James writes:

So I have what seems to be a very rare situation on my hands – My wife and I have been trying to come up with baby names since about two years ago. We got married in May of this year on our third anniversary of our first date. We never came up with much we both liked, but in June we found out she was pregnant – making good baby names a priority. A girl’s name came quickly, but a boy’s name was giving us a bit more trouble. I didn’t want to name a boy after myself; I’m already James III.

After quite a bit of discussion, my wife suggested Alexander, after my brother. I hadn’t considered that, and I suggested the nickname of Xander, as my brother goes by Alex. We were in agreement. We had already decided the middle name to be Seamus because my best friend calls me that. I’m of Irish descent, so it’s my name, but also a bit of tribute to him. Alexander “Xander” Seamus Perry.

Fast forward a month and we find out we’re having a boy! I immediately text many family and friends with the news and the name. Two days later my best friend calls telling me he’s been rather upset. Apparently he and his girlfriend of 6 years decided 3 or 4 years ago on Alexander “Xander” Chase G. as the name they’d use for their first son. They had never shared this with us and it was pure coincidence that we’d picked the same first name AND nickname. He didn’t ask me to change it, nor did I ask him to do so when the time comes for them to have children. But I still feel there is resentment there on his part. My wife also feels some resentment toward them as they are nowhere near the point of starting a family. They want to be married before children, they aren’t engaged and they’re upset at us happening to pick the same first name they wanted? – my wife’s thoughts, simplified.

I apologized to my friend, but this is obviously not on purpose. This is a name he’s wanted since before his girlfriend, apparently, so I felt a little bad, but we love the name and intend to use it. Who knows if they’ll even have boys when the time comes? Is there any way to help soften this further for them and reduce potential friction with them and my wife. We’re all very close, but I think I’m the only one of us four not upset about things at this point. After all, I am one of about a dozen Jimmys between my friends and family. Why can’t there be two Xanders?

Considering what an unhappy situation this is, it sounds like things are going pretty well. It’s fortunate that you mentioned the name first, without knowing your friend planned to use it, because now everyone in the situation knows you came up with it yourselves and didn’t “steal” a name he’d thought of. And, if your friend had written to me in a panic after you announced the name, I would have advised him to mention to you as immediately as possible that he also planned to use it: this would make it clear he too didn’t “steal,” while simultaneously giving you the heads-up that he would likely still use it (in case that wasn’t okay with you and you wanted to choose a different name). So this is all good so far: necessary information is traveling back and forth.

It’s understandable that your friend and his girlfriend would be surprised and upset. I don’t think they should have shared the “upset” part of their feelings with you, but I’ve noticed that the “All feelings are okay to have” movement has led some people to imagine the rule is actually “All feelings are okay to to have AND to communicate to anyone at any time.” It would have been appropriate for your friend and his girlfriend to share their sadness with each other, or with other friends (friends who would not race to share that information with you)—but to you, they should have expressed surprise and perhaps fake joy: “Wow, what a coincidence, that is the SAME NAME we had in mind!! Maybe we’ll BOTH have Xanders, how fun!” From this you would have received the necessary information (they thought of the name independently; they might still use it), and you would likely also have understood that this was probably not actually good news for them and would have felt sympathy.

Instead, by communicating that they are upset (which implies that you have wronged them in some way, since that’s when it would be appropriate for them to share that feeling), they’ve set up a situation RICH for resentment and unpleasantness and hard feelings. Never mind! We will rise above it! We will talk ourselves through it by understanding that although their behavior is not what we would consider ideal, they are the Sad Ones and you are the Happy Ones in this situation: they will not get to use the name first, and you will. Of course they are upset; that is natural as long as they are only upset That It Happened, and not upset At You. They are good friends and we will have mercy in this time of sadness for them, as long as they get ahold of themselves pretty soon.

If you haven’t yet, I suggest using the line they should have used, which would be something about how it would be fun if you both had Xanders. This communicates that you will not be upset if they go ahead with their plans to use the name, and also spins the whole situation toward bonding rather than division.

After that, I think everyone needs a little time to adjust to this surprise. In the meantime, I’d suggest you and your wife pick a Coping Thought. Different ones work for different people, but for myself I might try deflection every time I started getting upset about it: “Nope! Nope, I am NOT thinking about this! We all just need some time, and everything’s going to be fine!” Or I would work the luck/empathy angle: “I would feel terrible if this happened to me; what an unfortunate coincidence. I’m so glad we’re having a boy first!”

I would not recommend looking for evidence that the other couple is still upset; that way madness lies. And perhaps they intended only to mention it so that you’d understand if they used the name later, and now everyone is on the same page and has the same understanding of the situation. But if they do bring it up again, you might need to bring out The Soothing List: Alexander is a very common name and Xander is a very common nickname for it; both couples chose it independently with no “stealing”; both couples can still use it. I would not bring up anything about how maybe they won’t get married and maybe they won’t have a boy; that’s a good one for you and your wife to express to each other, but not to the friends. You could perhaps touch on it lightly by saying something like, “And even if we DO both have Xanders, there will be an age gap—they won’t be in the same grade or anything.”

