Hi Swistle,
I have a question concerning using unisex names for siblings, and would love to hear your thoughts on the topic.
My husband and I love unisex and word names. For our first child, a boy born last year, we chose the name Sage. We would have used this name on a boy or girl, it fits him perfectly and we are very happy with it. We had checked the Social Security statistics and decided that the name was only slightly more popular for girls, so we still considered it a “true unisex” name. Within the last year, however, I was surprised to see most people assuming Sage to be a girl’s name.
We’re getting mentally ready for our second child now. Another name we both love is the name Quinn. Statistically, it seems to be comparable to Sage in that it is slightly more popular for girls, yet still considered a “true unisex” name. My questions are the following:
If we were to have a girl this time around, could we use a similarly unisex-yet-slightly-more-female name for her, given that we’ve used one on a boy the first time around? Or would that be too confusing, perhaps even resulting in even more people assuming our first-born is also a girl? If we have one child with a unisex name that is slightly more used for the opposite gender, would you recommend giving the next child a less gender-ambiguous name?
I’m also wondering if it would be a good idea to use Quinn on a boy, since that would mean we’d have two boys with names that are slightly more popular for girls.
Thanks so much!
Vee
My favorite is for all the children of a particular sex in a sibling group to have similarly unisex names. Confusion will occur no matter what with unisex names (the ambiguity is an unavoidable part of the package, and/or a large part of the appeal of such names), but my own preference is to avoid clashes, mixed messages, and anything that sends people’s eyebrows up in a “What happened THERE?” manner.
So for me, Sage and Quinn is exactly the approach that most appeals. In 2013, the name Sage was used for 660 new baby girls and 316 new baby boys: about twice as many girls as boys. That same year, the name Quinn was used for 2,634 new baby girls and 875 new baby boys: about three times as many girls as boys. Both names are unisex, currently used more often for girls, so I think they coordinate beautifully for either a pair of brothers or a pair of sisters.
I don’t think I’d use the word “slightly,” however, to describe the girl/boy usage gap: both names are used quite a bit more often for girls. I think you can expect confusion at approximately the ratio of current usage: that is, since Sage is used for twice as many girls as boys, I think you can expect about twice as many people to assume it’s a girl name; since Quinn is used for three times as many girls as boys, I think you can expect about three times as many people to assume it’s a girl name.
For a girl, you can use a unisex name or not, as you’d prefer: it’s common for parents to have different styles for girl names and boy names, so I don’t think you have to stick to the style—but if you LIKE unisex names for girls, I don’t think there’s any reason not to. Using a unisex name for her will increase the confusion levels by one unisex name: that is, each time you use a unisex name for ANY baby, boy or girl, you are adding one unit of “Is this a boy name or a girl name?” to your family.
My own preference (but this is only my own preference) would be to choose all sister names to the girl side of Sage. That is, if we draw a spectrum with name usage getting more girl to the right and more boy to the left, I would prefer to choose sister names to the right side of Sage.
But others might prefer the opposite technique: deliberately choosing girl names used more often for boys: Hayden, for example, or Ellis, or Drew.
If your primary goal were to reduce the number of times people mistook your boy names for girl names, I’d suggest using completely unambiguous sister names. If I knew a family had two boys and two girls, and I knew the sibling names were Sage, Margaret, Quinn, and Josephine, I’d be fairly certain I knew which were which. However, this method only works when people DO know those two things: all the names together, and how many are of each sex. It won’t reduce the confusion for each individual child out in the world without his or her sibling names/sexes as clues. Because most situations in life are the latter rather than the former, it doesn’t seem worth it to choose sister names only to clarify the brother names, unless that is the style of name you prefer anyway—and it sounds as if it isn’t. In which case, at this point I think I would just choose whatever unisex/word name you like best for a girl, and assume that with time, all the acquaintances of each child will figure out that child’s sex from clues other than the name.
I like Quinn with Sage, for a boy or a girl.
Excellently said, as usual, Swistle!
I think Sage and Quinn make great same sex sibling names – both boys or both girls but I would be reluctant to name a sister of a a male Sage, Quinn. My only experience with gender confusion was with my sister who has a unisex name growing up and HATED being mistaken for a boy.
I also think Swistle has given a great answer. Maybe this list will be useful: http://nameberry.com/blog/top-unisex-names-2013. Quinn is nice (I know both boy and girl Quinns) and I also like Remy, Rowan and Finley as brothers for Sage. I know a family with Sage and River, but Sage is the girl.
