S. writes:

I’m hoping you can help us out. After thinking we were all set, serious doubt has set in with only 2 weeks to go and we are in need of advice. My husband and I decided not to discuss baby names with friends and family as we want to choose a name we like and everyone has an opinion and we do not feel the need (and I don’t have the energy) to explain/defend names to everyone. But now here’s where we stand:

My husband and I are having our first child, a girl, in mid-June. After going through long lists of names we feel like we have it narrowed down to two.

My last name is begins with an S and rhymes with Parks and my husband’s last name also begins with S and rhymes with Leevens. We would like for baby to take my last name as her middle name and her dad’s last name as her surname. We won’t do this for every child necessarily, but who knows if we’ll have more than 1 (although we’d like 2 or 3) and so we wanted to get my name in there on the first one.

It actually took us about a week of thinking of baby names to figure out that all the cute A names we like are definitely out! The ones we liked the most were Alexandra (Alex) and Ava.

The two first names that we are considering happen to be S names. That will make baby’s initials SSS and that there will be a lot of S sounds in her name, but I think that’s ok for us.

The two first names we like are Scarlett and Sofia. Here’s the case (as we see it) for each:

Sofia is not only my well-loved, legendary great-grandmother’s name but also a derivative of the name of one of my dearest childhood friends, so it has lots of good feelings associated with it for me. My husband very much likes the name too. Although I know Sofia is enormously popular in the US, we live overseas and are unlikely to return to the US anytime soon. Also my name is quite popular (it was in the top 15 on the social security names list for 20 years – five years before to fifteen years after my birth) among my age group and it hasn’t bothered me all that much.

It is quite possible we’d end up living in Europe at some point in the next decade and it would be nice to have a name that works well in most European languages – which Sofia does. Also Sofia would be easy to say in the SE Asian language of the country where we are currently living – although we do not plan on living here permanently so I do not want this to be the defining factor. This name feels ‘safe’ to me as we have a solid family connection to it and it’s easy to form cute nicknames and it seems to work in other languages.

Scarlett is more daring for us. We both very much like the name and have strong positive feelings towards the name Scarlett – mine for the heroine in Gone with the Wind, my husband because a family that he is very close with has a Scarlett. The name feels bold and a bit different but still familiar. Also my favorite tree is currently in bloom and will be when baby’s born and the flowers are a deep red color.

Negatives for Scarlett include not finding a nn that we like: Lettie, Letta, Carly, Scout, Scar, Scarly, Scarletta, Scassy, Sassy, Star don’t appeal to us. Also it would be really hard to say in the local language, again this wouldn’t be the defining factor in choosing or not choosing the name, but it does mean that a nn would need to be used and it would not be able to have the ‘sc’ letter combination which is unpronounceable here.

If we were in an English speaking country or somewhere that the full name could be pronounced (most of Europe) then I would just use her full name and it would be fine not to have a nickname. Unless the nn from here somehow stuck!

Other short-listed names that we considered were Madeleine, Eve, Catherine, and Lucy. We just kept coming back to Sofia and Scarlett.

If you think the triple S combo (with Ss on the end of the last two names to boot) is just too much, please feel free to suggest other names.

Thanks!

 
For first-time parents, unless they have specified that they’re planning only one child, I have the same advice every time: make your job HARDER now, in order to make it EASIER later.

That is, even though right now it feels so hard to choose even ONE name, this is the time to think ahead to future names as well. If you choose Sofia now, what does that mean for your future children’s names? What if you choose Scarlett? The two names are of very different styles, and it would be helpful to try to figure out which style is more yours.

Also, using a triple initial such as SSS is such a distinctive and noticeable move, will it make you feel locked into doing the same for each subsequent child?

A note on popularity: the spellings Sofia and Sophia combined are given to almost exactly the same percentage of baby girls as were given your first name the year you were born—even though together they rank much higher than your name did. But the name Scarlett is racing to catch up:

(screenshot from SSA.gov)

Look at that! Not even in the Top 1000 until 1992, and since then it’s gone almost to the Top 100! Look particularly at what it’s done since 2003: from 1992 through 2003 it dawdled around in the Very Uncommon ranks and was still a pretty startling choice—but in 2004 it started leaping. I’d expect it to be in the Top 100 when the 2011 rankings come out—though I don’t expect it to go quite as high as Sofia/Sophia.