Leah writes:

My husband and I are hoping you can help us with a naming decision that is causing us a lot of trepidation. I have been reading your posts for a while now, and have yet to come across another problem like it. It is the kind of problem adoptive parents of older children face, and I’m wondering if your readers wouldn’t have some helpful insight, as well.

We have been incredibly blessed to have guardianship of two beautiful, young children who are not biologically related to us. Recently, their biological parents’ rights were terminated, which opens the door for us to adopt them. We are thrilled.

The problem is that both children have names that we are not very fond of. We have already settled that the younger child, an infant, will be renamed at the time of adoption. Our conundrum lies with the older sibling, who is a twenty seven month old girl.

Because I would like to maintain her anonymity, I will refer to her as D’Ahnyttah Rose (pronounced Donetta Rose). This name mirrors her given name in many ways, and the issues with her name as we see them follow:

1. It is difficult to spell. I often have to spell it 3 or 4 times to people before they get it right.
2. The pronunciation of her name is not obvious. If her name is printed somewhere people always have to ask how it is pronounced, which gets tedious.
3. She was given her name by someone who, for all intents and purposes, abandoned her, so I feel like the name has a lot of baggage associated with it.
4. Her middle name is for a biological relative who is now incarcerated for a violent crime.

We really can’t see leaving her name as it is now. So these are our options, as we see them:

1. Change her first name so that it is phonetically correct (i.e. Donetta), keep her middle name and leave it at that.
2. Change her first name to something that is similar to her given name but more pleasing to us (Donna or maybe even Danielle), although we aren’t really in love with any of the obvious options.
3. Using a derivative nickname (like Nettie) may be an option, as there are a couple of nice choices, but we still don’t LOVE any of them.
4. Use her middle name, which we like quite a bit. We are, however, very concerned about the negative association.
5. Choose an entirely new name (i.e. Hazel Grace) as we have for her sibling.

Of course there are lots of other things to consider, the least of which being is it even OK to rename a two year old? I know we can, but I am concerned that it may further confuse our daughter, or at least take some serious getting used to on her part. Everything else aside, the ultimate goal is to come to a decision that causes the least amount of stress to her in the long run.

It’s difficult: I can offer an opinion, but I don’t feel I have enough personal experience with it to be confident in that opinion. If a group of people who had had their names changed at adoption told me that it was a terrible mistake, I’d change my opinion on the subject immediately. And of course the particulars of the individual situation factor into it hugely.

But after that lead-in, I will say that it seems okay to me as long as the child is quite young. SPIN seems important: a name-change could seem like it’s a way to erase or hide the old self or the old family (and in fact adults do sometimes change their names for those very reasons)—or it can be seen as a mark of bonding/transition/welcoming into a new family (as when any new baby is named, or as when a person takes a new surname at marriage, or as when a person takes a new name as part of a religious or cultural transition).

Age two still seems okay to me (my nephew is two, and I can picture his parents changing his name without traumatizing him), though I’d try to make the transition easier by not switching all at once. Depending on the personality and age of the child, I might come up with a story: something along the lines of “Now that you are in our family forever, you will have your special new name!”—or books on adoption may have other tried-and-true suggestions. With a two-year-old, I might save the stories for later questions and instead just start calling the child by both names for awhile: D’Ahnyttah-Hazel for awhile, then maybe Hazel-D’Ahnyttah, then sometimes dropping the D’Ahnyttah and sometimes still including it, then eventually dropping the D’Ahnyttah entirely around the time she starts referring to herself by the new name and/or responding to it consistently and without wrinkled brows.

Let’s talk for a minute about the middle name. If it honors a relative currently incarcerated for a violent crime, that in itself doesn’t put me off. Circumstances matter tremendously: the type of crime, the situation surrounding it, the type of person the relative is. And of course that’s getting well outside the scope of what would be appropriate to discuss on the blog. I will give a couple of examples, though, to demonstrate the kind of thing I mean. In one situation, let’s say the relative in question had been badly and hurtfully wronged by a spouse and had attacked that spouse in a one-time, out-of-character fit of passion, but that this person was otherwise a wonderful and loving person with strong family connections, someone likely to be involved in your child’s life in the years to come. Well, then, their name is still good, and I wouldn’t even mind moving it to the first name position. Let’s say instead that the relative in question is a manipulative mooching person with a long history of betrayals and bad deeds that finally culminated in a robbery that went wrong and ended with a terrible injury to an innocent person, and yet this relative is still acting self-pitying about the whole thing and trying to mooch money out of relatives. Well, then, I’m inclined to ditch the name. The line is probably here: can you tell this relative’s story in a way that doesn’t make the child embarrassed to have the name? That is, can this be, “Yes, Rose was the name of your aunt when you were born”? Or must the violent crime come into it, and is the violent crime an upsetting one that would make the child feel tainted by association?

