Allyson writes:

I gave DH a list of lovely girl names (in no particular order: Madeline, Lauren, Alexis, Kaylee, Amelia, Emmaline, Hallie, Haley, Sydney, Riley, Addison, and Ashlyn) and there were two names he didn’t veto- Riley and Addison. I prefer Riley over Addison, so that’s the name we are currently debating. The problem is I think it should be spelled Riley, since it’s the most common spelling. Having to grow up as Allyson, aka “that’s Allyson with two Ls and a Y,” I greatly value using the common spellings. He thinks Riley is a boy’s name and it should be Ryleigh. I hate it, I think it looks too contrived. I suggested Rylee as a compromise, but he thinks “lee” makes it a boy’s name. Sigh. So I guess my question is two parts: 1) Are there any other obvious spellings for Riley other than Ryleigh, Rylee, Reilly (which would be my second choice), and Rylie (which is listed as an option on Baby Name Wizard, but it makes me want to say Ri-Lie? 2) What do you do when you agree on a name but not the spelling?

 
Well, if you’re Paul and me, you abandon the name, feeling bitterly resentful about the other person’s ridiculous stubbornness. We both liked the name Elliot, but I ONLY liked Elliot and he ONLY liked Eliot, so we didn’t use it at all and I’m still a little crabby about it.

This question reminds me of the Ivy vs. Ivee question we did awhile back. Our basic consensus was that the spelling is an important part of the name: if the spelling has not been agreed on, the name has not been agreed on—and often this ends in needing to move on to another name choice.

As with the Ivy/Ivee question, I’d start by using facts to see if I could break down resistance. Riley is not “a boy’s name”: according to the Social Security Administration, in 2010 it was given to 5,506 girls and 3,606 boys.

Nor does “-lee” make it a boy name: in 2010, the spelling Rylee was given to 2,957 girls and 314 boys. Now, if he would like to say that it FEELS like a boy name to him when it’s spelled either of those two ways, he may do so (though it seems like he would be eager to attempt to adjust his feelings to reflect reality), but he may not argue that it IS a boy name.

The only spellings of Riley I don’t see on your list are Ryley and Ryli. (I also saw Rylei, Rilei, and Ryliegh in the Social Security data, but I’m chalking those up to misspellings or different pronunciations.) I’m not going to recommend Ryli but maybe Ryley has potential: changing a vowel to a Y is a common feminizing device, so perhaps this would be a good compromise spelling. And considering how many spellings there are of Riley, I think she’s going to have to spell it each time no matter what.

The other option is to use Riley as a jumping-off place for finding a new name:

Addilee
Bailey
Briley
Callie
Ellie
Karli
Keely
Kiley
Miley
Rilyn

Kari writes:

We are trying to come up with a name for our 2nd daughter who is due on Thanksgiving! Our 1st daughter is Blakely Michelle and our last name rhymes with Hanson. Blakely was a family name from my husband’s side of the family that we both loved. I realize it is a unisex name and surname but now I am drawn to names such as Emma, Chloe, Daphne, Calista, Amelia, Aubrey, Evelyn, Lila and Clara. Which I don’t know if they flow nicely with Blakely or sound too different. Calista is at the top of our list right now but worry about the Flockhart association and if it goes with Blakely. We do tend to prefer names that are not too popular (like top 10- even though 2 of our favorites are there). Also, I don’t want another name that has the -ley or -son sound at the end. Also, Blakely is Old English I have been drawn to more English sounding names too. For the middle name we like Jane (after my mom’s middle name) or Kate (we just like it) or Renee (after my sister’s middle name). Another factor is that this baby has been really active and feisty so some of the softer, refined names don’t seem to “fit” her.

Names that we like but can’t use are: Avery, Lillian, Regan, Sadie, Elliot, Olivia, Ivy, Alexis, Addison, Madison.

Names that we talked about but have been ruled out either due to myself or my husband are: Piper, Tatum, Penelope, Phoebe, Kendall, Riley, Bailey, or Taylor.

We originally were told we were having a boy and had so many names options such as Parker, Garrett, Graham, Ethan, Brennan, Andrew, Noah that we LOVED.

I hope you can help us! I am desperate to have a name and get baby things monogrammed and ready for her!

and

Writing again…I think we have narrowed down our name search to two names, Amelia (nn Mia or Millie) and Chloe with Amelia being our #1. However, I am still concerned about it “going” with Blakely and don’t want the sibling names to sound mis-matched? Thoughts?!?!?

