Good morning Swistle!
My husband and I are expecting our first baby in September. We would like to keep the name a secret… Unwanted advice is on the top 5 pregnancy annoyances and I’m not ready to cause confrontation.
Instead of saying ” we haven’t decided yet or are unsure” for the next 6 months, I thought of casually mentioning some decoy names. (Can you really say you aren’t sure at 39 weeks without getting more advice bout baby preparedness?) Saying we aren’t sharing might come across as rude. I’m thinking it can be casual as in ” we kinda like blah blah but aren’t really sure”
Good idea? Bad idea? Good example baby decoy names?
I know this sounds like a Cop-out but the questions are coming in Full force and I’m not ready to share.Thank you so much
Ah! Yes! It’s one thing to say “Just don’t TELL anyone,” and quite another to deal with the constant, constant questions. I found that the only way I could manage it was by saying, “We’re keeping the name a surprise!” It didn’t feel rude to say it that way, and it makes the situation clear. Another way to soften the answer is to say that you’re waiting until the baby is born, to make sure the name fits before you announce it, and/or just in case you change your minds right at the last minute.
If you don’t mind discussing names and just don’t want to reveal the final choices, you can talk about the TYPES of names you like, and/or mention a few you considered but decided against. “But I CAN say that we considered William and Henry!” or “We’re thinking along the lines of unusual-but-not-too-weird” or “We really wanted to use [name], but can’t because of [reason]” or “Get this: my husband wanted to use [hilarious and out-of-the-question option]!” This can lead to suggestions and guesses, but you can just raise your eyebrows and look mysterious because you’ve already said you’re not going to tell the name. Or you can lob the discussion back to them: ask them if they had trouble agreeing on names, or what they think about using family names, or what names they wish they could use.
If by decoy names you mean names of the “We’re thinking about X and Y but aren’t sure” type, then I think that seems like a good script—especially for early on, when it wouldn’t be strange to be undecided. For the X and Y, I’d use names you actually did consider (or names similar to names you actually did consider), but have decided not to use. But if by decoy names you mean telling other people that you have chosen names, and then saying fake names you aren’t going to use, I would not recommend that. If it feels awkward to say you’re not sharing names, it seems as if it would feel much more awkward to explain afterward that you lied because you didn’t want to share names. Furthermore, one of the many reasons people have for asking about baby names is that they like to get baby gifts personalized.
My favourite way to deflect during our two pregnancies was to acknowledge how tough finding a name can be and then ask the person THEIR favourite names. I found out a lot about people this way (my grandfather loves French names? FIL is obsessed with the name Amanda!? Etc) and they felt part of it without having an actual influence on our choices.
I love this idea! The main reason I always want to know the baby’s name is because it opens up the door to one of my favorite conversations: baby names. So when someone shuts it down with “we’re not sharing,” I feel like they’ve ended any chance of a conversation. Lovely to talk names with another name enthusiast even if it’s not about that specific baby’s name.
Exactly, janelle! I just like to talk baby names in general, and who better to strike up that conversation with than a pregnant woman? If I did it with anyone else, they would suspect that I was pregnant and/or wanted to be.
We just said, “we’re having a boy, and we have a name picked out, but we’re not sharing what it is, because we like having some level of mystery!”
Actually it was because my grandmother on my step-father’s side had a history of making seriously nasty comments, one of which was “Emma? But there are so many pretty girls names!”
We kept our daughter’s name a secret from most people because we knew there would be plenty of unfavorable comments about our uncommon choice (Juno). I deflected many curious people by telling how my husband was notorious for (innocently) putting his foot in his mouth when pregnant couples announced their baby names (true story), so I was worried karma would bite us in the rear.
Yup, great advice, Swistle! For baby 2 I was down to one classic and one total outlier choice but didn’t care to be swayed by the peanut gallery. I always said , “Hubby won’t drop (great name with disasterous nickname potential), can you believe it?!?” And would skate away without revealing the true finalists.
I find that it’s very common for people to keep their baby name a secret, so I don’t think it’s a big deal. We didn’t tell anyone- even our parents. We just said “We’re debating between two names, but keeping them a secret”. No one really cared.
We had a decoy name with the first. It was a name that was outlandish and obviously not our child’s name. And it has stuck as a friendly nickname. It isn’t used often, but there’s a lot of power in screaming a decoy name across the grocery store. And by having a decoy name, it allowed me to say “We want to meet him first, but for now we call him Leroy.” And the second child was given a decoy name as well, even though I cared less about keeping it a surprise the 2nd time around. So Leroy and Lucille still get used on occasion, and with a bit of a smile as their fake name.
