Hello,
17 years ago I named my daughter Zoe Louise Loren-with-an-S. Zoe because we loved it, Louise as an honor name. Initially the name seemed a good fit, though by the time she was 12 she had begun to dislike it. For the last five years she has been in a phase where she thinks she isn’t a girl or boy, and wants to change her name to Merle to reflect that.
Obviously this isn’t your usual question style, but I’d like to help her pick a better name than Merle. For me, Merle conjures up images of great-grandfathers, and I can’t imagine it on my little girl. And with my own name being Andrea, I’m used to people thinking I’m male, and I don’t want her to go through the same problems. She doesn’t have a middle name picked out yet, and as her old one honored family, I’d like the new name to as well.
When we were first choosing her name, other candidates were Emily Louise and Michelle Rose. Neither of these seem to fit her these days, but I still love that style of name, and they have the advantage of being distinctly female. If she’d been a boy, we’d have named her James Martin. I don’t want her name to stick out among others her age, but she hates all the names popular in 1997.
I know I should let her make her own final choice, but Merle doesn’t seem like a good choice at all.
I think the first question is whether she’d like to have our help. If she’s decided on Merle, and that’s the name that feels right to her, then I think that’s that.
If she’s still in the decision-making process and would LIKE some input, then my opinion is that Merle could be a surprisingly successful choice. For people who are currently in the Parents generation or older, Merle is a grandfather or great-grandfather name: that means it is a candidate for a revival, and that it’s likely to sound pleasingly retro to her peers. Whether or not Merle WILL be revived (along with Earl and Vernon and Myrtle) is uncertain; we’ll find out when the current Kids generation starts having children.
The name Merle strikes me as more boy than unisex, though I can’t think of anyone I know of named Merle. I think I was thinking of Merv Griffin, and of the name Earl. I looked it up to see what its usage has been over the years:
1880: F 6, M 17
1890: F 68, M 26
1900: F 113, M 54
1910: F 138, M 100
1920: F 403, M 818
1930: F 237, M 711
1940: F 236, M 467
1950: F 141, M 395
1960: F 62, M 176
1970: F 18, M 131
1980: F 5, M 59
1990: F -, M 33
2000: F -, M 25
2010: F -, M 22
And in the most recent data from 2013:
2013: F -, M 15
So her selection is an interesting one, and interestingly well-selected for her age. She’s chosen something that would not have been used on a baby girl in her birth year, but something society may be ready to hear again. She’s found a name that was generally used more often for boys, but definitely experienced unisex usage (and in fact was used more often for girls for decades)—and is barely used at all for current babies. It’s a distinctive choice, but may communicate exactly what she wants it to: an assertively retro style, combined with a unisex-leaning-boy style, combined with a current usage rate that comes very close to uniqueness.
As to whether people might not know if she’s a boy or a girl, or might think her name is a boy’s name, that seems to be the very thing she’s going for.
When adults want to rename themselves, I generally recommend choosing a name from their approximate year of birth: I want to gently discourage 40-year-old women from naming themselves Isabella, for example. It’s a little different with a 17-year-old, for two reasons. The first is that she is still close enough to her birth year to have more leeway than someone older: a 17-year-old named Isabella would be a little unusual, but not shocking: just a bit ahead of the trend. (She’s also less likely to be perceived as trying to grab onto youthfulness, since at her age she’s more likely to be doing the opposite.)
The second reason is a little more delicate. In high school, people are making a lot of decisions about who they are and who they want to be. Not ONLY in high school, of course, but high school is famous for being a time to try things on and see how they fit. SOME of those try-ons/decisions are long-term/permanent, and serious/important/well-thought-out; others are…well, let’s not reflect too long on how I spelled my name Krystyn, wore black miniskirts with black boots and army jackets, and thought it was cute to talk really fast. I think it’s possible she will choose the name Merle and keep it for life, in which case this is a serious and personal decision she’s making and she’ll have to make the choice that feels right for her (with the hope that in time the name will seem right to you as well); I also think it’s possible she will try it on for awhile and then choose something else, in which case this is a temporary and fun decision she’s making, and it’ll be something to look back on with affectionate/cringing amusement, the way I now look back on my pink high-tops.