I like your idea of searching for a name that has some connection to the original name. That is, if the child’s name really were D’Ahnyttah Rose, changing it to something like Etta Rose seems like a very nice compromise. I think I’d abandon the goal of being in love with the name in this case, since so many other goals need to take precedence. I think if I were you, my goal would be to find a name that solved the main issues while also being a big leap up the spectrum of my own taste in names.

I think I’m drawn most to any solution that feels like a compromise. For example, if I picture you instead focusing on finding a first name you’re in love with, then I like the idea of keeping D’Ahnyttah as the middle name. Names can be so tied in with identity that even though she’s only two I wonder if later on she might prefer to still own some of her original name. With other questions that involved adoptions, I notice I pretty much always come down on the side of keeping the original name (ideally with original spelling) in the name SOMEWHERE: even though there is baggage associated with the child’s origins, the child might feel those origins are still his or her property, and/or that those origins don’t reflect badly on the name or on herself/himself.

If you like the middle name, one option is to switch the middle and first. Rose D’Ahnyttah.

One factor to consider here is that her sibling will be completely renamed. I’m not sure what effect that will have later on: right now, of course, the infant doesn’t care at all; when the girls are older and hearing their stories and asking questions, it might factor in. If you change one sister’s name completely but only partly change the other’s, probably it’s plenty of explanation to say, “Because Hazel was older and knew her name, but Olive was only a baby and didn’t know her name yet.”

Or one possibility to consider is to make the same decision for both girls’ names: former first names in the middle name position, with new first names for both, for example; or D’Ahnyttah Rose and Neveah Grace become Etta Rose and Norah Grace, or Rose D’Ahnyttah and Grace Neveah. Again, I would rank LOVE of the name rather low here, and aim mostly for the relief of a name I liked Significantly Better. Or perhaps both girls could be given entirely new full names, with the love of the name ranking high: they are the daughters you love, and you are giving them names you love.

I really don’t know what would be best. It’s so hard to know what the girls themselves will think of things later: this whole thing could be a big shrug to them, or it could be of huge symbolic importance to them (with any of the choices leaving plenty of room for either positive or negative symbolism, so that your choice can be spun as The Wrong One no matter WHAT you chose to do), and we can’t know that ahead of time. And it’s not as if The Right Way To Do Adoption is carved in stone for us anywhere: situations are different, and the current feelings about What Is Best change all the time and never do fit everyone anyway, and different people see different actions as symbolizing different things. None of us has an answer that is right for all people in all situations.

I notice my opinion shifts around quite a bit when I imagine “what generally seems right” versus “how I might feel if it were me.” When I’m thinking generally about what seems important, I feel like it’s a good idea to keep their original names in their names somewhere. But if I picture it being actually me making the decision about actual children I love, it suddenly gets more challenging: my actual inclination is to make those babies MINE by naming them. Or wait, what if I imagine a good future relationship with the children’s starting family? Then I like the idea of tying our families together: a name from them, a name from us. Or what if the original names are special to me because those were the names the children had when I grew to love them? I might want that part of our history together represented. Or what if I imagine adopting my nephew and niece? Then I want them to keep their own names, because those names are THEIRS and part of who they ARE. It’s confusing.

I think this all goes back to spin. I think that ANY decision you make about the names can be made with love and loving intentions and loving symbolism, and that the important thing is to communicate that love and those intentions and that symbolism when you tell the girls their naming stories.

Update (and photo!) on Baby Boy Virus-with-a-K, Brother to Henry Palmer!
Update on Baby Name to Discuss: Maelynn!
Update (and photo!) on Baby Boy or Girl Sauce-a-man, Sibling to Russell (Russ)!

Cassie writes:

Hello. My name is Cassie. I’m pregnant with my 3rd child. My husband, Will, and I have Abigail Kelley Davis, 11 and William Parker Davis, Jr. ‘Park’, who is 9. Baby 3 was a surprise.
Both of our other children have full family names. My daughter was named after a great aunt and my grandmothers maiden name, both on my fathers side. Obviously my son is a Jr and my husband was named after his grandfather on his moms side. So now here we are trying to come up with names. Family names. With families with a lot of input. And my mother really wants us to use a name from her side, since we have not. We are not finding out what we are having so we will need to have both names prepared. What I need help with is the girls name. If a boy, we will incorporate the name Harrison, although probably not call him that. That was my maternal grandmothers maiden name. Other boy names we are toying with are Holmes, Bateman (Bates), and Lawson, all from my husbands fathers side and Bonner from my husbands mothers side.
But the girl names in my family are horrendous for the most part. Of course we have plenty of ancestors named Mary, Elizabeth, Susanna, Sarah and the like. But I don’t want something so common. When we named Abigail, we didn’t know anyone named that. Now there are so many ‘Abbie’s’. Of course we could go with my grandmothers names, Thera or Jimmie Lee, but I think not! So for a list of somewhat decent eligible female names, here goes:
Reese (middle name- husbands great grandfather)
Hallie (husbands great aunt)
McConnell ‘Connell’- ( husbands grandmothers maiden name)
Margaret (husbands great great aunt)- could shorten to Maggie, which is my maternal grandmothers sisters name.
Anna Walden (my great great grandmother – on my moms side)
Estella (my maternal great grandmother)- husband hates this.
Mary Lizzie- my maternal grandmothers sister.
Everything I come up with either my husband or my mother hates!
My mom loves AnnaKay – her great grandmother Anna with her middle name Kay. He loves Holmes for a boy, she hates it. I know its our child, but as an only child, I would like to use something from her family. Could Harrison be used in a girls name? Please please help me!
So frustrated!

