Dear Swistle –

I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant with our first child – a boy! – and my husband is being NO HELP! Our last name is Mouton (Moo-TAWN), and we have agreed to the middle name Michael, in honor of my husband’s dad.

From the beginning, my husband has been very picky but hasn’t given me enough information to figure out what he likes. Also, he’s very sarcastic, and some of his reasons sound like he’s trolling me to be obnoxious, but I can’t tell anymore and he keeps using the same reasons, so maybe he’s serious?

Here was his responses to my first suggestions:
Titus/Silas – doesn’t like names that end in “us”.
Levi – doesn’t like names that end in “I”.
Noah – no old names (also completely off my own list since it’s so popular).
Lucas – sounds too “black”. Mind you, MY HUSBAND IS BLACK. And he says Lucas sounds this way because of the new series Luke Cage. *eye roll*
Finn – that’s a character from the new Star Wars.
Tobias – Arrested Development.
Justin – “everyone” will think we named him after Justin Timberlake.
Robert – too generic.
Felix – he just stared at me. I think that’s bad?
Oliver – too British.

We can agree that he doesn’t like Bible names (though I keep pushing because they’re classics) and he doesn’t like pop culture references, though I hope this is just something he can get over once the baby is here and he meets his son.

He keeps suggesting names and then telling me he was joking. This is how I came to love both Max and Sebastian, only to find out that he never seriously considered them! And his latest cop-out when asked is that he hates his OWN name, so how could he determine a good name for a kid?

Here are my final ideas, after I (mostly) took out the ones to which he was adamantly opposed. I had hoped to wait to show him in the delivery room when he’s facing a final deadline, but he asked to see it today and – of course – hated them ALL.
Max/Maxwell
Elliot
Sebastian
Peter
Bradley
Harrison
Lincoln
Felix
Silas or Simon
Nathaniel

Maybe this is more of a marriage question than a baby name question, but where can I go from here? I don’t really intend to start over on names, and it doesn’t sound like he’s going to try very hard to consider names in his own, either. Should I cross my fingers that he’ll just let me choose when it comes down to it? (In that case, I would probably pick Max.) Or is there another solution that we haven’t considered yet?

Thanks for your help with our conundrum!
Bethany

PS – we had a girl name picked out about two hours after finding out we were pregnant, so the good news is that future naming battles might turn out differently!

Have you considered putting your thoughts and feelings on this issue into a screaming meltdown? It sounds as if it might be time for something that knocks Mr. Automatic Comeback back into the land where we are not in a Saturday Night Live sketch but instead choosing an actual name for an actual baby who will be making an actual arrival.

If you are not the screaming meltdown type, we will need another way to get his attention. Whatever your usual style is when you have Had It (eg, long hard stare with clenched jaw, or tears running silently down cheeks as you gaze hopelessly at the wall, or becoming snippy, or dropping the subject until he notices, or saying “We need to talk,” or calling his sister and getting her to yell at him, or whatever), it is time to bring it. What we need here is this, or the equivalent of this: “Listen. This baby needs a name. You are not only not helping me with this, you are actively making it much, much harder. Time is getting very short, and right now I need you to stop making jokes, stop kneejerk-rejecting names, and HELP me with this job that belongs to BOTH of us. Here is the baby name book: make a list of ten names you like. Or if you don’t want to have to do even a small amount of the research work, then pick three names, just THREE names from my extensive list, names that you don’t ‘hate.’ Up to you, but by tomorrow we are having a name discussion that is about names you like, and not about how much you hate all my choices. If you don’t want to help, fine—but then I am picking the name. So suit up, buttercup.”

It might or might not be helpful to know the girl-name choice: it might help us figure out his style. [Edited to add: We have it now: it’s Madeline Jayne.] On the other hand, it’s very common for people to have a different style in girl names than in boy names. And also, his current style might be “Repressed Panicked Ambivalence.” Do you have a copy of The Baby Name Wizard? Quite possibly you have already tried this, but if you haven’t, I suggest looking up your girl name and seeing what the author suggests as brother names. Also look up the style categories the author puts the name into, and see if you like the boy names in that list. For example, let’s say your girl name is Clara. Brother names for Clara are listed as: Leo, Miles, Emmett, Oscar, Charles, Henry. And style categories for Clara are “Ladies and Gentlemen” and “Antique Charm.” But again, this won’t be much help if your boy-name style is different than your girl-name style.

