Do you remember that group of other women I’ve been getting together with about once a month for almost a year now? We get together at one house or another and eat appetizers and drink wine, that group? Well, I HOSTED one. It took me six weeks to think it through, but I did it.
I did it for several reasons. One is that we had gone through all the women who were eager to take a turn hosting, and in fact one of them had taken a second turn. I think there are people who like hosting and people who don’t, and although it makes sense for the former group to do more of it, it can start to feel unfair anyway.
Another reason is that I heard one woman saying she wasn’t going to host because her house was too messy. I thought about the houses where we’d met so far, and all were very, very clean, and uncluttered, and nicely decorated. It makes sense that “nicely-taken-care-of house” and “likes to host” would often go together; and I can identify with the feeling that my house isn’t nice enough to host. But…when the only people who host are the people with clean and nicely-decorated houses, that not only keeps a certain cycle going, it makes the cycle much worse over time. Meanwhile, when I go to a house that ISN’T clean and nicely-decorated, I feel RELIEF and INCREASED AFFECTION: I think, “Whew, I don’t have to worry about my house with her!” My mom, who keeps a clean and nicely-decorated house, confirms that she feels that same relief at the sight of someone else’s messy home.
So it seems to me that in a group, someone has to Go First: someone with a non-clean, non-nicely-decorated house needs to act like it is perfectly acceptable to host a get-together in such a house. WHICH IT IS. But this can’t be SAID (“Oh, don’t WORRY about it, we don’t care!”), it needs to be SHOWN. So I did.
It was a little difficult in the days before the get-together not to go into a crazy, fury-stressed, misplaced-anxiety-fueled cleaning frenzy, but I managed it by thinking of a messy house as a deliberate and philosophical act here. A service to humankind, really. (Also I re-wrote Sara Bareilles’s song to be about not-cleaning instead of about dancing alone in public.) Plus, my dining room was still reasonably clean from Thanksgiving, which means my messy house looked about ten times better than usual, which I guess actually means I was cheating from the get-go. But without that boost, philosophy would have been insufficient. (Perhaps I will take my hosting turn at this time EVERY year.)
My goal was to keep all (additional) cleaning at a reasonable “wiping counters and moving things out of the way of where we’ll want to put the appetizers” level, not at the “cleaning the crack between the stove and the counter” level. And I succeeded, except for cleaning the silverware caddy, so I thought that was pretty good. I also remembered to make ZERO REMARKS about the messiness of the house, since those draw attention to the messiness that would otherwise have gone unnoticed, and/or are annoyingly reassurance-seeking, and/or backfire by adding strength to the idea that only people with perfect clean houses should host.
My third reason (I don’t blame you if that lonnnnnnng second reason made you forget we were in a list of reasons why I decided to host) was that I’d noticed that after I’d been to someone’s house, I felt like I knew that person more than I did after seeing her at other people’s houses. I’m one of the quieter ones in the group, so I thought this was a good strategy for letting people feel like they knew me a little better, presuming they desire to feel that way, which is necessary to presume or else all is lost.
A fourth reason didn’t emerge until AFTER I’d issued the invitation and people had started to accept: I realized that taking a turn hosting made me feel like a more permanent, solid, committed part of the group. Like, if I’m HOSTING, then I’m for-sure a MEMBER. I realized I felt the same way about the other women who hosted: once they’d hosted, they definitely BELONGED to the group. I remember one woman hosted after attending only one get-together, and I thought something like, “Whoa, she’s really serious!” So there can be some symbolism there for both the host and the hosted, and it was symbolism I was glad to have accidentally acquired.
These are all SUCH good reasons and I am so weirdly…proud? I guess? or really PLEASED that you hosted. I bet everyone had a GREAT time and loved being there.
And now I want to know more, MORE! How many people came? What snacks did you provide (I know it’s potluck, but does the host end up serving more than the dish-bringers? Or is it always one-dish-per-person across the board?)? Did any of the children wander in and out of the gathering? How WAS it?
