Leah writes:
My husband and I are hoping you can help us with a naming decision that is causing us a lot of trepidation. I have been reading your posts for a while now, and have yet to come across another problem like it. It is the kind of problem adoptive parents of older children face, and I’m wondering if your readers wouldn’t have some helpful insight, as well.
We have been incredibly blessed to have guardianship of two beautiful, young children who are not biologically related to us. Recently, their biological parents’ rights were terminated, which opens the door for us to adopt them. We are thrilled.
The problem is that both children have names that we are not very fond of. We have already settled that the younger child, an infant, will be renamed at the time of adoption. Our conundrum lies with the older sibling, who is a twenty seven month old girl.
Because I would like to maintain her anonymity, I will refer to her as D’Ahnyttah Rose (pronounced Donetta Rose). This name mirrors her given name in many ways, and the issues with her name as we see them follow:
1. It is difficult to spell. I often have to spell it 3 or 4 times to people before they get it right.
2. The pronunciation of her name is not obvious. If her name is printed somewhere people always have to ask how it is pronounced, which gets tedious.
3. She was given her name by someone who, for all intents and purposes, abandoned her, so I feel like the name has a lot of baggage associated with it.
4. Her middle name is for a biological relative who is now incarcerated for a violent crime.We really can’t see leaving her name as it is now. So these are our options, as we see them:
1. Change her first name so that it is phonetically correct (i.e. Donetta), keep her middle name and leave it at that.
2. Change her first name to something that is similar to her given name but more pleasing to us (Donna or maybe even Danielle), although we aren’t really in love with any of the obvious options.
3. Using a derivative nickname (like Nettie) may be an option, as there are a couple of nice choices, but we still don’t LOVE any of them.
4. Use her middle name, which we like quite a bit. We are, however, very concerned about the negative association.
5. Choose an entirely new name (i.e. Hazel Grace) as we have for her sibling.Of course there are lots of other things to consider, the least of which being is it even OK to rename a two year old? I know we can, but I am concerned that it may further confuse our daughter, or at least take some serious getting used to on her part. Everything else aside, the ultimate goal is to come to a decision that causes the least amount of stress to her in the long run.
It’s difficult: I can offer an opinion, but I don’t feel I have enough personal experience with it to be confident in that opinion. If a group of people who had had their names changed at adoption told me that it was a terrible mistake, I’d change my opinion on the subject immediately. And of course the particulars of the individual situation factor into it hugely.
But after that lead-in, I will say that it seems okay to me as long as the child is quite young. SPIN seems important: a name-change could seem like it’s a way to erase or hide the old self or the old family (and in fact adults do sometimes change their names for those very reasons)—or it can be seen as a mark of bonding/transition/welcoming into a new family (as when any new baby is named, or as when a person takes a new surname at marriage, or as when a person takes a new name as part of a religious or cultural transition).
Age two still seems okay to me (my nephew is two, and I can picture his parents changing his name without traumatizing him), though I’d try to make the transition easier by not switching all at once. Depending on the personality and age of the child, I might come up with a story: something along the lines of “Now that you are in our family forever, you will have your special new name!”—or books on adoption may have other tried-and-true suggestions. With a two-year-old, I might save the stories for later questions and instead just start calling the child by both names for awhile: D’Ahnyttah-Hazel for awhile, then maybe Hazel-D’Ahnyttah, then sometimes dropping the D’Ahnyttah and sometimes still including it, then eventually dropping the D’Ahnyttah entirely around the time she starts referring to herself by the new name and/or responding to it consistently and without wrinkled brows.
Let’s talk for a minute about the middle name. If it honors a relative currently incarcerated for a violent crime, that in itself doesn’t put me off. Circumstances matter tremendously: the type of crime, the situation surrounding it, the type of person the relative is. And of course that’s getting well outside the scope of what would be appropriate to discuss on the blog. I will give a couple of examples, though, to demonstrate the kind of thing I mean. In one situation, let’s say the relative in question had been badly and hurtfully wronged by a spouse and had attacked that spouse in a one-time, out-of-character fit of passion, but that this person was otherwise a wonderful and loving person with strong family connections, someone likely to be involved in your child’s life in the years to come. Well, then, their name is still good, and I wouldn’t even mind moving it to the first name position. Let’s say instead that the relative in question is a manipulative mooching person with a long history of betrayals and bad deeds that finally culminated in a robbery that went wrong and ended with a terrible injury to an innocent person, and yet this relative is still acting self-pitying about the whole thing and trying to mooch money out of relatives. Well, then, I’m inclined to ditch the name. The line is probably here: can you tell this relative’s story in a way that doesn’t make the child embarrassed to have the name? That is, can this be, “Yes, Rose was the name of your aunt when you were born”? Or must the violent crime come into it, and is the violent crime an upsetting one that would make the child feel tainted by association?
I like your idea of searching for a name that has some connection to the original name. That is, if the child’s name really were D’Ahnyttah Rose, changing it to something like Etta Rose seems like a very nice compromise. I think I’d abandon the goal of being in love with the name in this case, since so many other goals need to take precedence. I think if I were you, my goal would be to find a name that solved the main issues while also being a big leap up the spectrum of my own taste in names.
I think I’m drawn most to any solution that feels like a compromise. For example, if I picture you instead focusing on finding a first name you’re in love with, then I like the idea of keeping D’Ahnyttah as the middle name. Names can be so tied in with identity that even though she’s only two I wonder if later on she might prefer to still own some of her original name. With other questions that involved adoptions, I notice I pretty much always come down on the side of keeping the original name (ideally with original spelling) in the name SOMEWHERE: even though there is baggage associated with the child’s origins, the child might feel those origins are still his or her property, and/or that those origins don’t reflect badly on the name or on herself/himself.
If you like the middle name, one option is to switch the middle and first. Rose D’Ahnyttah.