My usual next step would be to go over your list and start discussing names—but in this case, it’s like the factory is shut down and we can’t do anything else until it’s up and running again. You have a wide variety of excellent names of various styles here, and I don’t think any of us think the real problem is your list. To give you some hope, we’ve had a number of letters where one parent is being impossible and saying they hate everything, and then the baby is born and the parent chooses a name they formerly claimed to hate. It can make you want to slam that person’s head into a plate of hospital food, but it is nice to know that sometimes it works out well in the end.

Name update:

Our son Samuel Michael was born on August 7!

I told my husband about your blog and how I was going to start calling the
baby Max to see if it fit, which is when he confessed that he just didn’t
like it at all. So, I dropped the conversation for the time being, and as
my induction date neared, Trent was more and more anxious about not having
a name.

By the time Sam was born, Trent had chosen 2 names from my list that were
passable – Elliot and Sebastian. But THEN, after 30 hours of labor and 2
hours of pushing (with Trent by my side to see it all, of course), he
decided that I could name him whatever I wanted.

Sam went another day without a name because it was WAY too much pressure on
me to choose a favorite name on top of everything else – all I could do was
mourn the ones I wasn’t choosing!

And then it was going to be Peter or Elliot. (I decided Sebastian was too
fanciful for this guy.) But I didn’t feel right when I crooned “Peter” to
the baby, and when I decided on Elliot, it just made me sad it wasn’t Sam.

So, Trent got final veto over Sam, et voìla, our son became Samuel Michael,
just in time to come home from the hospital!

Family has been informed that they may call him Sammy as a pet name, but it
shall not be written down. I don’t know why I’m so particular, but there it
is.

Thanks again to you and all the commenters who gave me advice on dealing
with a picky and indecisive husband! I really didn’t expect him to let me
choose whatever name I wanted, but I’m so happy it turned out perfectly for
us.

– Bethany

Hi Swistle,

I have loved reading your blog over the years and continually refer back to your archives. I am writing because we are expecting our 3rd and final child in October and we are having a harder time deciding on a name this time around.

Our last name is Pollack, spelled differently. We have two children, Charles (Charlie) Joseph and Hazel Lillian. Since we already have a boy and a girl, we are keeping this third child’s gender a surprise. However, that means we have to come up with TWO names, not just one. Yikes! Charlie is named after a grandfather on each side and the middle name Lillian is a family name as well. Ideally, we’d like the name to have 2 syllables so it fits in with Charlie and Hazel and our “name family.” We tend to like more traditional names that are not super popular.

If the child is a boy, we’d like to use the middle name Israel (my maiden name). As far as boy contenders, this is where we are having the hardest time and are feeling somewhat stuck. I have always loved the name Simon and think it fits so well with our other two, but my husband is not a fan of it. (He can’t exactly pinpoint why, but I think it might be because he does a lot of business in the UK and has run across his fair share of Simons, since the name seems to be more popular there). Other names we have considered include:

Nolan–This is a decent contender that we both like but I’m not sure it’s the one yet. Maybe it’s that it begins and ends with the letter “N” but I don’t find it as inviting a name as Charlie and Hazel, if that makes sense. It sounds a little harder to me.

Grayson–Again, another one we are both okay with but not quite sure it’s right. It sounds a little trendier than we’re used to.

We like the Henry/Theodore/James/Noah type names, but they are all too popular where we are from.

As far as girls, if this baby is a girl, her middle name will be Bernice (after BOTH of my grandmothers)! There are a few names we both really like but we keep running into questions about pronunciation.

Isla–This is our front runner and my favorite. However, my husband’s family is all Spanish-speaking and he worries the pronunciation will be so confusing since Isla would literally be pronounced “Ees-la in Spanish.

Laurel–Another name we really love although I hesitate that it sounds too close to Hazel with the -el ending.

Jolie–We love the idea of this name, but again it comes down to pronunciation. Is it JO-lee like Josie or Jo-LEE like the actress? Will we forever be correcting people? If I think about it too much it makes my head spin!

Would love to hear your expert advice or any thoughts that you have. We love both of our kids’ names so much, I feel like the pressure is on for this third baby! Thanks again!

