My name problem is a little different.
My son is named after his father, who is named after his, who is named after his. In other words, my husband is Robert III and my son is Robert IV.
My husband went by Bobby when I met him, but now likes to go by Robert or Rob. This is because it’s kind of a tradition for the Dad to go from Bobby to Robert once they have a son, that way the son can now be called Bobby. It honestly doesn’t really matter to me what my son is called, but it’s very important to my husband.
So, the issue is with my step-mother. She never had kids of her own and spends a lot of time with my son. She never thought she’d have grandchildren, so the fact that my son thinks of her the same as my mother is a big deal I think. She’s a nice lady, a bit high-strung and can’t seem to ever sit down, but nice. When she has my son, she fills every minute with different activities.
She has always called my son Robert though. It really bothers my husband. She gets ornamates made for my family and my brothers at Christmas time. My sons character always has “Robert” on it and my husbands is “Bobby”. This is what bothers him the most. He really likes the idea of the ornaments, but doesn’t want to use them because of this issue.
Shas texted me and said “what’s Robert doing?” I reply that he’s working, she’ll reply that she meant the other one, so I say something like “oh Bobby isn’t doing anything.” I know that sounds passive aggressive, but she is VERY sensitive. One time, as a child, I got in severe trouble because I made her cry. How did I do that? I didn’t say hi back to her when she walked by one morning. I was eating… my mouth was full and I tried to do the head nod thing, but she got her feelings hurt and I got yelled at. Because of this, we usually try to go through my dad for any issues. I try to talk to her about them, but I also always try to make it light-hearted because of her sensitivity.
So, I’ve told my dad about the issue a couple times. He now calls my son Bobby and husband Robert, but she doesn’t. (Meanwhile, her family still calls my son “Baby Bobby” which drives my little guy crazy because he’s now 5. Even the kids call him that, but I digress.)
To top it off, I recently had a baby girl. I’ve always wanted a girl named Charlie. My husband wanted it to be a nickname just in case she doesn’t like it and that was fine with me. So her name is Charlotte, but we literally never use that. It’s Charlie to everyone. Except to my step-mother, again. She always calls her Charlotte. I’ll call her Charlie and then it seems like my step-mom will make sure to use Charlotte right after.
I’m not sure what to do. I’m non-confrontational in general, but it’s even worse with her. I got in trouble for hurting her feelings more times than I can count as a child. I’m sure I deserved it sometimes. But this is a woman who started full-on sobbing because my dad brought the cat to their new house first and not the dog. He was going back to get the dog that same day.
Anyway, this is so long! Is it really a big enough deal to risk an altercation? Please advise if you can and thanks for your time.
This is tricky. This is very, very tricky. I have been thinking about this since you wrote over a week ago, and I am not yet settled in my mind on an answer.
In general, in GENERAL, I think the parents are the bosses of the child’s name until the child is old enough to be boss of it. If you have a James and you want him called Jamie, I am here for the discussion on how we get a relative to stop calling him Jimmy.
But in nearly all the situations I can think of, there is ALSO the option of using the child’s actual given name. That is, it seems like parents are usually more like “If you’re going to use a nickname, this is our chosen one,” and not “You may ONLY use the nickname and you may NOT use the given name.” James and Jamie, but not Jimmy; Elizabeth and Libby, but not Beth.
Here is a situation I could think of where this was not the case, and it is has some overlap with yours. The parents were using an honor name they absolutely didn’t want to use, consisting of names they hated, so they asked that the child be called something completely different. That is, the child’s name was something like Egbert Leslie Johnson IV, and the parents could not find anything within that name that they could stand to have their child called, so they asked that he be called Jason. In that case, if a relative were insisting on calling him Egbert and then saying with faux innocence “But that’s his given name! YOU named him that name!,” I would be ready to throw down. This is what stops me from saying to you that the child’s legal given name really should be one of his name options.
Also, reading your letter, it really sounds as if your step-mom must be doing this on purpose at this point. I know you don’t want to upset her, but it’s time to either let the whole thing go or else dial things up. Hints are not working, either because she is genuinely that clueless or because she is deliberately leaning on the benefit of the doubt in order to go against what you want. If she asks how Robert is doing, and you say he’s at work, and she says, “Oh, I mean the other one,” it doesn’t seem to be working to say “Oh, Bobby’s playing with blocks.” It’s time for “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you meant Bobby: we never call him Robert. My husband’s family’s tradition is that the dad goes by Robert and the child goes by Bobby. We’re really not calling him Robert at all.” You’d say it pleasantly, so very pleasantly.
If she responds to the escalation and says, “But it’s his naaaaaaame!,” you’d say, “Oh, I know! But we’re using the nickname. That’s the tradition in their family, so that’s how we’re doing it.” Lean on this tradition concept. Lean on the “Despite other possible ways of doing this, this is how WE are doing this” concept.
If she gives you ornaments that are mis-labeled, swap them if possible. That is, unless she got a Rockette ornament with “Bobby” on it and a My Sixth Christmas ornament with “Robert” on it, just…swap them. The Robert one is your husband’s. The Bobby one is your son’s. Or, since your husband once went by Bobby and the plan is for your son to one day go by Robert, you could say that the two ornaments belong jointly to the two of them, representing the two versions of their name that they will both use in their lifetimes (assuming your son chooses to follow this tradition).