And there’s some blurriness here about jurisdiction: on one hand, of course she has the right to choose the name she wants; on the other hand, that was originally your exclusive right. We talk a lot here about how PARENTS get to choose the name (in the context of how GRANDPARENTS and FRIENDS do NOT), but what if you choose the name you love best, and the child disagrees? And then the child chooses something you would NEVER have chosen, and in fact dislike? That is hard, and you have my sympathy. I’m picturing some of the names I dislike, and picturing my children wanting me to call them by those names, and I am not feeling as laid-back about it as I may seem in my previous paragraphs. I can talk all I want about letting our kids make their own important life/identity decisions, but that doesn’t mean I’ll kick any less (mentally if not vocally) when it’s about ME and MY kid. You get credit for not getting huffy and offended that she wants to change it, and asking only about helping her make a choice that would be more appealing/appropriate.
I think it’s nice for a name change to involve the person’s parents to any extent possible, even if that’s a very small extent (such as nodding and pretending to consider the input)—because of the blurry jurisdiction thing, and because names can be such a personal and emotional gift from the parent to the child, and because people will naturally assume that the children’s names were the parents’ choice, and because I am empathizing here with the parental point of view and it’s an unusual situation for a parent to have to deal with. Even when the name-changer is a fully-grown adult, my suggestions generally include consulting the parents if possible. (I would not advise it, for example, with parents who would then be hugely offended that their suggestions were ignored, doubling the original issue.) Perhaps she could show you a list of the other names she feels are a good fit, and see if any of those are more to your tastes. Or this exercise could also show you that there was no point in working on it further: if for example her other options were all the same style as Merle, or of a style even LESS to your taste. Possible upside: if the other options are Magic, Butch, and Wilbur, for example, you may find it easier to warm to Merle.
Well. Let’s say she WOULD be interested in our input: ours as well as yours. I’ll assume this is a fun thing for her to consider and discuss, and that she has not yet declared that the decision is Merle. (If she HAS declared that it is Merle, I would say this is the stage of “the baby is named, the name has been announced,” and I would back off completely.)
My first advice would be to keep the middle name, since it’s an honor name. If she finds it too feminine, I’d suggest changing it to Louis or Lou. I wouldn’t worry very much about how it went with the new first name, especially if the new first name will not be a formal legal change at this time.
I notice that the names on your finalist list were heavy on the Z sound: Louise, Rose, James, Zoe. If I were advising her, I’d suggest seeing if there were any names she liked that also contained that sound.
I would next suggest she look for unisex versions of names on your finalist list, or unisex names that were similar in other ways (such as Zoe/Joe). Jamie is probably too dated for her tastes, and Marty not quite dated enough, but I wonder if she’d like Jo(e), or Lou (if she doesn’t keep the middle name).
I wonder if she’d like Gus? I went to school with a girl named Gus, short for Augusta. There are a lot of other retro nickname names used for boys or girls: Frankie, Billie, Benny, Freddie, Mattie, Johnny, Bertie, etc. Whenever a name has a male and a female version (Robert/Roberta, Albert/Alberta, Augustus/Augusta, Frederick/Fredericka), that can be a good place to look for a unisex nickname name.
I might suggest she consider Merrill instead of Merle: in the current culture, my guess is that she would encounter a more positive response to Merrill than to Merle. (That argument would not have swayed me, I don’t think, when I was using Krystyn instead of Kristen, but perhaps Merrill could be suggested just as a similar choice, without bringing what-other-people-think into it.)
A final thought is that the thing I remember about my own teenaged years is that the less my parents objected to a decision, the easier it was for me to change my mind about it later on.
Hello there-
I changed my first in my mid 20’s though not for gender idenfication reasons, but would share some of what was involved. Given it’s a serious change, I got input from friends/family on the concept and my choice, and then used my new 1st name for whole year before making the legal change. The legal change had costs involved, including publishing it as a notice in the paper in the event there are debts against you, etc, and getting new passports, college diplomas, etc (so your child can start saving up). Then for the rest of your life, anytime some form or other asks if you’d gone by or had another legal name, you have to note it. A simpler transition choice might be Lou or Zo… Food for thought…
The OP’s case may be different with regards to the “disclosing former names” situation (at least if asked in a discrimination-sensitive situation like an average job application – not when asked on a government form or in a non-discriminatory setting for example when you must mention any names that fall in the scope of what they ask for unless told otherwise) for a couple of reasons. One is if she changes it before having any relevant work/school/criminal, etc. records under the former name (a possibility given her age) it’d be like if someone was adopted – unless you’re going for a high-security job where they can trace you back to birth they usually care about only the names that records they may check are under* (as the link below shows, as well as personal experience when I’ve asked about it directly with someone from HR). The same logic applies on credit applications – it’s names your credit history would be under that count.