I think it went WELL! There were eight of us including me, which makes for quite a loud group with often more than one conversation going and no awkward silences. Usually it’s one-dish-per-person (though sometimes someone’s dish will consist of an assortment of appetizers/sweets), and this time my contribution was sugared mixed nuts, but then I put out a bowl of cheese popcorn because the nuts looked like such a small bowl. I also had two unexpected contributions that made me feel like A Prepared and Accomplished Hostess, because just by coincidence THREE people didn’t bring wine (everyone always brings a bottle), but I had two extra bottles that I keep on hand just in case of a Wine Emergency so I brought those out (it was too bad it was $3 Walmart wine this time, but in a Wine Emergency we take what we can get); and also one person brought hummus without dippers, and I happened to have three open boxes of appropriate crackers. I sent the children AND Paul over to my parents’ house for the evening!
That sounds like as perfect of a hosting experience and outcome as one can have! Yay!
I have only just started to realize the satisfaction of Having Extras on Hand. I’ve recently started buying things “in bulk” (in my limited space & budget world, this means buying like, 1 extra bottle of wine/stick of deodorant/box of Band-aids) and I just feel so *prepared* and *responsible*. Ha, anyway, I can imagine the pleasure you felt in thinking, oh, we need some more wine? Let me go grab some from my “collection!”
Yay! I was also wondering whether the kids behaved themselves with Paul corralling, sounds like you did it one better. Sounds like a complete success!
I am so impressed that you took the time and effort to make this happen. I really wanted to host a Holiday Open House this year (and even had it all planned out in my mind), but alas, I couldn’t work up the courage to send out invitations. Reading posts like this one make me think I might be able to talk myself through some type of social gathering at my house this summer. It doesn’t seem like it should be so hard, but for some reason I get really lost in the details.
I think the ONLY reason I could do it is that someone else started up the group FIRST. That first woman is the one who picked the guest list and the activity and the setting and the concept—and then we started taking turns repeating it. So one thing I’d noticed, and which also helped me TREMENDOUSLY, is that I never thought of the host as “hosting it” per se. They seemed only to be providing a warm shelter for the pre-arranged get-together to take place. So when I hosted, I reminded myself of that same thing: “I’m not really HOSTING, per se—just providing the location.”
Good on you!! I’m so glad you went for it and it went well.
Sounds like a success!
This is truly uncanny. I was shoveling the driveway this morning thinking about how much more comfortable I am hosting Christmas this year after my brother and sister-in-law and brother hosted last year. They tend to be the “spotless for entertaining” type of people and so am I. But, last Christmas my sister-in-law was struggling with a few issues and was forced to let a few things go. The house was just fine, but not spotless like it normally is when we are there. I remember putting my bag in the room that had become the catch-all for my nephews’ and niece’s stuff – hockey bags, hockey paraphernalia, snow pants and a wide assortment of kid-related stuff. It was a HUGE relief. I realized that maybe others feel the same way when exposed to what I refer to as a “real life” home. The stuff in that room and whatever else she let slide did not in any way whatsoever affect our holiday fun. So, who cares?! Our 25 year old son had to move home last June temporarily (he’s still here, but that was the plan) so we’re buried with our stuff and his stuff, including his 3 part large heavy sectional that is shoved in a room with his mattress and box spring. I have to let it go, and I shall.
My sister-in-law married to my only brother. I guess he’s so special I listed him twice?
I love it when you talk about this stuff – the ways some people (me!) have to talk ourselves through things that others don’t seem to see as daunting. I hosted a Holiday Open House this last weekend and it was so mentally stressful – but a relief when it was done. Oh to be breezy about these things, like people in magazines or on TV who say “We do a lot of entertaining…” – so thanks for making me feel not so unusual!
Sounds like you did a wonderful job! Way to go, Swistle!
I’m so proud of you! Hosting an event is like having children: If you wait until you’re truly prepared, it will never happen, so you just have to jump in and do it. Although having a child is forever and a terrible event only lasts four hours, so the model breaks down somewhat, but you know what I mean.
Oh, this perfectly describes how I feel about wanting to host my moms’ group’s “last chance before Xmas” get-together that has been planned for Dec 20th. Alas, another woman has already offered up her place. Next time: ME. Must do. I love the tip, too, about not making any self-deprecating remarks. I SO have to remember that when I host things (rarely). It’s easy to start apologizing for the dimly-lit half-bath, or the stack of old magazines on the hearth, but if you keep your mouth shut (self!), no one even notices.
So glad you took the plunge and I like the unexpected gift of feeling more like part of the group. I like to host people only after dark so I don’t have to clean as thoroughly.
