I have had this open on my desktop for six days already, and it is too time-sensitive for even that amount of procrastination/delay/thinking, so I am not going to wait any longer but am posting it now for the group to take a crack at it.
Dear Swistle,
I wrote to you earlier in the pregnancy, before we knew baby’s sex. I delivered a baby girl 11 days ago. She’s still without a name.
The name we brought to the hospital was Beatrice. It was the only name my husband, three children, and I agreed on. I could tell my husband wasn’t thrilled by its length (he prefers one and two syllable names), but he wasn’t objecting or putting out other suggestions, so Beatrice it was.
The day we went to the hospital, we brought The Baby Name Wizard to look through middle name options. Our teenaged daughter has been very involved in the naming process. She has put more time and effort into finding a name than my husband and I combined. She had put post-it notes with all the middle names we’d discussed in the book to help is out (so sweet!). One note – for the name Phoebe -was longer than the others, saying she knows I already vetoed it (it was my childhood cat’s name, it’s a close friend’s dog’s name, and I immediately think of Phoebe Buffay), but would I reconsider? She had just finished reading a book with a character named Phoebe who was really cool and shared the same interests as my daughter and I (thrift shopping, vintage anything, and reading).
When I came home, she had put post-it notes on every page of the book that mentioned Phoebe so I could easily find them. She’s the most easy-going kid and usually defers to others’ preferences. The fact that she was quietly pushing for the name Phoebe was out of character so we felt we should explore it, especially since she spent hours and hours looking up baby names and making lists.
It turns out all the kids preferred Phoebe, my husband did, too, AND The Baby Name wizard lists all 3 of our older kids’ names as sibling matches for Phoebe (E$mé & 0l1ver and in another section of the book, it has @bel and Phoebe in the same Bible name section).
It seems like Phoebe was meant to be. And yet…
I just don’t know if I can use it. I’ve gotten over the cat and dog thing. And the FRIENDS thing. I think that other famous Phoebes have since helped dilute that association. I’ve gotten over how it sounds a little goofy with our last name (it’s one syllable and begins with a “Bee” sound, like Bean).
But I’m still not sure. Fee-Bee. FEE-BEE. It’s not…pretty. I keep thinking of the FRIENDS episode with Christina Applegate (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LVS2O3ha8f0). It is quirky and has a long history of use, which I like. It has lots of literary references, which is great. And my family loves it, which makes me want to love it.
How do you choose between two names? Thoughts on Phoebe with the sibling set? How much naming power is it reasonable to give up children (teen, tween, and second grader)? If I had more say in choosing the other kids’ makes, should I just give this to my husband/family? (But using a name I’m not sold on for my child seems such a huge ask!). Using either name feels so unnatural and strange. At this point, I think I’ll mourn not using either one of them a bit.
[I have thought about your post on your regular blog several times since reading it. I, too, feel like I make things more complicated or difficult than they need to be. I wish I could just name a baby in utero, or choose a name “just because I like it”, or even just pick between two names right in front of me. I wish I weren’t waffling or stressing and that I was just enjoying my new, sweet baby fully, instead. But if it weren’t this, I’d be fretting about something else, I’m sure].
Thank you for reading,
Michelle
Name update:
Dear Swistle and Lovely Readers,
Thank you so much for your help in naming our fourth baby. I appreciate all the readers’ comments so much. Immediately comforting were the comments that suggested we temporarily shelf choosing a name to prioritize rest and to just enjoy our baby. We took the advice and it really helped relieve the pressure.
We named our sweet girl Ph0ebe M@ude. M@ude was a name that was on my husband, daughter, and my lists for middle names – independent of each other! – so it was easy to choose.
Reading all the feedback was so helpful, even if it wasn’t in favour of the name Ph0ebe or of letting children have a say in choosing their sibling’s name. Your readers’ different opinions on the matter helped me sort out how I feel. The commenters with daughters named Ph0ebe also helped tremendously. So far, almost everyone has expressed pleasant surprise at hearing her name, just as the parents of Ph0ebes described in their comments.
My husband and children are thrilled. How do I feel?
I love her name and I’m so happy my eldest suggested it! It feels like our baby just *is* a Ph0ebe to me now.
It’s quite an about-face, I know! I’m even surprised by how settled I feel about her name. Besides the comments mentioned above, here are some other things that helped:
– I had to stop holding the name up against all the names that, for various reasons, we couldn’t use (solid Swistle advice from other posts; I just had to actually apply it).
– As several commenters suggested, I thought differently about the crux of the matter. It wasn’t really about whether or not Ph0ebe was my all-time favourite name. It was about whether I was happy to let my family – my husband and eldest, in particular – have their all-time favourite name. It turns out, I was.
– I had to stop constantly repeating “FEEEE-BEEEE” in my head and under my breath. When I stopped focusing primarily on phonetics (and saying them in an unnatural and exaggerated way), I could think about how much I liked other things about the name: the story behind it, how much family loved it, the meaning, the way it looks on paper, that it’s bright and friendly-sounding, how it flows with our other children’s names, how it’s familiar but not overly popular, etc.
– Rereading page 11 of the Baby Name Wizard. There, under the heading “So close, but which one?” it says, “If at the end you genuinely love two names equally, here’s a potential tiebreaker: imagine your kindergartener asking how you chose her name. Is there one name you can spin a particularly compelling tale about? If so, then you’re getting an extra bonus with that name, a dose of personal history and meaning.” Choosing Ph0ebe gave us that bonus.
– Just committing! As some commenters said it would, once the name was settled, the relief at finally having chosen a name was immense.
Some silly/surprising/pleasant findings since making the name official:
– Discovering by chance that in Bert’s “Jolly Holiday” song in the 1964 Mary Poppins movie (one of my kids’ favourite movies when they were younger), he sings the phrase “…Phoebe’s delightful, Maude is disarming…”. Neat!
– Realizing that my eldest daughter and youngest son’s names each have 4 letters and my eldest son and youngest daughter’s names each have 6 letters. A silly detail, but cool to have happened unplanned.
– Some friends addressed cards to “Baby Ph0ebe”, which made my heart skip a beat.
– Just how happy and settled I feel in our choice. I love seeing her name in writing, on government documents, and especially on the cross-stitch my eldest has started making for her baby sister. I love telling people her name and hearing others address her. When people ask where we got the name from, I love telling them the story. Surprisingly, I felt more post-naming angst about some of our kids’ names that I suggested! And maybe that’s because for a type-A over-thinker, like me, who likes to always have a plan, it feels freeing to sometimes let go and to be open to letting life unfold. When I do, things often turn out better than I could have planned them.
Thanks again to all💛