years, but it will be SO nice to have the info you get from your blog base.
I was adopted as an infant from Korea so I’ve ended up with an instant bond with people going through the Adoption process. I would highly recommend visiting the site: http://www.adoptionagencyratings.com/ before choosing an agency. The cost and placement rate varies widely.
Good luck!
I would like to reiterate what Christina said about adoption, that it should be about finding a family for a child who has no natural relatives, not about finding a child for a couple that wants one. As an adoptee raised by an adoptive mother who wanted a little girl after having 3 bio sons, I always felt a massive amount of pressure to live up to an expectation that I could never meet. I really believe that people who cannot have children need to come to terms with their infertility and not use an innocent child to heal a wound that is not their fault or responsibility. Too many potential adoptive parents deny that what they are doing is getting a replacement child for the one they could not have but ultimately, deep down, that can be how an adopted child feels.
Don’t know if anyone’s covered this yet, but a friend of mine has a daughter who was adopted (he’s the birth father.) They went with an open adoption, so the daughter knows who he is and they stay in contact… writing cards and sending gifts, etc. He’s got a few pictures of her on his desk at home — one with her little brother (don’t know if he was adopted or born into her family.) In practical terms, he’s kind of like a godfather to her, and as far as I can tell it’s really good for all of them.
Anyway, that’s all to say that adoption has come a long, long way since my generation was growing up. I think, where circumstances are right, an open adoption is wonderful for everybody involved. And even if that’s not what winds up happening, I think there’s a lot more cultural wisdom and acceptance around adoption; support for both parents and children, understanding that families are built many different ways.
Excellent resources: Adoptive Families of America; the North American Council on Adopted Children (NACAC); and the Evan Donaldson Institute. They are excellent resources! Adoption is one of my academic areas of expertise, so feel free to contact me via email.
I can totally relate to wanting a baby as much as I wanted to breathe.
I’d love to be of any help to Kim – email: smrtmouse at yahoo dot com
We adopted our daughter domestically in 2008 as a newborn infant (I was even in the delivery room when she was born).
As a first step, I would google local agencies and/or local informational meetings. Then when ready, move on to a home study.
There are a lot of options – domestic, international, open, semi-open, closed, etc. It can be overwhelming at fist, but knowledge is power! I found that the more I talked about it with family/friends, the more comfortable I got with all of the information and the less overwhelmed I felt. It’s like when you have to simplify everything down and answer questions it doesn’t seem so complicated after all.
The biggest thing – This is exciting! Yea, Kim! Congrats!
No first hand knowledge, but a close family member adopted a beautiful baby boy via a domestic open adoption. The families used a private family law attorney and (from my position on the outside) it SEEMS like a successful, ethical open adoption, where everyone went into it with the baby’s interests in mind. I had a lot of questions about the adoption process and the issues it raised when my family member started the process and learned (am still learning) a TON from Heather at productionnotreproduction.com. I think her blog is an excellent look at the hard and the good of open adoption.
Good luck! Mar
We are in the process of adopting a child out of the foster care system in Iowa. When you adopt from the foster care system, there is virtually NO cost. Adopting babies is where it gets expensive. I don’t have a lot of knowledge on private agancy adoptions of international adoptions but can point you to several resources that have been a Godsend to us:
BOOK – The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting by Laura Christianson
BOOK – Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents by Deborah D. Gray
On Blog Talk Radio, look for a show caled “Creating a Family” as it talks about all forms of adoption, and is VERY informative.
WEBSITE: http://www.creatingafamily.org
Also, I did a search through my Google Reader for blogs that talked about adoption, and have several great blogs I read daily to get tips and info from. (In the next day or so, I will have a link to these blogs on my site under the tab “Mission:Adoption”)
I hope this all helps.
I also wanted to share this information for anyone who is considering adoption:
How much does it cost to adopt?
The total cost of adoption varies depending upon a number of factors such as the type of adoption, the agency through which you work, the state in which you reside, attorney fees and whether travel is required.