Personally, I like Quinn if it’s a boy – as it would give both boys unisex – but more toward “girl” – names.
And I like the idea of using a “unisex – but more toward boy” name if it’s a girl. I love Swistle suggestion of Ellis.. probably/mainly because that has been on our girl list forever (obvious bias! : ).
So.. Sage and Quinn for boy/boy
or.. Sage and Ellis for boy/girl
are my votes. Let us know what you decide!
Funny – there’s “how unisex is this?” based on actual usage, and then there’s “how unisex is this?” based on intuition. To me, Quinn feels more unisex than Sage; if I heard of a brother and a sister named Quinn and Sage, I would guess that Quinn was the boy and Sage was the girl. I think this is because I know of Quinn as a surname and Quinton and Quentin as clearly boy names, whereas Sage is a softer-sounding word/nature name and rhymes with Paige, which in my experience is only used on girls. I imagine this would be different for different people, I’m just surprised that my intuition was wrong and that Quinn is being proportionately used more for girls than boys moreso than Sage. (Also I imagine that unisex name usage on one gender or the other is something that could vary wildly by region – in one area, most of the Quinns could be girls, while in another they could mostly be boys.)
As to your question, “If we have one child with a unisex name that is slightly more used for the opposite gender, would you recommend giving the next child a less gender-ambiguous name?”, I think it depends on whether you’re hoping to avoid confusion or whether you’re OK with or in favour of it. If you don’t like that people often mistake Sage for a girl, I don’t think it makes sense to intentionally give another child a name that people will also often mistake for being the other gender. I don’t know if Sage would appreciate the solidarity that that could provide, but even if he did, I think you’d feel like you were resigning another child to the same fate that you didn’t intend for your previous child. If you have no problem with this confusion, by all means go with a unisex-but-leaning-feminine name for a boy or a unisex-but-leaning-masculine for a girl.
Also, if you intend to have more than two children, you may or may not want to set or break the unisex pattern. If you want to break it, I’d vote that you not give your second child a unisex name, because giving two children unisex names and a third a more traditionally feminine or masculine name could make the third stick out. Sage, Heath, and Laurel, for example, fit as a word/nature-themed set; Sage, Quinn, and Rowan fit together as a unisex set; Sage, Simon, and Siena fit as an S set; Sage, Corinne, Mara, and Remy are about equally popular on the SSA list; Sage, Luke, and Claire fit as a one-syllable set; Sage, Naomi, and Julian fit as a hey-we-just-liked-all-these-names-and-don’t-they-sound-good-together set; but Sage, Quinn, and Elizabeth feel a little bit mismatched to me.
I think Quinn leans more “girl” so it would be great for a sister to Sage.
There are, in my opinion, precious few truly unisex names. I have one (hello 80s) and I love Swistle’s suggestion of spectrum. If it were me, I wouldn’t necessarily lean more or less feminine for a name to clarify the “gender” of Sage. I just might be more mindful of which unisex name I would consider. I might lean more feminine for a sister but choose a brother name that was solidly “unisex” if that makes sense.
For example:
Morgan, Bailey, Reese/Rhys, Avery, Emerson, Logan, Scout….all these could go either way for me.
For a brother, I might pick any of the above plus: River, Alex, Finn, Micah, Sawyer
For a sister, the first list, plus: Rory, Brook, Piper, Emery, Ellery and my favorite with Sage, Wren.
We have a 5 yr old son named Quinino nn Quinn. We call him Quinn 99% of the time. He was born a MONTH before Glee premiered – basically the last minute when Quinn leaned more boy than girl. To my knowledge no one has mistaken him for a girl.
I would assume that Sage was a girl, but once corrected would not be shocked/appalled, if that makes sense.
A high school friend recently had a baby with a name that gives me NO CLUES as to whether it is a boy or a girl. He already has a son and a daughter with unisex names, all of the same style camp, and I just honestly cannot tell. Based on facebook comments congratulating him on his new baby, no one else can tell either (or don’t want to ask?). Anyhow, I guess I can’t tell if that is appealing to you, or not? Does the confusion bother you, or is it appealing?
I really want to know what the name is! :)
Me too!
I recently had the same thing happen! A FB friend (we’re acquaintances) had a baby and there were NO CLUES as to the gender. They didn’t find out ahead of time, rarely posted about the pregnancy, everything was yellow and green, they’re quite progressive, and then they named the kid Auden. Cute name, but between Aiden and Autumn honestly the sound could go either way. None of the comments revealed it either. About a week later a grandparent posted “his” and I was like IT’S A BOY!
