Update (and photo) on Baby Twin Girls Bedingf!eld!

Hi Swistle,

You seem very level headed and intelligent. I want to run by a situation for you.

I have an etiquette-naming question that is causing family controversy and heartache! My name is Karolina Amelia. I’m named after my great Aunt and great grandmother. We’re a French America family. You’ll find I strongly identify with my name.

I sign my name Karolina Amelia. My husband and dad call me the French version of Amelia. You’ll find my first and middle name included on all my social media accounts – you get it! ;-) I’ve planned on naming my daughter Amelia since I could fathom having children! To be honest, I was annoyed when the name became popular again.

My cousin informed me that she wants to name her daughter Amelia and claims her husband likes the name. Her husband doesn’t have a sense of tradition in his family, so I’m not sure he understands. The conversation exploded this past week. She’s is an older cousin by 9 months, so my aunt could have easily given her the name (she has no family names in her name). I feel like Amelia was passed down to me, and because of that it is not equal game in this respect because it is on my birth certificate. I’m going to be honest and disclose that she is extremely trendy, so the validity in her usage doesn’t help the situation. We’re a small family and I truly believe there cannot be two girls of the same name in our family. She doesn’t seem to understand the underlining etiquette about this. If I liked her father’s name for a boy, I would never assume that I could use it because she clearly has more emotional ties to the name. I’m hurt she doesn’t understand this isn’t a want of mine, this is common sense. We do have plenty of other family names. But this one here, this is my namesake – an identity.

Your help is appreciated in this qualm.

All the best,

Karolina Amelia

I am afraid my opinion is that you may be well and truly stuck. At this point the situation is:

1. Your cousin says she wants to use the name.
2. In which case, you absolutely will not.

The only way to fix things is for one of those two situations to change. You have attempted to change the first situation, with no success so far. Your cousin might change this one on her own, but at this point we can’t count on that.

And so my advice is to see if the second situation can be changed. You have set up a “two girls can’t have the same name” requirement that from my point of view appears unnecessary: a name is not a piece of heirloom jewelry that can only be handed down to one person, and only by the person who previously inherited it. If you’re not able to change your mind on that, or if doing so would create an enormous family feud, or if you absolutely don’t want to use the name if there’s any chance your cousin will use it, then your only option is to abandon the name: even if you were to have a daughter first, your cousin might very well still use it down the line (unless she has said she will not use it if you use it first).

But does that feel reasonable to you? Does it seem like a worthwhile price to pay? I’ve found this a very useful series of questions to ask myself: “What do I want? Can I have it? If not, what CAN I have?” What you want is for your cousin to see things the same way you do, and for her to conclude that the name Amelia is therefore off-limits to her. But you can’t have that: she does not agree with you. So what do you want INSTEAD? What is your SECOND choice? Is your second choice to use the name yourself anyway, even though it means accepting that two girls in the family might have the same name? Or is it your second choice to give up your whole plan and choose another name? I don’t know what your second choice is, and you might not know yet either: it sounds as if you’ve been focusing entirely on getting your first choice.

As you’ve already found, you don’t have a choice about what your cousin does: she and her husband get to choose what they name their children, and they disagree with what you consider common sense. What is interesting here is that by setting up a situation so that it is impossible for you to use the name if your cousin does, you are letting your cousin choose what you do. Abandoning your plan for your daughter’s first name will hurt only yourself, and what will you gain from it? But two little Amelias might be sweet, and the various usages of your name shows us that your family is good with nicknames. The two girls would probably be Amelia-_____ and Amelia-______ (or each go by her middle name, as you sometimes do), and it might give them a closer relationship: forming “The Amelia Club,” making jokes about how the couch is for Amelias only, signing letters to each other “The Other Amelia,” etc. They might let you join as an honorary Amelia, even though it’s your middle name.

To get back to the beginning of my answer, another issue here is that your cousin might not in fact use the name. So far she has said she would like to, and that her husband likes the name. There are so many steps between that and having a daughter named Amelia. She may have only boys, or she or her husband may think of a name they like better for a girl, or you might have a daughter first and name her Amelia and that might make them decide they no longer want to use the name (even if they previously stated they absolutely would use the name even if you did), or perhaps they will have a boy first and by the time they have a girl the name Amelia will be off their list, or perhaps she will decide she doesn’t want to use the name because it upsets you so much. And of course it is possible that you will only have boys yourself. It would be unfortunate to create enduring hard feelings over something that may never even be an issue.

Another option available to you is to give the name to your daughter as a middle name: make THAT the tradition you share, since it’s your middle name too. If your cousin does have a daughter and does use the name, her daughter and your daughter will not share a first name. This would also make it easier for you to continue to be called by your middle name.