Range of Adoption Costs
Foster Care Adoptions $0 – $2,500
Licensed Private Agency Adoptions $5,000 – $40,000+
Independent Adoptions $8,000 – $40,000+
Intercountry Adoptions $7,000 – $30,000
(Source: http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/s_cost/s_cost.cfm)
I’m sorry for the adoptees who commented upthread who were abused or neglected or some way mistreated by their adoptive parents, but that’s not the norm. Birth parents can also mistreat or abuse their biological children, but that’s not the norm, either. Isn’t the best case scenario to place children who need loving homes with loving people who want to be parents? If the adoptees who commented above had lived with their bioparents all along there is the possibility that there might have also been abuse. I had a pretty happy childhood with my (bio) parents, but there are ALWAYS childhood “issues” to work thorugh, adopted or not.
The point is, it doesn’t matter whether I, or any of the other adoptees who have commented here, was abused by our adoptive parents or not. There is still a sense of loss..and I’m sorry, but growing up with your natural parents does not mean that you “get it”.
Adoptees have lost their heritage..their right to obtain their original birth certificates..their families. Who here as a child, raised by their biological parents, can say they’ve lost that? Who here can say that they couldn’t look in the mirror because they were upset they didn’t look like the rest of their adoptive family?
The best case scenario is for a child to grow up with their natural relatives. I do know that there are certain circumstances in which that is not possible, but I stand by what I said…”adoption should be about finding a family for a child that truly does not have any natural relatives that can take them in..not about finding a child for a couple simply because they want a child.”
Is it the “best case” scenario to grow up with your bio relatives no matter the QUALITY of the parenting? I’m not trying to be snarky- I’m really asking, because, to me, it seems that the QUALITY of parenting is of paramount importance. I’ m all for open adoption, making sure adoptees have access to information, relatives, parents, heritage as much information as is possible. But isn’t the MOST important thing to have a home in which you are valued, loved, respected, educated etc.? Or is the MOST important thing to be raised by people who look like you? (I hope that’s not TOO important, because my (bio) daughter looks NOTHING like me).
I think if you’d actually read my response, you’d see that I said “The best case scenario is for a child to grow up with their natural relatives. I do know that there are certain circumstances in which that is not possible..”.
I KNOW that there are parents out there that just weren’t cut out to be raising children..take my adoptive parents for example. I get it..really, I do.
I don’t think the most important thing is to look like your family, but when it’s staring you in the face every day, then it becomes an issue for the adoptees.
My feeling is that there needs to be more programs and support for the expectant mothers out there who feel that adoption is their only choice.
My sister adopted a US infant last December. She tried to conceive for 5 years and was never able, “unexplained infertility”. We encouraged her to adopt but she never did anything. I got pregnant and she got feisty :) It was the push she needed to get the ball rolling.
To try to sum it up quickly the investigative/approval process was not that bad. They found a local agency and started classes in October. They had to take a few parenting classes, infant care classes (all these classes were with other adoptive parents, not pregnant ones) meet with a pediatrician, have home visits and were assigned a social worker. The social worker did most of the coordination of activities. The agency has a very specific process and timeline you follow.
They started the process in October and were on the list by June. They created a portfolio with pictures, letters of reference, and an explanation of why they wanted to be parents and what life would be like for a baby. They were placed in a book with 100’s of other couples hoping to adopt.
15 months later they were picked by a 16 year old pregnant high school sophomore from a small town in our state, amazing. She and her boyfriend initially picked my sister because she kind of looked like the birth mother and they liked my brother-in-law’s salt and pepper hair. After they read the profile they were sure they wanted my sister. My sister and her husband went up once and met with the entire family and the deal was done.
The baby was born on 12/21 and my sister brought her home on Christmas Eve. They went to the hospital and picked her up, the birthmother handing the baby over to my sister. Heartwrenching. This special teenage girl picked us to be this baby’s family and we will be forever grateful.
The cost was over $30K. The laws in our state have changed since then and now the birth parents can ask the adoptive parents for up to $2000 in cash to cover misc expenses (rent, car repairs, etc) while the birth mother is still pregnant. You have the option of turning them down but if you don’t pay up they will probably move onto someone else who will.