Please help!

 
One thing that makes things easier in this situation is that although Blakely has a unisex sound, it’s not particularly unisex in usage: it’s used for approximately ten times as many girls as boys, and similarly girl-heavy names such as Blakelyn and Berkeley make it seem even more on the girl side. If sibling-name coordination is important to you, this leaves you more free to choose from girlish names.

I think if I were you I would aim to match not so much the style (since your style has changed) as the uncommonness. Blakely and Chloe, for example, gives one girl a very unusual name (not even in the Top 1000) and the other girl a very common name (Top 10). Amelia is #41 and making a jump upward each year; I suspect it will soon also be Top 10, or very near it. Calista would be my top choice from your list: Blakely and Calista is a great popularity match: in 2010, 278 new baby girls were named Blakely/Blakely/Blakelee/Blakeleigh, and 412 were named Calista/Callista/Kalista/Kallista. The names are both uncommon but familiar, and I think the Calista Flockheart association, while still present, is significantly weakened. Plus, the name Calista sounds feisty to me.

However, if you do choose Chloe or Amelia, I think it’s common for a firstborn’s name to be a name of significance that doesn’t necessarily coordinate in style with the names of subsequent children. I think the main issue is to make sure that the names don’t seem to communicate different expectations, as if the parents have decided in advance the personality type they’d like each daughter to have (“One tomboy and one little lady, please!” or “One judge and one cheerleader!”). Of the two, I think Blakely and Chloe share more of the same spirit.

If Amelia is your frontrunner but you hesitate because it doesn’t meet some of the preferences you were hoping to meet, one possibility is to use Amelia as a starting point for looking for names that are similar but also feistier and less common. Cordelia. Aurelia. Delia. Amaya. Melina. Emery.

Let’s have a poll over to the right for Chloe and Amelia and “back to the drawing board.” [Poll closed; see results below.]

Taylor writes:

My husband and I are due to have our fourth child on November 10th and with only 25 days to go, we are entering panic mode. This baby, gender unknown, will have 3 siblings; Mackenzie Harper (7), Dylan Elliot (4) and Keira Rose (2). Baby naming has always caused me and my husband to clash, but this time it seems to be even worse with our differing name styles, most likely due to the fact that this will be our last child and the gender is unknown.

Names on my List:
BOYS:
Nolan- my top name at the moment, but this changes daily
Connor- not that big on the hard -C sound following Keira

GIRLS:
Delaney- my top (and only) girls name, husband cannot seem to get used to it

Husband’s List:
BOYS:
Jacob- too popular, but he really wants a little “Jake” around the house
Gavin
Ethan
Levi

GIRLS:
Riley- would it be okay to pair this with Dylan, also a unisex name?
Molly
Addison

Middle name will most definitely either be Grace or Elisabeth

Please Help us!

ps. (my name is Taylor “Tay” Hainsworth and my husband is Brendan)

I think Delaney may be too close to Dylan: so many shared letters and sounds, and in fact I think of them as a Kylie/Kyle pairing. Laney or Lainey might work, and maybe your husband would prefer it because it’s more like Riley and Molly. It still shares letters with Dylan (the Laney spelling in particular makes my eyes want to unscramble one name to form the other), but it takes away the shared “dill” sound and that’s a big help. And it’s great with the sister names: Mackenzie, Keira, and Lainey.

If Jacob is too popular but your husband wants to use Jake, Jacoby (juh-KOH-bee) might be perfect. It gives you the nickname Coby, too, as another option.

The repeating endings of Dylan and Nolan might make it clearer that both are boys—or it might seem too matched, I can’t tell. Gavin seems almost perfect: the endings are similar but not exact.

Braden would work, too. Braden Hainsworth; Mackenzie, Dylan, Keira, and Braden.

Or a name like Eamon (AY-mon) would emphasize the Celtic roots of the sibling names. Eamon Hainsworth; Mackenzie, Dylan, Keira, and Eamon.

Ian, too, would be very handsome, and reminds me of Ethan and Levi. Ian Hainsworth.

Opinions will vary wildly, but mine is that in this sibling group I would assume a Riley was a boy. I wouldn’t assume it completely, so it isn’t as if it would be a huge shock to find a female Riley, but it’s so perfect as a brother name for Dylan. In fact, would you consider moving it to your boy name list? Girls Mackenzie and Keira, boys Dylan and Riley.