It is outrageous for anyone to insist on being honored by a baby’s name. And in this case, your mother is confused: the two sides of the baby’s family are Yours and Your Husband’s, not Hers and Her Husband’s. One child has been named for Your Side, and one child has been named for Your Husband’s Side; you have covered your family bases.

I agree that it is nice if it works out as fairly as possible. That is, it WOULD be nice to find a name from your husband’s father’s side and/or from your mother’s side, if you’d like to use another honor name. But I find my heart hardens against choosing any name that would result in the honored party feeling it’s only what’s owed to her, rather than reeling back from sentimental shock and surprise.

Speaking of reeling back, the part about which names your mother loves or hates is making me breathe fast. It sounds exactly as if there are three people making this decision: you, your husband, and your mother. I will pause while you write the rest of this paragraph yourself. …No, I want to write it. This is a decision that you and your husband are making. It is very kind and considerate of you both to take your mother’s preferences into account, but right now it sounds as if she’s an equal partner. I think the time has come for something like, “Thanks for all your input, mom; you’ve given Will and me a lot to think about! At this point we’re going to keep the final choice a secret until the baby is here!”

Here’s how I was going to wrap up that paragraph: “And then, frankly, I think I wouldn’t end up using a name from your mother’s family, because it sounds like it’s not going to work out: not only does she want the names to be from her family, she ALSO wants those names to be the ones she likes.” But then I got to this from your letter: “I know its our child, but as an only child, I would like to use something from her family.” All right, fine: if it’s what you want, we can work with that. But remember I’m on your side if you decide it’s impossible. And I definitely don’t think you need to do both the first and middle names from your mom’s family.

The strategy I suggest is this: First use the thanks-now-back-off quote above, or whatever version of it is the way you’d actually talk to your mom (including the “no words, just action” version where you stop talking about names with her but without remarking on it). Second, choose the name YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND like best from your mom’s family, without taking her preferences into consideration, unless they involve negative feelings about the family members themselves. Then use that name as either the first or middle name, wherever it works better.

Another strategy is to lay it out before her. “Here’s the problem, Mom. We’d really like to use a name from your side of the family. But you hate the only names we’re willing to use. This means the choices are: (1) Use a name from your side of the family, but a name you don’t like; or (2) Not use a name from your side of the family.” It does sound as if she needs it clarified for her that there is no (3) Use a name from your side of the family that you love and we hate.

If you want to cover your husband’s father’s side and your mother’s side all at once, that might make it easier too: you could use the name from your mother’s side as the middle name. Kay seems perfect to me: it’s a great middle name anyway.

Hallie Kay Davis; Abbie, Park, and Hallie
Margaret Kay Davis; Abbie, Park, and Maggie

Thera would also make a perfectly nice middle name.

You asked if Harrison could be used in a girl’s name, and I think it could certainly go in the middle, especially since Abigail’s middle name is also a family surname. Margaret Harrison Davis, Hallie Harrison Davis—sure.

I notice you’ve got Susanna in your “way too common” list, but that one’s pretty unusual for today’s babies: it’s just barely in the Top 1000. Mary, too, is downright distinctive: there was a Mary in my son’s kindergarten class and it was actually startling. It can feel common because it used to be common—and the Social Security rankings are confusing for this name in particular, because of how often it’s given as a first name for religious reasons but then not used in daily life.

I’d lean heavily toward using Susanna. It’s lovely and distinctive and unusual, while sounding familiar enough that it isn’t a problem with Abigail. Then I’d use a middle name from your husband’s father’s side: Reese or Margaret or Hallie or McConnell or whatever you like best.

Actually, I think I’d lean even more heavily toward using Mary. I think you’d be pleasantly surprised by how unusual people would find it, and the traditional nickname Molly would be so sweet with Abbie. Mary McConnell Davis, nickname Molly. I love that so much, I almost feel queasy.