I realized this year that the angle of the sun in the wintertime absolutely highlights the dust in my living room and kitchen mid morning. So I hate to host play dates in winter.
I love this and agree with everything you said. I am not a natural open-house / host and it is so nice to hear of everyone having the same concerns and issues. I’m perfectly happy to go to other homes, but eventually it feels conspicuous if I don’t host! I’m a clutter person too, and am always so relieved to go into another house with STUFF.
I am also interested in the foods you have been providing and have had there. Awhile ago you did a post on appetizer type food and I would love another one! I got so many great ideas from commenters.
Can I make a few observations from a person who generally has an uncluttered/clean house and who often hosts? The fact that my house is almost always clean and uncluttered has nothing to do with impressing others and has everything to do with my mental health! I need an organized space in order to not feel unwell. Having said that, I love going to my friends messy chaotic houses because I love being invited out! I could care less what their homes are like (unless things are really gross/unhygenic) because my cleanliness issues have everything to do with my own space and nothing to do with anyone elses. I often end up hosting because I have the most kids and it seems easier to just come to my house but please don’t think it’s any easier for those of us with clean houses. There is still prep work, outlay of expense and clean-up. Also, I have four kids that I have to watch out for as well. I much prefer being invited out but often host out of a sense of duty!
Yes, it’s always interesting to hear from a different perspective! I’m particularly interested to hear that from your point of view, it’s no easier or less work for people with clean houses to host.
I hate hosting for all of the listed reasons and also because hosting gives me intense anxiety about not being in control of when *I* am done. At someone else’s house, I can leave. And I often leave earlier than others. At my own house….I can’t do that. And the few times I HAVE hosted people I’ve had awkward too-long lingerers! And I can’t get away! Because I’m hosting!
The thought of being trapped in my own house like that practically gives me hives.
Nevertheless, I’m impressed with your good hostessing.
Oh my gosh, this reminds me of a New Year’s Eve when I was in grad school. My husband (boyfriend at the time and wow, does it sound weird to say “boyfriend”) and I had invited our friend over to watch movies because that is our favorite thing to do on NYE. Our friend, in turn, invited two other friends to come along, and that was fine with us, but then they WOULDN’T LEAVE. I was quite literally falling asleep on the couch and these two people (the original friend was planning to stay over from the get go) just kept staying. They stayed and stayed! I didn’t know what to do! I dropped hint after hint about being exhausted, but to no avail. I just couldn’t bring myself to ask them to leave, so I thought so I finally said I had to go to bed thinking they’d get THAT hint, but they STILL STAYED! WHILE I, THE PERSON WHO LIVED IN THE HOUSE, WENT TO BED! Obviously they were there to hang out with the original friend invitee, but it was so weird and awkward.
But normally, I like to host. I have, for the most part, reached some sort of zen-like acceptance at my clutter which I know isn’t really that terrible anyway. I would very much like to live in an entirely organized home, but I can’t quite get there with the children following along behind re-disorganizing everything, so I try not to get too upset about it. I have some clear spaces and some problem areas, but I am fortunate in that I can shut the problem areas behind a door.
But I’m proud of you, Swistle! Your reasons are all excellent. I also feel extremely relieved when a friend’s house is not pristine. Pristine houses just make me feel bad about myself.
If you ever want people to leave a Christmas party start playing Ukrainian Christmas Chants. People will leave within ten minutes. It’s never failed me.
This made me laugh so hard my 4 year old came in and asked what was so funny.
We are hosting two different Christmas parties this year, one family and one friends, and my normal OCD self is getting worked up wanting everything to be totally clean and perfect, and my rational self is saying things like, “No one WANTS your house to look perfect! They will, on arrival, be HOPING to find weak spots and imperfect areas so they aren’t intimidated/put off by you!” It’s such a tricky balance. It sounds like you found it. A relatively clean, uncluttered main area with room for snacks and mingling is all that’s required at these things. Oh, and at least one clean bathroom! And once everyone gets there, a few glasses of wine to settle yourself down.
You are like a superhero to me with this! I love going to people’s houses that aren’t super clean for all the reasons you listed, but I have a really hard time letting people come to mine when anything’s out of place because I can hear my mother’s voice in my head. I am going to follow your example and try to just let the clutter hang out more.