Dear Swistle,
I know your blog focuses on baby names, but I love your advice and I thought I’d write to you anyway. I’m getting divorced in February, and in my state, one can change their name completely to whatever she wants as part of the divorce process. I’m strongly considering dropping my married name, but not quite sure I want to just go back to my maiden name. I’m looking for last name advice.
I have a weird first name, Nechama (rhymes with pajama, c is silent, unless you can easily say the gutteral ‘ch’, as in ‘chanakah’). I love my name-it means ‘small comfort in hard times’, which fits me, I think. I was named for my great grandmother. I’m constantly spelling it for people, correcting pronunciation, and otherwise dealing with the complexities of a weird name, but I wouldn’t change it.
My last name, however….. My maiden name is Weinberger, which is also weird, hard to spell, hard to pronounce, and doesn’t always fit on forms. I never liked having two difficult names, and used to wish that my last name was Jones or something like that when I was a kid.
When I got married, my soon to be ex husband pressured me into taking his name, Greenwood. While I wasn’t happy about changing my name on feminist grounds, I really did enjoy having a easy to say, easy to spell name to pair with my first name, and I still sort of like the sound of ‘Nechama Greenwood’. Our marriage and his family was not easy, including abuse, and as much as ‘Nechama Greenwood’ is aesthetically pleasing to me, I don’t think I want to carry their name going forward. Similarly, my family is pretty dysfunctional and has been really sort of awful about my divorce, and I don’t feel like it’s emotionally important to me to go back to a family name.
I’m leaning towards an entirely new last name, and I’d love advice.
Some things I like/what I’m going for:
-easy to say and spell
-on the short side, probably no more than 3 syllables, max
-distinctive (I’m a researcher and want to have a name that’s somewhat memorable,so that articles I write are more easily found and identified as mine, something that happens with Greenwood, but might not with a “Jones” “Smith” or “Freeman” type name)
-reflective of my Jewish heritage without making me sound religious (I’m an atheist, and concerned that my very Yiddish first name paired with another very Yiddish/Jewish last name would make me sound like a religious extremist)
-nature names (though I don’t want to sound like I play drums in the woods on the reg; I do not)
-names that reference female strength, friendship etc
-I sorta liked the initials NW, but I’m not married to this
-I also sorta like nouns as names, again as long as i don’t sound like I’m drumming up a storm in my yurt.
-needs to work with Dr, in that Dr. Greenwood sounds like a person who might teach your ‘intro to something boring’ class in college, but Dr. Strength sounds like a Bond villain or member of the X-Men, and Dr. Love sounds like a porn star.Some things I want to avoid:
-With my weird first name, a lot of names I’ve thought of/friends have suggested sound like anime or cartoon characters (Nechama Wild: Avenging the world!), Hogworts professors (Nechama Nettles, the new potions teacher) or microbes (Nechama Forrest, a dangerous blight impacting old growth oak trees, causing their leaves to shrivel).
-too many new age vibes. I just can’t get up at a scientific conference and say “Hi, I’m Dr. Nechama CrystalWind FairyBreath, here to talk about my research…” Women in my field have to struggle to be taken seriously, which is a whole other topic I could also write you a very long letter about, but for naming’s sake, I do want to find something that commands as much respect as possible as a woman speaking to self-important men in suits.
-last names ending in a tend to sound bad with my first nameI’m sort of at a loss, and my divorce date is coming up soon, so i would really appreciate any help, advice or ideas.
Thank you very much,
Nechama
I enjoyed this letter very much. “Dr. Nechama CrystalWind FairyBreath”!
If your marriage/husband/in-laws held better associations for you, I might suggest shortening Greenwood to Green: it gives you a simple, short, dignified, nature-but-no-forest-drumming, noun-y, symbolic (green can symbolize newness, freshness) surname that would be distinct from your married name while not being completely new. (Wood might also be nice, and would give you the initials NW, but I think I’d get wearier of the puns.) But the mention of abuse makes me very hesitant to suggest any continuing tie to that family or family name.