One factor to consider here is that her sibling will be completely renamed. I’m not sure what effect that will have later on: right now, of course, the infant doesn’t care at all; when the girls are older and hearing their stories and asking questions, it might factor in. If you change one sister’s name completely but only partly change the other’s, probably it’s plenty of explanation to say, “Because Hazel was older and knew her name, but Olive was only a baby and didn’t know her name yet.”
Or one possibility to consider is to make the same decision for both girls’ names: former first names in the middle name position, with new first names for both, for example; or D’Ahnyttah Rose and Neveah Grace become Etta Rose and Norah Grace, or Rose D’Ahnyttah and Grace Neveah. Again, I would rank LOVE of the name rather low here, and aim mostly for the relief of a name I liked Significantly Better. Or perhaps both girls could be given entirely new full names, with the love of the name ranking high: they are the daughters you love, and you are giving them names you love.
I really don’t know what would be best. It’s so hard to know what the girls themselves will think of things later: this whole thing could be a big shrug to them, or it could be of huge symbolic importance to them (with any of the choices leaving plenty of room for either positive or negative symbolism, so that your choice can be spun as The Wrong One no matter WHAT you chose to do), and we can’t know that ahead of time. And it’s not as if The Right Way To Do Adoption is carved in stone for us anywhere: situations are different, and the current feelings about What Is Best change all the time and never do fit everyone anyway, and different people see different actions as symbolizing different things. None of us has an answer that is right for all people in all situations.
I notice my opinion shifts around quite a bit when I imagine “what generally seems right” versus “how I might feel if it were me.” When I’m thinking generally about what seems important, I feel like it’s a good idea to keep their original names in their names somewhere. But if I picture it being actually me making the decision about actual children I love, it suddenly gets more challenging: my actual inclination is to make those babies MINE by naming them. Or wait, what if I imagine a good future relationship with the children’s starting family? Then I like the idea of tying our families together: a name from them, a name from us. Or what if the original names are special to me because those were the names the children had when I grew to love them? I might want that part of our history together represented. Or what if I imagine adopting my nephew and niece? Then I want them to keep their own names, because those names are THEIRS and part of who they ARE. It’s confusing.
I think this all goes back to spin. I think that ANY decision you make about the names can be made with love and loving intentions and loving symbolism, and that the important thing is to communicate that love and those intentions and that symbolism when you tell the girls their naming stories.
My sister is adopted (though she was an infant at the time) and my family knows a lot of adopted kids. It’s common for adopted children to have their birth names in the middle name slot. In this case, you could even have the child keep both birth names (two middle names), with a new first name that you love. If Rose has too much baggage associated with it, then i would drop it. Update the spelling if you like, though in that position I don’t think it’s a non-issue. Most paperwork only requires a middle initial. There isn’t one right answer to this, but you will be the only parent she remembers, so it’s not too late to change her name if that’s what you decide to do.
This is such an interesting problem– and I’m surprised I don’t have a gut response. I placed a baby for adoption almost 5 years ago (after leaving an abusive marriage), but he was an infant right out of the hospital, so his parents named him. For his middle name they used the name I would have given him had I kept him. For his first name they used my maiden name. I felt so honored. I would have still placed him with them even if they had named him something I didn’t like, but I really felt valued because of the way they named him. If you don’t like either of the names they were given, I wonder if you could choose names for either first, middle, or both that represented the family they came from– i.e. maiden name, name of the birth mother, middle name of birth mother, etc. That would both honor the family they came from and make your girls feel a connection to them that is important I think.
On the other hand, now I happen to be remarried with two little girls– my oldest happens to be 27 months old I can not imagine handing her another name and her getting that very quickly. She very much knows her name. She responds quickly to it and says it very often. I’m sure I could change it, but I’m not sure how easily would adapt. Especially if there was already some possible trauma from foster care and separation from her family of origin.
But still, I think I would change it because I’m such a name person I would die having to say a name I hated over and over again for the rest of my life. If I changed it, I would definitely follow Swistle’s advise and call her both her old and new name together for quite a while until she gets the new one down.
One more idea– my 2 year old is really into her children’s books– what if you picked a name you loved from one of her favorite children’s books and then just started calling her that. Like, “Should we call you Olivia like the girl in this book?” “Wouldn’t that be fun?” And then just start calling her that sometimes and see how that goes… I’d love to see what you end up doing!
This is such an interesting problem– and I’m surprised I don’t have a gut response. I placed a baby for adoption almost 5 years ago (after leaving an abusive marriage), but he was an infant right out of the hospital, so his parents named him. For his middle name they used the name I would have given him had I kept him. For his first name they used my maiden name. I felt so honored. I would have still placed him with them even if they had named him something I didn’t like, but I really felt valued because of the way they named him. If you don’t like either of the names they were given, I wonder if you could choose names for either first, middle, or both that represented the family they came from– i.e. maiden name, name of the birth mother, middle name of birth mother, etc. That would both honor the family they came from and make your girls feel a connection to them that is important I think.
On the other hand, now I happen to be remarried with two little girls– my oldest happens to be 27 months old I can not imagine handing her another name and her getting that very quickly. She very much knows her name. She responds quickly to it and says it very often. I’m sure I could change it, but I’m not sure how easily would adapt. Especially if there was already some possible trauma from foster care and separation from her family of origin.
But still, I think I would change it because I’m such a name person I would die having to say a name I hated over and over again for the rest of my life. If I changed it, I would definitely follow Swistle’s advise and call her both her old and new name together for quite a while until she gets the new one down.
One more idea– my 2 year old is really into her children’s books– what if you picked a name you loved from one of her favorite children’s books and then just started calling her that. Like, “Should we call you Olivia like the girl in this book?” “Wouldn’t that be fun?” And then just start calling her that sometimes and see how that goes… I’d love to see what you end up doing!