For a boy, I think Harrison is great: Abbie, Park, and Harris. It’s too bad Lawson and Harrison both end in -son, because it you’d rather not call him Harrison, I think Lawson is a great first name. But I think in this case I’d be inclined to shrug and say “We’re not going to call him by first and middle anyway,” and use Lawson Harrison Davis, since as soon as the birth announcements have gone out he’ll just be Lawson Davis.

I would avoid Bateman/Bates. Partly it’s because Bateman makes me think immediately of Batman. But also, I had a male co-worker with the surname Bates, and “Master Bates” came up…a lot. Perhaps it would not be so bad as a first name—or perhaps it would be worse. Maybe it would work as a middle name: Harrison Bateman Davis is nice.

I think I might consider Holmes as a middle name, too, because the thought of all those Sherlock and homeboy/homes jokes and references make me feel weary to even think about. Harrison Holmes is pretty adorable.

Rachel writes:

We are expecting our third boy soon – due date is September 19th, and we are having a terrible time deciding on a name. Our sons are named Griffin Winship and Graydon Winship (we call him Grady). We didn’t intentionally go with two Gr names, we just happened to like them both. We didn’t plan on having a third child, and now we are feeling that we are stuck with a Gr (or at least a G) name. In fact, my six-year-old is insistent they must remain the “G brothers:)”. We want something unique, unusual – not Grant or Graham, etc. One name my husband really liked was Grogan (not sure where he got it), but then we discovered what it meant on Urban Dictionary, so that choice was out:). Names we have considered are Gibson and Grantham (although that would likely turn into Grant).

Any help would be appreciated!

I’m not sure where to draw the unique/unusual line here. The name Graydon/Grayden isn’t in the Top 1000, but the recent and current popularity of Grayson/Greyson and of the Aiden/Brayden/Caden/Hayden/Jaden/Rayden/Zayden group makes it feel familiar. The name Griffin was #220 in 2012, comparable to Grant at #163 and Graham at #215.

I’d like to suggest Gordon, an underused G name. It’s just barely in the Top 1000 as of 2012 (and falling), it’s similar in sound to Grogan, and it has an R sound in it without being another Gr- name. It may, however, be too similar in sound to Graydon: it’s almost a rearrangement of the same sounds, with one vowel change.

Gideon would work better. It was #390 in 2012. Gideon Winship; Griffin, Graydon, and Gideon.

Normally I would suggest George, but I suspect the recent birth of the little prince has knocked that one off the list.

I suggest Gable. It’s not in the Top 1000 for 2012, nor has it been anytime recently. Gable Winship; Griffin, Graydon, and Gable.

Or Gulliver. Despite its similarity to the popular name Oliver, it isn’t in the Social Security Administrations’s database at all for 2012. Gulliver Winship; Griffin, Graydon, and Gulliver.

I like Gus a lot. It surprises me not to see it in the Top 1000 for 2012, but that may be that it’s more often given in a longer form: Angus, August, Augustus, etc. Gus Winship; Griffin, Graydon, and Gus.

Garrett is nice, and it’s another that has a strong R sound in the middle even though it doesn’t start with Gr-. It was #213 in 2012, and falling. Garrett Winship; Griffin, Graydon, and Garrett.

For something less common, Garrison is just barely in the Top 1000 and falling, and also has the inner R sound. Garrison Winship; Griffin, Graydon, and Garrison.

Karen writes:

I found your site while desperately searching for inspiration for naming our Baby Girl #2 who is due in less than 3 weeks! I have read a lot of your naming advice, and I tend to LOVE your responses!

My name is Karen, and my husband is Paul. We have one daughter, Addison Hope (Addie). Our last name is similar to Langley but rhymes with Ashley. Ashley with an “L” at the beginning as I tell people hearing it for the first time. Our last name presents the first naming challenge. So many beautiful girl names end in “L” or with the “lee” or “lyn” sound. This is just too much with our last name. Clearly, a name like Lily is out. We have agreed to avoid the “L” sound in the name–or at the least, the name shouldn’t start or end with “L” or end with “lee” or “lyn.” However, the first syllable could end with “L” (as in Shelby or Sylvia, for example), but that’s about it.

The second challenge is finding something that will match with Addison (Addie). The girls will be two and half years apart. I don’t want them to sound like twins. I certainly don’t want the names to rhyme (Addison and Madison), and I don’t really want the name to start with an “A.” We do want something that can be shortened. We love Addison’s name because she has a cute nickname to go by for as long as she chooses but also has a longer, more serious-sounding name for when she is older. I would like the same for baby girl #2.

A third challenge is finding something that is uncommon but not terribly unusual or unfamiliar. I know Addison is a rather popular name, but I would prefer that baby girl’s name at least not be in the top 5 or 10 of the most popular names. I want something “special” but not made up. I also like unisex names but really only those that are more often used for girls. Names like Blake and Logan, while sometimes used for girls, are still boy names in my book.