Riley and Molly make me think of Miley. Miley is all girl, and fits well in style with the sibling names.

Or Piper. It’s drifting more from the sound of Riley, but it shares the style. Piper Hainsworth is adorable.

Or I wonder if you’d like Ellery? I think that’s wonderful with your surname: Ellery Hainsworth.

And that plus Addison from your husband’s list makes me think of Emerson. Emerson Hainsworth; Mackenzie, Dylan, Keira, and Emerson.

Jenny writes:

Could you maybe sometime do a poll about the name Dexter? Is it completely ruined by that show? It would be pretty awful for your kid’s name to make people think of a serial killer. I’m curious as to how main stream is that show. Has everyone heard of it? Do you think even in 10 years, it will still matter?

It’s SUCH a great name. Love the X and the classic feel and the nickname Dex.

Oh, good question! The name Dexter has come up a few times on name lists here, and it seems like most times it’s accompanied by “but—the show” reasons why it can’t be used. Let’s see how prevalent that opinion actually is, with a poll over to the right. [Poll closed; see results below.] I think we can get an idea of how much it’s seeped into the culture by finding out how many people who HAVEN’T seen the show have nevertheless heard of the character Dexter.

Whether it’ll still have that association in a decade is a trickier thing to determine with the poll, but it’ll be fun for the comments section. If someone mentions the names Lorelei/Lorelai or Rory, a lot of us think of Gilmore Girls; but if someone mentions the names Luke or Emily or Logan, it doesn’t necessarily come to mind. It’s the difference between unusual names and ones that are so common their associations have been thoroughly diluted. It’s also the difference between names that come to our attention because of a show, versus names that were already familiar and in regular use. Dexter may fail in this category: it wasn’t common before the show, so few of us have ever known any Dexter except the one on the show, which makes the association strong.

Poll results (529 votes total):

Have watched show; name ruined by it – 69 votes (13%)
Have watched show; name NOT ruined by it – 131 votes (25%)
Have NOT watched show; name ruined by it – 120 votes (23%)
Have NOT watched show; name NOT ruined by it – 209 votes (40%)

Sara writes:

My husband doesn’t hate my chosen girl name (Norah Anne Zimmermann) but he doesn’t love it. Since I was sixteen or maybe younger (and I’m almost 30 now) this has been what I have wanted to name my little girl, and so this him not liking it is really making me sad. (I chose Norah Anne because Norah is my daddy’s first name abbreviated spelt backwards (his name is Ron) Anne is my mother’s middle name but also his mother’s middle name. Our boy name (we aren’t finding out what we are having) is Jackson James Zimmermann which we both love.) I feel like Norah is already a person to me, MY little girl, and like I’m abandoning her. I mean my heart is really breaking over this. I know that if I got upset/cried over it/pushed a bit I could make him go for it, but then I’d always wonder, our whole lives, if he let me name her Norah because I was being a big baby about it and he secretly hates her name.
His comments about it are wide…one day he’ll say it doesn’t sound like a strong name. The next he’ll say he thinks it sounds too much like, too close too, Noah who is our nephew, which I think it’s a stretch to say they sound the same, I know it’s just one extra letter but I don’t find that similarity to mean we can’t use it. He comes home from work with suggestions so my feeling is he’s really hoping he’ll find a name he likes that I can also like, and that Norah just isn’t doing it for him.
His suggestions:
His number one and what he keeps bringing up is : Brigen (my problem is it’s a place, a holler in our home town to boot(no longer live there), not a name, and I can’t get over how it sounds slangish for Bringing, you know so any middle name you give her sounds like she’s bringing it, you know, Brigen Grace, Brigen Hope …so forth)
Molly (it sounds like a little girls name, but not like a woman’s name)
Sadie (I don’t like the sad in it, and again sounds like a little girls name)
Jessica (Eh,)
Ruby (no)
Ruth (which his big selling point is we could call her Baby Ruth which, I’m sure she’d appreciate that.)
I’ve been trying hard the last week to ditch the name Norah and find something else I like, but everything seems to please me way less than Norah but here’s what I have:
Elery (I like how soft this sounds, but he’d probably buy Norah over this)
Sophia (I like this, but not Sophie, which she’d end up being called I’m sure)
Hannah (I like this but I had a dog named this once, which not sure my child would appreciate that story)
Emma (but it seems, overdone)
Isabella (maybe the same as emma overdone?)
Cora (I like this best but fear I like it best because its so similar to Norah, and if he was to soften to Norah should we have another girl, we couldn’t have a Norah and a Cora)