http://www.askamanager.org/2013/03/short-answer-sunday-7-short-answers-to-7-short-questions-32.html
The possible gender identity issues are the second point – since transgenders are a case where discrimination is highly likely you have a defense against not disclosing extraneous names if you do end up transitioning (the precedent stems from immigrants who changed their names to avoid discrimination, but the principle is the same). (What I’ve suggested to a trans-person before is if you can honestly say so, is that you have no relevant records under any other names – or a paraphrasing of such – which if you do some research on so-called “illegal” job-seeker questions “alternative” responses that get across what they can inquire about and no more are perfectly valid – and it CYA if you’re like Swistle** who doesn’t want to “lie” in any way.) The need to properly check relevant records does outweigh the right to be “stealth” (the term used in the trans-community when not disclosing that you are), so if you are like Leah’s case where you’d be old enough to have such records you’d unfortunately have to “out” yourself unless you can change them all.
*Conversely they don’t just care about “legal” names – if you have a criminal history under an alias, your work history is under a pseudonym, or even if documents subject to checking are under a nickname/middle name/other name you’ve gone by without a legal change, they do want to know about them (a point that those who want to use another name just informally ought to consider). (**After a lengthy debate I had against Swistle and another poster about this a couple of years or so ago that was the “nail in the coffin” – she uses pseudonyms for her kids on here, and by her strict “rule follower” logic her kids would have to disclose them if they get asked if they’ve ever been known by any other names, which is of course not true but I thought of that to get my point across.)
I meant to say “adopted as a child” (there is such a thing as adult adoption, and a name change due to such would be like any other done at that age). Another situation that would be like a childhood adoption in terms of what I highlighted above are those readers contemplating changing an already-born child’s name.
Another error – I forgot it was the child’s parent, and not the child herself, asking the question – so I got some pronouns wrong (I used “you” when speaking to the current-Zoe).
Oops, sorry for the typos. That would be identification.
If they’re already struggling with their gender I wouldn’t push them on the name. I come from this as someone with a trans sister. When my sister came out as trans, my mom focused on the one thing she could influence (probably because she felt so out of control of the situation) and she told my sister it was really important to her that my sister keep the name she gave her in some form. So Michael became Michaela, rather than Paige – which is what she took as her middle name and what she uses anyway.
Now, Merle isn’t my favorite name. In fact, the Merle I think about comes mostly from the Walking Dead and he’s not a sympathetic character. So…maybe if they’re a Walking Dead fan, you can use that to influence them. I liked the suggestion of Merrill. Merritt might be nice too.
I feel the same about Merle because of the walking dead. However, it’s one of those things where right now it’s my only association with that name. If I met a nice person named Merle that would change.
Also, and it sounds like you’re doing this, but probably the most important thing you can do for your daughter is keep an open mind. They might decide that they ID as male, or that they’re just gender fluid, or that they’re female after all – but how you handle this will let them know whether they can look to you for support and guidance during a time that is difficult for all teens, but especially for queer and trans teens. Big hugs to you both.
Kim, ah, it sounds like you I like the name Merle! I’d support your daughter in using it. As a previous comment explained, I too would try out the name for a year or so, then make the change legal. I changed my last name in my 20s and while I never regretted it, it does come with costs and with some more overhead everytime you file papers.
Just wanted to add that I have a friend named Zoe who found herself in the same situation. She eventually legally changed her name to Zoh and loves how androgynous it sounds. people she works with online often assume she must be male, which us what she was going for. Just throwing that story out there. All the best to you and your daughter!
I actually quite like Merle. Other names with a similar sound and unisex vibe that come to mind are Merrill, as Swistle mentioned, and Marlo. (I love Marlo. So jaunty!) Or Marin, or Merritt?
I really like Merle! (I’m in my early 30s, so likely between the generations of child and parent here.) It reminds me of Merlin and Pearl, both of which are positive sound-associations for me.
Underlining what Swistle said about “the less my parents objected to a decision, the easier it was to change my mind.” Most teens I know will think more carefully about a decision if parents and teachers tell them, “I trust you to make the decision that is best for you.” If they’re treated as an adult who’s capable of carefully weighing consequences, they’re much more likely to live up to that. If, on the other hand, there’s a lot of resistance and questioning, it becomes a “which of us has control over my life?” issue. Then they’re more likely to resist just to prove that they DO get to make their own decisions, rather than making the decision on its own merits.
Also, I’d caution you against phrases like “going through a phase for the last 5 years,” at least in your child’s hearing. Maybe it’s a phase, maybe it’s not, but 12-17 is a significant portion of a person’s life. I know a lot of trans* and gender-queer people, and having their identities recognized and honored by their parents is so, so helpful and affirming… even if those identities shift over time. Even if your child starts identifying differently in another few years, having you treat their identity now as real and valid will make a huge difference in the level of trust and closeness that can exist between you.