Because of the financial burden my sister has decided not to adopt again. The international adoptions can be even more expensive and the misc costs they allow just keep adding up. I told her when they are 70 and have a bunch of money in their retirement fund they might look back and wish they had spent the money to adopt again.
What we learned it just take the leap and get the process rolling. It may take a while but at least you are on the list. It takes some people years, we know my sister was extremely lucky!
In response to Christina, yes, we agree about women having more choices and options, that is ALWAYS a good thing. Women who face the choice of what to do with an unplanned/unwanted pregnacy/baby are in a terrible, tough position and you and I agree about the more support/choices/options issue. I’m still left with the feeling that you think adoption is a BAD option based on your personal experience of abuse/neglect by your adoptive family. I think the stories people have shared here prove that there is another, WONDERFUL side to the adoption coin. Good luck making peace with your past- I know other survivors of abuse (not necessarily adopted!) who struggle with overcoming complicated feelings of rejection.
No, I think adoption is a bad option because it’s not about the child. It’s about the couple WANTING a child.
My friend S. has an adopted son and he is a sweetheart. She has a semi-open adoption in that she remains in contact with the birth mother, who is a mess BTW, but S. feels obligated to help nonetheless; but that is just because she has a big heart. That’s all I know, sorry.
Christina said “adoption is bad because it’s not about tthe child it’s about the couple wanting a child.”
isn’t that true of ANY situation? here’s what i mean: you are a person who wants to be a parent so you: try to get pregnant or maybe try to adopt. maybe you can’t do either of those so you try fertility drugs or surgery. maybe you try fostering or surrogacy. ALL of those options are about wanting a baby, wanting to be a parent. for some people, adoption is the FIRST option, or one of several options. It is ALWAYS about wanting a child/wanting to be a parent. In my experience (I am a parent) it wasn’t until my daughter was WITH me that it became all about her. Up until that point it is abstract, all about wanting to be a person who has children-all about ME. When a person DOES NOT want to be a parent, placing a child for adoption seems to br a viable option, no? Your experience does not reflect the adoption experience for everyone…..
Cheers to “Anonymous”!! I applaud you!
Hmm. Most affordable route is through the state (adoptuskids.org), who usually license out to local nonprofits (they actually handle the placement & care of kids). The thing is, you’re more likely to get sibling sets or special needs than a single baby. here in florida, they have a series of 10 classes you have to take before you do the home visit. It’s nice because you meet some social workers and have a good idea what to expect before it actually happens. Plus, there’s lots of conversation starters in those classes… and other couples you meet, which can be a good support too.
But for a single baby, try local Christian foster homes or any national religious charity (like Catholic Charities, Lutheran Services). They are a bit more (around 10k last I heard, um 2 yrs ago?) but you don’t have to be that denomination/religion to be a part of it. It’s about serving the kids.
Check with employers and your insurance– I work for a nonprofit who will reimburse up to $5k expenses for an adoption (after it’s final) and also gives extra ‘family days off’ for it. You never know!
“When a person DOES NOT want to be a parent, placing a child for adoption seems to br a viable option, no?”
A woman’s hormones are affected by her pregnancy state before she even gives birth. So she could start off not wanting to be a parent at all and by 9 months and after having given birth, bonded with her baby.
“isn’t that true of ANY situation?”
Yes. But the difference is that in order for a parent to become a mother through adoption, someone else had to have surrendered that child first.
If someone biologically has their child, then there is no biological mother to have given up that child to begin with. It simply is a biological mother giving birth to her biologically-related child. The adoptive mother becomes a parent only because someone else cannot.
P.S. And before anyone asks, no, I did not have a bad experience.
“I’m sorry for the adoptees who commented upthread who were abused or neglected or some way mistreated by their adoptive parents”
There’s that old line again: “I’m sorry if YOU had a bad experience, but not everyone was treated badly.”
The point isn’t about whether or not we were treated badly by our adoptive parents. It’s whether or not adoption should have been done to change our lives.
