Hi Swistle,
I am writing at the request of my cousin, who has a non-baby but still-naming question, if you’d be open to assisting. My cousin’s name is Trudy with a J, but they are non-binary and are looking for a name that suits them better. They have been using Jay as an interim solution and are planning to use it as a middle name going forward, so the letter J does not otherwise need to be honored. They have also considered Jude as a first name, but are concerned it doesn’t feel different enough from Trudy with a J.
Generally, Trudy likes names that are gender neutral leaning masculine and has a strong preference for a name that is able to be shortened to a nickname. The current frontrunner is Ryan (with the nickname “Ry”). Names they like but don’t feel quite right include: Wyatt, Evan, Emery, Cole, Dylan, Clarke, Austin, August, Ray/Rae, Wilder, Brennan, Teagan, and Leo.
More broadly they like Y sounds like in Ryan, E sounds like Evan and Emery, L sounds, and R sounds. They also like the idea of a nature-related name like Sage.
We are hoping you might have some additional suggestions or other thoughts!
Best,
Decca with a B and Cousin Trudy with a J
I instantly seize upon the idea of using Jude. It meets the preference for a name that is gender-neutral-leaning-masculine. It’s similar to the given name, in a way that would make it a fairly easy switch, not that that’s our primary goal, and in fact it sounds like the goal is to make a bigger change, so I understand if this is actually a con rather than a pro. It also doesn’t meet the preference for a nickname (though J. would still work—or J.J. with the middle initial). Still, this reminds me of when parents pick of their family surnames as a joint/new-family surname, and then it happens that the OTHER parent’s surname makes a great first name for one of their kids: it’s just so nice when it works out so easily/nicely, and it’s not common for it to do so, which makes me want to GRAB it when it’s available. In this case, it seems fairly rare that the given name would yield such a lovely unisex alternative so easily, and so my inclination is to leap on it. But! I am picking up from the letter that this idea is the kind of idea that seems perfect on paper but is not clicking in real life, so I will lend my support to it in case it is still an option, but otherwise we will move on to other possibilities.
You don’t mention your cousin’s age, but one thing that feels important to me when choosing a new name is to choose something age-appropriate. The name Wilder is what made me think of it: it’s a name that was virtually unused as a first name until the last decade or so. Encountering it on a grown adult would be startling and might invite unwelcome follow-up questions (“Wow! How did your parents choose that?”). But this is my own preference: some people would prefer to have a name doesn’t draw attention / start conversations, and others don’t mind and/or would even like the attention/conversations.
Another issue I like to consider is how easy the name change is to announce/explain, and I expect there would be a wide range of preferences on this, which is one reason it’s good to think it over ahead of time. If I imagine changing my name from Kristen to Kris or Christian, both of those feel fairly simple and undramatic, which is what my own preference would be; if I imagine changing my name to Panther or Sterling, those feel more difficult, and well outside my preference for causing a stir/reaction. But others wouldn’t mind the challenge or the reaction, and/or would even like it.
Ryan is a terrific option. The usage is definitely neutral-leaning-masculine, and it would suit a wide range of ages. Ry seems less like a nickname and more like a pet name (I think of nicknames as something you could write on a name tag or school paper, like “Sam” or “Charlie,” while a pet name is something someone might call you verbally or in a text, such as “Em” or “T”), but the important thing is that it satisfies their own definition of a nickname.
I am noticing as I look for more name/nickname combinations that a lot of names with nicknames tend to have pretty gendered usage, and it’s the NICKNAMES that tend to be gender-neutral—which is the wrong way around for what we’re looking for. Nicky can be for everyone, but Nicole is used only for girls and Nicholas only for boys; Alex can be for everyone, but Alexandra is used only for girls and Alexander only for boys; Sam can be for everyone, but Samantha is used only for girls and Samuel only for boys; Charlie can be for everyone, but Charlotte is used only for girls and Charles only for boys; Lou can be for everyone, but Louise/Louisa are only used for girls and Louis only for boys.