We are considering several names including:

Savannah (which, for me, could only be shortened to Savy which my husband isn’t crazy about)
Gracyn (Gracie/Grace/Gray, but it seems contrived, and spelling it the “boy” way of Grayson is just too “boy”)
Emery (Emmy for short. The “emery board” connection bugs me a bit, but we both really like the name)
Ivy (which can’t be shortened but is similar to Ives, a family surname)
Nora (which I LOVE, but my husband does not. It could be short for several longer names, but he really doesn’t like any of them either)

Your input and suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for considering our question.

This IS a challenge! I keep thinking of possibilities, getting halfway through the sentence mentioning them, and realizing they end in -ley or -son, or start with A, or are loaded with L sounds. I saw Emery and thought, “Ooo, I wonder if they’d like Ellery?”—but it has an -ee ending AND too much L. So I thought, “Wait, what’s that other one?…Everly!”—but that ends in -ly. “Emerson! It’s perfect, unisex but more for girls, and the cute nickname Emmie!”—but it’s another -son. “Emlyn!”—ends in -lyn. “Jocelyn, nickname Joss!”—ends in -lyn. “Campbell! It’s perfect, unisex but more for girls, and the cute nickname Cammie!”—but it ends in -ll. “Harper!”—no nicknames. “Finley!”—ends in -ley. “Quinn!”—no nickname. “Reese!”—no nickname. “Hollis/Holly or Ellis/Ellie!”—both currently used more often for boys, and too much L. “Morgan! Unisex/girls, and great with surname and sister name!”—no nickname. “Reagan!”—no nickname. “Rowan!”—no nickname. “Teagan!”—no nickname. “Callan, nickname Callie!”—but Callie has too much L, and Callan is used more often for boys. It’s possible that with such a tricky surname, another preference will need to go.

Maybe Delaney? It has the nickname Lanie, and it’s a surname name like Addison. I’m not sure about it with the surname, but I think it works, and I like how the sister names sound together: Addison and Delaney. Oh, but Lanie with the surname isn’t great.

Padgett would be adorable, but it’s so much less common than the name Addison, and no good nickname.

Kerrigan. Addison and Kerrigan; Addie and Kerri.

I keep coming back to Harper. It doesn’t have a good nickname, true, but I love Addison and Harper together, and I also love Harper with your surname. Harper Grace, maybe.

From your list, Gracyn and Emery seem like the best options, and I think either of those would solve the difficult challenge. Ives would make a pleasing middle name. Or Emery Grace would be nice.

Jen writes:

My husband and I are preparing for the arrival of our second baby (a girl!) any day now. For years we have talked about baby names, and we always thought we would name a daughter June Margo after our beloved grandmothers.

However, we’ve also both fallen in love with the name Amelia Anne as well.

This past week I happened to mention in passing to my sister that we were thinking of Amelia and she revealed that she and her husband have been “saving” that name for the past 7 years for their “someday” daughter (she has 4 boys and is pregnant with #5…as of yet they don’t know the gender).

This seemed to cinch the deal for me that our baby would be June Margo. But, the more I think about it, the more worried I get. My name is Jennifer. Everyone I know calls me Jen, and my husband calls me Jenny. I have a sinking feeling that once baby girl arrives I will instantly regret my decision to give her a name so similar to mine. I’m starting to envision the confusion between our names only one vowel sound away from each other. On the other hand, we have always wanted to avoid “popular” names and Amelia seems to climb the charts every year.

SO, here is the dilemma, should I approach my sister and hope she’ll compromise on her long saved name, or am I being paranoid about similar vowel sounds?
Do you think Jen/June/Jenny/Junie will be confusing?
Baby girl has a big brother named Ezra, and our last name begins with a W and rhymes with Farnsworth.
Can you help me untangle this mess and set my mind at ease??

Thanks!

June seems distinct from Jen to me, and Junie distinct from Jenny. I can certainly hear the similar sounds, and I think there could be an occasional mis-hearing/mis-saying of one name or the other, but not at a level that would affect the happiness of your lives. I just yelled out both names in an empty house as if summoning for dinner, and I think they’d actually sound quite different: the vowel sound really projects.

You’d like to avoid popular names, and both Amelia and June are rising in popularity—but Amelia is at #23, while June is in the 400s. Furthermore, I think Ezra and June make a great sibling combination, while the combination of Ezra and Amelia draws attention to the matching -a endings.

You have a name you’ve loved for years, a name that honors two beloved grandmothers—and you’re considering switching to a recently-added choice that would cause your sister distress whether or not she has a girl, as well as knocking both honorees out of place. I’m opposed to dibs on names, but this is a situation where I can’t see the good in switching to the one name your sister wants. If you no longer want to use June, there is still time to change it, but I wouldn’t change to Amelia. Perhaps if you have another daughter later on, and by then your sister is done having children, the name could be reconsidered.