So I suggest a decoy name. Make it something you already culled out, or something ridiculous for your taste.
I think decoy names are a hassle- you still get judgement. I have used 1. Funny name hubs likes but is impossible 2. Do you have a Suggestion? and 3. Something about we are waiting to meet the little one before we commit. Which ended up being mostly true and we even said after one was born without comment from anyone.
I think your acquaintances and colleagues won’t be pushy if you say your name is secret. Close family and friends might be upset not to be in the know if you say “we are not telling” but are also likely to start a lobbying campaign for or against a decoy. I’d pick a different strategy if possible.
I generally tell people that the baby will have a name when he/she arrives. But until then, we’re not sure.
We told people we had a name but were keeping it a secret. Nobody was offended. And even if they were, so what? Not their baby…
I feel like the vast majority of people I know keep the name a surprise. So I just kind of expect that, and certainly don’t get offended. We didn’t even tell our parents. I think since so many people find out the gender, they want to keep the name a mystery. Just say something like, “Youll have to wait and see!” with a friendly smile, or “We have a couple top contenders, but we’re keeping them under wraps!” Or just the simple, “we’re keeping it a surprise!”
I highly doubt most anyone, except maybe close family/friends, will care much about it, and it IS fun to announce the name! :)
Most of my friends seem to have kept their babies’ names a secret. No one found it rude. Usually they’d be like, “it’s between two” or whatever the story was, “but we’re not sharing until he/she is born.”
I just told people what the baby’s name would be and didn’t leave them room to argue with me. For my first anyway. The second is due at the end of June and is still nameless. So, there it is!
Congratulations!
Keeping the name a secret seems to be common, so I don’t think it comes across as rude to say just that. I plan to keep the sex and two potential names all a secret if/when we have a child. My mom will be the only one who knows the sex, because I need her to order things for me ahead of time, lol.
I always ask about names because I’m a name enthusiast-even though I kept my own babies’ names secret and run with the “don’t tell ’till birth” crowd. I agree that responses that invite the asker to participate is friendly and lovely-it might be all they meant in the first place. For more judgy relatives I like the idea of a scripted response. And finally, it’s worth saying that some cultural traditions find it superstitious to name the baby before it arrives safely. I pulled that card with my own mom and told her we were waiting until we met her granddaughter before deciding from a big list :)
Most people keep it a secret and it’s not rude to say so.
My only advice would be if you are going on your family tree, then double check with someone who is in the know about it. We named our second son highly unusual name after a great grandpa who immigrated from Italy and changed his name to William / Bill when he got here. Highly unusual name is on the Ellis Island records. That was not his name though, it was really the same name as Uncle Jr. on the Sopranos. Then with his middle name we went with James for my Uncle Jimmy. Turns out he is not Jim short for James, he’s Jim. If his mother wanted a James she would have named him James. So neither family name we used it quite right and in hindsight, it would have been better to run our choices past a couple people.
And on the flip side, find out what names ARE on the family tree so you don’t use an honor name unintentionally. We almost gave our daughter my hateful MIL’s long-deceased mother’s name as a middle name. She was said to be so hateful as well that no one in the family ever spoke of her, hence why my husband didn’t know his own grandmother’s name. Luckily, I did some digging before baby was born.
That happened to me, too – I told my mom that were thinking Eleanor, nn Nora, and was greeted with dead silence of the “how could you?” variety. Turns out that was my very dear stepfather’s mother’s name, a woman so vile that, at his funeral, she spoke at length about the hours of agonizing labor pains he put her through. I didn’t remember that because he had cut off contact after she called my mother a racial epithet when I was six or seven.
So sometimes it is good to share.
I think it’s fine to say we’re keeping the name a surprise and doing as Swistle suggest and giving the reason why you’re keeping it a surprise. Don’t want anyone to sway us out of it, make sure it fits the baby etc.
If you do use a decoy name MAKE SURE IT’S NOT AN HONOUR NAME (even accidentally) comb through the family trees first. Don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up and then dash them terribly.
You can still expect some people to be excited about learning about the name. I’ve said to a few friends/family members when they’re expecting, especially close to the due date “I can’t wait to learn their name!” “So excited to find out what it is” I don’t mean for this to be pressuring, hopefully it hasn’t come across that way. But you will still have people wanting to know the name, even though they know you’re not sharing. Just have to deal with it. AKA smile.
I am always a little surprised when people do share the name before the baby is born. Almost everyone we know (including my husband and I) keep it under wraps. No one ever gave us grief for it.