“Birth parents can also mistreat or abuse their biological children, but that’s not the norm, either.”
It better NOT be the norm. Birth parents can also “mistreat or abuse” their children, but they are not SUPPOSED to. I don’t know why this is always used as a counter-argument as if to prove how “low” biological families can be compared to the societal standard of adoptive families.
‘So what you were adopted? At least you weren’t abused or neglect.’
So. What do you say in response to a child who WAS abused or neglected? At least you weren’t dead?
Stop saying about how the worst could have been so much worse, because pretty soon you’ll end up at “At least you aren’t DEAD.”
And that’s a pretty low standard to have to compare any bad situation to, regardless of whether or not it would have been true.
It’s emotionally dismissive and silences the person who is just trying to express themselves – bad OR good adoption experience.
Now, I don’t know the whole story behind it, but I was a friend of theirs, and it was in South Carolina. :) I did part of my undergrad at Converse College in Spartanburg, and there was this family with three older kids at church. Sweetest couple you’d ever meet. The dad was from Hawaii, and taught the whole congregation to answer “aloha” back to him when he spoke in church.
Anyway, I think it was a second marriage for at least one of them, and the mom couldn’t have kids for health reasons. They did domestic adoption and were given a beautiful baby girl. They fostered her for around six months (She was tiny when they got her but I wasn’t really acquainted with them then) and then it was almost another year before the adoption was final. Funny thing was that she was the spitting image of her adopted mother! People were always shocked when they found out that she was adopted because they looked so much alike. When the baby was three, they got a call out of the blue to let them know the availability of two baby boys and were asked if they wanted one.
Of course they said yes! I haven’t seen them since 2000, but last I knew, they were in process to adopt the little boy… who was the spitting image of his adopted daddy, right down to the receding hairline!
I am an adoptive parent. In order to GET STARTED, the first steps are to do your research, gather as much info. as possible, and decide what type of adoption you want to pursue. Get a spiral notebook or 3 hole ring binder to make lists and notes. Read books, magazines, adoption web sites and blogs. More importantly, talk to adoptive parents and adoption professionals. One turning point for me was attending adoption conferences and workshops. I met people who were happy, excited and hopeful – very different from the world of infertility. Events and workshops sponsored by adoption agencies can be helpful too, but keep in mind, one of their goals is to market their services, so by default they are not 100% objective. When you have a good understanding of different types of adoption, then you can decide which option feels right for you (domestic, private, foster-to-adopt, infant, older child, special needs, international).
Then you focus your research on your preferred option. Look for adoption professionals you can trust to help you on your journey (agency, adoption attorney, social worker, etc.). They will explain the timeline, costs, training/classes, home study process, documents required, etc. If you want to use an adoption agency, that is the time to attend their intro/orientation sessions to decide which agency is right for you.
Something to think about: at the end of the infertility journey, there are no guarantees that we will become parents. At the end of the adoption journey, we will become parents.
Everyone gets nervous about the home study house inspection but it is simple. They just need to make sure there is a safe and secure home for placement. It is not a white glove test. The harder part for me was the autobiography.
Good luck on your journey. YOU CAN DO IT!
Jeez, I NEVER, EVER said or implied that adoptees are lucky because their situation could have been worse if they’d stayed with their birthfamily as Mei Ling implied above. THAT ISN’T WHAT I SAID! I was only pointing out that MANY adoptions situations end up being wonderful and beneficial for the children AND parents. This can be acknowledged, surely, by even those who are opposed to adoption in general. There ARE happy endings. These anti-adoption folks that are posting here are so extreme and negative and angry and unwilling to have an open dialouge. Sometimes it does work out for the best and adoptees are happy and well adjusted. There ARE happy endings that come in many forms.
Whew, 100 comments. Well, I’m not going to read through them all. But I did want to give input about my cousin’s adoption situation.
My cousin, S, and her husband live in Indiana. They decided instead of having children of their own, they would like to be foster parents. So, this last fall/winter they completed classes with an organization (sorry, I don’t know the name) to do so. Their intention with this organization is to “foster to adopt”. They were hoping to get a “family” with several kids. They were very well prepared with this group and really enjoyed the experience.