And gender-neutral given names tend not to have nicknames (Lee, Drew, Casey, Grey, Sage, Lane, Riley, Reece, Rory, Quinn, Avery, Teagan), or else have nicknames that feel gender-specific: for example, Emerson can be used for anyone, but Emmie feels feminine; Elliott can be used for anyone, but Ellie and Lottie feel feminine; Hollis can be used for anyone, but Holly feels feminine.
There are exceptions, of course, it’s just that they’re harder to find. Cameron is a pretty perfect example: the name itself is gender-neutral, and so is the nickname Cam. Alex is gender-neutral; the nickname Al leans masculine. Finley is gender-neutral leaning somewhat feminine (though I would have thought leaning masculine if I hadn’t just looked up the numbers); the nickname Finn leans masculine. Campbell is gender-neutral; the nickname Camp is more masculine, the nickname Cam neutral, the nicknames Cammie/Bell/Bella feminine. Micah is gender-neutral-leaning-much-more-masculine; the nickname Mike leans much-more-masculine. Callan is gender-neutral-leaning-much-more-masculine; the nickname Cal is gender-neutral-leaning-more-masculine. Parker is gender-neutral; the nickname Park is also gender-neutral (and kind of nature-y!). Skyler is gender-neutral; the nickname Sky is also gender-neutral (and kind of nature-y!).
Let’s let Park/Sky segue us into finding more nature-y options. …Actually, I’m not finding much. Nature names such as Fern and Meadow and Willow are used overwhelmingly for girls, while nature names such as Forest and Jasper and Stone are used overwhelmingly for boys, to the point that none of them feel gender-neutral. River, perhaps: that one is gender-neutral-leaning-masculine; no good nickname, though. Ocean is gender-neutral; again, no good nickname. Perhaps Laken with the nickname Lake? Larkin with the nickname Lark? Cedar—but no good nickname. Fielding? That feels like a reach.
This is the point where, when I am helping parents name a baby, I start to wonder if the reason they’re struggling is the same reason I’m struggling: that the preferences are working against each other. That is: it may be that if we look at the field of names that are neutral-leaning masculine AND have a good nickname, we will have given ourselves too tiny of a list to work with, and that’s why we’re stuck. Nicknames tend to go with more gender-specific names; gender-neutral names tend to be less likely to have nicknames. Nature names tend to lean feminine and tend not to have nicknames. Etc. Sometimes the next step is to rank those preferences to see which are most important (and/or identify which preferences seem to be eliminating otherwise-loved names most problematically)—and possibly eliminate a preference altogether, if necessary to get to the names we love and want to use.
Sometimes this can be resolved by loosening/modifying a preference rather than eliminating it: e.g., expanding the definition of “nickname,” which your cousin has already done by allowing Ryan/Ry. Perhaps this expansion would include initial nicknames, such as R.J. and E.J. and so forth? Having the middle name Jay makes this beautifully easy.
Or I wonder if a surname name is the way to go here? A LOT of those are gender-neutral, and many maintain a gender-neutral feeling even if actual usage tips one way or the other. And if there is a good relationship with the family, it may be possible/pleasant to pull a surname from the family tree. Here are some other surname candidates (including a few already mentioned):
Alcott/Al
Alder/Al
Ashton/Ash
Barrett/Bear/Barry/Rett
Beckett/Beck/Bex
Blakely/Blake
Callahan/Cal
Callan/Cal
Campbell/Cam/Camp
Colby/Cole
Elliot
Ellis
Finley/Fin
Gibson/Gib/Gibs
Holland/Hol
Hollis/Hol
Keller/Kel/Kells
Merrit
Miller/Mills
Percy
Perry
Quincy/Quin
Reilly
One of our favorite tests around here is “the Starbucks test,” which is where you order a coffee (or anything where you have to give your name) and tell the barista the name you’re considering: Ryan, or Lake, or Miller. It gives a perfect low-investment opportunity to try on a name: see how it feels to say it, see how it feels to perhaps have to repeat/spell it, etc. In a pandemic, this may not work as well—but perhaps SOON, and/or perhaps in the meantime for take-out orders!