I wonder if we could do something similar with your family’s surname. Weinberger could be shortened to Berg, which is not as pretty as Greenwood but is relatively simple and dignified. I think it might be fun to think of some iceberg-related symbolism to go with it.
I might salvage Forest from your list. It’s an interesting connection to Greenwood, and I think it sounds neutral-surname enough to avoid images of tree blight. Nechama Forest. Dr. Forest. Well, it does sound to me like a location, now that I write it out. Still, I’d keep it on the possibilities list for now. It sounds like a NICE location!
I also wonder about Pine. It has that nice tree connection; it’s simple; Dr. Pine sounds nice. It does sound a little bit like a variety of pine (Alberta Spruce, Douglas Fir, Nechama Pine), but again, I’d keep it on the possibilities list.
If I were in this situation, I think one thing that would be important to me would be a good explanation for the name. People don’t ask about my current surname every day, but it does come up fairly regularly: what country is it from, am I related to so-and-so, etc. When I was considering what to do with my surname at marriage, this entered into my decision: I found I didn’t want to answer, “Oh—no, my husband and I just chose that name when we got married.” I wanted the HISTORY—and I didn’t want to go up against the societal symbolisms and standards for surnames. I would have been okay with using a surname from higher up the branch of one of our family trees, however: I could have answered questions about that without feeling like I needed to say something I wouldn’t want to say (“We just liked the sound of it”). So that’s the next thing I’d suggest, especially since you mention wanting to reflect your Jewish heritage: is there anything else in your family tree you’d like to use? It might not be as aesthetically appealing as some of the other options, but it would have the compensating value of family and heritage—while getting a little distance from any current dysfunction.
Or are there other Jewish-heritage or non-Jewish-heritage names that would have meaning for you? People you admire, historical figures, important authors? For example, I would be a little tempted to use Martin after Judith Martin (Miss Manners), because I admire her so much. I might stay away from a name with such a strong association that I’d get asked about it frequently (“Brontë? As in the Brontë sisters?”), since that would bring us back to the part I’d want to avoid.
I wonder if you’d find this book useful: Baby Names Made Easy: The Complete Reverse-Dictionary of Baby Names. It has names sorted into categories such as Friendship, Strength, Nature, etc. The names are first names, but there are some that would work as surnames too. For example, under Friendship I found Alvin, which means “friend to elves.” Dr. Alvin doesn’t sound at all like Dr. Elf Friend, and yet, there it is, secretly! Or Winn means “friend” and gives you the initials NW (though Dr. Win is probably a bit much). Or Jordan! Religiously significant (I don’t know enough to know if this would be workable or not), but sounds neutrally name-y, too, and is easy to pronounce and spell. Nechama Jordan; Dr. Jordan.
My guess is that with your first name, even a very common surname will still give you an easily searchable/recognizable full name. Perhaps this would be a good opportunity to go for the Jones you once dreamed of!
Nechama West
Nechama Webster
Nechama Wakefield
Nechama Williams
Nechama Wolfgang
Please send an update when you’ve decided Nechama. Strength, humor & grace come thru in your letter to Swistle–I can’t help but want to know what you choose.
It might be too religious for you, but one of the most memorable – and dare I say coolest – last names I’ve ever encountered is Boaz. I’ve never forgotten it, and I only met the guy once. (And we have exactly zero mutual friends.) The meaning is debated; some sites say it means swiftness, and others say it means strength. Boaz was the name of the left column of Solomon’s Temple – a literal pillar of strength! And if there’s one thing you need in a divorce, it’s strength. (And swiftness!)
In full disclosure, I googled you. And you have quite a few papers where you are first or second author, which is awesome! A little part of me is concerned that you will lose attachment to those papers once you change your name. That being said, given your reasons, I completely understand your desire to have a name in mind. (Of course, maybe there are two people with your exact name, so um, yeah, that was awkward……)
I like Swistle’s suggestion of looking further up the family tree for a surname that you are connected to, but is different than your maiden name. You could also re-invent your maiden name to make it something that would work better? Respelling Wein to Wine and finding a second word to add something like garden to the end? Or you could respell it to Vine (since in German the W is pronounced more like a V).