Rachel

Simon seems great to me. Grayson seems like the wrong style with Charlie and Hazel. I’m about to suggest a bunch of names that may very well fall into the Henry/Theodore/James category, but that’s seems like the very category we should be looking at: vintage revival and/or timeless. I’m ignoring the preference for two syllables for now: especially for girl names, I think it unnecessarily rules out too many good candidates. And I don’t know anything about Spanish pronunciation, so I’m leaving that aside as well. You may start to wonder why I am even answering the question if I’m not able/willing to follow the guidelines, and to that I say la la la I do what I want.

Elliot/Emmett/Everett. I think of these names as their own little group, and I think all of them would be great in this sibling group. Charlie, Hazel, and Elliot. Charlie, Hazel, and Emmett. Charlie, Hazel, and Everett. My favorite is Emmett: I think it has the friendly sound of Charlie.

Miles. Charles and Hazel both have a Z-sound; adding another might appeal, or might seem like too much, especially since it repeats the ending of Charles. Milo might be better, and it has a friendlier sound. Charlie, Hazel, and Milo.

Ian. Charlie, Hazel, and Ian. This would make a cute monogram of the surname-in-the-middle variety: IPI.

Malcolm. I like how this name has a formal/friendly sound: dressed up like Charles, but approachable like Charlie. Charlie, Hazel, and Malcolm. I find it a little difficult to say with the surname, but not too difficult.

Jasper. Charlie, Hazel, and Jasper. I was wondering why that name sounded like it clicked together with the surname in a familiar way, and I think it’s because of the artist Jackson Pollock.

Nicholas. This name is familiar enough that I find my eyes sometimes skim right past it in the name book. But I met a little baby Nicholas recently and was charmed by the name all over again. Charlie, Hazel, and Nicholas. I don’t like the initials NIP, though.

Sam. I would probably use the long form Samuel. Sam feels to me like an absolutely natural brother name for Charlie. Charlie, Hazel, and Sam. Again, I’m not crazy about the initials, but SIP is better than NIP.

George. I love this name so much. Charlie, Hazel, and George. I think that’s darling. It makes me want to squeeze all of them.

Wesley. Charles, Hazel, and Wesley; Charlie, Hazel, and Wes. This is one of my favorite combinations.

Leo. Perfect with Charlie, but maybe too informal with Charles. Charlie, Hazel, and Leo. Initials spell LIP.

Louis. One of my own favorites. Charlie, Hazel, and Louis. LIP initials again.

Oliver. This seems like such a good fit. Charles, Hazel, and Oliver.

You wouldn’t want to use Albert, would you? I’m ready to hear it again, and am trying to talk others into making that happen. It helps that when I was a child there was an extremely kind and gentle college-aged swimming teacher named Albert/Al. He was such a contrast to the other college-aged male swimming teachers, who were loud and show-offy and flirty; Al was warm and patient and nice, and a good teacher. Charles, Hazel, and Albert; Charlie, Hazel, and Al (or Bertie).

Edmund. Charles, Hazel, and Edmund; Charlie, Hazel, and Eddie/Teddy.

Now, for the girl names. You two know your husband’s family: are they good with learning English pronunciations of things? Will they be able/willing to learn it, even though it is different than what they’d expect it to be? If so, then I think you should use Isla if you want to, despite the pronunciation issue. If instead they would never really be able/willing to learn it, or if they would give you a hard time about it, that might be too much hassle and I might suggest going with something else.

Would Iris be any easier? It’s botanical like Hazel, which might make it too matchy for your tastes, but I think it’s a better style fit with Hazel. Charles, Hazel, and Iris.

Laurel feels very matched with Hazel—not only both botanical, but also the matched endings. I also have a little trouble saying Laurel Pollack.

Part of the package deal of the name Jolie is going to be correcting pronunciation. Would that drive you crazy, or would you be fine with that? I pronounce it jo-LEE, like Angelina Jolie and like the French word. But I wouldn’t be surprised to find a JO-lee, like Joely Fisher. Well, I’d be a little surprised. But in any case, the style of Jolie seems so different from the style of Charlie and Hazel, and it bothers me a little that there’d be too -lie endings, and I don’t quite like it with the surname: the repeating -ol- sound, I think.

