Tysen writes:

I don’t know how it took me this long to find your site but it is the single best naming resource I have seen in 8 months of searching that is entering panic phase, I really appreciate the insightful (and non-judgemental) approach of your and your readers. Here is my dilemma and I am hoping you can help: I am due March 9 with our first baby. We do not know the sex. I feel that my parents set an impossible bar because they gave me a very unique name that I have grown to love: Tysen (yes I am the mother). I have spent my whole life being complimented on my name, people commenting how surprised they are when I show up (I work in construction and they always expect a guy). My husband has an uncommon family name and goes by his initials. I feel big pressure to come up with a great girls name though I know “unique” names are more the norm and am fine if it is not utterly original.

My husband and I have settled on a boy’s name, Xavier. This is the only matter of taste he and I have ever agreed on when it came up while we were dating years ago, he has backed of it but I am insisting we should name a son Xavier in honor of the blessed occasion of our only spontaneous agreement. We just completed renovations on our house without ever agreeing on one single thing: paint, furniture, counters…you get the idea. I like all things unusual and he likes traditional. He strongly favors family names, though there are some slim pickings on the female side in this regard. On his list of likes are Alexandra, Angela and Nicola (nikki). I like the sound of those, but they are far to common for me. Nicola might work, but I think of the 50 Nicoles I know.  Like one of the posts I saw from a previous reader, I think he thinks of the girls he knows from college and can’t break out of the box. I might be making too much of this, but I am passionate about travel and languages and having diverse interests and have a very strong aversion to naming my kid (esp. daughter) something too common or conventional.

I have been doing battle for Sloane for months and am close to giving up. Other names I love that are out:  Lane, Rory, Evan , Ellis, Elliette (vetoed because we know people with these names or close to them).  Avery (too trendy). Other names I like that I am considering to put on the table are: Emery, Owen, Lowen, Emerson, Auri and Cole. Lennox is one I just saw tonight and am liking but might be tough with baby’s last name (Arnold) and might be a weird boxer theme with my name? Cameron is on our very short list of mutual consideration.

I am reluctant to suggest any of this latest name crop  now and have them get shot down summarily as every other name I had pitched for the past 8.5 months. Family names that I could probably get approval for are Hunter (trying to get buy in that this works for a girl) or McNeill.

So do you have any tips on what names might work for both of us or any thoughts on which ones of these are the strongest to your ears? I am so frustrated now that I don’t even know what I like, I  suddenly feel for the US congressmen trying to find a  ugly compromise that pleases nobody.  I think something Scottish or Irish could satisfy the family part but I haven’t found the right one yet. Do you have any tips on how to strategically broach the polar opposite taste issue? My only current idea is to hope he will take pity on me after watching the birth and agree to something I like that is not too outrageous.

Help!!!

I think it can help in discussions to separate out each parent’s preferences, to make it more clear when one parent is getting something or giving something up, and to make it more clear when both preferences can’t simultaneously be satisfied and so there is a need for bargaining and compromise. “Okay, well, I know you want to use a family name, but then maybe we can go with my preference of having it be an unusual name.” “Okay, so what if we use the traditional, common, feminine family name you’d like to use, but we’ll put it in the middle name position—and then maybe we can go less common for the first name, as I’d prefer.” “How about this: it can be clearly feminine, as you want it to be—but then very unusual, as I want it to be.” “How about this: we’ll choose something more familiar, as you want—but something unisex, as I’d prefer.”

I think it can also help to have parents choose from each other’s lists. It’s easy for one parent to just say no to every name they hear the other one say; better progress can sometimes be made by trying exercises where each parent MUST choose their top three from the other parent’s list. It shifts the mindset from “This name isn’t a name I came up with, so it’s automatically out before I’ve even really let it sink in” to “What names that THEY like do I ALSO like?” And it would be helpful to know which of the names from your lists he finds even slightly tolerable: from there, perhaps you could find something he likes even more.

You might make some headway by explaining that your wish to choose an unusual name for a daughter is a sort of family-name situation for you: not merely an issue of personal taste but of carrying on a new tradition.

The main difference I notice in your tastes is that you like unisex/boyish names and he likes very feminine names. If you plan to have more than one child, it will save suffering later to spend some time now sketching out a rough concept of how you’d like those names to go. It’s difficult to picture sisters named Nicola and Evan, or Hunter and Alexandra. It’s also useful to think ahead about sibling combinations such as Xavier and Hunter, where Hunter is a girl; or Xavier and Cole, where Cole is a girl.