I agree with the above comments that it isn’t rude at all. My mom gave me a ton of grief when we wouldn’t share my daughter’s name but I was vindicated after she was born. My mom proclaimed she LOVED her name and but then vehemently disliked the runner up name which is incredibly similar in style. I’m certain she only likes my daughter’s name because the chosen name was tied to an adorable grand baby.
Exactly! We knew most of our families would HATE baby’s name (Juno), so we kept it to just a few trusted people who we knew would only give their negative opinion if we asked for it. MIL and SIL claim to love the name, but I’m positive they hate it, and only love the baby with the name.
I’m trying to remember how we did this. I remember my husband telling people that we were going to name the baby – a girl – “Sharksey Malloy”. That was weird enough to throw people off and for them to wonder if we actually were that crazy.
I think it also helped that we didn’t actually decide on the first two kids’ names until they were born. So it’s not like we were lying and I think it’s fine to say “We’re waiting to see the baby until we decide for sure.”
With our 3rd, we didn’t know the gender but my husband picked a boy name and a girl name. We did tell some people near the end and we did stick with the name he’d picked.
Oh and another thought, if you start throwing out decoy names, you might actually get to like the decoy name. One name that came up as kind of a joke/ decoy name for our 2nd child, actually ended up being the name of our 3rd child.
if you do say “We kind of like *name* but we aren’t sure.” you do run the risk of people then insulting your decoy name, which is not good if it’s in the style of the name you do like. You might get the “Ohhh, that’s so, umm, interesting?!”
People might just be curious on whether you’re going the traditional route or something more unique or a family name etc. I know that’s what I like to hear about when a family is having a new baby, especially the first one.
We didn’t share names until birth with any of our three kids. We just said that we weren’t telling people the name yet. Family and friends were always polite and understanding. The rare person that was offended by this was always random strangers, like store cashiers and such, which I always thought was odd. It did have the sad side effect of shutting down any name related conversations though, which I always found sad as I love talking about names!
My SIL is due in two weeks and they haven’t told anyone the name. As far as I know, they’re feigning not having chosen yet. It works! I think what also helped is that they told everyone the middle name (it’s an honor name), so people are partially sated.
With our first we did not find out baby’s sex, but had one boy name and one girl name. We shared occasionally, but not very much.
With our second, we knew she was a girl, but we couldn’t agree on a name until the day before my csection. We had already decided if we found out the sex, the name would be secret until her birth. Turns out she didn’t have an agreed upon name until the day before her arrival.
I would say it partially depends on how many children you hope to have, and how unusual your naming style is. If you’re only going to have to dance the dance once or twice, then an elaborate decoy plan might be fine. We knew we wanted a large family, so we hurt all the feelings with #1 and said we wouldn’t be sharing baby names. DH’s grandmother was the only one who was vocally offended, but she’s gotten used to it now. An aunt proclaimed her disgust at my sister’s use of Helen, “a horrid old lady name!” Since our style is even fustier, I knew we would keep our mouths shut until the birth announcement, which would be by text or email.
We played the “we’re not sure” game, but we also gave people who asked a category and let them guess. In our case, all our favorite names were shared with First Ladies, and we kind of have a hobby of Presidential history, so everyone laughed and made guesses as to which First Lady it was.
If Presidents aren’t your bag you could say “one of the 1995 Chicago Bulls” or “a Best Actress Oscar winner” or “an astronaut” or something. Something people can look up on their phone and jokingly repeat the weird old fashioned ones.
The other problem with throwing out a joke/decoy name is you risk insulting a name that the person you’re talking to might legitimately like.
I hardly know anyone who’s revealed their baby’s name before birth and would never expect someone to do so. When I talk about this with pregnant friends (I’m also pregnant), I will sometimes ask if they’ve chosen a name, but I ALWAYS preface it with “You don’t have to tell me what it is! Just curious how the process is going.” I have no problem with people asking us if we’ve chosen a name (we have… I think), but I do find it super weird when they follow that up with an expectant face and “Well, what is it??” As if I’m telling anyone! Psshh. I think they’re way ruder for expecting me to tell them than I am for not wanting to tell them. I just say, “Oh, we’re not telling anyone,” or I blame it on my husband, who really, REALLY doesn’t want to tell anyone.
We do have a joke name that we use with my husband’s family, who hassle us way more than anyone else about the name and keep suggesting names (which I don’t really appreciate), but I wouldn’t use the joke name outside the immediate family circle as you never know who you might be inadvertently insulting.