BUT, all this is just chatting, because in reading your email several times, I think the name you prefer is Sofia. You love the name Scarlett, too, and I think you find it a more exciting choice than the name Sofia—but if I look over your pros and cons for each name, Sofia clearly wins: more pros, fewer cons. Your connections to the name Sofia are strong and meaningful and timeless (a dearly loved grandmother; a dearly loved friend); connections to the name Scarlett are weaker and less meaningful (another family’s child; a character in a book; the color of a plant). Sofia works as an all-over-the-world name; Scarlett doesn’t. You don’t like any of the nicknames for Scarlett, yet would need to have one. The other names on your shortlist (Lucy, Madeline, Eve, Catherine) are mostly of the style of Sofia, not the style of Scarlett.

Thinking ahead to future children, perhaps this daughter could be Sofia _parks _eevens, and the next, if there is a next, something like Lucy Scarlett _eevens: you could still use the name Scarlett, but in the middle name slot where it beautifully parallels a sassy name like _parks, but also where its daringness won’t make it difficult to find sibling names that don’t clash with it.

If it weren’t getting over-the-top, I would suggest using your surname as a second middle name for all the children (which I can say from experience is less hassle than I’d thought), so that you can use BOTH names for this baby: Sofia Scarlett _parks _eevens. This lets you give each child your surname too, but without giving up the fun of choosing a middle name. But the SSSS! Well, I do still think it’s a viable option: having four S’s in a row is indeed a lot of S’s—but when we’re starting at three S’s already, it’s not as big a leap.

But: now that you have read my opinion, how do you feel? Do you think “Whew, yes, Sofia it is!”—or are you thinking, “Oh! Noooooooo! I WANT TO USE SCARLETT!!” This can be a very important decision-making tool: seeing how you feel when the decision seems to be going one way or the other. Using EITHER name will mean giving up the other, so there will be a feeling of loss and regret either way—but in one direction there may be a stronger, more desperate feeling. (For more on this, see also Baby Naming Issue: How to Decide Between Two Finalists.)

I wonder if it would be helpful or unhelpful to have a Sofia/Scarlett poll, over to the right, for doing some of the exercises in that post on deciding between two finalists? Yes, let’s do that. [Poll closed; see results below.]

Name update! S. writes:

Thanks so very much for your suggestions and everyone’s comments. They really helped us a lot. We had so much fun announcing baby SSS’s name to our family – Sofia! She was born healthy and happy in June.

Thanks again!

[I posted both the longer version and the shorter version of this question because (1) I think the longer version includes some important considerations and (2) I love the long version so much. But if you want to scroll down until you see “and” at the left side of the column, you’ll still have enough info to vote.]

Sara writes:

Ok, I totally left this until too late and then I see your post about being overwhelmed with letters and I’m terrified you won’t answer mine. I’ve actually written this letter four times, once before we knew the sex, once after, and again after I got a copy of The Baby Name Wizard. And now I’m scrapping all of those and starting over because they keep getting ridiculously long. Our last name is long and Italian and kind of sounds like Provolone (the cheese) but starts with an M.

Older daughter is Juliette Elizabeth. Juliette came out of nowhere with about 15 weeks to go last time. We love that it is familiar and yet uncommon (so far). Elizabeth is after my husband’s mother, who passed away when he was a teenager, but it is also my middle name after an aunt and my grandmother. She gets also gets called Julie, Jules, Jemma (her initials) and Etta by various family members. None of that bothers us. Also, I love her name, but you know how some people write in updates and say that the name they picked it “totally my baby”? I don’t feel that way. I don’t have any name regret, but I could easily picture Jules being a Piper or Paisley or Lucy or whatever. (I also never found THE wedding dress, but liked my dress just fine, so perhaps I am not the sort of person finds THE name/dress/perfect piece of art for the wall?)