I feel like we’re in a situation where someone is going to have to fold. I mean, Norah has been such a part of my dreams for years, like I said earlier it’s almost like I’ve dreamed her into existence, and so I feel like I’m grieving this loss. I’ve told him somewhat how much I love the name and that I’ve always thought of it as my daughter’s name, but I haven’t pushed it and I don’t want too. But If he doesn’t start liking it soon, then I’m going to have to give it up, and I don’t want to be looking at my newborn baby and wishing she had a different name. Maybe this baby will be a boy and I’m doing all this worrying for nothing…but.
How would you deal with this issue? Do you have any suggestions of names that I might like as well as Norah? Our baby is due early January.
Thanks

I think the first step is to consciously separate the name from the child. When you say abandoning the name feels like abandoning the child, you’re explaining to us how intensely you feel about the name and the style of intensity it is—but I think it could help to see if you can reason with your feelings. Picture the baby growing inside you, and picture a little slideshow of names going over his or her head, one second each: Liz. Roger. Hailey. Caden. Margaret. Elmer. Bitsy. Ian. Jennifer. Brady. Madison. Liam. April. Elliot. Bianca. Nick. Notice how the curled comfy growing baby stays the same and only the name changes.

We know this is how it is: the baby is who he or she is, and won’t be swapped out for a different baby if you don’t use the name you’d planned to use at age 16. We know that if you are carrying a girl and you abandon the name Norah, the name blows away like a dry leaf but your daughter stays right where she is: you lose the name, but not the child. Some names may feel more like “my baby” than other names, and that’s a good sorting method for finding one’s own naming style—but the baby is your baby either way. And in this case, it sounds like Norah is the name of your little girl where “your” was singular: the dream-baby of a young girl who wasn’t picturing another parent being involved. Now that the other parent has arrived and the baby is more than a dream, it seems appropriate to find a name for your-plural little girl.

It will be difficult to do this if you compare each new possible name candidate to the name Norah. If the name Norah is out of the running for this baby (and it sounds like it is, if your husband doesn’t love it and you don’t want to use it unless he does), your goal is not to find a name you like better than the name Norah, but instead to find the name you like best of the names that remain. (And I think you’re smart to keep in mind that Norah might be a possible sister name later on: Paul was opposed to a name with our first baby, but then he’s the one who chose it for our second baby.)

You came up with Norah by spelling your dad’s name backwards, so you could look for other names that include “nor,” such as Eleanor or Honor or Honora.

Or you could look for names that spell his name forward, such as Bronwyn, Veronica, Rona, Caron, Claron, Heron, Aeron, Cameron. (I prefer this idea, since classically the concept of spelling something backwards has been used to indicate creepy opposition.)

Or, as you say, perhaps this baby will be a boy.

From the candidate list, Brigen reminds me of Bronwyn from the “contains Ron” list, so perhaps Bronwyn would be a good compromise name.

Brigen also reminds me of Megan and Reagan and Bridget and Rowan and Brinley and Brooklyn and Keegan and Teagan and Morgan.

I think Molly does work on grown-ups, but it can also be a nickname for Mary. Or you could use Holly.

If you like Elery and Emma, I wonder if you’d like Emery or Emily or Ella or Hillary.

I also think Lila(h) would be a very good candidate.

B. writes:

My husband and I are going round and round discussing whether or not it is appropriate to use the name we like for our future son. Our first son had multiple nicknames and was called “Buster Malone” for about the first two years of his life. Malone is not even CLOSE to his real name in style or rhythm and only shares one letter with his real name. Over time that nickname has drifted away and hasn’t been used at all in several years. My husband and I often reminisce about the old nicknames our kids picked up (we’ve had three more kids since then) and we both really want to use Malone for our son to be. But we don’t know if it is appropriate to use one child’s nickname as another child’s name.

Our first son is much older now and does not even remember the nickname. I am not too worried about him being upset if we use it but I worry that if we do name our son Malone he will resent having his name be a hand-me-down from his oldest brother. The likelihood of keeping the origins a secret are next to impossible. All of our kids know where their names came from and the stories behind them are often shared and remembered. What do you think? Is it inappropriate? Am I setting my son up for disappointment because I gave him a “used” name? Or does it not matter at all and I am worrying about it for nothing?