I’m with the “no big deal” brigade. Have not been through this yet personally, but have been told by many friends that a name has been chosen, but is being kept secret till the baby’s debut. Like any name junkie, I’m generally super curious–but in an age when basically everyone reveals the baby’s sex as soon as possible, I appreciate not knowing this ONE detail till the birth.
The friends who most recently welcomed a new baby had the name picked months in advance, but kept it to themselves when asked. “There’s no upside to sharing it in advance, but there are lots of downsides,” is how they put it; and though it sounded a little harsh, I thought it was tough to argue with that!
I only have one child who is 3 but we chose to reveal the chosen name when we revealed the gender on the day of the ultrasound. I don’t know why I would keep the name a secret if it is already chosen and no one is going to change our mind. With that being said, MOST people have kept the baby name a secret and have typically used “we are keeping it a secret” and I was not at all offended. What I don’t understand is, why not tell a cashier if they ask? They aren’t family or friends so what’s the point of not telling a stranger? Someone please help me with that!
Because even nice strangers sometimes say not-so-nice things. The last thing a pregnant person needs after spending months freaking out trying to choose a name is for some rando to tell them the name is awful, or that their niece is named that and it has led to THE WORST nickname, or no one can pronounce it, etc. People always feel like they have to give an opinion, and rarely are just like “Aw, that’s cute. Congrats!” like you’d hope.
I’m very sensitive and know for sure that my feelings would be hurt if someone put down my name choice before the kiddo was even here.
I find this interesting because this is the exact reason that I do discuss my real name choices with random strangers! I don’t like to talk names with family (because everyone has opinions about names and they aren’t always rational – eg” I went to school with a xxx once and they were really mean”) but I do want to hear how the name will be received out in the world. After all if you are worried about having to tell someone the name because they might react really strongly imagine if you had to worry about the reaction *every single time* you said your own name. If there is an unfortunate nickname/porn star/weird pronounciation problem I want to know before I sign that birth certificate and strangers are more likely to be honest.
Each to their own of course but my method is to claim a ‘suprise’ with family and friends and to be open with strangers…
Yeah, and I get this. I guess it’s a personal preference. In the age of the Internet and Swistle, I think chances are any unfortunate celeb comparisons or whatever are concerns that have already been addressed. I would just hate to have decided and been happy and then the store clerk tells me it’s awful.
I’m with you–I would want to “field test” the name to make sure the MAJORITY of people in my child’s life wouldn’t judge us negatively for using a name I liked. I was a big fan of both Electra and Allegra as girls’ names, but after mentioning each one a couple times in public, I learned most of the men I know sssstrrronngly associate the former with Carmen Electra and that basically EVERYONE I know thinks of the allergy medicine when they hear the latter. So, because I found this illuminating enough to take both names off my list, I’d do this again with future names–WITH STRANGERS.
On the other hand, I see no reason whatsoever to field test names specifically with people in my inner circle itself. Seems like it’s more helpful to take a random sampling of people from far and wide, especially those who have experiences that differ from my own, as they’re more likely to represent the people the child might encounter over a lifetime.
I also think it’s worth noting that you can’t make everyone happy, which makes the field testing a little less than 100% useful. Even a name like James, which seems unimpeachable on several of the usual levels, is going to make someone complain about the yawn factor, the overuse, the stuffiness, etc. (James is a favorite of mine, so no offense to those who share my feelings!)
It’s funny, I associate Electra with the Electra Complex (opposite of Oedipus Complex, so girl competing with her mother so she can have her father). It’s interesting what people associate with names.
I second this. My friend told people and got some NASTY reactions from total strangers. She also got a lot of annoying responses like: “Oh, but have you considered [x]?” Granted, this is personality-based, because some people can totally disregard negative comments and others can’t. I care too much about others’ input so we agreed to keep it a secret to avoid any unnecessary sway comments. Others don’t care. You just gotta know your skin type.
We had the unfortunate coincidence of one set of in-laws getting a cat the week before one of our sons was born…and they used our chosen name ON THE CAT! To them, it was the kind of old-fashioned name you’d only use on a pet. We never told them, and, oh my, were we scrambling!
We didn’t use a decoy name, and it wouldn’t have done any good. The cat would have still gotten the name.
So if you use a decoy, you might accidentally be causing someone else to go back to the drawing board for their own unborn offspring. “Man, WE were going to use Rocco, but now the Joneses are!” And you never planned to use Rocco in the first place…
Can I just say that I died laughing at this scenario? This made my day.