Husband is not a classic veto-er (yay!) and will suggest names. He is kind of stuck on Cecelia right now though and the thought of having a Simon & Garfunkel song stuck in my head for the next 40 or 50 years is making me want to shoot something. Also, he doesn’t think the kids names need to “match” or sound good together at all. He says they are all individual people and it doesn’t matter in the long run. I am more of the view that these children are our lives’ work and I want their names to coordinate.

A few notes before I get into a list. I really want to honor my mom with this little girl’s middle name. Mom’s name is Rosalie and she has no middle name, which doesn’t leave a lot of wiggle room. People have suggested using just Rose, but mom doesn’t go by Rose so it doesn’t seem very honorific. Her mom’s name was Giustina and I *think* that if we used that instead my mom would get that we were honoring her that way, but also she has six older sisters and one of their names is Giustina (although she goes by Judy). I happen to be close to that aunt and I am close to my Aunt Elizabeth that Juliette (inadvertently) has the name of, so I don’t want to unintentionally offend or leave out my mom. Plus we are very close and I can’t imagine honoring someone “over” her. My other aunts (both sides) are Josephine, Anna, Micheline, Antonette, Nancy, Claire, Mona and Janet. Husband’s grandmothers are Mahala and Victoria. My husband isn’t crazy about Rosalie or Giustina, but he is fine with using either. Second note, this is kind of random. I’m pretty sure we aren’t done yet, and if we have a third girl her name would probably be Molly Victoria or Molly Vita. Molly was our pick for the “what-would-we-name-kids” game before we were married. If the third is a girl I think it would be sweet if she had my husband’s initials because we will probably be done. This second one would be Molly, but Molly Rosalie doesn’t sound good (too much LEE sound) and we always imagined Molly as our youngest. Our boy name for both pregnancies has been Noah James. Could change, but so far we still love it.

Off-limit names because of nieces/friends/dibs/my darn sMIL keeps using human names on her pets are: Hannah, Bailey, Nora, Riley, Caroline, Madison, Savannah, Fiona, Madeleine, Zoe, Genevieve, Lily, Bella, Olivia, Gretchen.

So I guess my question is what in the heck do you pair with Juliette? This is something we didn’t consider when we named her (and darn it, I found you like a month later, or I would have known better!). Or better yet, how do I bridge Juliette with Molly or Noah? All the usual caveats, not too popular (Juliette was 450 when we picked it), although we know Molly and Noah are significantly more popular, no random spellings, husband wants nickname(s). When we think of Juliette, we seem to drift towards the Why Not?, then Timeless list of the BNW instead of the Shakespeare list. Plus Rosalie is already close to Rosaline, Romeo’s first love, so since we are not actually Shakespeare freaks I don’t want to get too far into that territory. I should also tell you that I have the 2005 version of BNW because I am too cheap to buy a new one and my library’s copy is apparently outdated. We have eliminated almost every name on our “list,” for various reasons, but I’ll put some here, just in case:

Names that have caught our eye(s?):

Gabrielle (Gabriella depending on middle name?). For a long time I thought this was the name just because of the way it feels with Juliette’s name. I like the name, but don’t love it and my husband doesn’t like the Guh sound at the beginning. I don’t like chopping the “Ga” off and going with Brielle – reminds me of Rielle Hunter and because of that feels trashy to me. It seems to be in the 30s which is significantly more popular than Juliette. We are ok with Brie or Elle/a as nicknames, but aren’t crazy about Gabby. My problem here is I like the name, but it doesn’t pass your “it feels like MY baby” test. It’s like I want my favorite niece to be named Gabrielle.

Penelope – another front runner for a while, also doesn’t pass the MY baby test (I want my best friend to name her baby Penelope :). Cannot stand Penny as a nickname. Husband puts this on the list then takes it off again…would be a little out there for our families. But I can’t get Penelope Jane out of my head for some reason (Jane?!? Where the heck did that come from?).

Beatrice/Beatrix and Camilla – I kind of think these go with daughter’s name, but husband hasn’t come around to this one yet, and doesn’t like Bea or Trix/ie or Milly/Milla. Also, don’t like BM initials. Plus my British grandmother would kill me if I named the baby after Prince Charles’s paramour.

Annabel/Mirabel – I thought one of these was it for awhile, but hubby thinks they sound like cows.