I would keep it consistent between the sisters. I’m not sure if the two girls have the same biological parents, but I think regardless, you should treat their names the same way. I completely understand the desire to change the full name of the infant and the complications that arise with her sister who is older. But I think of it this way – when both girls are older, and one has a drastically different name style than the other, they are bound to ask questions. If I was in their place, it would remind me that there was something different about me and my sister. If I was the younger, I might feel like I didn’t get to “keep” my original given name because I was placed so young and that perhaps my bio family means less than my sister’s bio family. If I was the older, I might feel that my parents feel differently about me than my sister because they chose to keep my given name.
Adoption is complicated and everyone has different feelings and reactions to things, so I would try to keep things as consistent as possible. If I was in your situation (and we do hope to adopt someday) I think I would choose a new first name and keep the middle name as a birth family name (either first or middle) for both girls.
This is a really unique situation and I have to admit I’m not entirely sure what to advise. I do agree with Rachel in that I think the important thing here is to treat both girls the same depending on what the circumstances require. Either change both girls’ names slightly or completely, but I don’t know if I would change one completely without the other. I think you could even bring your 27 month old into the naming process and ask if she’d like to help you pick new names for herself and her sister as part of the transition to your family. I loved the suggestion of “Donetta” becoming Etta. I don’t envy you such a tricky situation! I think the important thing to remember is you are bringing these girls into your family and perfection in naming will take the back seat to a transition you feel good about.
I’m torn about this. Certainly at 2 years old the child is aware that she is named “D’Ahnyttah” (or the phonetic equivalent). I don’t know anything about psychology but I worry about the effects that a new identity may have on a child that has already experienced some troubles in her life. I don’t think using her middle name would be an option because, unless she is regularly called “D’Ahnyttah Rose” it would still sound foreign to her ears.
On the other hand, her name might make her stand out in the family (if you have more children that are named something of a very different style) and affect her future, especially if it’s a mispelt, “downmarket” name.
My solution:
1. Change the spelling of the first name to something more adult, since obviously she has no idea of “letters” at this point.
[ Feel free to change her middle name or add another one (I’m assuming she doesn’t go by her full name, anyway). ]
3. If you really dislike the name, try to **gradually** introduce a nickname that’s more to your liking (Etta; Netty; Dannie; DR — or something more creative/reflecting of her personality, like Sunny or Happy or Ace).
[Another option could be to start call her by her first and (new?) middle *together*, and maybe occasionally drop the first name (D’Ahnyttah Lily –> Etta Lily —> Lily). ]
4. When she’s old enough, ask her if she would like to legally change her name.
Wow, what a complex topic. Swistle does a great job of examining it from many different angles and I agree with everything she writes.
One more thing to consider– Are the children of a different race from you and/or your husband? Are they from a minority race with a history of persecution from the majority in the US, and are you from the majority? If so, I would also examine the issue of their name from a cultural perspective. Changing your older daughter’s name (and I guess the younger one’s too) would send a definite signal, intentional or not, that might misinterpreted by others from the community they have left, or by the girls themselves when they are older, that their names were unacceptable to your family. It would be sad if they grew up and felt angry or like their identities had been taken from them/suppressed by the name change. In your shoes, I would try to tread carefully and considerately (as you seem to be doing) in the hopes the girls won’t feel down the road that you couldn’t accept them without a name change and the assimilation that implies.
That said, I completely agree that the older girl’s name sounds both difficult and potentially limiting for her. My solution would be to move both the current first and middle names to the middle name(s) slot, and pick a first name that is both appealing and also culturally significant– so they don’t feel someday that you changed their names only because they were unacceptably ethnic. Using new names that are still common or significant in their birth cultures sends the signal that it was the spellings that were the problem, not the culture. I am going to assume the girls have African American heritage based on Donetta’s name and the spelling, and here are some names I thought of that have significance in AA history and culture, or are commonly used by AA parents, and might be easier to live with day to day than Donetta and its difficult spelling:
Rosa (for Rosa Parks, and also incorporates the original middle name, which could be dropped in favor of Rosa “Donetta”)
Iman/Imani
Ebony
Raven
Ella (like Ella Fitzgerald)
Anika (traditional African American name used since the 1800s)
Kenya (easy to spell, appealing sound)
Nia
Aisha/Isha/Ayesha
Bell (for bell hooks, a great black feminist scholar)
Sojourner (pretty out there, and probably hard to spell, but I love it. Sojourner Truth was extraordinary)
Jamaica
Tanzania (I went to school with a Tanzania who used the nickname Tanzie, really cute)
Mae (Mae Jemison, first black female astronaut)
Jasmine
Jade
Jada
Josephine (like Josephine Baker)
Willow
Or if she also has Hispanic heritage, maybe a Spanish language choice? Like Paloma, Luisa, Camila…
I would avoid choosing a popular name that is ethnically very “white”, like Caitlin/Katelyn/Kaitlin, Emily/Emma, Madeline, Abby, Hannah, etc. You can google “whitest names” for a list of names that are hardly ever used by people of color according to stats.
I hope nothing in my post causes offense. The girls sound extraordinarily lucky to be in your lives, and I wish you all the best of luck for the future! Please let us know what you end up picking/deciding– I for one am really curious.
I did some more googling for “race neutral names” and found some others that are crossovers or used by parents of diverse backgrounds according to various websites (including NYC’s list, which breaks down popular names by race):
Talia
Natasha
Arielle
Veronica
Gabrielle
Danielle
London
Arianna
Madison
Malia
Victoria
Mia
Nadia
This post is out of date but gives a good idea of what I’m talking about: http://www.babynamewizard.com/archives/2005/11/neutral-colors
I also thought of Alice for Alice Walker, Maya for Maya Angelou, Antonia for Toni Morrison (who was actually born Chloe), Jamaica for Jamaica Kincaid, Zora for Zora Neale Hurston, Zadie for Zadie Smith, Gwendolyn for Gwendolyn Brooks, Althea for Althea Gibson, Nina for Nina Simone, Cecily for Cecily Tyson, Audre or Audrey for Audre Lorde, Pearl for Pearl Bailey…
Do any of these appeal?
I also wondered about the race question, and agree that it’s something worth taking into consideration if the children are a different race than you.
