Let’s say that, when someone you know (or the loved one of someone you know) dies, you like to send a donation to the charity mentioned in their obituary. What do you do if the charity they mention is one you actively don’t want to support?
I am in this situation right this minute. Paul’s elderly uncle-by-marriage has died, and Paul’s elderly aunt (special to me) survives. The uncle and aunt were residents of a nursing home which has stripped them of all their assets, not necessarily by fault of the nursing home, but by fault of the system which is set up to squeeze all assets from old people. The obituary says that memorial donations can be made to the nursing home. Our understanding is that “posting the obituary” is a service the nursing home provides, and that it’s the nursing home that has listed themselves as the preferred recipient of donations. We don’t know this for sure; we are not going to ask the grieving elderly aunt if this is the case; we don’t want to give more money to this exploitive system; please take these as the boundaries of this particular puzzle.
Because it could just as easily have happened that the obituary would suggest that donations could be made to a church with views we actively don’t want to support. Or could have suggested we make a donation to a consignment-sales organization whose anti-LGBTQ mission we don’t want to support. Or could have suggested we make a donation to ANY particular organization we are not willing to give money to. What THEN, is what I am wondering. How do you send a symbolic sympathy gift THEN?
One option is that we could do what people do when the obituary doesn’t suggest a charity, and we could make a donation to WHATEVER organization we think is a good one, among those organizations we think the deceased/survivors would also support. That is what started the obituary-charity-suggestion thing, I’m guessing: someone would die, and people would make a lot of donations in that person’s name to various charities, and after awhile it occurred to relatives that it would be a good idea to DIRECT those donations to a PARTICULAR charity. I do worry a little about Guessing Wrong, but there are so many relatively unobjectionable charities—animal shelters and world hunger organizations and so forth.
Another option is that we could just donate to the charity mentioned anyway, even if we don’t support it. I’m not a fan of this option, but I want us all to know I am aware of it, so that no one feels the need to suggest it. Perhaps we could all think for a moment about an organization we are opposed to, and then imagine “just” donating to it “anyway.” Nah, right? Nah.
A third option is that we could skip the donation, and send flowers. I feel like this is a perfectly acceptable option, but a waste of potentially-charitably-useful money in a situation where the bereaved will be receiving a lot of flowers they will have no place for. But it’s not a terrible option. I’m okay with sentimental/symbolic/decorative wastefulness. And I feel like I could make it work a little better by sending the flowers, say, on the one-month anniversary of the death. This seems like a particularly good option for the particular case I am currently considering, where emotional/still-thinking-of-you-and-here’s-something-decorative-to-show-it support might be more valuable.
A fourth option is that we could do a Caring Gift—we’re distant in this particular case, but if the recipient were local this would be like bringing over a casserole, or a bag of yogurt/juice/muffins, or a cake, or whatever. For a distant recipient, it could be sending food or…I don’t actually know what the options would be for someone in a nursing home. But the gist is that we could send something not related to what the obituary suggests, but also not flowers. Honestly in this particular case I can think of nothing, but in the past I have sent batches of cookies/brownies, or have had companies send food.
I am wondering what YOU do in this kind of situation, or what you think you WOULD do (if you haven’t had to deal with this before).
My two suggestions are:
1) Donate to a local library. We did this for my great-aunt, and they put book plates in the books they were able to buy with her name (we were able to suggest some general categories she would like). It feels good to think about people seeing her name as they check the books out, especially since she was a teacher for many years and there are likely many people who would recognize her name. This feels like it could be a little bit in between flowers or picking a different charity. More practical than flowers, but different enough from just making a monetary donation anywhere that it feels less like you are ignoring instructions.
2) Just donate to to the nursing home. Especially if it’s not a large of money in the scheme of things, I find it freeing to accept that part of giving money is sometimes giving up responsibility for deciding how it is spent. It’s a gesture, and I understand the concern about a bad system, but if you feel like it will show the aunt that you care and the people doing the day to day work in the home that the people they care for matter to people, I think you can absolve yourself from worrying that you were supposed to find a better strategy.
I think I would try to donate to a cause that I thought would be important to them. For instance, if they had cancer or Parkinson’s I would pick a charity that serves that community. I like the library idea too.
If I felt like being more sassy, I might contribute to a charity that addresses elder financial abuse. ;)
I think your idea of flowers on the 1 month anniversary is a lovely one.