From your list, I think you will find Emerson and Cameron too common for your tastes. They’re a bit stealthy on the charts, because of all the different spellings. And because they’re used for boys as well as for girls (especially Cameron), that dramatically increases the chances of two in a classroom.

I think what I’d do is look at each name on your lists and try to find something similar that might interest the other parent. For example, you have Owen on your list, which is very uncommon for girls (only 17 new baby girls named Owen in 2011, according to the Social Security Administration) and would in fact make a nice brother name for an Xavier. You also have Lowen, which has a more feminine sound but unfortunately also has a Lindsay Lohen association. Would Rowan also be to your tastes, while also being more feminine for your husband’s tastes? Or Gwendolyn? Or Elowen? Or Bronwyn? Naomi? Cleo? Romilly? Imogen?

Or, he has Alexandra on his list. I wonder if we could shift that to something more unusual like Anastasia or Athena or Azalea or Lissandra or Allegra or Artemisia or Arabella or Antonia or Aviva. It combines his preference for feminine with your preference for unusual.

Which brings me to another possible type of compromise: you could use a name he likes, but something with a nickname you like. For example, you could name her Alexandra but call her Xander. He could still use the full name if he preferred, and the two of you could agree on a plan for what you’d use as the default for relatives and preschool and so forth. (At some point, she will get involved in that decision as well.) A name like Augusta is feminine but unusual, and would give you Gus. Francesca would give you Frank. Frederika or Winifred would give you Freddie.

I see you have Rory and Auri; would you like Aurora? It’s quite feminine, quite unusual, and you could use both Rory and Auri as nicknames.

Or Lorelei.

If you like Sloane, I wonder if you’d like Simone?

Nicola seems like a very good compromise name to me. Nicole was in or around the Top 10 all through the ’70s and ’80s, but now it’s not even in the Top 100—and Nicola isn’t even in the Top 1000. Nicola McNeill Arnold, Nicola Hunter Arnold, Nicola Lennox Arnold.

Or do you like Annika? It sounds like Nicola, but without all those moms named Nicole.

Name update!

We had a boy and named him Xavier.

H. writes:

Just yesterday I actually broke down and cried over trying to figure out a name for our third baby boy–I took this as a sign that I need some help. I am due in early April 2013 and my darling husband and I are at an impasse. My oldest son (from a previous marriage) is Grady Owen Lanser. I love his name. I loved it when I first stumbled upon it 10 years ago and have never had a single regret–naming him was blissfully easy.

My second son is Mason Cruz Sousa, a name we decided on while I was 5cm dilated and hours from birthing him, clearly not a strategy I would advise to anyone. It took us about a month to realize we hated the name Cruz, and though he is two years old now, we have decided that we are going to have his middle name legally changed this year (haven’t quite decided yet–Noah and Everett are contenders). And though I have liked the name Mason for a very long time, we did not spend enough time saying it with our last name–Mason Sousa, too many “s” sounds running together. His name, I do regret.

I am terrified that we will once again end up in the same crazed, in-labor, no-name-ready place we were with our second.

So this is where we are. I like: Beau, Everett, Noah, Levi, Leo, Garrett, Jonah and Wyatt, all of which he doesn’t want to use for one reason or another.

He likes: Marshall, Phillip, Logan, and Dylan, though he is pushing hard for Marshall. Actually, I don’t mind Marshall, but I am concerned about the nicknames he might endure (Marshmallow, Marsh), and I also didn’t want two kids whose names start with the same letter (Mason and Marshall–too similar?) or two names that are both two syllable ending in “n” (Mason and Logan)

If we had had a girl, our possibilities were: Gigi, Vivian, Stella, Josephine and Maryn (pronounced Mare-in), names we definitely could agree on.

If you can offer any assistance, I would be forever grateful.

Everett from your list and Phillip from his makes me think of Elliot. Elliot Sousa; Grady, Mason, and Elliot. A new name beginning and a new name ending!

Or there’s Emmett. Emmett Sousa; Grady, Mason, and Emmett.

The name Phillip Sousa brings John Philip Sousa to mind. It’s by no means a negative association, nor was it very strong for me (for a minute I thought, “Hm, something about Phillip Sousa rings half a bell, I wonder why?”), but it’s something I’d want to consider before choosing the name.

Would Mitchell work better than Marshall? It still starts with M, but seems much less matchy than Mas/Mars. I went to school with a Mitchell/Mitch who was so smart and kind, it’s left me with a very good impression of the name.

