{"id":13661,"date":"2018-08-20T07:24:55","date_gmt":"2018-08-20T11:24:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/?p=13661"},"modified":"2018-10-30T12:44:16","modified_gmt":"2018-10-30T16:44:16","slug":"baby-naming-issue-what-is-the-etiquette-around-telling-the-person-you-want-to-honor-that-you-plan-to-use-her-name-as-the-babys-middle-name","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/2018\/08\/20\/baby-naming-issue-what-is-the-etiquette-around-telling-the-person-you-want-to-honor-that-you-plan-to-use-her-name-as-the-babys-middle-name\/","title":{"rendered":"Baby Naming Issue: What Is the Etiquette Around Telling the Person You Want To Honor that You Plan To Use Her Name as the Baby’s Middle Name?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Hi Swistle,<\/p>\n

I’m a 2nd time mama-to-be, and a long time reader. I’m due with a baby girl at the end of September, and have a question about honor names as middle names. What is the etiquette around telling the person you want to honor (she’s very much alive) that you plan to use her name as the baby’s middle name?<\/p>\n

Some background info: My son Reece is 2. Our last name is very Irish, and also the name of a spice company. My husband and I both have family ties to the UK and Ireland, so we felt good about Reece (easier to spell than the traditional Welsh Rhys). His middle name, Patrick, is an honor name of sorts; my brother, my husband, and my husband’s father all have the same middle name.<\/p>\n

This baby girl will also have a first name with strong UK ties. We have a couple of front runners, but no clear winner yet. All the names we like are 1 syllable.<\/p>\n

My question essentially is this: When I was 8, my brother and I had an au pair from Denmark named Gitte (roughly pronounced Ghee-da), and while she only lived with us for a year, she became a big sister to me and a huge influence on my life. For the past 15 years, I’ve see her in person every other year, and we are in constant communication. She was the first person in my “family” to meet Reece, flying to be with us 4 days after he was born. I would love to give this baby her name as a middle name. But, do I tell her in advance that we want to do this? Do I ask her permission? Or just surprise her with it?<\/p>\n

My husband and I have discussed it, and he knows how important she is in my life. He’s gotten close to her over the last 9 years that we’ve been together, so he’s on board with using her name as our daughter’s middle name. I think my family will be a bit surprised, since it’s an unusual name for Americans, but since it’s a middle name, I don’t think it’s a big deal that it’s foreign (am I wrong?). I ultimately think my family will be supportive of her middle name. My husband isn’t very close with his family, so we’re not concerned with their opinions (although we think they won’t like it).<\/p>\n

One other factor is that Gitte herself is pregnant with a baby girl, due around Thanksgiving. I definitely don’t want her to feel any pressure to in turn incorporate my name (American top 3 name of the mid 80s) into her daughter’s name. Would that somehow be implied as an expectation if I give my daughter the middle name Gitte? Am I just vastly overthinking this?<\/p>\n

I’d love your input, or any advice your readers have! Thanks so much!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

 <\/p>\n

I don’t think there is any particular standard etiquette for it, but I will tell you the method I strongly suggest:<\/p>\n

1. Wait until the baby is born.<\/p>\n

2. Announce the name.<\/p>\n

3. When you announce it to the honoree, add a sentimental sentence about the honor name (e.g., “You’ve been like a big sister to me”) so they don’t have to ask, “Wait, is that after me, or…?”<\/p>\n

Asking permission is unnecessary, and telling in advance is risky: every so often we get a letter from a parent who told the honoree about an honor name but now has a reason to change their mind. Even if you’re certain you won’t change your mind, waiting until the birth gives the whole situation more ceremonial clout: you’re announcing it as a done deal instead of as a plan for the future, and the natural drama of the baby’s arrival adds to the emotional impact.<\/p>\n

I think you’re right that it’s no big deal to have a name from another country as a middle name; it’s a fairly common practice for parents trying to incorporate an ancestor name or a name from their own countries of origin. Middle names tend to disappear after the birth announcements go out, so it’s a great place for a name that might feel too challenging for daily usage.<\/p>\n

I would share in your slight nervousness that she might then feel pressured to reciprocate—but I think it’s likely you and I are both overthinking that part. There are so very many factors in deciding to use an honor name, including the name itself and how it works with other chosen names, the priority of using other names, the preference for using or not using honor names, the input of the other parent, etc., that I think there is very minimal pressure IF ANY to reciprocate an honor name. I am trying to think how I would feel if someone had used my name as a middle name for their child while I was still having my children—and I think that EVEN WITH my natural anxiety and unusually high interest in baby naming, I would not feel pressure; at worst, I think I would feel a flicker of anxiety about it, and then would be easily able to talk myself through all the reasons I shouldn’t feel the anxiety.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Name update:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Hi Swistle,<\/p>\n

I wanted to write back and provide an update. <\/p>\n

Thank you so much for your insightful response, and to your readers for their input as well! <\/p>\n

We decided to wait until the baby was born to share her name, and we’re glad we did. <\/p>\n

Brynn Gitte was born on October 2nd, and we felt such joy sharing the news with namesake Gitte. She was surprised, but said she couldn’t be more honored and proud of the baby having her name. <\/p>\n

Thanks again!<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hi Swistle, I’m a 2nd time mama-to-be, and a long time reader. I’m due with a baby girl at the end of September, and have a question about honor names as middle names. What is the etiquette around telling the person you want to honor (she’s very much alive) that you plan to use her […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13661","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-name-update"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3iyiG-3yl","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13661","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13661"}],"version-history":[{"count":22,"href":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13661\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":13852,"href":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13661\/revisions\/13852"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13661"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13661"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13661"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}