I am trying to think what to put into Halloween care packages for Rob and William. Rob’s will be MUCH SMALLER because I am gradually understanding (it is taking me awhile, because he is kind/tactful about it) that he does not want possessions and doesn’t like to have very many treats/snacks—but I hope HE understands that from a parental point of view, it feels Very Incorrect to send a big fun package to William and nothing to Rob. Anyway, my starting list is:
• seasonal snack cakes
• assorted individually-wrapped Halloween candies, as if they’d gone trick-or-treating
• mini pumpkin
• hand sanitizer
For WILLIAM, this will look like: one or two each of half a dozen different kinds of fall snack cakes (I have other children who will gladly hoover up the extras of each kind), plus fill the box ALLLLLLL the rest of the way up with candy. (He loves treats.) For ROB, this will look like: one each of mayyyybe two different snack cakes (he said on a previous occasion that it WAS nice to have an individually-wrapped, not-going-stale-anytime-soon treat option on hand for those times when he WOULD like to have a treat), plus a dozen small pieces of trick-or-treat candy, mostly mini Hershey bars, because I know those are his favorite. Or maybe I really will just send Rob nothing.
If this were for ELIZABETH, I would also be including a string of the gorgeous maple-leaf string lights my friend Surely sent me (in fact she sent me TWO sets, by happy accident), which are even more fabulous than you’d anticipate, and have MULTIPLE lighting modes the way some Christmas lights do.
(image from Amazon.com)
And in fact, I might send those to William, just because I think he’d find them funny/fun: they’re so surprisingly floofy when you take them out of the box. And they’re battery-operated, so he could use them as a spontaneous Halloween costume and be a tree. And I like the way the leaf theme can carry at least to Thanksgiving (I’m going to use mine as a table decoration), unlike ghosts/spiders/jackolanterns/bats which feel like they expire on November 1st. Maybe I’ll get him this shorter, less expensive string of them. (PLUS BATTERIES. He won’t have batteries, I don’t think. I leave this as a note to myself, as well as to anyone else who might be putting together a similar care package.)
Also if this were Elizabeth (she’s the only one with pierced ears): cute ghost earrings:
(image from Amazon.com)
If I’d thought further ahead, this would have been a good moment for a new t-shirt in a fallish color. Perhaps it’s not too late. If William were a graphic-tee person, which he is not, I would send him this autumn leaves shirt, which I have in the women’s version and love:
(image from Amazon.com)
After mentioning the t-shirt, I went to the grocery store. I came home with more things:
• individual packet of hot chocolate mix (William)
• individual Quaker instant oatmeal cups in apple walnut (one each)
• Nature Valley Lemon Poppy Seed Muffin Bars (William)
• Sunbelt granola bars in Pumpkin Spice and Apple Spice (William)
• bag of cashews and bag of maple-toasted pecans (Rob)
The nuts seemed like a good bet for Rob: he’s a vegetarian; he likes nuts and eats them as part of his meals; and one of the very few grocery items he requested before he went back to school was a giant bag of almonds. So I think/hope those will Be Treats (nuts are expensive; these kinds won’t be standard to him the way almonds are) and Show Love while still being useful to him and non-oppressive.
I wish I had pierced ears just so I had a reason to buy those ghost earrings!
And I looooooove the leaf lights!
Wish I had any useful ideas for Rob. Halloween/fall themed socks? A fall mug? A cheery candy-corn-colors scarf, if the kids live in places where scarves are necessary? Sigh. Practical things can be fun but there is a line.
Oh! My mother sent me a Halloween care package when I was in college that had two small stuffed bats and a small stuffed jack-o-lantern. Perhaps something along those lines could be fun for one or both kids? I still take them out each year as part of my Halloween “decor.”
Also, I completely empathize with the Rob quandary because I read very carefully what you said about him not wanting possessions and yet my brain just did not compute that. Instead it went straight to, Well, what about some possessions he *might* want? Which is… the wrong way to think about it.
I did the exact same thing! “He doesn’t want possessions…OOH, but what about xyz??”
So here’s something that may be applicable to the Rob situation. I recently did a deep dive into Enneagram personality types and as it so happens, type 5 is notorious for thinking/analyzing things to death (you’ve mentioned before that Rob can sometimes be perceived as argumentative when picking things apart.) AND ALSO they are minimalists at heart!!
I wonder if you were to research type 5s if you would find more similarities. Maybe this would give you some insight in how to show love to him without making him uncomfortable.
I looked up a summary of Type 5 and wowwwwwwww that sounds like him. Now I’m interested! I know I’ve seen books on Enneagrams at the library.
OMG do it do it do it! If you like personality tests, that is. I love the Enneagram and am always curious about other people’s types. Which can be unfortunate, when someone’s type is “not a person who likes personality tests,” such as my husband (I think he’s a 3. Not that typing other people is recommended.) Anyway I’m a 9w1 holla any other 9s out there!
Fellow 9 in the house! I just realized that’s also my username. How very 9 of me!!!!
If you like taking personality tests you might like watching funny youtube videos about the different personalities interacting? If so, google frank james mbti or enneagram. Disclaimer: I am in no way related to fj, he is just funny and somehow ridiculously wholesome. His videos during lockdown part 1 guest-starring his brother made early 2020 bearable.
Signed, 9xNine+INFP = most non-confrontational diplomatic dippy-hippie in la-la land 24/7
Can I just give you props for listening and trying to tailor your love gestures to the preferences of the child? My MIL just could not stop giving us PILES of clutter that stressed me out. Of course there is give and take in the differences, but being willing to adjust is a gift you are giving him!
Yes! Like Rachel, I just thought, “Swistle is going to be a great MIL someday.” You’re listening, that means the world.