Whatever you decide, I wish you luck in moving on. It takes a strong person to take abuse, but an even stronger one to say this isn’t right and to get out of the situation.
I worried about this, too (losing connection to past professional accomplishments). This may be completely naive, but is it possible to have them updated later? Changed to the new name?
Love this post!
Lane
Morrow
Lake
Meadows
Hunter
Waters
Snow
Braverman
Brooks
Cloud
Steel
Birch
Bridges
Bloom
Fields
Springfield
Ivy
Keys
I grew up next-door to a family called the Lockharts, and I’ve always considered it the perfect surname. It seems to have a lot of the qualities you’re looking for. I understand the “locked heart” thing may be a turnoff, but I see it as more “protecting” your heart after a difficult experience. If you choose to read into its significance that is. Lockhart sounds fanciful yet dignified enough to be a Doctor.
Some other suggestions:
Moore–no one misspells or mishears Moore, and there is a much more subtle nature tie-in. Only downside may be sound with your first name (does it run together?)
Meadows–I’ve only met one person with the last name Meadows, an elementary school teacher, and it was just perfect. “Miss Meadows”.
Rivers–Somehow adding an S to River makes it less hippie-ish, more proper surname.
Colour names–Building off your “married name”, perhaps you could find a colour besides green that resonates with you. I have several friends with colour-surnames and they’re lovely and easy to spell. My favourite unexpected colour surname is Golden.
Someone up above mentioned Waters, a classmate of mine from high school passed away and her last name was Winters. I just searched google to see if Winters was Jewish and it came back that Winter was so perhaps this works as it is also part of nature.
Nechama Winters, Dr. Winters
I say this is a new adventure in your life so why not choose a whole new name that will bring about newness and change and a last name that brings you a much happier feeling?!
Other suggestions,
Nechama Ford
Nechama Thorn
Nechama Clay
Nechama West
Nechama Fieldstone
Nechama Stone
Nechama Westwood
Nechama Reeds
Nechama Snowden
Nechama Atwood
Nechama Summerfield
Nechama Sandberry
Nechama Lakefield
Nechama Woodford!
Nechama Wakefield
I have a friend with the last name Winters and she is fond of the quote by Oscar Wilde “Wisdom comes with Winters”. I kind of love that tie -in (nature + wisdom).
First and foremost, I am so happy you have gotten out of a terrible and abusive relationship. It takes so much strength and I commend you for that.
On to names: I love your first name. I would go with something derived from your maiden name I think – Berg, Berger, and Weinberg are all a little easier than Weinberger, but I will confess that I don’t think Weinberger is that hard. That is unless you find something that you truly have a connection to. On that end, are there any family names – last names/first names/whatever. A father or grandfather named Jacob? Isaac? names like that would make for a nice surname.
Sending you lots of good vibes!
I very much enjoyed reading this letter. I think that for the sake of explaining my last name when it came up, I would try to travel up my family tree for something.
For instance, I could choose the maiden name of one of my grandmothers, and it’s a nice name, and it has some significance, but it is distant from the immediate people in my family, if I was trying to distance myself from them.
Maybe some other tree options would appeal to you? Linden or Rowan or Sylvan would be pretty =) Arden, maybe? Latin for “great forest” but the association with ardent “passionate, enthusiastic” is a nice positive one too!
Willow gets a little too new agey/fantasy for me with the movie, but how about Willoughby?
Is there a place in the world that speaks to you? Maybe you could pull a name from a location, street name, etc. Or a song lyric/ artist/ book? You have so many options! Can’t wait to find out what you choose for yourself!
I can understand wanting to be rid of the married name completely, but if you published under Nechama Greenwood, maybe keeping G as a middle initial (maybe used only for publishing) would make it clear you are the same person.
I don’t think Weinberger is hard to say or spell, so I’d recommend going back to that if you weren’t also feeling estranged from your birth family. I do like Winter, which someone else suggested. What I like about for you is that in addition to being a not-so-flaky nature name, it could be symbolic to you of a new start (the new year starts in winter, your divorce will be finalized in February): Nechama G. Winter?