It seems like you could try out a couple of options for the older child and see how she responds. Does she like the idea of having a new name (and maybe keeping an informal record of D’Ahnyttah as a “secret name” she can enjoy knowing about later?) Is she very attached to the sound of her name? Is there a nickname she responds to just as well, that you can attach a new formal name to? If she identifies strongly with the sound of her name, I would lean toward keeping it but re-spelling it.
I don’t think you need to do the same thing with both sisters’ names: the explanation that Donetta already knew her name so you didn’t want to change it should be enough for both. If Donetta ends up keeping her first name, I’d give her a new middle name (instead of Rose or in addition to) so that both girls will have a name that you chose just for them because you loved it.
I do know a family who has adopted several children, ranging from toddlers to teens. Older kids were given an option of changing their names. This included first/middle & last. They all chose to keep their first names, some dropped or changed the middle & one kept their bio surname, while the others all changed to the adopted family’s surnames. I say all this to illustrate that this issue is different for everybody. Even when kids are old enough to have a choice, those choices are going to be very different. As a parent, you do the best you can with what you know now.
So, what this family did with all the younger children (both about 2 down when adopted) was to drop both 1st & middle. One child went by first/last initials. In that case, the parents chose a new first name with the same initial, moved the surname to the middle spot and added the family’s surname. They simply started sometimes referring to “TJ” by his new first name, as well as by the old nickname. Once he got used to the new name, they dropped TJ completely. He honestly never seemed to notice/mind.
With the other child, let’s say “Carl”, they started calling him C or baby C. The new name started with D (we’ll say Dennis) and they slowly transitioned to calling him D or baby D. Then they introduced Dennis. It worked out well because he was about the age where you start reading ABC books to kids, so whenever they got to D they would make a big fuss about how that was “his letter, for Dennis” Since they had kept the other younger child’s surname as a middle, they decided to do the same for Dennis, with the thought that it allowed both kids to keep a connection to their bio families.
In your situation, I think you would want to change D’Ahnyttah’s name since you are changing her sister’s name. It just doesn’t seem right to change one but not the other. In my mind, it needs to be an all or nothing deal. Since you like the middle name, I’d probably keep it. As she gets older, you can decide what/how much to tell her about the relative she’s named for based on what you think she is ready to hear. My only hesitation to this would be if the crime was particularly horrible (murder, rape, child molestation) and you think it could be traumatic for her to know about. Pick a first name you like & then play around with them. You’ll have a period of transition where she’s called both D’ahnyttah Rose and Newname Rose and then use Newname Rose and then just Newname. I also like the idea of using something that sounds similar, like Etta. Etta could be short for a lot of things, and I think it’d be OK to even stretch the nickname a bit. Charlotte & Elizabeth both come to mind. Or maybe do the whole letter/initial thing like my friends did if you think it would work. D name to T or C or E name perhaps?
Another option I’ve heard of people doing is to give both girls first & middle names from both sides of your family and explain it as ceremonial way to welcome them to the family.
I agree with Swistle that finding a name you love shouldn’t be the main goal. Finding a name you like/can live with, without the problems of the current name is more important.
What a conflicted position to be in. I agree with Swistle that there are so many variables in play, you cannot possibly predict how the children will come to connect with their names, changed or not. I think the most important thing is that whatever decision is made comes from a place of love, and that message gets communicated to the children over and over (and over) as they grow.
My brother and I grew up in a related situation and our names were not changed. This didn’t bother me, but I didn’t feel a huge connection to the names and didn’t feel that their history reflected on me. I kept the surname until marriage. My brother was much more affected by this and eventually changed his names (middle and last) as an adult and after many years of consideration.
My point is, each child and each situation is different, so all you can do is make what you feel is the best decision with the information you have right now.
Names give us roots. They help us feel connected to our families, they provide us with a sense of belonging and a sense of self. Do what comes from the heart and gives your children a positive start.
Best of luck!
Thank you for putting what I wanted to say into such beautiful terms!
You can’t predict how either child will respond to the name change, so the best thing might be not to worry too much about that. It seems like there isn’t a consensus on this issue, so in a sense, you can’t really go “wrong.” The best any parent can do is love their children and make a thoughtful choice that they can explain to them when they’re old enough to understand.
I do think it might be nice for both girls to receive the same treatment with their names, regardless of what you decide. I lean more towards changing both names to something more pleasing and convenient because I don’t think a two-year-old would mind much. There is something about getting a new name along with a new start in a new family that makes intuitive sense. You might also find an adoption blog/forum and pose your question there to get more feedback from a different perspective, if you haven’t already.
Either way, congratulations on your daughters!
I like the idea of making the spelling of the name more intuitive should you chose to keep it- I think it can only help her as it will be easier for people to spell and say. A spelling change will also probably mitigate any backlash she may get from people who judge “creative” or different spellings of names (admittedly there are a lot of people like that out there).
Congrats on your new daughters!
I know of a family that had an open adoption but it was different because the baby was adopted at infancy. They gave the birth mother two first names and she selected one of those and then chose the middle on her own.
I am trying to think of this in a what would I do if it were me. I would change the first name and start out by calling her by both of the names and slowly dropping the original. I would probably leave the middle name or slide the original first to the middle slot and spelling it so it is easy for most people to get right the first time. I don’t think there is a right answer though. It’s really what you feel most comfortable with and I think Swistle’s done an excellent job of going over the different options.
In my line of work I have worked with lots of kids who were adopted (some as infants, some as toddlers, some as older kids). I’m sure you will make the decision that is right for your family, but as you asked for advice I would suggest that you give your older daughter a new first name if you like and keep her current first and middle names as middle names.
I would suggest this because you are not going to know what your older daughter’s wishes are for several more years, and even then her wishes may change. This option gives her the most choices for her name -throughout her life – she can go by the name you gave her, the name her first parent(s) gave her, or even just by her initials or a nick name for any of her names.
