I’m bored! And lonely! Come over and eat brownies with me, and tell me your life story!

Or, I know: let’s play a game! It’s been a long time since we played A Year Ago Today, A Year From Now. Let’s do that!

A year ago I had a 7-week old, two 2-year-olds, a 6-year-old, and an 8-year-old. I was struggling to find a good birth control option, starting a running program, and trying to reduce clutter.

A year from now I’ll have a 2-year-old, two 4-year-olds, an 8-year-old, and a 10-year-old. I’ll have thrown the birthday party I’ve been saying Rob could have when he turned 10, which I’ve been dreading as it goes from “so far in the future, who cares what I promise?” to “OMG, I really have to follow through on that?”

I’ll probably still be battling clutter. I probably still won’t be exercising regularly. We’ll either have a second bathroom or be working on a second bathroom.

The biggest thing to me is, I wonder if/what we’ll have decided on the “sixth baby” issue? I wonder if I might even be pregnant a year from now? Or, the way these things happen so fast, might the sixth baby already be on the scene? It really does continually amaze me that someone not even pregnant one year can have a 3-month-old one single year later.

*******
Pay-it-Forward update:
Hello, Self is showing the giftie she got and starting a new contest.

Tonight is the end of the fast. It was a freaky experience, the whole thing. The novelty was interesting; it wasn’t as impossible as I’d expected (it was even a relief to not have to think endlessly about What to Eat Next); I have some new tools for eating less (boullion is yummy!); and for the first time in about two months I’m looking forward to my Monday weigh-in. Also: to breakfast. I bought some Raisin Bran Crunch, the beautiful love child of Frosted Flakes and Raisin Bran.

I think six days was my limit: this morning (the seventh) my muscles felt weak and weird, and I didn’t feel enthusiastic about the idea anymore. And Erica did TEN days, and she didn’t do any messing around with modifications like I did. Plus, tomorrow I’m going to be eating a pan of brownies with an experimental peppermint glaze, and Erica is going to be having surgery. So I’d say I got the way easier end of this, just sort of across the board.

Speaking of who gets it easier, I have been seeing some magazine headlines that are cheesing me off. US Weekly says “A-Rod’s Wife: Destroyed by Madonna.” People magazine says “Madonna’s Mess: Did She Bust Up A-Rod’s Marriage?” Do you know who is responsible for busting up A-Rod’s marriage, if he had an affair with Madonna? A-Rod. Certainly I can see why A-Rod’s wife would be pissed with Madonna—but if we’re talking about responsibility, A-Rod’s marriage contract is A-Rod’s responsibility, not Madonna’s.

Angelina Jolie is always getting that kind of crap, too, and I wonder why BRAD PITT doesn’t get 100% of that crap? Angelina Jolie didn’t make a binding legal and romantic contract with Jennifer Aniston, BRAD PITT did. Angelina Jolie didn’t leave Jennifer Aniston for someone else, BRAD PITT did. If we are wondering if anything Happened before the end of the marriage, the person who should be getting Eyes of Suspicion is the one bound by the terms of that marriage, namely BRAD PITT. Can I use their full names a few more times? ANGELINA JOLIE BRAD PITT JENNIFER ANISTON.

********
Pay-it-forward updates:

Cookiemonks is showing the giftie she got.

Blondie Speaks is showing the giftie she got, and starting a new contest.

We’re going to put a second bathroom in the house, down in our semi-finished basement. Problem: I need to clear at least two large utility shelf units just to TALK about putting a bathroom in.

Well. This is a struggle for an apocalyptic-minded, nostalgic, can’t-throw-away-stuffed-animals-because-it’s-too-sad, fully-prepared-for-every-contingency type. And about HALF of what we have is handmedown kid clothes, and those are staying: that’s MONEY we’re storing in those boxes.

So, the other half. It’s things like china we never use. Books from my childhood we never read and the kids aren’t interested in. Dolls and doll clothes I bought during the time we had to wait longer than expected for a third pregnancy and apparently I went a little crazy. Video tapes, some still in their plastic wrap. Childhood journals and papers and school report cards. “Heirlooms” Paul’s mother gave us (including a ratty, rotting hairbrush that was Paul’s pinehole father’s).

Some of it, I wish the entire world had a collective brain so that I could find the few people who are probably scouring antique stores and eBay right this second (well, or I guess a lot of shops are closed by now) looking for the stuff I have, and would love it and cherish it. But I can’t do that, even with the power of the Internet, because 99% of my responses would be antiques dealers pretending not to be antiques dealers.

Paul thinks I’m a little silly to care if someone else profits from something I don’t want and don’t want to sell. I don’t think it’s silly. To use an extreme and unfairly emotional example, if I wanted to donate food to hungry people, I wouldn’t want someone to intercept that food and SELL it to the hungry people. And in this case, I want to give my service-for-twelve (minus one teacup) to someone who would cherish the china—not to someone who will SELL it to the people who would cherish the china.

The clutter book I’m reading is just like “THROW IT OUT! Why let it take up valuable real estate?” And I see his point, but I don’t want to THROW OUT something someone else is pining for. So there, clutter book!