An academic in my field who had a similar situation went from publishing under First Name Married to First name Married Last for a few years and then First Name Last once everyone had had their flip out. The initial thing seems like it might be a good tie, or even spelling it out for publication for a little while.
I would worry about this.
I know changing names is frowned upon for academic publishing reasons, although suddenly that sentiment seems kind of anti-feminist and annoying. (Male academics will almost never have to confront this issue, so of course there is no acceptable workaround/process for changing names in academia.) But the personal issues and identity issues at stake here seem to outweigh the professional ones (though that could depend on one’s place in the tenure grist mill), so I say change away! The best way to counteract this from a publishing standpoint might be to either publish under First Married New for a while before dropping Married (as someone mentioned above) or to just be extra conscientious about updating your publications on your professional/university website and/or relevant social media sites. It’s 2015: if I want to size up an academic, I’m going to Google first, not to a clunky name search on a literature index.
Good luck with your new chapter in life, Dr. FairyBreath! And come back to tell us what you decide!
Rimon is Hebrew for pomegranate, which seems like a fruitful, Jew-ish, female-positive choice! Nechama Rimon?
Also, Vered is Hebrew for rose. I like Nechama Vered a lot, especially for its (not-real, linguistically) tie to verity, veracity, and other words referring to honesty and truth.
In this situation, I think I would prefer a last name that had some connection to someone/something important to me.
Since your first name is after your g-grandmother, I wonder if her maiden name could work?
Would it be possible to use your middle name (or some variation of it) as a surname? Then you would either have no middle name, or could choose a new one. I think the middle position might have fewer restrictions, you could have fun with it since it’ll be mostly hidden. For example, Nechama Lynn Surname could become Nechama Fairybreath Lynn. Nechama Anne Surname could become something like Nechama Fairybreath Anson.
Another option might be to use a variation of your maiden name. Wine, Vine, etc. the Surname Datatbase website says that one possible origin of Weinberg (there wasn’t an entry for Weinberger) is an old term of endearment “Vinea” which translates to “sweet wine.” There are actually quite a few variations, so maybe something there will appeal to you. http://www.surnamedb.com/Surname/weinberg
I have a friend whose family used to have the surname of Weinberger (some still may), but upon coming into Ellis Island, it got shortened to Viner. This is short and simple, with pleasant associations; it’s served his family well.
I love this post too. :) Swistle, I’m really glad you posted and answered it! Nechama, I’m really glad you wrote in.
My first thought was, why not the Hebrew form of Weinberger? I know a couple of Israelis whose parents/grandparents changed their surnames to the Hebrew form of whatever they originally meant in German. Maybe this is too political for you? But if not, I think the Hebrew form of Weinberg(er) is actually really nice– Kerem. (They both mean Vineyard.) It does feel a bit “foreign” by American standards and might get mistaken for Karen all the time… But I like it.
I also thought of Worth, which is more virtue than nature… But would make a strong statement I think of personal empowerment.
Or: Wynne/Wynn, or Will?
Good luck! You write beautifully and I truly wish you all the best.
^ I also want to add that I think the Weinberger-into-Kerem solution could be an elegant means of quickly explaining to people why you changed your name, without necessarily having to get too personal– just simply saying, “It’s the Hebrew form of Weinberger” is a nice, simple, case-closed explanation (though then again, maybe it implies a devoutness you don’t have or don’t want to imply…)
I love the name Nechama, and I also want to commend you for getting out of the relationship!
I’m putting a * next to my favorites:
I liked the suggestion of Green, although you may want a name completely without associations of your ex. If you are open to it, Greenberg could be a good way of combining elements of both former surnames. Greenstein could also work.
W names:
*Nechama Wolf/Wolfe (Jewish + nature connection)
Nechama Woods (although it’s another ex name connection)
Nechama West
Nechama Wentworth
Nechama Winer/Weiner (but Whiner/Wiener associations)
Nechama Winters
Nechama Wilde
Other short/simple Jewish surnames:
*Nechama Klein
Nechama Stein
Nechama Jacobs
Nechama Schwartz
Nechama Cohen
Nechama Levy
Nechama Levine
Nechama Frank
Nechama Shor (sounds like “shore” so could have a nature/beach connection)
*Nechama Bloom (another nature name)
You could do Nechama Berg or Nechama Berger as a shortened version of your original name.