I also went to school with a boy who went by his surname Marshall (we had a lot of Jasons, and there was a bit of a scramble to come up with alternative names), and I don’t remember marsh or marshmallow coming up. On the other hand, I was only in one elementary classroom with him, and by high school a lot of that stuff is over, so I could have missed it.

Levi and Leo make me think of Liam. Liam Sousa; Grady, Mason, and Liam.

Garrett and Dylan make me think of Darien. Darien Sousa; Grady, Mason, and Darien. It repeats the -n ending of Mason, but having an extra syllable reduces the impact of that for me.

Or Deacon. Deacon Sousa; Grady, Mason, and Deacon.

Noah and Dylan make me think of Nolan. Again it repeats the -n ending of Mason, but I still like it—and so many boy names end in N. Nolan Sousa; Grady, Mason, and Nolan.

Beau and Dylan make me think of Dean. Dean Sousa; Grady, Mason, and Dean.

If it would be fun to repeat the two syllables and and five letters and long-A, I wonder if you’d like Caleb. Caleb Sousa; Grady, Mason, and Caleb. Each name has its own distinct beginning, ending, and consonant sounds, but they feel like a very good set of brothers. Jacob would be similar.

Because Grady and Mason can both be surnames, I’m inclined toward other surname names. Tanner, perhaps. Tanner Sousa; Grady, Mason, and Tanner.

Or Bennett! Bennett Sousa; Grady, Mason, and Bennett.

Or Carter. Carter Sousa; Grady, Mason, and Carter.

Or Clark. Clark Sousa; Grady, Mason, and Clark.

Parker. Parker Sousa; Grady, Mason, and Parker.

Calvin. Calvin Sousa; Grady, Mason, and Calvin.

For Mason’s new middle name, Noah seems to blend/repeat too much (the -n/N- of Mason Noah, and then the -ah/-a of Noah Sousa), especially in a name where you’re already sorry about too many S sounds. It all runs together for me: Maysa-noa-sousa. I love Mason Everett Sousa. At first I thought the MES initials were going to seem too much like “mess,” but then I remembered I’ve encountered those initials regularly on an institution and I’ve never once thought of “mess,” so it must not come to mind even for those of us who tend to be a bit oversensitive to such things. Another possibility, if your husband is very keen on Marshall but it turns out you just don’t want to use it as a first name, is to use that as the middle name: Mason Marshall Sousa.

Name update! H. writes:

I just wanted to give you an update–we had the baby on 4/8/13, so our naming dilemmas are finally over : ) For our two year old, we decided to change his middle name to Everett, so Mason Everett Sousa, and the new baby is Ethan Noah Sousa. When he was born, he was so much softer and sweeter than any of the names on our list–Marshall was definitely not going to work and even my husband agreed even though he had been set on the name! After a day of watching him, hubby threw out Ethan and we both knew it was perfect for out little darling. So my three boys are Grady, Mason and Ethan and I couldn’t be happier. Thanks so much to you and your readers for all of your suggestions–we spent days mulling them over!

Tiffanie writes:

I came across your blog this summer and love the input and insight you and your readers give to expecting parents! I’m 21 weeks along and am hoping you might have to time to help my husband and I agree on a name for our little boy that is due mid-June.

My name is Tiffanie and my husband’s name is Ryan. Our last name is Terry.

Finding a girls name was a piece of cake. By the end of the first trimester, and after only discussing names off and on briefly, we had picked out Emmeline Rose. Agreeing on a boys name, however, has been a totally different story. I’m dead set on naming my son after my father whose name is Rex. I’ve always known I’ve wanted to honor my father this way, and I also want to pass along a name from my side of the family. My husband is on board, but isn’t sure he likes it as the child’s first name. His favorite dog growing up was named Rex and he fears having a son with the same name will just be odd.

I’ve suggested calling our son by his middle name instead of Rex. My husband thinks we should use Rex as a middle name, but now that my dad was diagnosed with cancer this year, I feel even more strongly about Rex being the first name. Maybe I’m just overly emotional because of the pregnancy hormones, but deep down in my heart, I really want Rex as the first name.

Now, getting to our naming issue, we can’t find a middle name, which will be the name we’ll most likely call our son by, that seems right with Rex. We both don’t want a name that can also be mistaken for a last name. My husband gets called Terry Ryan all the time. He would love a name that is a fairly obvious first name. (Although, I never would have thought Ryan would be mistaken for a last name, but it does!)