I would also suggest this for your younger daughter. Even though she doesn’t know her current name, you also don’t know what her preferences will be yet and it may turn out to be important to her to have her original name still honored by a middle name spot. (She also may not want anything to do with her original names – it’s an unknown at this point.)
Many adopted kids feel that if their first parents chose not to/could not take care of them then there must be something wrong with them (the kids). This is part of the trauma of adoption for many kids, and even kids adopted as infants sometimes struggle with these issues. (The trauma comes not from being adopted by you but from feeling/being rejected by their first parent(s).)
I wish you and your family the best.
I’m so glad you wrote! Swistle does a nice job of putting herself in every pair of shoes here, but I’ll throw my oar in, too.
Our family has adopted twice. Our son we renamed as soon as he came home from the hospital. At finalization, his paperwork reflected his old name (instead of “Baby Smith”) and his new name. If he ever asks if he had another name, we’ll tell him, “Yes, your birthmother loved you so much she didn’t want your paperwork to just say ‘Baby’.” As Swistle put it, it’s all about spin.
Let me preface this next part with this: there is a big difference between a thoughtful birthmother who has generously and lovingly made an adoption plan and someone who has had their rights permanently removed because of neglect or worse. A caring birthparent gets a lot more consideration in my book.
Our daughter came to us at two years and four months old. She’d never met us before, seen our faces, or been told anything about us. The first time we met her, we called her by a nickname and her new name together (imagine if LaQuisha was her name but went by Kiki sometimes… we called her ‘Kiki-Birdie’). We said it probably eighty times the first evening. The second day, we called her Kiki-Birdie once, and then dropped Kiki altogether. That night, she said, “But I’m Kiki!” when I called her Birdie. “You’re right!” I praised her. “But you’re also Birdie!” And with a kiss on the head and a big hug, she never mentioned it again. It’s been almost a year, and she remembers nothing of her old name. Nothing. Happily, she was completely removed from anyone who would call her ‘Kiki’ or ‘LaQuisha’. That makes a big difference, too.
We talked to our social worker and other experts at length before ever meeting Birdie, and the consensus was definite. Give her a new name! Consciously and subconsciously, she has a totally new identity and is free from a horrible old life.
Since your daughters have known you at length and have had positive memories with YOU, it’s hard to say what the right answer is here. Perhaps a nickname in common with the old name (DeeDee for D’Ahnyttah) that progresses over a week to Deliah. One thing that I would strongly advise is not too make the transition long and drawn out… she’s two; she’ll adjust quickly. And, honestly, the sooner the better for everyone; it’ll make the termination of rights and the adoption FEEL final.
Congratulations on your amazing daughters! What a blessing for your whole family! Please let us know what you decide!
I think options 2 and 3 could all be rolled out gradually pretty easily. If you changed her name to Danielle, for instance, you could start calling her Dani every now and then and more and more often. Same with Nettie, if you keep the first name. I’d definitely change the spelling. At 2, she probably wouldn’t even notice that. As for going with the middle name, I agree it depends on the details of the back story about the relative, and you could do that gradually as well, calling her Donetta Rose more and more often, and then eventually dropping Donetta.
I don’t think the names of the two girls do need to change in a completely parallel way. Depending on the names different solutions might apply. But I would try to get some commonality, each girl keeps some part of her original name for instance, but not necessarily the same part. Good luck!
I think the majority opinion is that there is no real “right” answer here, and I’d agree. I like the idea of some sort of compromise like a phonetic respelling or variation of her name–I love Etta Rose , Nettie, or even Dawn Etta. But I think you’re right to want to change her name to make things easier for her later on and I think I would feel the same way about wanting to choose a name that you felt fits with your family since she is such a big part of it. By all the thought you’re putting into it, it seems like you are a great mother looking out for their well being so whatever you choose should work out just fine.
Based on the comments, it sounds like there are lots of ways to get a 2 year old used to a new name, so I would focus on how to make sure that whatever you end up deciding becomes a positive part of both girls’ life stories in a way that will work for them not just as toddlers but as teenagers and adults as well. If you were adopting from a foreign country, it would be fairly easy to say “Your Russian/Chinese/Ethiopian name is ______, but when we adopted we named you _______ because always loved that name.” I’d try to find a similar story about D’Ahnyttah, and take the time to teach her how to spell it, and treat it like an important and positive part of her history, even if it disappears off of her legal paperwork. Kids love having secret names.
So, I know someone going through something very similar. The little girl is almost two, but has been with the adopted parent since 8 months. At that time, it was strictly a foster placement, as the little girl had been abandoned by her mother. They were looking for a bio relative to take her, and it was never supposed to be permanent. Therefore, she was always called by her given name. There is nothing ”wrong” with her name, but it’s a little dated. Very popular 60s/70s name.
Once it started seeming like no bio relative was going to step up to the plate, adoption began to look like an option. And of course, by this time, she and her foster mom were very bonded.
So, foster mom gradually began referring to her as a shortened version of her full name. Now that the adoption is being finalized, they are going to change her name to the full version of the nickname. So, if the girl’s name was, say, Emily, they’ve been calling her Milly, and will change her name to Camilla and still call her Milly. Whew! It was hard to think of an example. :)
They are also changing her middle name to a virtue name (like Grace) that many of the women in the family have. Adoptive mom’s biological daughter, for instance, will have the same middle name.
Anyway, I thought it ended up being a nice compromise! Good luck and congratulations!
While I like the idea of a completely new first name of my choosing and the original first name (respelled to be more phonetic) in the middle spot, I have to say if it were me I would probably rename both children entirely new names of my choosing. They are a part of YOUR family now. If my husband and I died and our almost-two-year-old went to another couple who I have never met or known, I wouldn’t care what they renamed him as long as he was loved and cared for because that is the most important thing. You can always spin the new name thing into something positive.
I know that this is a tough situation. I have relatives who have been in your shoes, but you know your kids and your family best and are the best one to make the decision. Good luck! <3
Wow, I really hope for an update on this one!