 
My opinion is that Malone is available for use as a name, and that in fact it improves the nickname stories. I’m imagining telling the stories to my own kids, and their faces when I say that Firstborn’s nickname was Malone. To me it doesn’t seem so much a handmedown as an inspiration: that is, that the nickname made you think of the name as an actual name candidate.

Namesake names are not exactly the same situation but have some parallels: it doesn’t diminish the name that someone else had it first, and in fact that is the very thing that improves the name and makes it a candidate to consider. And I don’t know if the dynamics will be the same in your family, but in our household the youngest boy greatly looks up to the oldest boy and would likely be as thrilled to have a name connection as he is when we say “You know who used to wear this shirt? ROB!!”

Let’s have a poll over to the right to see what we think as a group. [Poll closed; see results below.]

Lisa writes:

We are due to have our 4th child in two weeks and have yet to come up with a girl name that we can agree on/fall in love with. My husband is of Irish heritage and he really loves Irish type names for girls: Erin, Shannon, Caitlin, Bridget, etc… As the youngest of seven children, his older siblings have already used these Irish type names for their kids. The one name he loves is Maggie, short for Margaret. I’m not in love with it-I hear a ringing of “Maggie Moo” in my head whenever I try to talk myself into liking it. Also, I don’t think an old fashioned name such as Margaret jives with our other children’s names. We have two daughters and a son: Madison Mae(Maddie), Logan Clara, and Conor Martin. All the middle names are family names. I love surnames as first names and unisex names for girls.

I’ve considered:

Finley Holly (Holly is my mom’s name)

Adelaide Elsie (using Adel or Layla for short-hubby is not in love with Adel)

Tobin Holly (Tobin is his grandmother’s maiden name & traveled here from Ireland)

If we have a son, our list includes:

Declan Sean or Patrick

Beckett Sean

Brodie Patrick

Our last name is Irish starting with a Con and ending in an –ly (sounding like lee). I’m desperate for your input and suggestions. I don’t share our list with anyone because I hate the negative associations people love to share, “in fourth grade a girl by that name used to tease me and I’ve hated it ever since”….blah-blah-blah! Thanks so much for your time!!

The name that makes this such an intriguing puzzle is Logan. Madison is an all-girl name in the top ten. Conor is an all-boy name, #30 for boys when spellings are combined. But the name Logan is mostly boy: about 96% of Logans born in 2010 were boys, making it #17 for boys—a rank comparable with Madison’s and Conor’s when used for a boy.

It isn’t that someone would be shocked to find out that a Logan could be a girl (it’s #484 for girls), but they would be statistically more likely to assume boy, and this assumption would be supported by a sibling group where the other children have gender-unambiguous names. As a boy’s name, Logan fits perfectly with Madison and Conor in both style and popularity; as a girl’s name, Logan breaks the style and popularity pattern—and breaks it in a dramatic way. For a comparison in a different style, it would be like a family having an Amanda, a Leslie, and a Jeremy—where Leslie is a boy.

So this presents us with an interesting dilemma: Do we work with the name style you’ve set, which will further isolate Logan’s name by piling up more false evidence that the name is a boy’s name? Or do we add a second startling choice, which will have the counter-intuitive effect of making the sibling group MORE cohesive? A sibling group of Josephine, Kadence, Edward, and Vivian causes Kadence to stand out like a sore thumb; but a sibling group of Josephine, Kadence, Edward, and Riley merely tells us that the family likes a variety of naming styles.

This is more complicated in your case, however, because of the name Logan SEEMING to fit beautifully, until we find out it’s the opposite sex we have been led to expect by the beautiful fit. It’s like trying to find a fourth for Amanda, Leslie, and Jeremy. The first three names SEEM to coordinate beautifully, so adding a Kadence at the end wouldn’t create that mixed-group feeling: it would instead result in two surprises instead of one. I think this is what Margaret is like in your group: it creates a second stand-out choice, instead of helping to unify the group. (Also, Maggie is very close in sound to Maddie.)

From your girl name list, I think Finley works best. One downside of Tobin is that it is currently never given to girls in the United States; it might work better as a candidate for your tradition of family middle names. Adelaide has several downsides: it’s all-girl like Madison, which further isolates Logan; it’s antique-revival rather than modern/surnamey like Madison and Logan; and Addie is a common nickname for it, and you have a Maddie (even if you choose a different nickname, she or her friends may choose Addie later on). Finley seems perfect: it’s given to boys and girls, and so it bridges the gap between Madison and Logan. I hesitate because of the doubled -ly ending with the surname, but because the name Conor doubles the first syllable, I assume it isn’t an issue that bothers you.