If swapping/sharing won’t work, you have a few options. You can decline to put them up, without comment. You can put them up and not make a big deal about it, the way you might for any other well-intentioned gifting mistake (for example, if she got your husband a golf-themed ornament and he doesn’t even play golf). If your husband went by Bobby for several decades, perhaps he already has ornaments personalized with “Bobby” and can add these to that batch; your son can think of his “Robert” ornaments as being customized for the time after his first son is born or, more simply, as just being customized with his full/formal name instead of with his nickname. Or you can address it with her around November: “In previous years you’ve had such wonderful ornaments made for us. We LOVE this idea and we really treasure them. In case you’re planning to do it again this year, I wanted to mention that in my husband’s family it’s tradition for the father to go by Rob/Robert as soon as he has a son, and for the son to go by Bobby. So Rob’s should say Robert or Rob, and Bobby’s should say Bobby.” You say it pleasantly and informatively, as if it’s the first time you’ve told her.
The follow-up is this: You start calling her on it EVERY SINGLE TIME. When she asks how Robert is, you correct her every single time. When she says, “Hi, Robert!” to him in your presence, you say “Oh, Linda, remember we only call him Bobby”—every single time. You say it as if you are a very pleasant voice-recording that can’t be annoyed by having the replay button hit again and again and again. You say it as if the concern here is that perhaps your step-mother is getting senile, and you are filled with compassion for her sad plight and don’t want to make her feel bad about it by letting her know you’ve already told her this a hundred times.
You also train Bobby to correct her. It has to be with politeness beyond reproach, but if he has a strong preference about what he’s called, he’s old enough to learn the polite way to make his preference known.
I suggest handing off almost all of this work/training to your husband. Not only is he the one this all matters to, but it sounds as if there is a history here that means we need to be realistic about the practicality of suggesting you repeatedly correct your step-mother’s behavior. And I may be utterly wrong here, but when I have encountered people like your step-mother in my life, I’ve found they tend to take a gentle correction from a man WAY BETTER than the same gentle correction from a woman; same thing with non-relatives over relatives. If she begins to work up a fit, you can shrug sympathetically and say, “Oh, Linda, I know! It’s not something that seems like a big deal to me either! But it IS a big deal to Rob, and we’re going with his family traditions on this one.” If you have access to a running joke about something that is done YOUR family’s way (and even better if it’s HER special way of doing something), this is the place to put it: “After all, he gave in to our family on what’s REALLY important: leaving the skins in the mashed potatoes.”
If she throws a fit, this is yet another level removed from being within my area of expertise, but certainly at this point you are an adult and she can’t get you in trouble anymore. You don’t have to do things her way, or apologize to her when you choose not to do things her way. You can ignore her reactions. …Well, I mean, theoretically you can ignore her: I know these things are never so easy when applied to real people and real relationships. But there is room here to say, “I’m really sorry it upsets you, but this is still how we’re doing the names” and “I understand you prefer the name Robert, but we have decided that he will be called Bobby for now.” You’d say the same if she got your dad or another family member to bring you the problem: “I’m really sorry it upsets Linda, but these are the names we’ve decided to use.” Say it with a little bit of bafflement, as you would if she were INSISTING that the whole family join her in getting you to buy Bobby blue sneakers instead of white.
Or, and I do think you should consider this possibility: Don’t do any of this, especially if it doesn’t bother your son to be called Robert. (DOES it bother him to be called Robert?) Let her do what she’s doing. Resign yourself to the idea that she will always use your children’s given names rather than the preferred nicknames. As a Coping Thought, think of it as if these were her own special pet names for your kids. Stop trying to work on her: when she asks you how Robert is, answer the question you know she means. Try to think of it as an opportunity to enjoy another facet of the names, one that you don’t hear as often. See if your husband can come to peace with the idea that his family’s naming tradition does not need to be followed by every member of the extended family; and that just as he might have old friends who still call him Bobby, his son might have people in his life who call him Robert ahead of schedule. (This will have a side benefit of allowing room for your son to go by Rob or Robbie or Robert later on if he prefers it, even if he has not yet had a son.)
One issue that makes me inclined to either let it go or at least go very, very easy on your step-mother is that you’ve been letting her do this for five full years. When parents have a strong preference about a child’s name, this preference needs to be set firmly and immediately, from the very start. Instead, we’re talking about five years of established behavior, and with someone who is very involved in your son’s life. To you and your husband, it may feel as if she’s ignored five years of your requests; to her, she may feel as if this is the first time you’re telling her.
In fact, it may work in your favor that you recently had another baby: you can do it from the start this time, and piggyback the other naming issue onto it. You have already thoroughly learned that hints don’t work, so from the very start it should be, “Oh—we are ONLY calling her Charlie—just like we’re only calling her brother Bobby. We only put Charlotte on the birth certificate in case she wants something more formal later.” Then every time your step-mom says Charlotte, you say “Oh—remember, we are only calling her Charlie.” EVERY TIME.
If this doesn’t work, you will need to decide how far you are willing (and/or how far it is worth it) to escalate this. The next step would have to be even more direct and probably less pleasant (“Please stop calling her Charlotte; we are only calling her Charlie” or “Is there something we could do to help you remember to call him Bobby?”), and not everyone can do that, or wants to.