******
Pay-it-forward updates:

Our House is showing the giftie she got, and starting a new contest.

and the duck said… is showing the giftie she got.

I have a heart owie that there is no real Blogstle. I even spent a little time last night lying in bed trying to think of a way it would actually work. I came up with two ideas, both of which involve me being (1) a different/richer/assertive-er person, with (2) fewer children.

But it COULD happen, couldn’t it? Not the different/fewer thing, but Blogstle! I mean, THEORETICALLY? THEORETICALLY we could have blind pool boys and coolers of ice cream pints? There are no LAWS preventing us, at least. And no shortage of blind pool boys, obviously.

Well. At least we can enter contests:

Move Along – There’s Nothing to See Here is showing her giftie and posting a new, multi-winner PiF contest.

Honestly and Truly! is showing her giftie and posting new a PiF contest.

Righters’ Writings is showing her giftie and posting a new PiF contest.

Teacher Mom has a new contest up.

The Creamery is showing her giftie and posting a new PiF contest

My Very Last Nerve has a new contest up.

Mona and I have been wracking our brains: what can those of us who are NOT going to BlogHer do while everyone else is busy showing each other their cute outfits and talking about Promoting Their Brands? I was thinking of some sort of “All Eating, All the Time” weekend. We could call it This Little Piggy Stayed Home.

But I will still be fasting this weekend. I have stopped feeling sorry that I did not start the same day Erica did: 7 days is PLENTY of this.

Do you know, if I were designing Swistle’s Ideal Blogger Conference (Blogstle), I would want it to be a jean-and-tees event. Pajamas would be okay, too. Comfy shoes. Ponytails. Now entering the mascara-free zone.

Lots of food: big buffet tables of pizza and chicken and tacos and chips and these potatoes, a big freezer case of ice cream pints (container of spoons nearby), big pots of melted cheese and melted chocolate and pizza sauce for dipping. We’d skip the vegetables, even if we like them, so that no one could make anyone else feel bad by self-righteously eating nothing but a plate of produce and then claiming to be stuffed.

There would be no “early morning yoga” to sign up for, heavens no. There would be no early-morning ANYTHING to sign up for: if I have time away from the kids, I am SLEEPING IN. Things to sign up for would include:

• Breakfast in Bed (Served at 10:30 a.m.)
• Dessert in Bed (Served at 10:30 p.m.)
• Someone Else Doing Our Nails While We Sit in a Long Row and Talk
• Haircuts Without Having to Arrange Babysitting
• Seminar: Is This Fun or What?
• Seminar: Are You Tired of Hearing Yourself Called a Narcissist Because You Write Publicly? and Other Blogger Woes
• Debate: Pie, Yummy or Yucky? (Tastes Provided)
• Brownie Lesson: Bake a Batch or Just Sit Near Counter and Watch/Taste/Talk
• Debate: Fudge, With or Without Nuts? (Pound of Each Provided to Each Participant)
• Book Club Meeting: Everyone Lie Around With a Lightweight Book She Wants to Read, Reading Funny/Interesting Parts Aloud
• Fitness: Watch 1980s Fitness Videos and Make Snorting Sounds
• Lab: Try Every Single Sephora Philosophy Product Ever Made
• Hanging Around Talking

If you are interested in other events, please let me know and I’ll see if I can find an instructor.

One kid thing:

Me: Hey, you’ve got an owie!
Elizabeth: Well THAT much is clear!

And ONE husband thing, which is that Paul was singing, “There was a farmer had a dog and Bongo was his name-o…” and then he was “playing the bongos” on Elizabeth’s tummy, instead of doing the clapping sounds.

Oh, wait—one more husband thing:

Paul: What is that?
Me: Tea. With milk and honey.
Paul: And land?

Okay, and now I will show something that we can ALL enjoy: PET HUMOR!

[If you’re reading this from the future: I don’t know what used to be here, but apparently something that was deleted at its source.]

We have cats who have come THIS CLOSE to getting flung right through a second-floor window for doing basically that same routine (“basically” = “no baseball bat”) on me when I’ve been up most of the night with children.

*****

Day Two of the fast went fine. I was feeling hungrier, but perhaps it isn’t necessary for me to specifically say so. I had milky tea for breakfast and for lunch, a diet soda in the afternoon, and I had a cup of juice in the late afternoon when I was feeling tired and weird. After I ate dinner, I felt almost HIGH from eating. I actually said “Wooo!” I may have said it twice.

Here are the other participants, if you want to go see how they’re doing:

Chraycee of Walking on Sunshine
Julie of Miss Glass is Half Full
Stephanie of Seriously!?
MaryB of A Yankee’s Guide to Texas
Sarah of Redefining Perfect

and of course ERICA HERSELF, who is, I think, the only one of us doing this full-on rather than modified. Even with my major modifications (caffeine? sure! a chewable dinner? sure!) this is not exactly pleasurable, so I have been feeling EVEN SORRIER for Erica than I was before.