Brodie and Beckett both seem like good choices from your boy name list: they’re mostly boy, but given occasionally to girls. In fact, I’d recommend considering both for your girl name list. Madison, Logan, Conor, and Beckett sufficiently neutralizes my assumptions about who’s a boy and who’s a girl.

Another possible option is Braden/Brayden. It’s mostly boy, like Logan and Conor, and it fits with the style of the other names. It would work in this sibling group for either a boy or a girl. (As a girl name, it has the effect of isolating Madison, but I’m less concerned with “the only girl name never mistaken for a boy’s” than I am with “the only girl name continually mistaken for a boy’s”.) Or Hayden would work well. Or Payton/Peyton. Or Greyson/Gracen. Or Morgan, Brennan, Kieran, Rowan, Keegan, Keaton, Quinn, Riley. Any modern and/or surnamey name that works for boys and girls seems like a good option for either a boy or a girl.

M. writes:

My Husband and I are expecting our second baby boy in 3 months and are having a hard time with a name. He has a son, my stepson, named Zachary Stephen and we have one named Cameron Anthony. Both boys have part of my husbands name as their middle names, Anthony Stephen. The main problem is we both come from large families and avoiding names that our siblings and cousins have used is getting to be hard. Our last name is Tanner and we have been avoiding names that end with an “er” because they usually dont flow well. We finally decided we like the name Greyson, but when I asked my mom about it she doesn’t want me to use it because my cousin’s 13 year old daughter’s name is Gracen. I personally only see this cousin a few times a year and don’t see the big deal. She is a obviously a girl and is much older, plus the names aren’t exactly the same. We have also said we may call him Grey. ( Zack, Cam and Grey) She says it will be confusing for her and her sisters because they are very close and will always have to clarify who’s “Greyson” they are referring to. What do you think, should I not use this name? Middle names are a whole other issue. No family names left that we like that aren’t already used by our siblings also as middle names. For instance, we like Thomas. It was my husband’s father’s name and also has meaning because we were married in St. Thomas, but our nephew’s middle name is Thomas. Noone calls him Thomas, does this matter? Please help us with your opinion on these names and maybe any suggestions of similar names.

I think that when it is difficult enough already to find a non-duplicating name that both parents love and agree on, a slight inconvenience to another family member doesn’t need to be taken into account. Even picturing my very own dear mother (because it is so easy to imagine making Confident Declarations to other people’s imagined mothers, but not so easy when it is a real mother), I can picture saying kindly, “Yes, it might be a little confusing once in awhile, but it’ll be okay.” Chances are that context alone will clarify things for them: “Gracen is driving me crazy: the door-slamming, the pickiness about clothes, the hours in the bathroom…” is not likely to cause confusion about which child is being described, nor is “Greyson is teething and up all hours of the night.” In fact, which sister is talking will go a long way to clarify which child is being referred to. And, you’ve found an excellent and easy solution for her in any case: she can refer to him as Grey when talking with her siblings. But even if it were a constant confusion (two boys named Greyson born a month apart, for example), or even if she doesn’t want to call him Grey, it STILL seems to minor an issue to be a deal-breaker: surely they would quickly develop a habit of clarifying it: “M’s Greyson” and “L’s Gracen,” for example.

The only downside of the name to me is that both the first name and the surname evoke colors. Do you like the name Mason instead? Cason? Dawson? Harrison? Hudson? Jackson? Bryson? Anderson? Carson? Dayton? Lawson? Grady? Logan? Griffin? Gavin? Liam?

If you like the name Thomas for a middle name and you have two good reasons to use it, I don’t see a single reason why it matters that your nephew has the same middle name. It won’t even cause the minor confusion your mother worries about with the first name. Even if your nephew’s FIRST name were Thomas, I’d still say there was no reason not to use it as a middle name. In large families, the occasional duplication is normal and expected, and certainly not worth choosing names you don’t even like just to avoid it—particularly in the middle name slot.

Linnea writes:

Is there any name that sounds good with “Ella” as a middle name?