First, congrats to your family. I have a friend who went through the foster-to-adoption transition and I know it can be a slow, difficult process. I’m so happy for you and these girls! They’ve clearly landed with a family who cares about them very deeply to be considering all the ramifications of naming.
As everyone has echoed, I’d do the same thing for both girls. I think that would be easier later on if the girls have questions about their adoptions. I also love the idea suggested above of choosing a name with importance or history in their race.
Good luck to you and your family!
I like what The Mrs. and Emily had to say. Telling your daughter that you wanted her as your own and changed her name to one you love sounds perfect. I agree with The Mrs, call her by both names or nicknames briefly, then drop the “other” name. D’Ahnyttah not only has an unpleasant association of her former life with a parent who abandoned her but it’s burden. Emily said something very interesting. Why not give the girls middle names that honor your family, after all, they are your girls.
I definitely don’t think changing a two-year-old’s name would be easy – my 26 month old is very clear what his name is and associates himself strongly with it. My first choice of the options would be going with something like Etta Rose. Or even Etta (or Donna or anything close to or a nickname of the existing name) with a middle name of your choosing. I certainly don’t think you have to keep the whole name, and I can’t imagine keeping the spelling – it seems like it would be a very hard name to deal with as a student when she starts school.
It is encouraging, though, to read stories in the comments of actual adoptions where the name was easily changed, so maybe my two-year-old isn’t the best comparison. After all, we selected the name, so we’re the ones who emphasize it and basically “taught” him to be proud of it. Perhaps, with your encouragement, Donnetta could become equally proud of her new name, should you choose to go that route.
I think that we like to make big issues out of not huge issues. I agree with swistle it is about the spin. If it was me, I would choose the names you want for your children no different than if you were having them on your own. I know someone who changed the name of her two year old boy and decided to do something completely different in style and he is fine no issues. You love your children tell them the truth and it will work out.
I disagree. A childhood friend of mine was adopted as a toddler from a foreign country and given a new name by her parents that in no way reflected her birth culture. I knew her growing up under the adopted name, then we lost touch as teenagers when we went to different high schools. A few years ago I got a friend request on Facebook from someone whose name I didn’t recognize, though the surname was familiar. It turned out to be her– she had decided when she turned 18 to legally change her first name back to the one she was born with. I think this at least partially arose out of larger issues she had as a child in her adoptive family, but it does give me pause. I wouldn’t dismiss the concerns raised by the original letter writer as easily as you do. It’s commendable that she is considering her daughter’s feelings and the ethical implications of a name change.
Also, the one example I raised is extreme, but in thinking about it, I know two other transcultural adoptees who both use their non-English birth names in the middle name spot on Facebook (for example, they list themselves as something like “Emily Mei-Lin Peterson” and “Andrew Nguyen O’Keefe”).
I do know lots of people who chose to switch back to a more ethnic or unusual name in college after trying to “normalize” their name in K-12, because frankly one thing you learn both as you mature and as you get exposed to a wider variety of people is to be more tolerant of diversity in names. But I think as long as the parents don’t give the girls the impression that their original names were rejected as not good enough, they’ll be able to play with the identity aspects of creatively spelled names as much as they want later on without it feeling like a rejection of their parents.
Are you and/or your daughter seeing any counselors/therapists who might specialize in adoption issues? If so, I might have a discussion with them about how a potential name change might work for this particular child, her history and her disposition, as well as what the amount of contact going forward she will have with her birth family. I think those things might have some bearing on the situation, so someone who knows the particulars and has experience with adoption might have more input.
I belong to an Infertility/Adoption group, and when this issue has come up in the past, there have been widely varying perspectives represented, but the overall consensus has been to proceed with great caution and lots of advice-seeking and deliberation before you change a name… and it sounds like you’re doing that!
The spelling would drive me absolutely crazy, too, in your shoes, while at the same time I would not feel right changing a two-year-old’s name because the name is a part of their identity at that point… and you want them to feel like they can continue to be who they have been, past included, as you encourage their transition into being a member of your family. So much is changing for her already – I wouldn’t want to change the name you are calling your daughter, too. But, as a 2-year-old, she does not have any current allegiance to the spelling of her name, and reworking that to something that is more livable for you (and her) seems like it might be a good choice — D’Ahnyttah legally becoming Donetta would not even be noticeable by a 2-year-old, and in a way it makes it easier for her to preserve her name: seeing D’Ahnyttah would be pronounced by me more like Duh-Ah-NIGHT-ah not DAWN-eht-ah… and if her name is DAWN-eht-ah, then Donetta might make much more sense as a visual representation of her name.
However, other commenters have touched on the fact that there are cultural issues at play here – a name like your daughter’s is one that reads as a culturally African-American name, and the spelling seems like it’s at least a part of that, so rejecting that may later feel to her like rejecting a part of her past. Anyway, I would definitely try hard to make the minimum changes you need to do to feel yourself comfortable with your daughter’s name.
In your shoes, I would therefore opt for option 1 – a legal name change to something that on paper more closely resembles the name as this little girl has known it so far. That having been done, I might slowly start to explore different nicknames for her name, like calling her Etta or Nettie or her middle name sometimes – whichever is your favorite of the options, even though you don’t love them and they wouldn’t be the names you’d chose out of the whole universe of names. I think around this age or a little older is when nicknames really come into their own, and kids really start to get the idea that they have nicknames that are distinct from their full legal name that might be used by different people in their lives. Some permutation may catch and stick well for her.
I would think it’s okay to proceed differently with the different siblings, owing to their different ages and different attachments to their names as an infant and a toddler. I would perhaps keep the birth name of the younger sibling somewhere in the full legal name, to mirror the same respect for her origins that you’re showing her big sister, but otherwise, I think it’s okay to treat each kid individually. I know a family who adopted a large sibling group from foster care, and the younger kids have the adoptive parents surname, the oldest has a hyphenation, and the middle one kept her birth surname entirely. When D’Ahnyttah is older and better able to participate in the discussion, you could certainly revisit these issues: of whether she wants to keep the middle name for the incarcerated relative, for example, or if she wants to take on Etta/Nettie/Donna as a legal name because that’s what she exclusively goes by now, etc.