There is one more thing you could do, and that is to talk to your cousin again. I suggest steering far, far away from the etiquette or common sense of the situation: those are not useful here, since both are highly subjective and you’ve already established that you and your cousin don’t see things the same way. We ARE talking about wants here: there is no reason she can’t use the name, or that two children can’t have the same name, except that you don’t want it that way. And that is a perfectly legitimate argument, and so that is the way I would approach it with her: don’t try to tell her she’s going against etiquette or common sense, because she isn’t; instead ask her earnestly to consider choosing a different name because it’s what you WANT. Explain how YOU feel, rather than telling her how SHE should feel. Acknowledge her perfect right to use names from her own family tree, but explain that this is one you plan to use for your daughter, and that you feel it wouldn’t work for second cousins to have the same name. See what she says. She may have gotten completely caught up in the entirely separate argument about whether or not she has the RIGHT to use the name, and may be very different in a discussion about whether or not she’d CHOOSE to.

But again, it is also possible that this is an impossible situation: if she DOES use the name, and if you decide you WILL NOT use it if she does, then it may be time to come up with a new plan. Could you name your daughter Karolina instead? You would still be naming her after yourself (in fact, even more so than if you used your middle name), still passing on something important to your identity, but she would not share a name with her second cousin. Another advantage is that the name is not as common. Another is that your husband could call his wife and daughter by different names.

Hi Swistle!

I am so excited to write to you, I can barely type. Ha! Your blog feeds my inner naming desires. :)

My name is Christy. Hubby is Andrew. After four years of marriage, I still have extreme difficulty accepting my husband’s last name, which is Stewart, minus the T at the end. I have unofficially hyphenated my last name, but go by my maiden name 99.9999999% of the time.

I dislike the last name for several reasons such as: it needs to be spelled out every time it is spoken, often mispronounced (My kindergarteners called me Mrs. Sewer for a week), and I do not like the sound of it in general.

Anyway, we are pregnant for our fist child- a baby boy in March! YAY!

My dilema is the following: Should I choose a traditional name to avoid my child spelling both his FIRST and LAST name for a lifetime?

We would like 3-4 children. We take a liking to slightly askew names such as Julian, Beckett, Elliott, Corbin, or Sebastian. However, I am not against traditional names such as Benjamin, Will, or Thomas.

Is spelling your first and last name something you just get use to? I am no stranger to spelling “Christy” as there are many variations.

Second, do you think I’ll learn to love my husband’s last name once my baby is here?
Thank you for your input. I appreciate your on-going creativity and attention to details with names.
-Christy

I am getting stuck on a couple of details. If we were talking in person, I would be saying “One: Is your LEGAL NAME your maiden name or your married name? Two: In what situations do you use your married name? Three: In what situations do you use your maiden name? Four: In what situations do you use the hyphenated form?” And so on.

But that would just be to satisfy my own curiosity: none of that really matters for what you’re asking. WHATEVER the surname situation, if it has been four years and you’re still having a very hard time with your husband’s surname, and you almost never use it yourself—is NOT using your husband’s surname for the children a possibility? Could you and the kids (and your husband too, if you’d like a unified family name) have YOUR surname? It doesn’t seem likely that you’d start loving his surname after the baby was born, though you may feel slightly less negative about it with time. I dislike Paul’s surname (hard to spell and pronounce, and I think it has an unpleasant sound), but as the years go by I do get more accustomed to it—and perhaps that has in part been from hearing it on my children.

To move on to your next question, I don’t see any reason to choose a first name you don’t have to spell, just because you DO have to spell the surname. I think it’s very common to have to spell both names (for not-sure-I-heard-it reasons as often as for not-sure-I-know-how-to-spell-it reasons), and that yes, we get used to it. Awhile back I worked at a pharmacy, and all day long we had people spelling their first and last names for us. Unless your maiden name is something really easy, my guess is that you’ve had a lifetime of experience with this yourself. Certainly I’d avoid making it deliberately HARDER (Bennjamin, Bekkitt), but that’s not the sort of spelling you’re considering. In short, I don’t find spelling my name to be a huge burden, and I don’t think you have to choose the name Thomas if you prefer the name Sebastian.

And if you DO use your husband’s surname for the baby even though you hate the name, that seems to me even MORE reason to choose a first name you love, rather than choosing something to accommodate the surname.

Hello Swistle,

Thank you for your wonderful blog! I have a general name-trend question for you and your readers:

As we all know, many antiquated occupations are now common names, but what current-occupational versions do you see in your various regions? I began wondering about this upon noticing a trend in our local area, which is a major timber-industry center in the Pacific Northwest: the name Timber for boys, or Tymber for girls.

What are the Coopers/Masons/Tylers of tomorrow? And what other unique names have been inspired by your locale?