This is our first baby, due early April, and we’re breaking all the rules, because we know what we want as middle names, but can’t decide on firsts if it’s a girl. Our last name is Welch, and having an unusual name myself, I want something that’s not completely common for our baby. I’m not against Top 100 names, but generally shy away from Top 10. Celtic & old-fashioned names seem to go over well with both my husband & I. My middle name (Ellen) is the same as my mother’s, but I don’t necessarily want to give that name to a baby girl. Ella is another family name, of great-grandmother & aunts on both sides, but every baby name we like seems to sound strange with Ella as a middle. It seems like all the names I like end in “a” or “n” and then the names either sound too matchy or run together. Top first name contenders: Fiona (don’t like the repeated “a” sound, also makes the initials FEW), Quinn (Quinn Ella sounds like something you might catch from raw fish, same for Corinne, another favorite), Jocelyn (JEW? I don’t know that I can do that), Rhiannon (it just seems to run on & on like a stutter) and Avalon (I don’t know… is the Toyota connection too much? Will I have to name her brother Camry?). My husband isn’t keen on Ella as a first name, but I like Ella Corinne. Is Eleanor too long for a middle name? It seems to solve the “double a” problem and the “sounds like a disease” problem. It’s not a family name, but it’s close to both Ellen & Ella.

 
For me, Eleanor isn’t too long as a middle name. But I do tend to like long names: I love names like Penelope Elizabeth or Elizabeth Genevieve, and those are seven to eight syllables before even getting to the surname.

One thing I think is working against you is your surname: Ella and Welch share enough sounds that they can run together a bit, or even turn into something that sounds like text-speak: “LOLch!” There seem to be three camps on this issue. Camp 1 says: “Who cares? No one ever says the whole name anyway. And even if they did, who cares what it sounds like?” Camp 2 says: “The whole name should flow well in each combination: first and middle, first and middle and last, first and last. If it doesn’t flow, it goes.” Camp 3 is the rest of us: we like the name to flow well, but we’ll give up some flow for the sake of names we love, or for names that are significant to us and important to us to use. This is where you are now: figuring out how much you want to bend the middle name to make it fit and yet still be an honor name, and how much you want to bend the first name to make a place for the middle name.

And I think you’re right: Ella is proving to be a difficult name to put in the middle name slot. I sat here, jaw loosened in concentration, trying to think of a first name it would work with—and finally opened up the baby name book and just started going through trying names one after another. Bianca Ella? No. Blanche Ella? No. Bonnie Ella? Better, but still no. Brooke Ella? Mayyyybe. Chloe Ella? No. Because of the name’s popularity as an ending for other names (Isabella, Annabella, etc.) and for medical stuff (varicella, rubella, salmonella, etc.), I think it just attaches itself to the first name and makes either an odd mash-up or, as you’ve found, a disease.

I like the idea of using Ellen. I like that it ties you and your mother and your daughter together, and also I just think it’s a really pretty name. Problem: as you’ve noticed, it’s not too awesome with n-ending first names. Eleanor works better, but is a step away from family significance.

Well, how about this. How about choose the first name first, and then see which goes best with it: Ella, Ellen, or Eleanor? It sounds like you’re only KIND OF decided on the middle name and that there’s still some flexibility there.

Or, is there another family name you could mash with Ella? For example, if your mother-in-law’s middle name were Jane, you could do Fiona Ellajane Welch. It’s not my favorite way to do things, but it can be a good way out of a pinch.

In the meantime, can anyone think of any first names that work with Ella as the middle name?

Name update! Eleanor Quinn!

I have a post up today on Nameberry. The book Beyond Jennifer & Jason (since updated as Beyond Jennifer & Jason, Madison & Montana and then Beyond Ava & Aiden) took the head right off my shoulders in the 1990s when I was still naming cats but was looking forward to naming babies. All I’d ever seen before then were baby name dictionaries: lists of names, sometimes with meanings and/or origins and/or pronunciations. But this new book had CATEGORIES. It discussed the way names come across to other people, and which other names came across that same way if that’s what you were looking for. It was the first time I realized that names get popular in packs, that it’s possible to see those packs coming.

I still have my old copy with pencil circlings: Elizabeth, Julia, Louise, Simon, Kyle, Molly, Eliza, Rosemary, Milo, Gus, Leo, Eve, Henry. Names I might not have noticed in the old 1970 baby name dictionary (my mom’s, with HER pencil circlings!) I’d used to name my dolls.

Now the authors run the huge baby name site Nameberry, and I’d love it if you clicked through and read my post there: The Case for the Common Name.