Color & nature names:
*Nechama Gold/Golden (also Jewish)
*Nechama Silver (also Jewish)
Nechama Rose (I know some Jews w/ this last name)
Nechama Brown
Nechama White (also a W)
Nechama Black
Nechama Clay
Nechama Rivers
Nechama Spruce
Oh, or Nechama Rosen for another Jewish/nature-ish option.
Love Rosen. Fabulous suggestion.
Oooh, so many good suggestions here!
I really love Nachama Winter! I have a colleague with the same first name as me, and her last name is Winter – I have always been a bit envious!
I also love the beautiful translations of Weinberger: Viner and Kerem are particiularly nice.
I thought of the actress Rashida Jones when Swistle mentioned Jones: For me, distinctive first name + common last name still equals a distinctive, memorable name.
And as others have commented – best wishes to you, and do please let us know what you decide!
I initially thought Winter as well. You could also do Vineyard as someone else commented that could be what Weinberger means. Another possibility would be the city you were born in or another city you lived in. You could also use the name of one of your universities.
Summary:
*Winter
*Vineyard
*city name
*university name
If you haven’t seen this article, I’d definitely recommend it to you: http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2015/01/the-politics-of-last-names-afghanistan/384217/. I think the connection of choosing your own surname to recent Jewish history is kind of nice. It also links to this, http://www.yivoencyclopedia.org/article.aspx/Names_and_Naming#id0eocac, which could work as a guide for finding a name that your 19th century ancestors might have picked.
I would like to suggest the surname Hill. Nechama Hill.
-Easy to say and spell
-One syllable
-Distinctive? Possibly not, but not hugely common either. You could also consider Hillman, Hilton or Hillyer but you lose some other the other characteristics that way.
-Reflective of heritage? Taking your maiden name Weinberger – ‘Berg’ translates to Mountain but can also mean Hill. I *think* Weinberger would literally be Wine-Hill-Man, i.e. someone from a mountainous wine-growing area. And at a stretch Hill or Hillman could be an English reference to the German name. (Mount would be better but doesn’t make a good surname).
-Nature names? Definitely a part of the natural environment
-Names that reference female strength, friendship etc? Not exactly, but a hill is something constant, stable, unchanging, and supportive, just like true friends are.
-Initials NW? No
-Nouns as names? Yes
-Works with Dr? Dr Hill sounds pretty professional to me
-Doesn’t sound too weird or new agey to me. Nechama Hill could possibly sound like a place name, however since hills aren’t usually named in my experience, I would firstly associate it as a name than as a place.
Good luck with whatever you choose.
Loved this post! Just reading this post, I can tell how strong of a person you are, Nechama.
So far, after reading the post and everyone’s comments, the names that stand out for me are Winters and Moore. For your middle name, perhaps you could keep the W. from your maiden name or the G. from your married name? I am a big fan of middle names or at least middle initials. :)
Dr. Nechama G. Moore
Dr. Nechama W. Moore
Dr. Nechama G. Winters
Dr. Nechama W. Winters
Dr. Nechama G. Williams
Dr. Nechama W. Williams
I threw Williams into the mix because you mentioned you like the initials NW and because my own maiden name was Williams. I loved it because it’s a strong name and most people know how to spell it themselves, but it is also very common. Your first name is so beautiful, and luckily its uniqueness means you could take a fairly common last name and your name would still be unique and most likely few others would share your name. I think in terms of academic publishing (which I am fairly familiar with due to my brother-in-law being a professor and published researcher), I believe as long as you update your website/social media with your publishings, people will not have trouble finding your work.
Please make sure to update us on your decision! Good luck!