I don’t know if you all pronounce Merel or Merrill the same way, but the name often gets pronounced as MER-ill or Mere-ill, so I would take into consideration that your daughter will have to correct people on pronunciation. (I know this because my grandpa is named Merrill.)
She’s old enough that I think she gets to choose at this point. Merle is great, in my opinion. Sounds like you’ve raised a young person who truly knows who s/he is, knows what they want, and isn’t afraid to go after it. Congratulations on that, those are strengths that will serve her well in life.
(And I think it’s 100% fine for you to allow her to shoulder the logistical and financial challenges associated with the name change, for what that’s worth!)
“Sounds like you’ve raised a young person who truly knows who s/he is, knows what they want, and isn’t afraid to go after it. Congratulations on that, those are strengths that will serve her well in life.”
YES!
The sense I get from the letter is that you are trying to be supportive of your child’s gender identity, but not quite there yet. To me, that is more important than the name. It’s obviously not easy to accept that your little girl does not see herself as female, but that is the first step. There are several support groups available online or locally that can help you learn more about it and become comfortable with who she is. I might start with PFLAG. Only once you accept who she is can you help her find the right name for her new identity.
As for Merle, I have an Aunt Merle who is a wonderful person so I have nothing but positive associations with the name. Yes, it’s a bit odd for a person your child’s age, but it sounds like that is what s/he is going for since s/he likely feels like s/he doesn’t fit in with everyone else as a person. I think it’s fair to ask your child to test out Merle, and perhaps a few other names (I really like Marlo, esp since it nods to Martin as a family name), for a bit before committing legally. BUT, please don’t expect that after some time s/he will take it all back and be happy as a girl.
This is a very weird coincidence because I was just googling an actress 2 days ago and her name ended up being Merle — Merle Dandridge.
So, I immediately thought “girl” when I saw Merle — I never realized it was even used more for boys. IMO, definitely unisex after reading this!
Please accept what Zoe has told you. Five years is way longer than a phase. This is who they are.
If you love the name Zoe, you can point out that David Bowie named his son Zooey (though Zooey later changed his name to Joey.)
I keep recommending Robin as a great unisex name. I’ve known equal numbers of men and women with it. Also Jordan. Also Morgan. And Terry. And Teagan.
The only Merle I’ve ever known was an older lady with a hyphenated first name (Merle-F@ye).
I suspect there is more going on here than just a name change. I noticed the poster refers to her child’s gender identity (yes, being neither male or female is a type of gender identity) as a “phase.” It’s been going on for 5 years, that seems a bit much for your typical adolescent phase. I wonder if therapy to explore the child’s gender identity has been explored at all? If not, I would strongly suggest it.
Personally, I think of names as gifts from parent to child. Once given, they belong to the child to do with as they please. This may mean a nickname the parent doesn’t like, temporary changes, or permanent changes. Try not to take it too personally. Grieve the name you lovingly picked and then learn to adapt to the name your child has chosen.
It’s very common for parents of kids who are questioning their assigned gender to be upset about name changes. While I don’t love Merle I think you should give it some time and respect your child’s wishes to be called their chosen name.
I agree five years is rather long to be a phase of this type. Either way, I’d join the Facebook group Parents of Transgender Children. You can look around, hear stories, and see if you have something in common. You can always leave the group if it’s not for you. I see a lot of similar posts there! I’d also Google Leelah Alcorn.
I’m a fan of your blog – nice to see you over here :)
I love the name Merle! And I second Robin as a backup. I also like Quinn. Does it bother your teen to have a first and last both end in n? Another idea would by a dashing surname from your family tree-do you have any Harts or Hoyts or similar? It would be two honor names and maybe not either of your styles, but it might be a point of connection to family as your child becomes an independent adult.
Swistle, I’m so glad to hear I’m not the only person who went through a high school phase of spelling my name differently. I was Erynne my junior year and I still cringe every time I think about it. It was my way of trying to make the best of a name I hated (and still hate, but I feel like 32 is too old to think about actually going by a new name).
Oh wait, I’ve got this.
In high school I went through a phase where I asked people to call me “Keighty” or “K8ie”- with those spellings.
The walking dead Merle is all I can think about and I wasn’t a fan of his so it’s not a name I like. But if she likes it….then that’s cool.
The Merles I know are all male. Well, I know three. Wait four. I know a Merle who is a ‘the third’ and I also have met his father and grandfather. His name is actually Merlin, Merle almost exclusively and for short.