Apropos of nothing, I love the name Auden, but for a girl, because of Sarah Dessen’s book Along for the Ride. :)
Yea, if I heard Auden I would think girl!
I find it hilarious that it’s a grandparent who was finally driven to clarify the gender……And fascinating that the parents themselves resisted–for reasons I can only imagine but in my imaginings fully support. In some ways keeping gender under wraps seems like ultimate privacy in this day and age.
I don’t think the gender was a secret, I think maybe the parents didn’t even realize people couldn’t tell!
if I had to pick which was which from Sage and Quinn, id say we Quinn is more feminine and be the girl in that pair.
but if you had a sibset of Sage, Quinn, Margaret, and Josephine, because the last two are so ‘normal’ and fully feminine I may assume that Quinn is a second boy.
if you have more children definitely keep in the unisex pattern, don’t throw a curve ball in with a frilly girl or macho boy name. it makes the unisex names even more ambiguous.
What an interesting conundrum! I would have the opposite response to Calla: I would guess that Sage is the boy and Quinn in the girl. But I think this is based on having known exactly one Sage (male) and one Quinn (female) in my life. (Although the female character Quinn on Glee may also enhance this effect now.) So my point is that being able to guess the correct gender of a person from the name will get closer and closer to simple chance as a name becomes more uncommon. People just have fewer assumptions to work from based on past experiences.
One part of the appeal of unisex names is not having to keep separate lists of “boy names” and “girl names.” If you and your husband like unisex names, I think you should go for it! Use them on all your children. The level of confusion for other people is minimal (Mental note: “Oh. Sage is a boy. Duly noted.”) compared to the level of enjoyment you and your husband will get from having chosen the names you loved.
I have a unisex name (Cameron). but I go by a feminine nickname almost exclusively. Having a unisex name doesn’t bother me, I just include my middle name when I want to be obviously female. The only thing I will say is that if it bothers a parent that anyone would assume their kid is the other gender, don’t use a unisex name because it happens all day every day.
I agree with Calla on her “there’s “how unisex is this?” based on actual usage, and then there’s “how unisex is this?” based on intuition” point. Even though Sage is technically given to more boys than girls and Quinn is given to more girls than boys, I too would assume of Sage and Quinn that the boy was Quinn. It doesn’t matter one bit, but if you want it to be a little obvious which is which, I’d choose a more feminine name for a sister and choose Quinn for a brother. My name is a good example of this “actual usage” vs. “intuition” question. People are often surprised when I tell them people assume I’m male and tell me they truly think of it as a unisex name. But all my junk mail (and sometimes important mail!) comes addressed to Mr. Cameron lastname, so obviously there are a lot of people who think I’m male.
I grew up with a pair of siblings named Dallas and Robin. Dallas was a girl and Robin was a guy. Everyone got used to it pretty fast and it was no big deal.
PERSONALLY, my preference for myself or to see on another family would be to have all unisex names, rather than unisex for boys and really feminine for girls, simply because it feels more cohesive as a family. I always think about how those Christmas cards will look. :) BUT, you should do whatever feels best and makes the most sense to you! If you use unisex names, then you will probably be doing a lot of clarifying until your kids grow a little older and look/dress/act more like one gender than the other. I have to assume you’re OK with that, having gone unisex with your first child! Honestly I think people just get used to it and then it’s fine.
I also have a good friend who named her daughter Ezra, but she pretty much exclusively wears pink and headbands with bows and flowers, so there is very little confusion, at least visually. :)
Love the suggestion of Wren for a sister name! I think Quinn works for a boy or a girl. I also like Riley, Sawyer, Emerson, and Emory.
I love Quinn for either a boy or a girl, and really love it with Sage. (The only Sage I know is male, in his mid-50’s; the only Quinn I know is also male, in his early 20’s).
Also love the suggestion of Wren for a daughter.
I have friends with sons Heron, Kestrel, Harper, & Finlay (different families). Also friends who chose Sequoia for either a son or a daughter, & had a son.
I know a family with one boy and one girl. Ryan and Quinn. Ryan is the girl, Quinn is the boy. (both in their 30s now… the unisex thing is less common at this age) People always assumed the other way around. I think the story is that they only chose one name for each kid, regardless of what gender the baby turned out to be. It was odd at first, but just totally normal now! So I think that 2 unisex names makes sense.
I’ve actually met a 3 girls named Ryan now!
As soon as I saw “a sibling for a boy named Sage” I thought of Ruby. Both colors, sound great together, and definitely more feminine than Sage.