Rex Harvey is the only contender we currently have and both like. I worry Rex and Harvey are both such “old” and uncommon names that it is just too much. But, I just love the way it sounds!

Other names we have considered, but vetoed:
Noel
Dierks
Scout
Grady
Milo
Everett

I’m not too found of using a popular name. I didn’t like having to be called Tiffanie D. all through school because there were four other Tiffany’s in my class and wouldn’t want any of my children to have to do that.

Any help or insight you and your readers could share would be oh-so wonderful! I’m just so overwhelmed with the name game! (also, i apologize for the length of this e-mail)

Because your husband is uncertain about the name Rex, I think it should be the middle name. That’s a lovely and significant place for an honor name, and seems like the sensible place for a name you’re not planning to use: better to put it in the middle name position, and then maybe find pleasingly that you do occasionally use it with the first name: “Hey, Grady Rex, time for dinner!”

Using Rex as the middle name also sets you up nicely for future children: if you have another child and want to use another honor name but as the middle name this time, it won’t seem like a lesser honor. And if your husband thinks of a relative he’d like to honor as the next child’s first name, but you don’t like the name for a first name, you won’t feel like you’re stuck returning the favor.

You have your reasons for wanting to use the name as a first name, but a baby’s name is a decision for both parents to make. If your husband were insisting on naming the baby after himself or after his own father, or if he were insisting on using another name he’d always wanted to use, I would be reminding you right now that you didn’t have to go along with that: just because one parent feels strongly about using a name or naming tradition, that doesn’t mean one parent gets to make the decision all on his or her own.

It can help to picture the tables turned: imagine if you were having a girl, and your husband were insisting on naming her after his mother (or grandmother or aunt or sister, if coincidentally you like your mother-in-law’s name enough to ruin the example), even though you weren’t sure about it. It wouldn’t really matter how strongly he felt about it, I would still be saying it was not up to him, and that using the name as a middle name was the perfect way for two people to compromise. Then you can work together on choosing your child’s first name, so that it will be special to both of you instead of to only one of you.

If the name Rex were out of the picture, what would your joint name list look like? Are there names that have been vetoed because they didn’t work as middle names with Rex? I’d suggest bringing those back into consideration. This may mean starting from scratch, since the rhythm of ____ Rex Terry is quite different than the rhythm of Rex ____ Terry. You may find you suddenly have many more names to choose from.

With a surname that can also be a first name, no name is going to completely prevent the names sometimes getting swapped—but you’re right that some names will cause less of a problem than others. Grady and Everett and Dierks can look like surnames, for example, but Milo doesn’t as much. The problem is compounded by your wish to find an unusual first name: if I saw “Henry Terry” I wouldn’t think it was likely that the name was actually supposed to be Terry Henry, because Henry is a common first name right now and Terry is not. But if I saw “Harvey Terry,” I would be less certain: Harvey is a very uncommon name right now, even less common than Terry (according to the Social Security Administration, in 2011 there were 472 new baby boys named Terry and 243 new baby boys named Harvey), so I’d be less certain.

This may mean making a choice between two preferences. Almost every name has a hassle of one sort or another; would you prefer the “Henry T.” type of hassle or the “Terry Harvey” type of hassle? Luckily you have one person in your family with each of the two experiences: you can compare your Tiffanie D. experience with your husband’s Terry Ryan experience. How often did each issue come up, and how difficult was it to handle? Would either issue be more or less of an issue than the hassle of spelling/pronouncing an unusual name?

If your husband is willing to let you make the decision on the first name, then I think Rex Harvey is a very nice name. Do you both like the sound of the name Harvey Terry, since that’s what you would be mostly calling him? Some people don’t like repeated endings, and some people like them. If you like it, I’d say you have your name.

Name update! Tiffanie writes:

First, thank you so, so much for answering my question and for the honest feedback from both you and your readers! It made me realize my husband needed to be completely on board with what we named our son and not just “okay” with it. I’m embarrassed I didn’t realize that before writing to you!

I also wanted to thank your readers for their comments on going by a middle name. I had never even thought about some of the issues they brought up (from their own or husband’s experiences) and I am oh-so-glad they shared their stories! Saved my poor son a lifetime of correcting rightfully confused people and explaining that he goes by his middle name.

Anyway, my husband and I finally decided on Henry Rex a few hours after he was born on June 16th (Father’s Day!), but already we and our family and friends have taken to calling the little guy Huck.

Again, thank you so much for your help! I so appreciate it!!!

(attached is a photo of our little Huck if you care to take a look!)