Kyle!
Same Y sound as Ryan. Gender neutral, leaning masculine. I have a (female) cousin Kyle. I think it would be a great choice.
I will also throw my son’s name, Sonny, in the mix as a nice option. His middle name happens to be Jude!
Hope the perfect name finds your cousin.
One of the parents at my son’s school is non-binary and they changed their name to Andromeda. Which I know is feminine leaning, but the shortened version they use is Andy which I think is great!
Is Hollis a nature name as well as a surname? That combination seems appealing, but then you don’t get the nickname. Auden is another one (Denny as a nickname maybe?).
This may be too feminine, but what about Briar nn Bri? Close to Ry, but more natury.
Or, what about Heath? Glen (Maybe Glennon for a long form)? Dale? Rowan/Ro? Linden/Lin? Birch?
I think it might be helpful to find a name with a personal connection. I like Swistle’s family surname idea, if there are any that feel positive. Or maybe a name taken from a natural area that’s meaningful? For example Whitney for Mt. Whitney. (Although now I need to go look up if the original Whitney was a horrible person).
+1 for both Heath and Rowan/Ro. Maybe Asher? I like the symbolism of Ember. And I think any of those sound good with Jude: Rowan Jude, Asher Jude, Ember Jude. Or as initials: RJ, AJ, EJ (although that feels a little 90s to me for some reason).
A couple neutral names with neutral nicknames I’ve collected:
Hollis nn Ollie
Morgan nn Mo, Maury, Moon, MJ
Loren nn Lore
Callisto nn Cal, Cas, CJ
Nikola nn Nix
I have a few gender neutral names on my list, maybe some of then will appeal:
Sage
True
Artemis
Merritt
Remy
Indigo
Skyler
I think Sage, Skyler (Sky), and Indigo (Indy?) have a nature-ish feel to them.
I know several folks of various genders named Glen, Dale, and River. What about Robin (nn Robbie or Bobbie)? If Jude or J will be the middle name, all work with initials as nicknames.
That was not supposed to be a reply
I _love_ Robin. So does my husband. The problem is he likes it for girls and I like it for boys, which is why neither of our kids have it, lol. This is irrelevant for an enbie, of course. my pair seem to be fairly cis.
Arden nn Ari, Artie, AJ
Sidney nn Sid
Marion nn Mars, MJ
Laverne nn Verne
Ryan as the frontrunner plus Evan and Dylan on the not-quite-right list made me think of Devon and Taylor and Tyler. I also love Swistle’s suggestion of Cameron. Good luck to your cousin in finding the perfect name!
Joss!
Nature gender neutral names that lean male:
Aspen
Grey
Adrian (meaning “of the sea” makes it nature-ish)
Hayden (heathered hill)
Phoenix
I love Jude. Such a handsome name.
In the U.S., the usage of the name Aspen leans female: 1,275 new baby girls and 160 new baby boys given the name in 2019.
This is going to sound weird but I think some place names are neutral/masculine leaning while also being nature-y and might work for names. YMMV and really depends where you live tbh.
Bryce – Bry
Zion – Zi, Zy
Walden – Wall or Den or Denny
Lexington – Lex
Concord – Cory, Cor, Con
Irvine – Irv, Vine
Salem (might be too… witchy? related to Sabrina’s cat?)
Conway – Con
Temple (maybe too religious?)
Dublin
Dover
Dayton
Memphis
Raleigh
Riley? It’s my brother’s name and we call him Riles, but Ry would work too.
Parker? I like Emerson too. Elliot also works for both genders.
If not Jude … Jade?
Some names inspired by your also-rans: Everett (nn Rhett, Ev, Ever); Callum or Calder (nn Cal); Grayson (nn Gray). Some gender-neutral nature names (though without good nicknames): Forrest; Reed; West; Wren/Ren.