In January, they received their first placement. It was two children/siblings. A boy, 3, and girl, 5. And they were adoptable. S couldn’t be more excited. The kids have already started adjusting well. After 6 months, they will be able to adopt.
Good luck to you and your family as you explore this new role.
Dear ones, I think we can ALL agree that the ideal is for a child to never be put up for adoption, yes? In an ideal world, adoption would not occur. And yet here we are in THIS world. If the adoption system needs to be changed, I think energy should be put into THAT rather than into fighting on the internet. And until the system IS changed, there are children who DO need to be adopted, and a family that desperately wants the child seems like the next best thing to what would happen in the ideal world.
I have no tips or advice, but I can and will pray for her. Nothing better (or, cough, more frustrating ;)) than being a mom, regardless of how you get there!
Ok, I’m so not going to read through 101 posts so I’ll give you my take:
We adopted domestically in NC. Yes, its expensive but it DOES vary from agency to agency. (think 15K – 30K+) If you are waiting for a child you will probably wait longer. HOWEVER, unfortunately you can shorten the wait by being “willing” to adopt a biracial child – I have a rant about this but that’s another day.
The house inspection was not that big of a deal. She scanned through, looked in our hallway closet (we have guns and she wanted to see that they were secure) and also wanted to know where the fire extinguisher was. So it was nice to have a SPARKLING house but that wasn’t really what she was looking for. She wants to see that you have a space for the child and the environment is safe.
Oh and I know you don’t know but the terminology is “place child for adoption” not give up. I didn’t know before so I wanted to pass that on to those that didn’t either.
A reader of yours left me a link to this post on my blog… (http://holpeterson.blogspot.com). My husband and I did a private domestic newborn adoption here in TX this past year and the entire process was only 11 weeks long!!! (From the day we were eligible until our baby was born and home from the hospital with us). I would love to talk with you further if you still have questions about domestic adoption. Please leave me a comment on my blog, or feel free to email me at holpeterson@gmail.com. Prayers and blessings to you!
Swistle, I think your response was dead-on. In a perfect world, not only would there be no need for adoption, but every child born would be born into a family that loves and cares for them in the best possible way.
I pray that Kim and her husband are able to provide a loving home for a child in need of a loving home. I pray it will be an experience of blessing for both parents and child(ren).
I have no experience with adoption, but have enjoyed watching the adoption process at http://www.myspecialks.com. Renee (the blogger) & husband had four biological children, one with DS, and decided to go through Reece’s Rainbow to adopt a DS daughter from the Ukraine. I find myself wishing I could follow that path, but I know that is not the right path for our family at this time.
Thanks for taking on this (obviously) passionate topic.
HI, I live in South Africa, but I did want to share this story. A friend of mine has been a single woman for a long long time. No fault of her own, no man was good enough. Anyway, she was getting on a bit and decided that as no man was around to do the 5mins of work that results in a baby, and the idea of a sperm donor was a bit skeevy, she decided to adopt. Fast forward almost 2 years, she now has a bouncing 22mth old, Hannah, and has never looked happier or more fulfilled. It is such a precious gift to give another person, the chance for a good and happy life. Go for it I say.
Well, we adopted our amazing, lovely, wonderful little girl from Haiti two years ago. She is the BEST part of our lives and I SO believe in adoption. Tell your friend to go for it-just google some agencies and get started, she’ll will never regret it. Along these lines-I am a textile designer and mama to a little girl born in Haiti, after becoming a mixed adoptive family I realized how limited the textile world (blankets, bedding, clothing…) was for families like mine. Last year I started designing prints for the families I see around me every day and have just launched a new line called “The New American Family” I would be delighted if you took a look and maybe if you liked it shared the news on your site. There are prints with two papas and their kiddos, two mamas and a little girl, single parents and mixed families, adoptive parents and biological parents.
You can see the line here:
http://www.etsy.com/shop/manoallamano