I want to add that this is very much a “what would feel right to me if I put myself into the situation”, response above, and not a judgement of someone who decides differently.
I think you are clearly putting a lot of thought into doing this in a sensitive way that acknowledges the many issues with each course of action, and that really is the most important thing of all. I am sure that whatever you chose, you will be able to explain your choice well to your daughter throughout her childhood and adulthood.
My family has adopted seven children, ranging in age from newborn to eight years old. We changed their names—first and middle. There was a lot of crime in the birth families. The name change gave them protection from their birth families, who were abusive. All the social workers involved encouraged the change. The change also reflected my family’s higher education; none of the new names were spelled “creatively”.
Before the adoption, we read through Genesis in family devotions. We read of Abram’s name being changed to Abraham: Sarai to Sarah, Jacob to Israel, Joseph to Zaphnath-Paaneah. We also read of Saul to Paul, Hadassah to Esther, Hoshea to Joshua, Simon to Cephas, etc. The children understood the concept and were excited about it.
The process was easy. We never had to use double barreled names to transition. The children were proud to be named for adopted relatives who loved and cared for them. And they loved knowing the stories behind their names: meanings, Bible characters, historical heroes. They hadn’t had that before. (The only information we knew about their birth names was negative, and we didn’t know about the rest of the names.)
For the oldest boy, who was eight, we looked for a new named that began with the same sound as his old name. He ended up suggesting the very name we were considering! He found it in his English book.
It has been many years, and we have never had problems with the name change. As long as your daughter’s birth name is never a secret from her, she should be fine. It should be up to her to tell people her birth name.
Historically, name changes are normal. In American Indian tribes, adoption and coming of age included a name change. Roman Catholic children choose another name at confirmation.
My opinion is:
1) Whatever you do, do it for both girls.
2) Give your daughters names you love.
3) Be open about it with the girls.
4) Changing your daughter’s name will not take away from the good you are doing her in adopting her.
I think this is a good point about a name change protecting your children’s identities if their birth names are highly distinctive. Even if abuse is not an issue, I imagine it would be nice to put control over who can find you and when into your and eventually your daughters’ own hands, without having to worry about what happens the first time one of the girls sets up a facebook account (or whatever the equivalent will be by the time they’re old enough).
I know someone who adopted a two year old and initially planned not to change her name and after 6 months regretted that choice and picked a new first name, moving the original first name into the middle name slot. The transition went pretty smoothly, in my opinion. They did exactly what Swistle suggested and started calling her by her original first name and new first name second, then eventually started switching the two names, and after a while dropped using the middle name (which was the original first name) in regular conversation. So they went from calling her Donnetta Rose, to Rose Donnetta, to just Rose. I think they did it over a period of a few weeks. Yes, it has the potential to be confusing for a child so you’d have to probably go slow. But a huge number of families who adopt internationally choose to change their child’s name and people have made it work. The biggest thing will be explaining to the child as they get older the reasons you changed it and helping her understand that it wasn’t out of disrespect for her birth family. I am about to adopt a preschool aged child internationally and am definitely considering changing her name. I imagine myself explaining that dreaming about what I would name my child is something I did long before she arrived in our family and that it was something so special that I wanted to be able to give her, that I had been anticipating her arrival for a long time.
Very insightful comments. I know a couple who has fostered, then adopted, nine children. Two of the older children ended up with name changes (one slight, another completely different), but I have a bad, unintentional habit of still referring to them by their original names. Luckily for me, no one seems confused or annoyed. With that being said, all of my children recognized their names at the age of two, and my 20-month old granddaughter recognizes her 7-letter name when she sees it. So, I’m having an emotional reaction to the thought of someone changing her name and generating confusion for her. Personally, I like the idea of using your daughter’s name with the phonetically correct spelling and using a name you absolutely love that has special meaning for the middle name. That’s my opinion, based on no credentials or experience whatsover. :)
My husband and I were foster parents for many years and eventually adopted a sibling group of 3. We’d had them from the time they were infants–we even picked up the younger 2 from the NICU (their birth mom kept having babies!) We adopted them when they were 4, 3, and 1 and changed their names. The right to name a child belongs only to the parents; the opportunity occurs rarely in a lifetime. We chose Biblical names similar to the names they had originally been given and middle names significant in our family. We chose names used by families of both their race and ours. Mainly, we chose names we LOVED. They are 14, 13, and 11 now and they still, like all children, love to hear the story of how we chose their names. They also know their adoption story, which includes the fact that they had different names before they permanently joined our family. This has, so far, not been an issue.
Not sure if this has already been mentioned, I haven’t read through all the comments yet . . . I have a 2.5 year old who is called many different things, including his own name. We are big nicknamers. He has many nicknames, one of which we just started a month ago and are currently calling him much more often then his real name. It is not even remotely related to his real name, yet he has no problems adapting to it this constant changing of nicknames. I think changing a 2 year olds name wouldn’t be an issue and they would adapt quickly. Good luck!
This is a difficult situation, but you should focus on what an amazing thing you are doing and continue doing what feels right in your heart. As Swistle said, advise for others vs. what you would actually do for yourself can sometimes be two completely different things.
I was adopted as an infant (different situation as my biological mother was very young when she had me and placed me up for adoption right away) and my parents renamed me. My mom choose the name that she loved, I recently found out a few years ago what my biological name was and found that it was really interesting and neat to know that I had another name, at least legally. But, I consider my adoptive family MY FAMILY and I am glad that my name is one that my parents choose rather than a stranger that gave birth to me.
The one neat thing is that both my name now and the one that my biological mother gave me started with the same letter (purely by coincidence). So perhaps you could do that? D’Ahnyttah Rose…. you could choose two new names but keep the same initials. Some cultures do that with their honour names, and when your girls are older you could tell them the same, that you wanted to give them new names as they officially became part of the family symbolizing that they are your children now, but you still wanted to honour their past so you kept the first initials the same.