You could switch to Margo June: that would be lovely, and would completely eliminate the Jen/June issue, as well as keeping both grandmother names.

Or you could switch to Anne Margo, or Margo Anne.

Or you could change to a name similar to Amelia, one that still leaves room for your sister to use Amelia. “Similar” is a pretty loose term, but here are a few I might consider:

Abigail Anne (AAW)
Adelaide Anne (AAW)
Agatha Anne (AAW)
Aubrey Anne (AAW)
Aurora Anne (AAW)
Cecilia Anne (rhymes, but that seems fun for cousins) (CAW)
Celia Anne (CAW)
Clara Anne (CAW)
Cordelia Anne (CAW)
Dahlia Anne (DAW)
Delia Anne (DAW)
Eliza Anne (probably too close to Ezra) (EAW)
Elodie Anne (EAW)
Emerald Anne (EAW)
Emery Anne (EAW)
Emmeline Anne (EAW)
Evelyn Anne (EAW)
Everly Anne (EAW)
Felicity Anne (FAW)
Georgia Anne (GAW)
Harriet Anne (HAW)
Hazel Anne (HAW)
Julia Anne (JAW)
Louisa Anne (LAW)
Lydia Anne (LAW)
Magnolia Anne (MAW)
Matilda Anne (MAW)
Olivia Anne (OAW)
Penelope Anne (PAW)
Sabrina Anne (SAW)
Sylvia Anne (SAW)
Veronica Anne (VAW)
Virginia Anne (VAW)

Or maybe it is the alliteration of Amelia Anne you like, and you could find other similar pairings. Julia Jane, for example, or Margo May.

Laura writes:

I was hoping you could help me! I am expecting my 4th child in January and just found out she is a girl. We have chosen, re-chosen and, scrapped her name completely many times. We have a short German last name that starts with “K” and rhymes with “fish”. We love our girls’ names (Anneliese and Genevieve) and our son is a 5th generation Stephen (after my husband, etc.). After reading your blog, it seems like we have some similar favorites. We are Irish and German.

Until the ultrasound a week ago, our girl name was Lorelei (with the intention of using the nickname Lila). This is our big issue as our families don’t really seem to be respectful of what we want our child called (Genevieve’s intended nickname is/was Eve, but family insists on calling her Jenny–My husband and I mostly call her the full name or Eve). We realize that we are likely going to hear this baby called Lori and Lora half the time, so it is kind of putting a huge damper on the name for me (my name is Laura and besides not wanting the baby “named” after me, I am just not a huge fan of those names–probably because of people calling me the wrong name!)

Anyway, we have considered other options like Madeleine, which I love, but worry it is way too overused. I also like Scarlett, Fiona, and Cecilia, but not much feels quite right. Our families act like Anneliese and Genevieve are weird and exotic (and I know we will get a pained reaction with anything we choose, unless it’s in the top 5! haha) On the plus side, my husband and I are usually on a similar wavelength!

We are also trying to avoid any J-sounding names because I have long wanted to use the name Jude if we ever have another boy and I don’t know if I’m ready to decide against a 5th just yet (which eliminates Josephine, another one I love).

Sorry if this was long! I appreciate your help!

Lorelei sounds like the perfect name for her, but I see your point about your families and nicknames: it would be easy to say “Just MAKE them use the nicknames you’ve chosen!!”—but we have to work with the reality we’ve got.

I wonder if there would still be some hope in this case, with this particular name, because of the confusion with your own. You know your families and I don’t, so picture this and tell me if you see any possibility of it working: “Her name is Lorelei! We’ll be using Lila as her nickname—Lora and Lori would be too confusing with my name.” “What? Oh, I thought you were saying Laura! We’re going with Lila for her nickname: otherwise it’s way too close to my name.” Your irritation with those particular nicknames (I have a similar feeling about the name Kristine) may give you the strength to persevere.

But if you are shaking your head and thinking that’s never going to fly, let’s turn our attention to the other possibilities. Madeleine does seem so much more common than the other two choices—but if you love it, I think it’s a very nice fit: Anneliese, Genevieve, and Madeleine. How do you feel about the nickname Maddy, though? The families are bound to use it, and with all the Madisons and Madelyns (plus the similar popularity of the nickname Addy), that may tip the name over the popularity edge.

It is too bad about Josephine, because I think that’s an even better fit. Although maybe the sound of it is too similar to be right after Genevieve anyway: both have the same starting sound and two of the same vowel sounds.

Another name from my own list (if you don’t mind alliteration with the surname) is Clarissa. Anneliese, Genevieve, and Clarissa.

Juliette would be pretty, but carries the same J issue as Josephine.

I love Francesca, though I wonder if the -ca ending would be choppy with the K- surname. Anneliese, Genevieve, and Francesca.

For awhile my mom’s favorite French name was Lucienne. Anneliese, Genevieve, and Lucienne.

That makes me think of Vivienne. Anneliese, Genevieve, and Vivienne.