Looking forward to your answers,
“eclare”

Hi Swistle,

I have a question concerning using unisex names for siblings, and would love to hear your thoughts on the topic.

My husband and I love unisex and word names. For our first child, a boy born last year, we chose the name Sage. We would have used this name on a boy or girl, it fits him perfectly and we are very happy with it. We had checked the Social Security statistics and decided that the name was only slightly more popular for girls, so we still considered it a “true unisex” name. Within the last year, however, I was surprised to see most people assuming Sage to be a girl’s name.

We’re getting mentally ready for our second child now. Another name we both love is the name Quinn. Statistically, it seems to be comparable to Sage in that it is slightly more popular for girls, yet still considered a “true unisex” name. My questions are the following:

If we were to have a girl this time around, could we use a similarly unisex-yet-slightly-more-female name for her, given that we’ve used one on a boy the first time around? Or would that be too confusing, perhaps even resulting in even more people assuming our first-born is also a girl? If we have one child with a unisex name that is slightly more used for the opposite gender, would you recommend giving the next child a less gender-ambiguous name?

I’m also wondering if it would be a good idea to use Quinn on a boy, since that would mean we’d have two boys with names that are slightly more popular for girls.

Thanks so much!
Vee

My favorite is for all the children of a particular sex in a sibling group to have similarly unisex names. Confusion will occur no matter what with unisex names (the ambiguity is an unavoidable part of the package, and/or a large part of the appeal of such names), but my own preference is to avoid clashes, mixed messages, and anything that sends people’s eyebrows up in a “What happened THERE?” manner.

So for me, Sage and Quinn is exactly the approach that most appeals. In 2013, the name Sage was used for 660 new baby girls and 316 new baby boys: about twice as many girls as boys. That same year, the name Quinn was used for 2,634 new baby girls and 875 new baby boys: about three times as many girls as boys. Both names are unisex, currently used more often for girls, so I think they coordinate beautifully for either a pair of brothers or a pair of sisters.

I don’t think I’d use the word “slightly,” however, to describe the girl/boy usage gap: both names are used quite a bit more often for girls. I think you can expect confusion at approximately the ratio of current usage: that is, since Sage is used for twice as many girls as boys, I think you can expect about twice as many people to assume it’s a girl name; since Quinn is used for three times as many girls as boys, I think you can expect about three times as many people to assume it’s a girl name.

For a girl, you can use a unisex name or not, as you’d prefer: it’s common for parents to have different styles for girl names and boy names, so I don’t think you have to stick to the style—but if you LIKE unisex names for girls, I don’t think there’s any reason not to. Using a unisex name for her will increase the confusion levels by one unisex name: that is, each time you use a unisex name for ANY baby, boy or girl, you are adding one unit of “Is this a boy name or a girl name?” to your family.

My own preference (but this is only my own preference) would be to choose all sister names to the girl side of Sage. That is, if we draw a spectrum with name usage getting more girl to the right and more boy to the left, I would prefer to choose sister names to the right side of Sage.

But others might prefer the opposite technique: deliberately choosing girl names used more often for boys: Hayden, for example, or Ellis, or Drew.

If your primary goal were to reduce the number of times people mistook your boy names for girl names, I’d suggest using completely unambiguous sister names. If I knew a family had two boys and two girls, and I knew the sibling names were Sage, Margaret, Quinn, and Josephine, I’d be fairly certain I knew which were which. However, this method only works when people DO know those two things: all the names together, and how many are of each sex. It won’t reduce the confusion for each individual child out in the world without his or her sibling names/sexes as clues. Because most situations in life are the latter rather than the former, it doesn’t seem worth it to choose sister names only to clarify the brother names, unless that is the style of name you prefer anyway—and it sounds as if it isn’t. In which case, at this point I think I would just choose whatever unisex/word name you like best for a girl, and assume that with time, all the acquaintances of each child will figure out that child’s sex from clues other than the name.

Update (and photo) on Baby Girl or Boy Am0s!

Good morning-

I’ve been reading your posts as inspiration, but it’s time to ask for personal help. I am due December 19th with a baby girl, and we are so excited! We have a little boy named Evan, and he’ll be 3 in January. Our last name is Smithler.

I love classic and girly names; my favorites being Holly and Samantha. I also love S names… Sierra, Sarah, Scarlett. My husband said Holly (and any other seasonal name) is too cliché, and he does not care for Samantha, nor any of the S names I suggested. He wants a name that is not super popular, and likes Kendra, Eva and Sloan. Kendra is our “agree to disagree” name…. if baby has no name come birth, I said fine, we’ll use it. It just doesn’t feel perfect though.

We’ve gone through every Internet site and baby book. It leaves us frustrated and me ready to throw in the towel and call her “Hey You”. My husband stands his ground with the 3 names above. If anyone is going to give in, it will be me.