I told all my cousins my pick for a future baby long before any of us were married/having kids or before I was with my fiance, because it’s an honor name of a favorite great aunt. I knew that while they were younger than me, many would be getting married/having babies before me and might take the name that I had my heart set on. So I kind of prefaced it by saying, “I love Aunt ___’s name, and totally want to use it. If anyone else wants to, that’s awesome, but be warned: I *will* be using it, too!” Luckily it wasn’t to anyone else’s style/no one has used it, but even if they do use it, at least they know my intentions.
Fast forward to meeting my fiance, and I fell in love with his grandmothers’ names, so our first girl will probably be named after them, though I may sneak my aunt’s name in as a second mn, esp because I am in my 30s and this could be my only chance!
I recently did that with my brother because he & his wife are trying to conceive and we aren’t sure if we’re done having babies yet or not. I just said to him, “For the record, if we have a third child, it will likely be Rhys or Clementine. We’re not calling dibs, so feel free to use either. Just know your baby may end up with a cousin who has the same name. Your call.” For the most part, I really don’t care if our kids both have the same name. And for the little part of me that does care… Well, I know *they* would care way more, so they won’t be using “my” names now. LOL
Another danger to the decoy name, especially for people who will be close to the baby, is that they might get really attached to it. “Can’t wait for little Gilbert to get here!” Then it might create letdown/disappointment when you announce the birth of little Marvin instead. So I’d personally stay away from that approach.
I think, “We have some ideas but we’re waiting to meet the baby before we decide” is a great response and won’t come across as rude, even if most people in your circle do reveal the name ahead of time. And turning the question back on them to ask about their favorite names or how they named their babies is a great idea!
I’m just reiterating many of the comments above, but I don’t think it’s rude at all to not disclose. Only one of my friends has told in advance and received so much negativity that she kept Baby #2 a secret afterwards. In my husband’s family, NO ONE tells the name in advance; it’s almost taboo! We kept Baby #1 name a secret all pregnancy and had SO MUCH FUN “revealing” the name at the hospital (my father-in-law, who we named him after, teared up and it was so touching). For Baby #2, I’m double-glad we didn’t reveal because I’m 9 months pregnant and we JUST changed our baby name last week. Imagine returning all those monogrammed items!
With both of our children we kept the name a secret until they were born. For us, it was never an issue. We just told everybody that we had a name picked out but that we weren’t going to announce it until the baby was born. I used the “We already know we are having a boy [girl the second time], so we want there to be a surprise to announce on the day the baby arrives” excuse. I also said that we wouldn’t be totally sure of the name until we saw the baby, so that was why we weren’t announcing ahead of time.
I honestly don’t remember anyone giving us a hard time about keeping the names a secret. It’s a pretty common way to handle things in my circle. In fact, it turned into a fun game with everybody in the family taking bets on what they thought we would name the baby (nobody guessed right either time!).
Also, I was SO GLAD we waited to announce the name because when my husband handed our son to my mother-in-law and said his name, her eyes got HUGE and she just said, “Ohhhhhh,” and I could tell she was horrified by the name but wasn’t about to say anything while she was actually holding the already-named baby. Had we told her ahead of time, we never would have heard the end of it for months! As was she just accepted it as his name and never said anything about it.
I do like the idea of trying the chosen name out with a few strangers beforehand, just to work out any kinks. Maybe it’s harder to spell or pronounce than you want. Maybe there’s a notorious mass murderer with the same name & you somehow missed the headlines on the news. Or as a previous commenter said, maybe the cashier really does have a niece with that name, who subsequently got the most horrid nickname. Wouldn’t you want to know that info up front, so you can make a more informed decision? That’s how I learned about the nickname for Astrid (Ass Turd) coined by The Office. Still considered the name, but was good to know.
I guess I’m the outlier, because I told folks and so did a high percentage of my friends. But one of the ones who didn’t finally told people the week before her leave started that the name started with an h, and that made it fun. None of us guessed right – it was Hudson. Ironically, that’s been one of the geographically popular names n my area – I know as many Hudsons as I do Williams and James combined, and none of them know each other.
We kept our son’s name under wraps before birth. I think we did a combination of “We’re keeping it a surprise!” and “Well, we have a front runner but we might change our minds.” (We were probably 99.9% sure of the name but hey, I am not clairvoyant, I cannot tell you what might change in the next 4 months!)
I seem to have an exceptionally good Resting Bitch Face, though, since I avoided nearly all of the Annoying Pregnancy Contact the entire time I was pregnant. Nobody tried to touch my belly or ask if I was going to breastfeed or ANYTHING. It was glorious.
This was such great advice. I think instead of a decoy name, I’ll just redirect the conversation elsewhere.
Thank you, Swistle and readers all so much!
Feeling much more confident now. :)