I agree with many other readers, you should do the same for both. Yes the transition will be easier for the infant, but you don’t want the older of the two to feel as though she mattered less or that it wasn’t as important to you to change her name to a “new family name” as it was the younger. This I feel is 100% needed. Some children transition easily being adopted and others have a more difficult time, feeling that they were not wanted or that they were abandoned. You need to make sure that both of them are given the same opportunities, which I think starts with their names.
I think you have many good options and ideas listed above. Moving the first name to the middle or keeping the middle names the same, like I mentioned keep the initials the same as their biological name. OR you could go with completely brand new names that you guys love…. after all, these are your children (DNA doesn’t mean anything… it’s all about family and who loves you) so I think that if you choose names that you love because these are your children that you love then you are absolutely 100% right in doing so.
Good luck and I hope all turns out well :) Congratulations on your NEWish family!
Many people struggle with feelings of alienation at various points in their lives, but transcultural* adoptees often feel an acute sense of not belonging to either their birth culture or the culture in which they were raised. To my mind, letting your daughters hold on to their birth names in some way would signal that you value ALL of the things that make them who they are. How would you feel about moving their first names into the middle slot? Middle names are rarely ever used unless an individual (or a parent) wants to emphasize them. In the future, your elder daughter could use her new first name exclusively, her new name + the initial of her birth name, or just her birth name. By keeping her birth name (or names) in the middle slot(s), you’d grant her the choice to define her selfhood in terms that feel right to her. This could change at different points in her life too. It would also allow you to choose a first name that you really love. You have the added benefit of knowing her personality already, so you can choose a first name that really suits her and your family. Your family and your culture will be a big part of her life too, so I think it makes sense that you acknowledge that as well, just without eliminating the identity she was born into.
*I used the word transcultural rather than transracial because it sounds like your socio-economic circumstances are quite different and you do not explicitly state that you have different racial heritage, although most readers have inferred as such.
It’s a hard decision, and while I think the comments of those who have adopted children in similar situations is helpful, you might want to speak to different adoptees. And I think whoever recommended going to an adoption board made a pretty great suggestion.
I know adoptees (transracial) who have struggled with their stories even though they love their families very much. I think in this situation I would either opt to keep the kids’ names as is with more phonetic spellings OR move the first and middle names into the middle name slot – spelled as they are and give them first names that are meaningful to you or that you love. Eventually your daughters may decide that they want to use their original names, or that they love their given names so much that they drop the other middle names, but this way seems to leave the most options. For what it is worth, my friends’ family has adopted three foster kids (after three bio kids) and continues to act as a foster and they’ve kept the kids’ original names. That said, the kids were also older at the time of adoption. I think the oldest was 10 when she was adopted, the other two were adopted in the range of 6 or so. They all were given the adoptive family’s last name.
My gut says keep the two-year-old’s name as it is pronounced and change the spelling. My son at that age was very clear on what his name was and loved using it. “FOHDUN! That’s FOHDUN!” when he saw himself in a mirror or in a picture. (That’s how he pronounced it, not how it’s spelled, which is “Gordon with an F”)
For the baby, do what feels good to you, she’s not bonded to the name in the way that the two-year-old is.
I have several friends that have adopted. One has adopted from overseas and they have given their new children an American name of their choice with their former name as their middle name. But both of these children were foundlings so they have no idea what their birth name was, they were named in the orphanage.
The other family has adopted older children through foster care. Last year they adopted a 14 year old boy and after discussing it with him changed his name. They brought a name to the table and told him the meanings and why they chose this name and he was able to decide if he wanted it or not. They are now in the process of adopting a sibling group ranging from age 4 to 9 and the children are all excited about getting new names. My friend is incorporating part of their original name into their new name, i.e. Olivia Madison is now Faith Olivia and A.J. is now Andrew James.
I would give them new names as part of becoming an official part of your family, but take the child in consideration and use at least some of their original name as their new name. D’Ahnyttah Rose can become Hazel Rose or Hazel Donetta.
We know a family that adopted 4 girls, ranging from 4-7 when the adoption was final. They had them for almost 2 years, and once it became apparent that they were adopting, they began to talk with the girls about new names. So, the adoptive parents came up with a bunch of names, and it was a joint process. They talked about it a little, and then as the adoption date came nearer, they finalized all the names. The youngest one wound up with a name that worked as a nickname for the biological name, but not really (same unusual letter in there). The older ones all changed it completely. Happy to be with the family and what not.
If possible, I think I’d try to do something similar for both girls. And I love the idea of factoring in any cultural/racial identity too. Out of all the suggestions in the post and comments, I like the idea of using bio name or something related for the middle name, and new non-baggage names for the first names. Let us know what you choose!
And I echo all the kudos to you for taking the time to consider all these factors :) Best of luck!
Skipping past the other replies, though I’m giving personal experience so I doubt it will be repeat information. :)
My little sister came to us as a foster placement when she was 19 months old. She became available for adoption when she was 3 years old and my parents adopted her a month later.
My parents decided to change the name she’d been given at birth for various reasons I won’t go into here. This is what we did: Let’s pretend that her given name was Emily Madison. (I’m picking random names from the Top 10; her actual name was MUCH more Googleable.) We called her “Emily” until she was adopted. After she was adopted, we changed her name to, say, Sophia Emily. (Again, not her real name.) For the first several months, we called her by the double-barreled name as often as we could, though we sometimes still called her “Emily” out of habit. Once we all got used to “Sophia Emily”, we started calling her just “Sophia”, though the double-barreled name comes out sometimes as a pet name.
Anyway, she never had a problem with it, it was relatively easy for all of us to adjust, and our friends and relatives went along with it fine. She’s still only 7, so maybe when she’s a teenager she’ll wish we’d kept her old name, but so far she seems to like her name. (I don’t know if she remembers her old name at all or not.)