Other names I’ve thrown out that he said no to include:

Erin, Ava/Avery, Nora, Macy/Lacey, Emily, Melody/Melanie, Kyla/Kayla… the list goes on.

Please help! We will update you of the name when our precious gift comes.

Thank you!

Anna and Nick

Am I understanding you correctly that your husband has vetoed all your favorites, has narrowed the list down to three names he likes, and now he will not budge? For the sake of my blood pressure, I am trying to think of another interpretation, but without success. I suppose there is the possibility that he chose the three names off your favorites list, but your feelings about the name Kendra don’t support that interpretation.

I will say this: that it definitely can be intensely frustrating and discouraging to look at name after name after name and not find anything that feels right—but that the solution to that is not for one parent to say “I’m not looking anymore: we choose one of these three names I like, and that’s it.” If he wanted to give up the search, he could say, “I’m done: let’s just pick one of your favorites”: that would be an acceptable (if not completely satisfactory) way to bow out. But to say “I’m done: we’re picking one of MY favorites”? No.

But something else catches my attention in this letter: the word “perfect.” I’m not sure anything inhibits the naming process quite as insidiously as the search for perfection. No name will be perfect: every name will have something that is not quite right about it. If you have gone through every website and name book and haven’t found anything perfect, then there is no perfect name: you will need to choose your favorite among the non-perfect options.

Kendra is the right name for this baby if it is your joint favorite among all the non-perfect options. It is probably not the right name for this baby if it is one of your husband’s top three and much much lower on your own list. On the other hand, if you find yourself going round and round in a search for unachievable perfection, and your husband is earnestly and openly considering all your favorites and trying to like them but he just doesn’t, and the ONLY place where your tastes intersect at all is high on his list and low on yours, it may be that this is the only way this baby will be named. It is not uncommon for parents to have to make a compromise like this. Of course it isn’t ideal: the ideal would be for the name to be the favorite of both parents. But considering how different people’s tastes are, it’s only surprising to me that two people are EVER both happy about a name choice.

Looking at his list, though, I notice that the name Eva is only one letter off from Evan. And I found the name Sloane Smithler challenging to say, and unpleasant in the mouth. And the name Kendra feels past its prime, and makes me think first of the Playboy model / reality-TV actress. I think if only one of you is going to have to give in to the other, it would be a good idea to reconsider which of you that should be.

I think what I’d prescribe if I were a Name Doctor is a week’s break: don’t think about or talk about or research names for one week. Think of it as resting an overtaxed muscle: if you keep using it so hard, you’ll end up with a real injury. When the week is over, sit down together as if at the very beginning of the name hunt: no finalist lists, no “if we can’t find anything else, we’ll use this” names, no “it has to be one of these three.” Don’t think of it as starting all over; think of it as starting fresh, free of the big tangle the name hunt had become.

I’d suggest starting by talking about what you BOTH want in a name; that is, look for places where your priorities intersect, places where you can agree, categories of names you can BOTH rule out. Do you agree on the level of femininity you’d like the name to have, or the general popularity range? Do you agree on any “not” areas, such as “not starting with an E,” or “not a family honor name” or “not the name of any kids we already know”? Add those to the list. Would you both like to find a name you both like? Then add that to the list too. Speak frankly when a name is one you don’t want to use, just as he has spoken frankly about the names he doesn’t want to use. If you made a deal you wish you hadn’t made, say so: “I’m sorry I said x; I’m afraid I’m not willing to do that after all.”

Think of places where you can both make compromises to increase your mutual satisfaction with the name: would you feel happier going with one of his favorites for the first name if he would go for a holiday-themed middle name? Could he look through the S section of a baby name book and make a list of all the S names he’d consider? Could you look for less-common versions of some of your favorites (Seraphina instead of Samantha/Sierra, for example)? Are there names you both love that have been ruled out because they’re too popular, and could that preference be softened? A good practice exercise is for each parent to look at the list of the other parent’s favorites and think, “If I HAD to choose from this list, which would I choose?”: it subtly shifts the focus from “finding reasons to dislike” to “finding reasons to like.”

Another possible solution when parents can’t agree on a name they love is to choose a name for a different reason than love. Honor names are great for this: maybe you both merely like the name Catherine, but it would honor a great family member. Your feelings for the name itself might be only as strong as for any of the other not-perfect names on the list, but the added benefit of the honor will likely increase your overall satisfaction with the choice.

I’d also suggest looking in The Baby Name Wizard for sibling name suggestions for the name Evan, not just in the individual listing for the name Evan (Audrey, for example) but also in the categories that include the name: the name Evan is in the New Classics category, which contains names such as Sabrina, Jillian, and Cassandra as well as Kendra and Samantha.