Winifred is so underused. Anneliese, Genevieve, and Winifred.

Isadora, too. Anneliese, Genevieve, and Isadora.

I also love Willemina, and I think the Dutch spelling is easier than the German (Wilhelmina). Anneliese, Genevieve, and Willemina.

I wanted very badly to use Millicent. Anneliese, Genevieve, and Millicent.

Maybe Rosalie? Anneliese, Genevieve, and Rosalie.

Or Emmeline. Anneliese, Genevieve, and Emmeline. Maybe it shares too many sounds with Anneliese.

Philippa would be pretty. Anneliese, Genevieve, and Philippa.

I like Philomena, too. Anneliese, Genevieve, and Philomena.

Or Meredith. Anneliese, Genevieve, and Meredith.

Eliza looks a little short next to the other two names, but it has the same number of syllables and it’s a name I’ve WEPT over not being able to use. Anneliese, Genevieve, and Eliza.

I like Cecily even better than Cecilia. Anneliese, Genevieve, and Cecily.

Oh, or Felicity? Anneliese, Genevieve, and Felicity. That’s my favorite for you if Lorelei is out. Otherwise I still vote for Lorelei, if you think you can stand the irritation of the family/nickname situation.

Update on Baby Boy McCormick: Campbell?
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Update (and photo!) on Middle Name Challenge: Dixon ______ Shields!
Update (and photo!) on Baby Girl Marasco, Sister to Malia!

Allison writes:

I am reaching out to you in dire need of some guidance. We are expecting our second sweet baby girl in less than 10 days. She is welcomed by big Sister Brooklyn Elizabeth. For the past 9 months I have kept myself awake at night making lists of names that I am hoping to fall in love with. I just can not get there….

We want a name similar in style to Brooklyn. We like different names but not too off the track. I tend to steer away from the frilly names simply because they do not match with Brooklyn. Our last name is very short with 3 letters and one syllable and rhymes with Pam. Therefore short names just seem blah with our last name.

My Husband loves the name London but I am not on board due to the theme with all ready having a place name. We both love the name Blake but have been told numerous times it is a BOY name. To soften the name we do like Blakely Evelyn or Blakley Rose or Blakely Noelle.

Other ideas:
Juliette
Emerson
Maguire (family name)
Blake
London

Names that are out due to a large family of girls:
Aubrey
Paige
Kennedy
Avery

I just wish I loved the name and was 100% sure I was going with the right choice. What are your thoughts on Brooklyn and Blakely or do you have any other suggestions for names that would work?

This 9 month pregger mom thanks you!!

Brooklyn and London work individually, but together are similar to having sisters named Rose and Violet, or Hope and Faith: you can definitely do it, but the theme would dominate.

Brooklyn and Blakely work better together, though that is a lot of sound repetition: both have B sounds, K sounds, and L sounds. When I say them together, my tongue trips and I end up with other combinations: Brookly, Blakelyn, Blooklyn, Brakely, etc. But of course that can be avoided by speaking carefully, and you’re looking for similar names, so if it’s between London and Blakely, I vote for Blakely. My favorite is Blakely Noelle.

With Brooklyn, I think my favorite from your list would be Emerson. Both Brooklyn and Emerson are somewhat unisex but used mostly for girls; they have a similar sound without repeating too many sounds; and both could shorten to nicknames (Brooke and Emmie). Emerson also reminds me a little of the sound of London.

I wonder if you would like Everly? Brooklyn Elizabeth and Everly Rose.

Or Emery. Brooklyn Elizabeth and Emery Rose.

Or for something more similar: Briarley. Brooklyn Elizabeth and Briarley Noelle.

Or Bailey. Brooklyn Elizabeth and Bailey Noelle.

Blair would be similar to Blake, but perhaps it’s too choppy with a one-syllable surname. Brooklyn Elizabeth and Blair Noelle.

Brielle is definitely more feminine, but I think the matching Br- sounds help tie the names together. Brooklyn and Brielle. I’ve only encountered that name in The Baby Name Wizard, but I can see it working in person.

Brinley seems like a strong candidate, though it does repeat a lot of sounds. Brooklyn Elizabeth and Brinley Noelle.

Maybe Kinley would work better. Brooklyn Elizabeth and Kinley Noelle.

Or Finley. Brooklyn Elizabeth and Finley Noelle.

Instead of Blake, you could consider Lake. Again, perhaps too choppy with a one-syllable surname, but Laken would lengthen it if Brooklyn and Laken aren’t too rhymey. Brooklyn Elizabeth and Laken Noelle.

Or Leighton? Brooklyn Elizabeth and Leighton Rose.

Or Larkin. Brooklyn Elizabeth and Larkin Noelle.

We know a Teagan, and it’s quite a cute name. Brooklyn Elizabeth and Teagan Rose.

Or Devany. Brooklyn Elizabeth and Devany Rose.