The other Merle I don’t actually know, singer Merle Haggard.
Oh and the Merle in the Walking Dead (which is negative, while other associations are positive)
So for me it reads strongly/definitely male, but I can see how it could be gender-neutral-leaning-male, which may be what Zoe is going for?
I wish you both luck!
I actually really like Merle! It feels on the fringes of vintage revival. It reads gender-neutral to me (I’m a millennial, if that’s relevant). There are lots of issues here that other commenters have addressed well, but I wanted to chime in to say that if we were discussing a newborn’s name, I’d be in favor of Merle.
Totally in support of Merle. I find it a fascinating choice — very in line with the choices of other girls I know who have been questioning their gender identity. As a teacher, it is common for me to encounter “old man” names being used on girls. I think your child has chosen one that works very well with this style as well as reflecting the kind of ambiguity that she’s experiencing. I would whole-heartedly encourage friends and family to use it and to encourage her to try it out for 1-3 years before making it a legal change.
What about Ellis, Hollis or Avery?
I think the fact that you’re asking Swistle about a potential name change is a great step in the right direction for you as a parent. I’d echo the other people above who suggested finding support groups, therapy, doing some online research, etc to help you get more comfortable with the changes your child is going through. (Your discomfort shines through pretty strongly when you use phrases like “a phase” and “my little girl.”) I don’t mean to be alarmist, but gender-variant teenagers who perceive their parents to be hostile toward their identity are EIGHT TIMES more likely to commit suicide than other teens. So it really behooves you to learn how to be a supportive ally for your child, even if you have to fake it a little bit at first. I say this as a somewhat gender-nonconforming gay person whose relationship with her parents was forever damaged by this type of careless disregard for my identity. It matters to your kid that you take this seriously, even if you can’t yet bring yourself to believe it’s real.
The fact that your child is having these conversations with you is an excellent sign of your child’s trust in you. It’s possible that they will eventually grow out of this, but it seems unlikely at this point. A person’s internal sense of who they are is a little more central to their life than any questionable high school fashion choices or hilariously ill-conceived name re-spellings. Please do everything you can to educate yourself about how to be a supporter rather than an obstacle in order to keep this trust and communication (and possibly your child) alive. It’s not easy out there for a gender-nonconforming person, but it helps to know you have people who love and support you unconditionally.
Now, onto the name Merle. I agree with you that it skews a little bit old man (Merle Haggard being my only reference point), and it wouldn’t be my first choice for a seventeen-year-old (or anyone, for that matter). However, if the name is tied up with your tacit disapproval of your child’s gender identity, this is going to be a tough slog. It’s entirely possible for a parent to say, “I accept your gender identity but hate the name you’re considering” just like it’s entirely possible for a parent to say, “I accept that you’re gay but hate your new boyfriend.” But you child has to know implicitly that you’re supportive of all this before they can separate the name itself from what the name represents.
Maybe you could see if your child would like to write to Swistle with you to ask for name ideas. It seems like a fun process to put into words what type of names you like, even if Merle is already 99% sure to be the final decision. And suggesting you two write a letter to Swistle would go a long way toward your child seeing that you accept that a name change is okay with you (even if it isn’t what you would prefer).
Also, I would recommend trying the name out exclusively for a year before doing anything with it legally. It will help tremendously if you and other family members are enthusiastic participants in the year-long test drive.
Good luck with all these changes! And make sure to write back and let us know how things go.
I would like to make sure it is clear that my comparisons to fashion and spelling were only in regards to the decisions about which particular name or names might be experimented with (and how any name chosen at this stage MIGHT be a experiment of that sort, or might be a serious lifelong choice), not to the deeper feelings of identity.
No worries, Swistle. I sort of read it that way, but I wanted to draw out the distinction in case the original letter writer didn’t catch it. This is a sort of delicate but extremely important issue, so thanks for responding to the letter in the first place!
I think in this case you really need to just support your child. Your child (I’m not sure what pronoun your child prefers, so I am not using one) needs that more than anything. Your child can choose a name that may or may not work out longterm, but what your child needs right now is your unconditional acceptance–of the name and of the self.
I like both Zoe and Merle to be honest. Perhaps irrelevant, but fun fact is that the name Merle is solely female and very current in the Netherlands (http://www.meertens.knaw.nl/nvb/naam/is/merle although the two e’s in Merle are pronounced like the two e’s in ‘never’).