Is it possible to ask the aunt what she’d prefer / what she thinks he would’ve liked? Or is that putting too much pressure on her?
Otherwise I think I personally would donate to something that seems generally appropriate. E.g. if he loved animals, to an animal shelter. If nothing about him makes for an easy association like that, then maybe to something for the elderly (is there a volunteer organisation that does things for the elderly around there?) or a general charity for people who need help.
I am not a flowers person, but I know many people are. Even for me, I think the idea of sending flowers on the 1 month anniversary is a lovely one.
Interesting question!
On rereading I note you said it’s not appropriate to ask her if the nursing home asked for donations to be made to the nursing home. So it is probably not appropriate to ask her where she thinks donations should go, either. Don’t mind me, I’ll just slink off over here and eat some more chocolate!
I was in roughly the same situation last year, with the added pressure that I knew that both the deceased and surviving relatives really were passionate about that particular organization/cause. The website for that charity (let’s say it was Stink Bug Rescue) allowed you to direct your donation to a particular use (eg Bug Food, Vet Bills, Education & Outreach, Area of Most Need, etc). While I wasn’t a fan of the overall mission, there was one option I felt I could support, so I did give a directed donation.
If I were going to choose a different charity, I think I would try for something small and local/personal to them (eg, the food bank in the small town where they lived for 50 years), rather than something big/universal. To me, that just feels more like it’s honoring him, somehow.
In the past, I’ve sometimes used Edible Arrangements instead of flowers. My hope is that it’s a similarly thoughtful gesture, and your aunt could share the fruit with friends/staff/fellow residents. I’ve also sent gift boxes of chocolate covered dried fruit, in situations where I thought shelf-stable might be better.
I’m sorry for the loss in your family! I wish your aunt the best.
I was once at my family church in my hometown, where I no longer live, many years after the death of my mother. The hymn book in the pew just happened to be one that someone (not known to me) had purchased and donated in my mother’s memory. There was a lovely label to that effect on the inside cover. I loved it. So if they are/were church-goers, you could do such and mention it in a sympathy card?
Or thinking along those lines, perhaps their hometown or church or library accepts donations for benches or tree-planting that come with a plaque? Though I imagine those might be expensive. Hymnal seems more like the appropriate amount.
Another thought I had is a photograph of them or him in a lovely frame, especially if you have one that your aunt might not?
(all that said, I think flowers on the anniversary is a very good idea!)
If, in this particular thought experiment, I felt that I had to make a donation to something and I didn’t support the charity suggested, what about making a donation to something innocuous and then sending a card with a bunch of nice things written and slip in “we’ve made a donation in X’s name” and just…not mentioning where it went? All true, you sent money to something that hopefully both you and the other party support, and it’s not your fault if they assume you sent it to the suggested place. But I also like all your other options (apart from the “just” donate anyway option but you don’t like that either so we are cool) and I think any of them would be very appropriate.
Harry and David, Spoonful of Comfort, or Edible Arrangements would be my default choice in this scenario.
Number 4 was my first thought, and to use it as an opportunity to provide your aunt with a need the nursing home might not be meeting. Something like a meal delivery gift card or a care package with books or treats, maybe new clothes or cosmetics/fun toiletries (how often is she able to get out and shop for herself?). To me, it seems like the intended outcome behind “please send donations to the nursing home” is “so that they can provide care for others”. If you’re feeling like this particular nursing home is not excelling at the providing care for others (valid) then providing additional care for your relative there I feel still meets the spirit of the request. OH as I’m typing this, some sort of gift basket/treats for the *staff* of the nursing home could also be a good alternative. My sense is that these staff members are often underpaid and underappreciated, so again, achieves the spirit of boosting morale so that better care can be provided, without having to monetarily support an organization that may not be using that money in the most altruistic of ways.
Personally I’d skip the donation altogether – and I’d also skip the flowers altogether. Often I think when there’s a “in lieu of flowers” that’s code for “I really don’t want my home filled with flowers that I have to do things with and that will all die in a week.” I’d send a nice card with a written message about the person who has passed, share a memory. If I was local to that person I would drop off something to eat, but I would do it after the first bustle of people-giving-things has passed. If I was not local, I would arrange to send something at the six-week mark. In my experience that’s when the initial sadness and people stepping up starts to fade, and it’s appreciated.
I agree with Nicole! I perceive donations request as a way to funnel peoples need to show care with money away from something they personally will have to manage. I write a nice note/card and make a plan to to something tangible in a couple months.