Mira/Mia – This was our “decoy” name with Juliet and we got a lot of negative feedback on it. I, however, am a fan of the double initial. Which leads me to Madeleine – super popular and dibbed on by one of our friends, but again I think if we had a “but this is the ONE” conversation she would be ok with it (no kids on the horizon for her). But then we might have two babies with M initials. I think I’m ok with that, but haven’t really thought it out.

Aurelia – husband’s childhood friend’s name who committed suicide, this one is a no-no.

I’m not a fan of Luciana/Lucia or Madalena/Magdalena that often get suggested. I have Carina, Francesca, Mariela, Valentina on my list pulled from some of your previous posts and comments on Italian-ish names, but none of them really jump at me.

Husband put Daphne, Willow and Marion on the list last week. Don’t like any of those. Also, he loves just plain Mary. I know you’ve said it’s fresh on the little girls you’ve heard it on, but I’m not there yet. He wouldn’t consider any name like Mariela with a nn of Mary to be the same thing. My little secret plain name is Annie. He doesn’t like it either.

My mom likes Adrianna and my dad is pushing for Jacqueline (he thinks Julie and Jackie would be cute), but neither of them get a say :).

Great jeebus that was still long. Sorry, I guess I felt I had to tell you every thought in my crazy pregnant brain. I know, I am imposing too many rules, so please help me distill all this. Any thoughts from you and your readers on these names or please, tell me you’ve thought of the perfect name I haven’t found yet! Our due date is coming up way fast and we are going around in circles! Thank you!

and

I wrote you a ridiculously too long email a few weeks ago right when you started posting the “too many emails” messages (Baby Girl “Provolone”. I am delivering on Monday, but we’ve narrowed down our choices to three, so I thought I would send this just in case you could throw it up over the weekend for your readers to work on or do a quick poll.

Big sister is Juliette Elizabeth. Juliette because we like it (and now really, really love it), Elizabeth after my husband’s late mother. Goes by Juliette, Jules or Julie.
Four syllable Italian last name that starts with M. Possibly one or two more kids on the table.
Our choices as of now:

* Gabrielle Rosalia – Gabrielle because we think it sounds good with Juliette, Rosalia after my mom. We are just ok with Gabby nickname, like Brie or Ella. Do not like GRM initials, but could deal with it.

* Penelope Jane – Love Penelope, all of our friends our age love Penelope, everyone in our parents generation hates it. Jane because it sounds so darn cute with Penelope, but really having hard time with non-family middle name. HATE HATE HATE nickname Penny. If nicknamed would probably call her Poppy or Nella or PJ.

* Molly Victoria – Both have loved the name Molly since our dating years. If third is girl will definitely go with this. MVM would give her dad’s initials, which I like in case she is our last, Victoria is his maternal grandmother’s name. I know some people hate the double initial, but we love it. Why haven’t we used it yet? Molly always “felt” like our youngest, plus wanted to honor our mom’s with middle names – Molly Elizabeth seemed boring, Molly Rosalie is too rhyme-y.

Any help at all would be appreciated, I am a ball of anxiety and nerves getting through the holiday weekend until we are scheduled. Thanks!

Let’s have a poll, over to the right! I’m voting for Penelope because (1) it sounds like you love it best (and that it’s not time yet to use Molly), and (2) because I think in about five minutes all your previous generation relatives will not be able to believe they didn’t like it, and in fact will be correcting your memory that they didn’t. The previous generation CLASSICALLY doesn’t like the current generation’s baby name choices (see also: Henry, Oliver), but they always come around—or else they use it to bond with their like-minded friends.

It is too bad we can’t get Rose from your mom’s name, because wouldn’t Penelope Rose be THE SWEETEST?? I do like Penelope Giustina. And Penelope Rosalie has a little rhyminess, but it sounds like it’s more important to you to honor your mother and to be sure you have a chance to do it; I think if I were you I would go with that. The more I say it, the more I think I LIKE the rhyminess. It’s fun to say: Penelope Rosalie. And it LOOKS pretty, with the matching Os and Es and Ls. And I know this is a minor point, but I like the way the length of Penelope Rosalie goes with the length of Juliette Elizabeth.