I love Calder! (It’s my son’s middle name 😊) It also means “rocky water,” so it has the nature aspect too.
I don’t think I can add to Swistle’s thoughtful response and great suggestions. But I’m so surprised at the US usage of Finley! I’m in the UK and have never met or heard of a female Finley or Finlay although both are very popular for boys.
I, too, like Finley. I would mention in addition to using Fin/Finn as a nickname that Lee will also work as a neutral nickname.
Rory
Tate
Bailey
Edwin nn Eddie
Fred
Callen nn Cal
Julian nn Jules
Ezra
Kai
Jet
Basil/Bay
Or any surname that can be shortened to Mac, like McKinley.
+1 to Linden! A fab gender-neutral name that is also a nature name and has a good nickname (Lin).
Linden, Rowan, and River all seem perfect.
What about Rory or Ryder? I liked others suggestions of Riley.
I love Jude but if it’s too close, what about Jules or Julian (I know a female one).
This fits very closely with my own naming preferences, minus the leaning masculine.
Some names worth considering:
Waverly, Wave or Lee
Hyacinth, Hy
Indigo, Indy
Cosmos, Mo
Betony, Bet or Tony,
Lupine, Lou
Quill
Wicklow
Rowan
Roan (not pronounced the same as the above, one syllable like the river)
Valerian, Val or Ryan
Mallow, Mal
Halcyon, Hal
Gentian, Ian
Julian, nn Jules
River, nn Rio
I love the idea of Julian/Jules, which also keeps the Ju- from Trudy with a J!
My first thought was Skyler called Sky! Nature-related, nickname-friendly, gender-neutral.
I’m going to throw Tyler into the mix. I’ve met girls and boys named Tyler and Ty is a good nickname.
Names I had from a previous list (although most don’t have nicknames): Arden (Ari), Austin, Blake, Carter, Colby, Harvin, Kyle, Devon
Also forgot Logan
Brady
Robin
Blake
Corey
Lee
Glen
Haven
Lennon
Tyler
I especially like Robin (Robby!), and Lennon (Len, Lenny).
I met someone named Aries, and thought it was a neat connection to the Zodiac sign and could be a great gender-neutral name. I love Ryan, nn Ry. If they want Ry to have more of a permanent nn feel, they could spell it Rye. Or maybe Rian, nn Ries (pronounced Rise, although now that I look at this, Rhys pronounced Reece would be cool as a nn too. Ok, last idea; Ryce. The eldest daughter on the movie Beethoven was called Ryce and I thought it was a cool and unique name.)
Other ideas:
Kellen
Kelton
Sable
Stirling
Wellston nn Wells
Wynton, nn Wyn
Names that I know both female & males with are:
Kyle
Tyler
Carson
Logan
Parker
Britt
Shiloh
Phoenix
I do know of a female Wilder who is 35+ (perhaps 40+) tho I do not know the origin of her name.
I have a non-binary student this year named Ryle and I really love it on them. It combines elements from Ryan and Kyle, it’s unusual but totally intuitive to pronounce, it’s gender neutral. I like how it evokes “getting riled up”!
Riley also works, and they could use Rile or Ri as a nickname.
A few more options:
Parker
Jordan
Grey
I especially like an earlier commenter’s suggestion of Kyle, but would also throw in Glenn – surname, recalls nature (glen), mainly masculine, but then there is the wonderful Glenn Close…
Winter! I’ve met people of both genders named Winter, and Winn is a cute nn. Also Zephyr nn Zef or Zee, although both of the Zephyrs I’ve met were 50+, but it seems timeless to me.
I wanted to throw in the name Rylan, it’s very close to Ryan but a little more unusual. I’ve only heard it for a boy, but Google says it could be either. Good luck to them, whatever name they choose!
There’s no great nickname, but I love Sawyer! Also I saw a few comments with Indigo/Indy but maybe Indiana/Indy? It sounds more feminine to me (a ending) but thanks to Indiana Jones leans masculine and Indy feels very neutral to me.