How about Zoello as a middle name. Greek for ‘son of Zoe’ or ‘life’ some websites say and it is a nice combination of Zoe and Louise. Merle Zoello or Zoello Merle… this way she could still be ‘Zo’ sometimes, or even ‘Zoe’ if she would be comfortable with that in the future.
My best wishes to everyone!
Related:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/dominicholden/transgender-kids-are-not-confused-or-pretending-study-finds#.acmjm5QeEK
and echoing what another commentator said above. Your child is at a very high risk for suicide if your child is not supported. Join a parents of trans kids group, find a therapist who knows about trans issues, do whatever you need to do. It matters in ways you probably cannot understand yet.
I agree with all the previous comments about the importance of understanding and completely supporting your child’s identification. I also want to underscore that it is a good thing that s/he has discussed this with you. I also highly recommend checking out some support groups, either online or in person. It is ok for this to be an adjustment for you also–you had expectations of who your child would become, and now are in the position of changing those expectations. That isn’t always easy, and many people who have traveled the road ahead of you can help out.
All that said, I actually really like the name Merle. I’m surprised, because at one time I would have lumped it with Myrtle and Ethel and etc, but popped out to me as pleasing.
The other suggestion I came up with is Zell, which would allow keeping the name first initial. (I am very tied to my first initial, so I always assume other people are too.)
If your child is still debating names and looking them up and just leaning towards Merle, I suggest buying a copy of the Baby Name Wizard, just because that is a really fun naming resource. And Swistle has a great suggestion of finding a name you like, picking the best “sister/brother” name, then looking that one up, and so on.
Good luck to you and your child and I hope one of you will update us!
One other great “Merle” from history, this time a woman: the great actress Merle Oberon.
I actually think James could work as a unisex name (nn Jamie). Actress Jaime King’s real name is James.
Although if she has her heart set on Merle and she identifies with this name, then this might be the way to go.
Couple of things stand out to me. The first is the struggle I hear the OP going through, and I want to sympathize. I had myself wrapped around the axle last week because my 5yo has shown signs of this issue, and it’s damn hard to wrap your head around. I trained with someone who transitioned last year, I’ve been an LGBT ally my whole life in the same way I’ve been a feminist, and the thought of my perfect baby being uncomfortable in her body, in the body I grew for her, and yes, in the name I chose for her (because people who read this blog are clearly highly invested in names) is highly disturbing. My kid is awesome and always be, no matter what, that much is clear. So I hear this OP reaching for acceptance, and I understand her reluctance to fully get onboard. It must be that much harder when her daughter’s identity is more fluid, and she isn’t wholly identifying as male, because that’s even more unknown territory.
But – it seems pretty clear that her daughter is seeking an androgynous name, and that’s what the mother is hung up on. Merle seems to fit her daughter’s needs perfectly well: gender neutral, skewing towards masculinity. None of us get any input. The mother doesn’t really get any input, because her agenda does not match her daughter’s. And again, I say that with sympathy- the name change thing went through my head last week when my daughter’s pretend games took a sharp turn took a sharp turn into “this may be something bigger.” But it is true. Zoe/Merle is the one holding the cards here
Thank you for this perspective.
I think that, unless your child specially asks for your input, you should just call them Merle because that’s the name they chose.
I’m a fan of Merle though- it sounds kind of vintage revival-ey. I got a “male-leaning-ambigious” vibe. I know it’s a historically male name but it feels like it could also be used on a woman now (kind of like Avery or Harper). I think Meryl Streep helps add to the ambiguity- the names are close enough that they could be confused (especially when you factor in accents and regional pronunciations).
I also want to point out that OP mentioned trying to find a name that was “distinctly female” to replace Zoe. Is this even a factor for a person who doesn’t identify as either male or female? It seems like picking an ambiguous name would work to their advantage- if you don’t identify as either male or female having an ambiguous name may prevent some unwanted assumptions about gender. Replacing Zoe with something girly wouldn’t help change the usefulness of the name- it would still read as feminine which doesn’t seem to be a what OP’s child is going for
Hit the return too soon. I think it’s absolutely fair for the mom to say, “I love you, I will always love you, but I am struggling with this, it’s a lot to take in.” Because it is, for everyone involved. So my advice is just to keep repeating the “I love you no matter what you decide your name is” with the occasional “agh, I’m sorry, I’m really used to calling you Zoe! ” thrown in.
(Will mention the masculine Zohar, but my sese is that she’s looking for more of a break with the old name. I guess I understand yhat, even if I would or maybe will dislike it)
Both of the Zohar’s I know are women, but it is gender neutral in Hebrew I believe.