Okay, I’m going to make the poll first names only so we can still discuss the middle name. [Poll closed; see results below.] I vote for Penelope Rosalie, because I have totally talked myself into it while writing the previous paragraph and now I love it and want to PUSH you to use it. Penelope Jane is ADORBS but I think of Jane as the natural middle name for Penelope (it has a coordinating English sass/charm)—i.e., I suspect quite a few girls named Penelope will have that as their middle name. (See? Now I am inventing facts to talk you into it. I will stop this now.) (PENELOPE ROSALIE.)

Name update! Sara writes:

Ok, you just posted a billion name updates and I get eaten up with guilt everytime I see one. I have at least four drafts of this email in my Drafts folder, wanting to tell you every little thought about our daughter’s name. So I am hurling this off of my list of things to do and will try not to regret the things I forget to tell you. Congratulations, you moved ahead of “complete any sort of baby book” :). Anyway, flip your calendar waaaaaaaaaaay back to this time of year two years ago. We did indeed name our baby Penelope Rosalie. Honestly, I didn’t even think of this as a viable combo until you and your readers supported it. Definitely a Swistle-named baby success! I’ll try not to waste ink on the billion thoughts I wanted to share with your readers and instead put it in short list form. 1. So glad we didn’t go with Gabrielle. Totally not her name. 2. Still not sure if the name Penelope is perfect, but we do love it (and of course we love her!). 3. We’ve tried dozens of different options, but no nicknames have stuck (I do call her Pen or Pips in print though for typing purposes). Her sister has moved through E-O-P to Nellopie to Penny to Pen to Penelope over the course of two years. EVERYONE insists on trying to nickname her and everyone always circles back to Penelope. 4. I was so disappointed that my mother found out Pen’s middle name after overhearing us tell the hearing test person at the hospital. She was so touched, but the moment was a bit anticlimactic. 5. I’m glad we used my mom’s actual name, but we do call her Penelope Rose a lot. 6. There are some in our families that don’t like it, one even persists in “accidentally” calling her Pinocchio sometimes (grrrr) and my grandma has asked permission to call her Penny. I don’t really care about any of that. 7. So, so, so mad at Kourtney Kardashian. But at least we have Tina Fey. 8. We get a lot of positive responses from Random People in public about her name. As a small apology for my extreme tardiness I included not one, but two crappy cell phone pics (hey, she is a second child. At least pictures are being taken somehow). One is of her at a few weeks and the other is Penelope as toddler. She is definitely feisty and in charge at our house. Hmm, you got a novel anyway. Just can’t help myself. So thank you and your readers for your assistance and all of the enjoyable reading!

Maggie writes:

We are Maggie and Alonzo Lestrade and are expecting our third and final child, a boy, on June 1. We have two children, a boy, John “Jack” Colton, and a girl, Rachel Aurelia. The first name will be a family name and the middle name will just be one we both like. The family name is the first name because although I share my middle name with my grandmother, I have never felt any particular connection to the name, or to her so if we name our children after relatives, I definitely want them to feel a strong connection to that relative and feel that putting the family name as their first name will ensure that. Because I lobbied so hard for that, I gave up naming rights for our first two children. We have the name Harlow Wyatt or Harlow Ethan picked out. Harlow is my maiden name and as I will be the only one of my siblings to have children, I definitely want to pass it on. We have had this name picked out for a child since we got married and we like it very much. However, recently a friend confessed to me that seeing Harlow reminds her of the word harlot. No one has ever said that to me before and I did carry the name around for I was horrified. I’m in a complete panic about whether or not to keep the name. Alonzo insists it’s fine and I admit, I did have to Google “harlot” to find out what it means. Are we crazy to still be considering naming our child Harlow if it reminds people of harlot? No one else I’ve asked has seen that connection. I’d like to know if most people are reminded of harlot when they see/hear Harlow. My husband and I have looked into using a similar name but have rejected Harley, Harper, Marlow, and Arlo. We don’t like any of those names and I don’t feel an emotional connection to any of them. If we don’t pick Harlow, I don’t know what else to do. There aren’t any male relatives in my family whom I’m interested in naming a child after.