I would probably head more in the direction of vintage revival and/or timeless again. When I looked for boy names, I was looking for something to match the friendliness of Charlie; for girl names, I’m looking for something to match the substance and sass of Hazel.

Eloise. This gives you Z-sounds in all three names. Charles, Hazel, and Eloise.

Eliza. This too gives you Z-sounds in all three names. Charles, Hazel, and Eliza.

Louise. This too gives you Z-sounds in all three names, while also meeting the 2-syllable preference. Charles, Hazel, and Louise.

Georgia. Charlie, Hazel, and Georgia.

Alice. Charlie, Hazel, and Alice.

Lydia. Charles, Hazel, and Lydia.

Matilda. Charlie, Hazel, and Matilda.

Minerva. Charlie, Hazel, and Minerva.

Ruby. Charlie, Hazel, and Ruby.

Winifred. Charles, Hazel, and Winifred.

Name update:

Hi Swistle,

Just wanted to send you a baby update.  Everyone swore up and down we were having a boy so when our girl, Lilah Bernice, arrived a few weeks ago, we were all surprised!!  Thank you so much for all of your thoughtful comments and your readers thoughts as well.  Reading through everyone’s ideas really helped us narrow down our list and we settled on her name rather quickly.   Her brother and sister lovingly refer to her as “Little Lilah”.   Thanks again!

xRachel

Dear Swistle,

I’m excited to be writing to you after reading for years! My husband (Joe) and I (Louisa) are expecting our first child (a boy) in early November. The baby will have my husband’s last name, pronounced MOOSE-oh.

When we started to talk about names, we agreed on a girl’s name right away that we’re going to save for a future daughter – Philippa Grace, nicknamed Pip or Pippa. Other girls’ names we like include Lydia and Eloise. Finding the right boy’s name for THIS baby is much harder! We’ll likely stop at two, max three children.

My favorite for this baby is Jonathan. I think that it feels serious and somewhat classic while still giving plenty of options from childhood to adulthood – Jonathan, Jack, Jonny, Jon. My husband doesn’t like the spelling of Jonathan (he’d be more open to Johnathan, which I think looks strange and would prompt a lot of correcting over the course of our son’s life!). I also like Kenneth (Ken or Kenny), Charles (Charlie), and Nathaniel (Nate) – these are all vetoed by my husband.

My husband’s favorite is Jack as a standalone first name. He likes the sound, that it feels masculine, and that there are some family connections on his side. To me, Jack feels like a nickname, not a full name. His other favorites included Declan, Aidan and Cormac (all vetoed by me).

Other names we’re considering are Dominic (nn Nico), John (nn Jack), Connor, and Dean. We’re stuck disagreeing on John because we both feel so strongly about Jack/Jonathan and neither Dean, Connor, or Dominic feels quite right so far.

Middle names we are considering are Louis (we like that this echoes my first name, and combined with John or Jonathan would be an homage to John Lewis, who is one of our heroes), Douglass, and Xavier. We don’t like any of these for first names.

Other names we’ve ruled out as first names are Kent, Patrick, George, Cameron, Maxwell, Quinn, Scott, Seamus, Caleb, Lee, and Adam

We’re not down with names that are super trendy and we’ve also love to stay out of the top 20 if we can.

Thanks for your help!

Louisa

I am of two minds. First mind: I think the two of you are going to have to abandon the entire Jonathan/Johnathan/Jack/John branch. The Johnathan spelling seems problematic to me, too; it would certainly be manageable if you both agreed on it and were willing to take on the hassle, but not if one of you doesn’t like it. And I don’t think of Jack as a nickname for either spelling. And your feelings about Jack seeming like a nickname rather than a given name need to be taken into account. Plus, while it is too old and familiar a name to be called trendy, its recent usage has felt trendy to me: it joined Max and Sam in a late-1990s resurgence of short-boy-names-that-used-to-seem-like-old-man-names. Fashionable, that’s the word I’m looking for: it’s not trendy, but it’s recently been very fashionable.