Considering you were planning on naming her James if she was a boy, maybe you should mention that to her. I think Jamie could still be on the table if she likes it.
I agree with everyone else who says this sounds like it is more about gender identity than just changing names. Maybe you could support your child by making finding their “new” name a joint project of sorts (although she always has final say). Find out what is important to them (i.e. sounding gender neutral, vintage sounding, etc) and then you can comb name lists and blogs together. But that could only work if you are truly supportive of her having a masculine or gender neutral name. For example, you could read unisex name lists on Nameberry (http://nameberry.com/unisex-names) and discuss names together. You could say something like “I loved naming you when I thought you were my daughter. Now that I know that that name doesn’t fit your gender identity, I would feel honored to help you pick out a name that fits better. Tell me what you are looking for.”
If your child has already chosen Merle though and is stuck on it, I would respect that. Especially for a teenager, dismissing their new name will likely be perceived as dismissing their identity.
“I loved naming you when I thought you were my daughter. Now that I know that that name doesn’t fit your gender identity, I would feel honored to help you pick out a name that fits better. Tell me what you are looking for.”
That is so sweet. And a great piece of advice to the OP or anyone else in a similar situation,
I am going to just echo everyone else’s sentiments on Merle – I LOVE IT!!! It sounds classic and sophisticated, like Pearl.
I know a great girl named Zane, and it strikes me as a gender-neutral-sounding name, if keeping the Z is something Zoe would like to consider. Best wishes to you and your family!
Ooh, I like Zane! My experience has been that people who transition (which, admittedly, may not be the ultimate outcome here) often like to keep the same first initial. Zane has that great Z-sound, seems more in line with a younger person’s name, and is gender-neutral-skewing-male. I love it!
Agreed with so many of the wonderful commenters who are trying to humbly and gently suggest that this mother’s feelings are not all about the particular name’s style and sound, and are asking this mother to work hard to accept and celebrate her child’s (very legitimate, very worthy of celebration) choices around identity and name 100%.
I work&worked (a couple different positions with a couple different age groups) with queer and trans youth ages 13-24 who’ve been asked to leave, or who’ve left, their homes of origin because of lack of acceptance, or because of abuse. These are, of course, the worst outcomes, and it doesn’t sound like you’re there. And I don’t want to wrack you with guilt. But I do want to wrack you with a commitment to do better than your very best. This is so important.
It does in fact sound like “Merle” is precisely what your child is going for. “Neither a girl nor a boy” is an identity. Genderqueer, agender, pangender, and gender-fluid are identities. Transgender-masculine is an identity (and your child may someday lean in that direction or they may not). Any and all are legit and to be celebrated! Five years is not a phase. A month, when we’re talking about gender identity, is not a phase. Your child’s feelings about gender :are not: a phase, and yes, uttering this in their hearing will hurt to the core of their being, and will push rifts between you that may never heal. I am sure that you love your child. I am sure that you want to support and love them unconditionally, and want them to know that, and want them to preserve a relationship with you as they grow older.
And yes. Queer and trans youth in our country are struggling, and have likely been struggling internally long before they ever say anything to their loved ones. And yes, queer and trans youth have terrifying rates of suicide, self-harm, depression, bullying. Not because there’s :anything wrong with them at all:. But because our society’s been saying they’re wrong so intensely, so overwhelmingly, so subtly, in every advertisement or magazine or “boys will be boys” ever, that these feelings and fears about their wrongness runs deep. And their certainty about their lack of acceptance runs deep, and is often, devastatingly, on point.
So it’s beautiful and wonderful that your child feels safe enough and secure enough to speak up about their identity, and to talk about their name choice with you. Your job–for their sake and for yours–is to back them 100%. Your job is to bake cakes that say “we love you, Merle!”, and practice practice practice using the correct pronouns so that when you’re around them you slip up less, and to fight like an animal with anyone who hurts them or tells them they’re wrong.
Yes, I know it’s hard to let go of the conceptualization and plans you had for your child. Yes. But it’s a million times harder for them. And they need and deserve your support.
So!! TransActive, an organization in Portland that works with queer and trans youth and their families, is a great place to start for support, advice, and resources. They will be happy to take your call. :-) And a fantastic rising number of therapists are trained and experienced in these worlds and issues–I’d google “queer supportive therapists” or “trans supportive therapists” in your area, and start seeing one of them. I meant just you, but I’m sure that family counseling would be great too, and I hope that your child has great/supportive counseling/friends/resources around them, but if not, they would benefit from a similar resource!
Best of luck. :-). And so much love and support to Merle!
Great comment!