*****

Pay it Forward updates:

Mimi All Me received her PiF package from No Whey Mama. She’s posted a photo of the loot and also her new contest.

Bebellyboo is showing the giftie she got from Smiling Mama.

Wouldn’t it be funny to call this group fasting idea “Fast Friends”? OMG CHEEZY. BARF. Let’s not.

Here is Erica’s post giving the gist of the fast. It’s not a total starvation fast: it’s about 1000 calories a day. More of a “jump start for a stalled diet” kind of fast. It’s called a “fast,” but my guess is that this is more than celebrities generally eat. Of course, they are CRAZY and UNHEALTHY, but whatevs.

I’m making the modifications Erica suggested: I’m having liquids during the day, and then a meal at night. I’m going to have to take it easy with the coffee, though: I had it for breakfast and for lunch, and now I’m all ZZZZZZING!!! and also a little on the IRRITABLE side. I’m going to make some Crystal Light instead.

Anyway, here are the participants so far:

Me
Chraycee of Walking on Sunshine
Julie of Miss Glass is Half Full
Stephanie of Seriously!?
MaryB of A Yankee’s Guide to Texas
Sarah of Redefining Perfect

I have ALREADY screwed it up. I was at my mom’s house this morning and she was making cookies, and I ate two one without even thinking about it. It wasn’t like I thought, “Oooo, cookies! Screw this fasting thing!”—I just didn’t think of it at all. Then I was on my way home and I was thinking about lunch, and then I thought, “Oh, right—no lunch,” and then I was like “DAGNABBIT!!!!” as I suddenly realized about the cookies.

Well, pooh. I’m not in the habit of this yet, clearly. The temptation was, of course, to then say, “Well, I messed up THIS day!” and go ahead and eat, but that is the road to all kinds of weight issues (purging! drinking full-calorie Coke when you prefer the taste of diet! letting a doughnut in the morning lead to 3,000 additional calories because the day is “ruined”!), so I’m just going, “Okay, fine, that was a genuine mistake, and now let’s just continue with the plan.” (The plan, as you recall, is bitching and whining.)

*****

Pay-it-forward updates:

Clarabella has her new contest up.

Midwest Mom is showing the package she received and starting a new contest.

As you know, our Erica is doing a 10-day fast in preparation for surgery. Her post today made me feel a little crabby with her husband, who is being unsympathetic to the difficulty of this—and yet I notice he’s not exactly volunteering to join her for emotional support.

And I can’t BELIEVE I didn’t think of this earlier, but WE could join her for emotional support. We’ve already missed the first three days, which is too bad, and my “do it perfectly or not at all” personality resists even bothering: why start now, if it can’t be EXACTLY LIKE ERICA? How can we be supportive if we’re THREE DAYS BEHIND? But that is not the way things actually are, is it? It is possible to do things half-assed (or in this case, 7/10ths-assed) and still have it be worth doing, yes? And so I’m going to give this a try.

Erica has promised me (okay, I am making that up, but I plan to EXTRACT a promise) that she will do a post about what is allowed on her fast: it’s not a literal “no calories” fast (it’s something like 800 calories/day), so we will not actually be starving to death. And when that post is up, I’ll link to it.

In the meantime, I’m going to start first thing tomorrow (Monday) morning. It is FULLY POSSIBLE that within 10 minutes of The Start there will be a fudgesicle in one hand and a muffin in the other, but it is my intention to suffer mightily and bitch about it, here and on Twitter, because Erica is making it look like so much fun.

I feel as if I should issue some sort of disclaimer here. I mean, what Erica is doing is medically-supervised and medically-approved. What anyone joining in would be doing is flinging themselves into the unknown. A lot of us are not going to be ABLE to participate in this even if we want to. If your health is shaky, or if you’ve struggled with an eating disorder, or if you’re pregnant or nursing, or if you have a health issue, or if you exercise a lot, or if you’re very thin, or if you’re not supposed to screw around with what you eat for any other reason, you can still offer emotional support without actually fasting. You can do this by cheerleading from the sidelines, and by refraining from waving your food at the participants.

If you DO decide to fast, email me (swistle at gmail dot com) so I can make a link list of people who are going to be joining in on the suffering and bitching.

I was making toast. I made the first batch. I put in the second batch—and the lever wouldn’t stay down. I jiggled the handle for awhile, checked to make sure the toaster hadn’t somehow come unplugged, etc. etc. BORING, and then finally looked inside the toaster, where I saw a weird gooey green thing. After unplugging the toaster and messing around with the pliers, I extracted the not-actually-gooey green thing, and figured out what it was: a green plastic baby spoon, melted around the heating element.

SOMEONE (I’m looking in the 3-year-old department) must have put or dropped a plastic spoon into the toaster at some point. Then I made toast, and the spoon melted. The toast popped up and the melted plastic went solid again, jamming the toaster.

(Non-melted spoon, for comparison)

Problem: Toaster not working.
Diagnosis: CHILDREN.

*****

My Life has her new pay-it-forward up.

Laura won the contest over at The True Adventures of Axel and Outlaw, and now Laura’s posted her own—as well as photos of the package she received.