Dear Swistle:
Do you think names can be haunted — or at least have good vibes/bad vibes?When I was pregnant with my daughter, Margot, I brought up Arthur as a possible boy name with my husband. He vetoed it without giving it much thought, and we selected another boy option at the time (which I no longer like).
However, since we had our daughter, Arthur just keeps coming up for me as a solid boy name (we are not pregnant now but hope to be soon). Part of it is that I’ve been having trouble coming up with boy name that compliments Margot’s sound and feel as well as I think Arthur does.
I always joke about Arthur when we discuss names casually, and my husband has not outright vetoed it this time around, so I keep bringing it up. I will say I’m not 100% sold on it, just like it very much and can’t think of a better option.
Then, open to other possibilities, I decided to go through some family genealogy records, and was looking through the names of my grandma’s siblings (12 of them). I was not familiar with all of them because many of them were born in Italy and were much older than my grandmother, who was born in the U.S. and was among the youngest in her family.
Well, I was shocked to see that my grandmother had not one but TWO brothers named Arthur, both who died young. One died as a young child in Italy and another died in infancy in the U.S. I never remember her talking about them, because they died before she was born. I don’t know the circumstances surrounding these deaths, other than the knowledge that infant mortality was common at that time.
My first instinct was that I could not use the name, because it means the name somehow has “bad vibes” — or might doom a new child to a negative outcome. But I brought it up to my husband and a good friend, and they both said, this is more reason to use it! This name is trying to be used, it has more meaning now, etc. Another friend, however, said, no, no, no! She couldn’t use it, and I feel that way sometimes, too.
So now I am left with a husband who is more open than ever to this name I’ve been lobbying for, but I’m unsure myself. I will say this grandmother was particularly special to me, and her mother’s name (Margarita) was a partial inspiration for Margot (or more like an affirmation that this was indeed the right name).
Grandma’s name was Edna, which I just couldn’t get myself to love enough to use, but I have thought of Ed-variations for boys that have some similar qualities to Arthur, like Edwin. But my husband’s last name (which we will use) is a two syllable name that ends in -en, so I tend not to like a lot of boy first names that share this pattern. I don’t know why, but I’m not into Edward. Maybe just too familiar.
What are your thoughts? Is this family tree a “sign” that I should use Arthur — especially since I keep coming back to this in my mind the last several years? Or a sign that it’s time to move on? I know many people use the names of deceased relatives, but this feels a little different.
If suggesting alternatives, I’ll just note that I love more vintage/literary/romantic sounding names. Hubby is open to lots of styles, but seems to like clean, but snappy sounding names, with a more modern-leaning feel. I think we hit the right balance with Margot – and maybe Arthur too?
We like Everett for a middle name, even though it is trendy, as this is in his family history and I think it goes really well with Arthur. Arthur Everett – en.
Short answer: no, I don’t think a name can be haunted.
A name certainly can develop bad associations for a particular person. If I date a terrible person and he leaves me needing extensive therapy, probably his name is always going to give me an unpleasant feeling even if I encounter it on someone else who is a completely nice and excellent human being. And when people write in and say, “Can I use this name even though it’s the name of my estranged relative who did some terrible thing that scarred the entire family?,” I advise against it: I don’t like the idea of giving a name to a child KNOWING other people will shudder about it.
But that is not what we’re dealing with here. Thinking of a few people in my own family tree who had sad/premature deaths (a great-aunt who died as a teenager of a sudden illness; another great-aunt who died as a child of an illness that is now preventable with a vaccine; an uncle who died in infancy; a great-grandmother who died in her forties during a routine surgery), I find their names very usable—and in fact, as your husband does, I feel it makes the names MORE usable. Thinking on it further, I’d say this: death in itself, even early/sad death, may increase the reason/motivation to use the name; it’s the person’s actions while alive that can be a dealbreaker.
I admit it gives me pause to hear that TWO brothers named Arthur both died. I think that mix of unusual elements might be what gives it that hint of fairy tales and curses. Is it the same for you? That is, if your grandmother had lost one brother named Arthur, would you feel less uncomfortable? And yet I still don’t believe a name can be haunted, or that the fates of two other users of this name would affect your child’s own fate.
I think in the end it’s going to boil down to individual, subjective feelings, and in this case I mean yours and your husband’s: everyone else might have brief feelings or reactions, but likely nothing with a deep-down lifelong impact. Your husband feels positively about using the name, so now we turn to you. Do you find that you are trying to talk yourself INTO the name, or OUT OF the name? Do you find yourself hoping we’ll say not to use it, or hoping we’ll dismiss the concerns? Do you find that you are TRYING to feel uncomfortable about it (i.e., feeling as if it OUGHT to bother you), or do you find that you are trying NOT to and yet still having trouble shaking it? When you think of the name, do you get an automatic little rush of happiness, or an automatic little shudder?
If you find you are trying to reason your way out of being bothered about it but you still ARE bothered, then it may be that this name is just not going to work. If instead you are persisting in liking the name but worry that it ought to feel weird or that it might BE weird, then I say brush off those concerns and use the name. I think it’s sweet to honor those relatives and to keep the name in the family tree.
To sum up: I do think a name can give particular people an unpleasant feeling because of associations they have with that name, but I do not think a name can be in itself some sort of bad-luck charm, or that a name could doom a child to a bad end. Nor do I think finding deaths in a family tree is a sign that you SHOULD use the name, or that the name itself is trying to make you use it. I think in the vast majority of cases, choosing a baby name is an activity devoid of supernatural influences or effects.
In this case, where you have plenty of time, I’d advise leaving Arthur on the list for now and seeing how you feel about it as time goes on and as other name candidates are considered. From my own point of view, it is certainly okay to use the name, and in fact appealing—but what will matter is how you personally feel about it.
Name update:
Dear Swistle:
I am the person who originally posted, “Can a name be haunted?” while considering names for a future baby boy. Well, I am now pregnant with an actual baby boy (due in Dec) and wanted to share an update (and get some final feedback?).When we learned we were pregnant with a boy, we spent a few months looking through a ton of name possibilities, but have kept coming back to Arthur. I definitely think it’s The Name and my hubby has come fully around to it too. It’s funny because now that I’m considering it for real, I am not worried about negative connotations and it doesn’t feel spooky at all! It just feels right.
One of the things that helped me come around was one of your readers sharing that in Jewish tradition, the meaning of the middle name could help offset a first name associated with a deceased individual. For whatever reason, this helped me feel “in control” of the meaning of the name as a whole.
Another reader had suggested Wells as a good first name match with Margot, but at the time, I didn’t love the name on its own merits (or as a first name) and didn’t make much of the comments.
Recently, as I dug into the middle name options a bit more (and re-read the post on your blog), it struck me that Wells = the initials of all of this baby’s great grandfathers (Wilbur, Elmer, Lyle and Stanley)! What!? And the connotation with well-being, spring/stream (of life?) has made it seem almost too perfect for this particular situation. It also works really well with our last name.
I just wanted to share because I was really struggling with boy names for a long time and had so many other options for girl names that made me much more excited. I never thought I’d get to “love” with a boy name and second child, but here we are!
We are reserving space to change our minds if the name just doesn’t seem right for the little guy, but Arthur Wells is the tentative plan.
Thanks so much for the part you played in helping us sort this out!