But this is my second mind: Wait, why isn’t John-nicknamed-Jack the perfect solution here? It removes the Jonathan/Johnathan spelling issue. It offers a beautiful compromise for the “he wants Jack but it seems like a nickname to you” issue. It takes care of Swistle’s possibly overly-strict objection to Jack as a nickname for Jonathan/Johnathan. It reminds you of John Lewis, and both of you like that connection. It’s not trendy; it’s not in the top 20. It’s great with your surname; it’s great with all your possible future daughter names. It goes well with Louis, and I love the reasons for using Louis. I mean, it seems like we’re done here. Aren’t we done here?

If we are not done here, then I’d note that I see a lot of hard-C and K sounds in the names on your lists: Kenneth, Declan, Cormac, Dominic, Nico, Connor. I wonder if you’d like:

Aidric
Broderick
Calvin
Clark
Frederick
Isaac
Karl
Kendrick
Kieran
Nicholas
Oscar
Quentin

Or instead of Jonathan, would you like Benjamin? The two names seem very similar to me: same syllables, same rhythm, same nickname potential; both have prominent J-sounds and N-sounds; both end in N. Ben is one of my favorite nicknames for boys: it sounds friendly and reliable.

More possibilities:

Desmond
Edmund
Grant
Harrison
Henry
Oliver
Simon

Name update:

Dear Swistle,

Thank you for taking our question – I’m writing with an update on our baby boy! You and your readers were almost 100% united on a name – we were really struck by the degree to which everyone enthused about John Louis, nickname Jack, as the perfect solution to our dilemma. In hindsight I think we were looking for reassurance that John Louis wasn’t too staid and that we weren’t overlooking another great option, but clearly we should have trusted our gut so thank you and your readers for giving us confidence! John Louis (Jack to his friends!) was born on Monday and we are already calling him Crackerjack, Johnnycake, Johnny-on-the-Spot, Jack-in-the-Box …. etc.

Thanks, Swistle!

Louisa

Help! I’m due in 2 weeks and cannot settle on a girls name for this baby. If it’s a boy, we’ve picked the name James Patrick (James is a name we like and Patrick is my husband’s name). We have a 2 year old named Rose Evelyn (we liked the name Rose and Evelyn was my husbands paternal grandmothers name).

To me, Rose Evelyn is the perfect name for us. Sounds great with our last name (Doherty; we pronounce it door-tee), easily recognizable but not overly common as a first time, and you cannot tell the age of the person just by seeing their name.

We had picked the name Claire Eloise out if we had another daughter, but my brother-in-law just used Claire for his daughter, so that’s off the table now.

Our two finalists are:

May Emmeline (not after any family members) or

Eloise Margaret (Eloise after my mom who’s middle name is Louise and Margaret after my mother-in-law).

My main criteria are a classic, non-trendy name that is timeless. Other names I like that have been vetoed by my husband are: Fiona, Lucy, Florence, Alice and Margot.

Any other suggestions?! Which name do you like best and why? Thank you!

-Anne

The name I like best is May. Here is why:

1. It’s a name that, like Rose, is more familiar as a middle name, and a fresh surprise as a first name.

2. It’s one syllable, like Rose and the possible future brother James.

3. Like the name Rose, it’s a name that gives me a feeling of sweet simplicity.

4. It has completely different sounds than the name Rose, while matching beautifully in style.

But I also love the name Eloise. Here’s why:

1. If you later have a James, you’d have three names in which an S is pronounced like a Z. I wouldn’t put that as a huge selling point (and in fact it could be seen as a downside), but it could be fun.

2. It won’t make you feel trapped into using only one-syllable names for possible future siblings.

3. Like the name Rose, it’s a name that has some sass to it.

4. You’ve paired it with Margaret, and I like that each girl gets a family name.

My favorite of all would be to take May and pair it with a family middle name. I don’t always like alliteration, but I feel drawn to May Margaret. I like to say it. I am picturing the baby, and I would call her May Margaret.

Or I also love May Louise. My mom and I feel that Louise is the winner for Most Fun to Say middle names. Rose Evelyn and May Louise is spectacular.

Name update:

Thanks so much for all the great responses! To our surprise, this baby did indeed turn out to be a girl!! We went back and forth for a few hours between Eloise and May, but decided on May after the midwife mentioned she had delivered another Eloise this week (plus the overwhelmingly positive responses on here)! As for the middle name, I decided to let my mom choose…I figured no better way to honour her than that! So May Emmeline it is! Thank you so much Swistle and followers for your help!