I am a terrible gift receiver. I’m picky and I pretty much only want things too luxurious for me to buy myself—so fall colored socks would work, but only on the Bombas/Smartwool tier. Or fall stationery, if it were to my taste. Or beeswax candles, but not soy. Decor and apparel stresses me out because my taste is so particular, and I’m allergic to most treats. See, TERRIBLE. And I have several people who really like to show love through gifts, so I practice focusing on their lovingkindness and overlooking the gift, and hope no one asks me later where XYZ is now.
Have you read the Love Languages book? I feel like it’s been suggested before and think it really gives some insight as to how different people perceive giving and receiving affection. Rob’s love language is obviously NOT #3, Receiving Gifts. But perhaps it one of the other 4….
Have you considered tucking a gift card to a good vegetarian restaurant into Rob’s package? Not something he has to dust or snacks he won’t eat, but still says “I’m thinking of you”.
I was thinking about this, too! Possibly tucked into a small orange gift bag that said “Trick or Treat”
I suspect I’m a little like Rob. I love reading about the care packages you put together, but we live in a tiny space, don’t like wasting things, and every year at Christmas I practically have a breakdown figuring out what to do with all the random stocking stuffer stuff. I also really like to limit sweets because I have very little self control if they’re around, and eating sweets regularly triggers depression. Also alcohol. It is super frustrating, and just easier to cope with when the stuff isn’t around. But healthy food, that is treat-like because it is a bit beyond your normal food budget? Like delicious nuts? Amazing :) You’re a good mom for paying attention to what your kids want <3
Gum? Seems like gum is missing from your care package! Or dried fruit? Pumpkin seeds?
If he has roommates you can say the treats are for them.
Swistle, I love that you are tailoring the packages to your children’s preferences! I also agree with @Keryn Ross and @JD’s suggestions. My mother-in-law is definitely in the “I don’t need/want stuff” category. So for her, I try to think outside the box and send her things she can use or treats that she likes. Usually, it’s just a bunch of random, little things and she is always DELIGHTED.
Like most everyone else I got to the end of this thinking what a great mom! Now I am off to buy those lights. This is my first fall after moving from Texas to Colorado so fall leaves are Blowing My Mind currently. Thanks for the link!
I’m like Rob in that respect and if it helps to hear from this perspective, it’s not that the thought/effort is not appreciated – it very much is – but rather (for me) a problem of intense guilt about not really wanting a gift that someone close to you has gone to the effort of choosing and sending to you. Like the more thoughtful the gift, the worse I feel about knowing I’m probably not going to use/eat it. So well done for listening and adjusting! The nuts sounds like a great idea. The best treats from my point of view are a nicer version of things I’d buy for myself anyway.
I just did an enneagram test after reading the other comments and… I’m a 5. So there you go
I am similar to Rob in that I don’t like receiving physical gifts (it stresses me out and then goes straight to the trash). But how about a small Amazon gift card? They probably have Halloween themed ones now, although I didn’t look.
Sprouted pumpkin seeds for Rob!
We’re planning to send Noah most of our leftover Halloween candy, after Halloween. We also offered to buy him some Halloween decorations for his apartment, before Halloween, and he said he’d think about it.
If you are good at remembering you bought things a long time ago and where you put them (so NOT in my skillset) I’d buy those earrings and put them in Elizabeth’s first Halloween care package two years from now.
It is so much more fun for me to make care packages for girls! Might I suggest boxes or cups of macaroni & cheese, if Rob likes those? Gift cards aren’t very fun to buy but they seem to be very useful to my own young adults. And “The 5-Ingredient College Cookbook” from Amazon is a staple of every first care package I send to students who are in their first apartment.
If he doesn’t like stuff but you want to still get him physical gifts, how about stuff like a ream of paper, stamps for the rare occasion he may need to mail something, a roll of quarters, ten 1 dollar bills, post-its, highlighters, good pens and pencils, a deck of cards. Or for another holiday perhaps lean into his love of things that don’t make any clutter. Gift an audio version of a favorite book, make a playlist or recommend a playlist on a streaming music service.
Like others have said, I too have a MIL who likes to give lots of stocking stuffers and then multiply that by four people in the house and it’s just too much stuff. One thing I have finally learned is to ask for one thing I really want that is at least $100, because she is likely to get it. If I ask for nothing or for smaller things or for gift cards alone, I will get a $25 gift card and a lot of junk from Walmart or Amazon. Maybe it’s worth having that discussion before Christmas.
Wow, I’m impressed at the level of detail in these care packages! I recently sent a small one to the daughter of friends, and I included: a bag of chocolate Halloween candy, a bag of fun-size Skittles packs, homemade pumpkin cookies, a funny notepad, and a card game. I I like to go hard on a “you can be the fun room!” vibe.
One idea on the decor side: some of those fake candle tea lights that flicker very convincingly?
swistle will you be my mum! i’m joking (mostly)
If Rob likes macadamia nuts, the Kirkland signature ones from Costco are the best!
My mom used to send me boxes of chocolate bars in university, and while I couldn’t eat them all myself they were great for sharing – I got to seem very generous to my dorm-mates. Actually, I turned 49 this weekend and mom gave me a box with 5 chocolate bars in it, so I guess she hasn’t let go of that idea. Fortunately I now have kids to share with! :)
Speaking of people who don’t want gifts: my husband doesn’t just say he doesn’t want gifts – he says he wants no gifts, which is a bit more forceful. I generally pay for something big for the house and call it a “gift” (like this year our dishwasher died conveniently just before his birthday, and our microwave died conveniently the same weekend as my birthday), and still get him a couple of small/consumable things so the kids can give him something each. This year I bought him a small tub of his favourite ice cream and made homemade chocolate sauce and those went over well. My daughter made a mini BB8 Christmas ornament for him in her art class at school.