I have a pain in the neck last name, lots of vowels, people spell it wrong even when I tell them the letters in it, in the right order, etc. I was thinking when I read your (very interesting) letter that one of the things I have liked about guys I have dated is when they have a nice easy name. I remember I went out with a guy whose last name is White, he just used to tell the hostess what his name was and they would just write it down, no questions. It was amazing, to me, after all those years of spelling K-E-H-O-E, no, K-EEEEEE-H… Anyway, then I thought White might be nice, it’s short, it’s not religious, it’s indicative of a fresh and clean start. Then I thought of the last name Beck, which might be a little short, so I thought of Becker. I don’t know if you are a baker, but Becker means ‘baker’, which I thought was interesting, and as a bonus, kind of Swistle-y! Good luck, I admire you for going what you’ve been through and coming out on the other side.
I immediately thought of Willow. Fills the “W” and the nature-ish theme. The symbolism or meaning behind willow is grace and flexibility. As a surname, I think I prefer to add an “s” to the end.
Nechama Willows. Dr. Willows.
I also LOVE LOVE LOVE the previous suggestion of Rosen. It is a sound surname but the Rose- portion of the name brings some gentle, femininity to your first name that can be more complicated to pronounce and spell. Nechama Rosen. Dr. Rosen.
Good luck and for sure keep us updated!!
My maiden name is Weinberg (which was actually “anglicized” at Ellis Island from something much, much more German/Yiddish if you can believe it). My parents had a coffee table book about stars who you didn’t know were Jewish with a list of their given names (like Michael Landon was born Eugene Maurice Orowitz). For some reason, as a kid, I always thought about what I would genericize my name to if I were famous long ago. I always felt like it would be insulting to my heritage to change it completely so I tried to shorten Weinberg: Weber, Wener, Weir, Wing. You have a little more leeway with the extra -er at the end of your name so you could come up with more combos. Ever think about just shortening it?
I have a W last name to recommend: Weaver. I know an acquaintance with this last name, and it always comes across as very professional and pleasant to the ear to me. I think(?) it’s Jewish, but doesn’t have to be. You could spin it to mean whatever you want; I like that you’re weaving a new life for yourself. Plus there’s a type of bird called a weaver, so there’s also a nature connection…Nachama Weaver. Dr. Weaver. Perfect! Good luck, and please do update us.
So, I was thinking about how the German/Yiddish form of Greenwood (and likely the original name from your ex’s side, I’m guessing) is Grunewald/Grünewald/Gruenewald. What if you took “Wald” from there? It means woods or forest in German and Yiddish, it’s short and easy to say/spell, it’s close enough to your married name that it’s not a total shock to the system for the people in your life and who read your work, starts with W, it’s Jewish but not TOO Jewish … it has a lot going for it, I think!
OR you could lengthen it a bit and go for Walden. Still Jewish but not screamingly so, the Thoreau/nature connection is nice, and it certainly sounds authoritative. Dr. Wald. Dr. Walden. Nachama Wald. Nechama Walden. I would totally trust your professional opinion — after I stopped to consider what a nice name you had!
This is my favorite!
I also love the idea of going further up the family tree to find a beloved gran’s maiden name, or something. (Or a beloved relative’s first name, depending on how it fits.)
How about Newberg? A nod to your maiden name, but also a fresh start.
I also thought immediately of Rosen. As a non-religious Jew myself (basically an atheist, though admit to being a culinary Jew), I understand not wanting to sound overly Jewish while wanting to honor the heritage. It’s a balance. I also thought of Katz or Katzen. Best wishes; congratulations on your new start!
I had an absolute gem of a maternity doc called Dr. Greenberg. I think it’s a lovely last name and allows you to pinch a bit from each of your (soon to be former) last names.
Also like Winters and Rosen. And Snow, by the by.
Best of luck with your decision! Do update us.
I think Swistle had great advice, but I thought I’d share my experience. My mother didn’t want to return to her maiden name & didn’t want to keep her married name either. I was nearly 30 when they divorced & she mentioned it to me because she didn’t know what to do. I suggested she choose another family name she did like, and she did, going with the maiden name of her favorite relative. She’s been happy with it ever since. It’s nice to have a historical connection sometimes, it does reflect ancestry is familiar so it seems to somehow “fit”.