Several elements of this question are making it difficult to answer:

(1) If this is a name you have both liked, and have had picked out for a child since you got married, and you in particular had a strong motivation to definitely use it, how did it get to the third and final child before being used?

(2) In what way did your adamant stance on the first name being a family name lead to you losing all say in your first two children’s names? And were your first two children given family names as their first names?

(3) How does the concept of “feeling a strong connection to a relative” apply when the name being used isn’t the name of one single relative but of an entire branch of a family tree?

Harlow does not make me think of the word harlot. I don’t even think of it now that it’s been pointed out. Let’s have a poll over to the right, to get an approximate feeling for what percentage of the population your friend represents. [Poll closed; see results below.]

The main issue with the name Harlow, for me, is that it is used primarily as a girl name: in 2010, according to the Social Security Administration, 349 new baby girls were named Harlow (and another 26 named Harlowe), but only 21 baby boys. It’s too soon to call it (it’s rising for both girls and boys), but my own prediction is that the name is going to the girls.

Another issue to consider is that I don’t think it DOES guarantee a strong family connection to use the name as a first name: some people feel strongly connected to their namesakes and some don’t. If you felt no particular connection to your grandmother, do you think that relationship would have been dramatically changed if her name had been your first name instead of your middle?

I suggest using your maiden name as his middle name: it will not matter so much if the name ends up being a “girl name,” and I don’t think having it in the first name slot will automatically create strong relationships with everyone on that side of the family. I suggest naming him Ethan Harlow or Wyatt Harlow: both names go well with Jack, though I think Ethan is better with Rachel.

But if you DO use it as his first name, I suspect it will NOT make most people think of harlots, and also he can say “It’s my mother’s maiden name,” which I’ve found is the sort of explanation that makes people back WAY UP on any objections they might otherwise have about a name.

Poll results for “Does the name Harlow make you think of the word Harlot?” (417 votes total):

Yes: 16%
No: 71%
It DIDN’T, but from now on it will: 13%

Name update! Maggie writes:

Our son Ethan Harlow Lestrade was born on May 30. Eventually we decided that no matter how masculine the name sounds to us, we don’t want him being mistaken for a girl his entire life. Thanks so much to Swistle and everyone else who commented!

A. writes:

My husband and I have been talking about baby names the entire pregnancy and have only been able to narrow down to a few for each gender. I’m just so unsure! People say we will just know when the baby is born what the name should be, but I think all babies look alike–smooshed and wrinkly. :)

I like fairly uncommon names. Our last name is Lin; therefore, I think the first name needs to be more than one syllable to avoid sounding like the first and last name run together to make one name. (If it can’t be shortened to a one-syallable nickname–even better!) I also don’t like the first name to end in -on, -en, -in, or -yn. The -in -in sound with our last name bothers me. What do you think?

We’ve narrowed it to:

Boys:

Dexter (I worry about the television show; we don’t watch it, but I think it’s popular? Also, the Dex commercials. “Dex knows best!” I don’t want people to think of a phone book when they think of our child.)

Paxton (My husband’s pick. I don’t like the -on sound though. Also, I think Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s child is Pax. Especially because our child will be half-Asian, I don’t want to seem as if we’re trying to be like celebrities.)

Beckett (I like it, but am worried about its increasing popularity.)

Girls:

Eisley (I like this name a lot, but worry people will mispronounce it a lot. Eyes-ly.)

Gemma (Will people confuse with Jenna? I kind of dislike the name Jenna!)

Ruby (I love this, but my husband thinks its an old lady name.)

Favorites from these? The middle boy name will either be Harrison or Jeffry (depending on the first name). And, the girl middle name will be Lorraine after my mother and grandmother.

Any other suggestions for names? I don’t think we feel so confident about any of these names that we still wouldn’t choose a different name at this point!

Thank you so much!

Name update! A. writes:

Gemma Lorraine Lin arrived on 5/29 after 31 hours of labor. My husband and I were convinced she was a he right up until she was born. Right before I was ready to push we were trying to decide what to name our boy. After seeing me labor naturally for 21 of the hours, my husband wanted me to name him. Well, we didn;t need to choose! She surprised both of us! We were pretty set on Gemma and everyone’s comments here solidified our choice for us. Thank you!