I wish there were a way to “like” comments on here, but there isn’t so let me just say that this was a wonderful comment!
Agreed!
Thank you so much for this comment – you just made me tear up!
As a trans person who changed my name at 22, I’ve been wondering when issues of gender identity were going to come up on this blog. I am really impressed by and appreciative of so many people’s comments.
To the OP, I don’t have much to add that hasn’t already been said. It sounds like you are coming from a good place and struggling with how to wrap your head around the fact that your child’s life is taking a different path than what you may have imagined. Five years is not a phase. Neither boy nor girl is a legitimate identity. I have many wonderful people in my life who identify as non-binary or genderqueer. Going to a PFLAG group for my parents of trans kids is something that helped my parents a LOT. My mom was scared and confused at first, and now is one of my biggest allies.
As far as the name goes, I like Merrill/Meryl, Merritt, Beryl, James, Jay/Jae. BUT the most important thing is that your child likes their chosen name. You may want to see if your kid is open to your input on choosing a gender-neutral name, but if not, you need to respect their choice because it will show that you accept their identity.
I’ve been thinking over this letter for the last few days as I wanted to put all my thoughts in with the appropriate emotion and thought. After I read your post, I no longer need to write mine.
I will add in the importance of using appropriate verbiage/nouns when Zoe figures out what she wants (and note, this may change). I am a pharmacist that works in the hospital and have had several transgendered patients where the doctors, nurses, and even family members continue to use their biological gender “she” or “her” when they choose to be “he” or “him”. Doctors continuing to refer to past name “Angie” vs. current name “Michael”. Without knowing these people, sometimes for more then minutes, I can see the hurt flicker through their eyes and hit them right at their core.
And for the record, I think Merle is a fabulous name if that is what Zoe wants :) I love the suggestion of a previous poster, “I loved picking your name when you were an infant and would love the honour in helping you choose a new name if you would be accepting of that”.
Good luck!
IRA – thank you for sharing your experiences and feelings :)
* And. I wrote this with the thought that your child had told you, or would soon tell you, the pronouns they prefer for themselves, but if not, asking them, then respecting that, is a great and loving step! <3
I <3 Lacey.
When I mentioned above that there may be times that you need to make note of your original name, it has never been for anything like a job interview! That would be sketchy. Where I have been asked was for blood donation (though it’s been years since I’ve donated now secondary to childbearing…), and I think somewhere on my taxes or passport application-unsure what but it was formal. Nothing whatsoever having to do w/ work. That didn’t even occur to me when I mentioned it… more so like if you opt to change your surname when you get married and occasionally get asked what other name/s you’d used previously. That’s what I was thinking of.
BTW, Zane is awesome. In fact, Zane Lewis sounds pretty snazzy. Good luck!
Leah – good points. The job application/interview scenario was the one brought up in the aforementioned debate and is sometimes an issue for the trans-people I’ve talked to. An employer may need to know if you have records (e.g. work, school, criminal, etc.) subject to verification under other names, but anything beyond that doesn’t count in that scenario (certain high-security or federal jobs excepted).
Like I said government forms, like the U.S. passport application, do ask such a question so the government can be sure you’re eligible for one (but said names do not appear on the passport itself). I’ve never seen such a question on a regular tax return though (unless you’re updating your name to reflect a change in the past year).
Blood donation was another case Swistle mentioned she was asked – but in her case it asked if you’ve ever donated under another name (so if you never donated when said name was yours it doesn’t count).
Also, you posted this reply in the wrong place (as a new post rather than a reply to mine).
Wow, this one struck home for me. My 17 year old Zoe has been using her 2nd middle name for the past couple of years & wants to change it legally. The 2nd middle name? Miller. She is also genderfluid somewhat. For me I think my kid should just go by the middle name & not hassle with the legal change, but my M thinks this is a terrible idea. The new middle names my kid has chosen are okay, but don’t have the meter and feel that I love, it’s a little choppy. We’ve developed a slew of nicknames such as Millipede, Mills, etc. and told her she can legally change it herself once she’s old enough.
So I kind of get where you are. I don’t watch Walking Dead, so I don’t know what the other commenters are talking about, but I did think of the classic film star Merle Oberon. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merle_Oberon She was beautiful! And I think Merle is gender neutral, which can be good for a kid who is genderfluid.
I think trying to change the mind of a 17 year old who wants to change their name is nigh impossible and you just have to go along & get used to it. You love the person, not the name, in the end. I changed my name as well, legally, to a nickname that I’d had for years. Initially my mother wasn’t pleased, but she gets compliments on my name now & she takes credit!
Good luck!