{"id":12050,"date":"2016-04-18T09:12:08","date_gmt":"2016-04-18T13:12:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/?p=12050"},"modified":"2016-04-20T09:28:12","modified_gmt":"2016-04-20T13:28:12","slug":"baby-naming-issue-choosing-a-name-for-a-baby-who-has-died","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/2016\/04\/18\/baby-naming-issue-choosing-a-name-for-a-baby-who-has-died\/","title":{"rendered":"Baby Naming Issue: Choosing a Name for a Baby Who Has Died"},"content":{"rendered":"

Hello, dear Swistle.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve written to you previously\u2014you posted my a question about my daughter\u2019s name on your blog (Baby Naming Issue: How Will the Royal Engagement Affect the Name Kate?<\/a>) and you helped with my son\u2019s name back when you were doing private name consultations.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been eagerly anticipating writing to you again, since my husband and I were joyfully expecting baby #3 in September. I planned to write to you last week after we found out the baby\u2019s sex, but when we went in for our anatomy scan the baby didn\u2019t have a heartbeat. We are devastated, and it\u2019s very important to us to still name this baby. In the shock and chaos of finding out that the baby had died and then being rushed into having a D&E that night, I never asked if the baby was a boy or a girl. We sent chromosome testing, though, so I anticipate knowing the baby\u2019s sex in a couple of weeks.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m finding that I have a very different set of criteria for naming this baby now that he or she is no longer living, since, much as it pains me to admit this to myself, the name will not be used often outside of our family. For example, I\u2019m not very concerned about coordinating the name with siblings (who are Emeline Anne and Samuel Albert) or the flow of the name with our last name.<\/p>\n

We are set if the baby is a boy. We will name him Theodore James, and refer to him as Teddy. Theodore was on our list before the baby died, but my husband and I didn\u2019t agree on using Theo vs. Teddy as a nickname. We both really love Teddy for a little baby, though. We also love that Theodore means \u201cgift from God\u201d, since we still feel this baby is a gift to our family, short though his or her life may have been.<\/p>\n

We are stuck on a girl\u2019s name. Before the baby died, the only girl names we actually agreed upon were Kate (in my mind short for Katherine, although that was a point of disagreement) and Grace. (I\u2019d been lobbying for Margaret or Amelia, but hadn\u2019t gotten very far.) The middle name was to be Eleanor to honor my grandmother. I find myself feeling very, very torn about using these names\u2014especially Eleanor. I think it\u2019s likely we\u2019ll try to have another baby, and part of me wants to save the names. But then that thought always makes me cry, because it\u2019s a very real acknowledgement that, in time, this baby will not be a part of our every day lives. Plus, even if we have another baby, it could easily be a boy. (I\u2019m not worried about \u201csaving\u201d boy names since my husband and I have a long list of boy names that we both love, whereas we always struggle to agree on girl names.)<\/p>\n

My husband and I both adore the name Violet, but I\u2019ve always hesitated to use it because to my ear it sounds a lot like \u201cviolent\u201d. I\u2019ve been in considerable distress over consenting to a D&E instead of waiting to have a natural miscarriage, so I don\u2019t want to use a name that makes me free associate to the word violent.<\/p>\n

The only new name that we\u2019ve seriously considered this week is Lucy. We both love the name, but my husband doesn\u2019t like any of the longer forms, like Lucia or Lucille. I\u2019d rejected the name before the baby died because I didn\u2019t like that Emeline (whom we often call Emmy) would have a longer, more formal name while her sister did not, plus Lucy is a little singsongy with our last name. (Which, Emmy is too, but I\u2019m okay with that since it\u2019s a nickname.) Since the baby was miscarried, those concerns are gone, and the name is back on the list.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve also thought about using Eleanor as a first name. We ruled it out when the baby was living since Ellie is my favorite nickname for Eleanor, but some people call me that. I don\u2019t feel like we necessarily need a nickname for this baby\u2019s name, though. The plus side of using Eleanor is that my grandmother is in her mid-90\u2019s and mentally sharp, so this gives us the chance to use the honor name while she is still alive and aware of it. I *think* she would find it special and meaningful to have the baby named after her even though the baby died, but I suppose it gets into a little bit of a dicey situation. I also don\u2019t love repeating Emmy\u2019s initial, although I could get over that.<\/p>\n

If you have any suggestions about girl names with special meanings, like how Theodore means \u201cgift from God\u201d, we are very open to ideas. Or, if you have any other thoughts about the special considerations of naming a miscarried baby, I would be interested to know that, too.<\/p>\n

Love, Ellen<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

 <\/p>\n

I am so sorry. This is a sad and important task.<\/p>\n

I wonder if you would like to use Theodora\/Theadora, Dorothea, or Dorothy for a girl. They have the same meaning as Theodore. As a child, I had Theodora\/Theadora on my list of Most Awesome Names Ever, because that was the era of “short boyish nicknames for long feminine names” (Samantha\/Sam, Francesca\/Frank, Winifred\/Fred, etc.). I like the idea of calling the baby Teddy either way (which would also let you start referring to the baby by name immediately), or I like the idea of using Teddy for a boy or Dolly\/Dottie\/Thea\/Dorrie for a girl.<\/p>\n

I am not sure about using your grandmother’s name Eleanor. I’m going back and forth on it a little. I feel the urge to save it, and I feel the sadness of that; I like the idea of your grandmother having the chance to hear of a namesake while she is alive, and I feel the sadness of that, too. And I see the diceyness of the whole thing. I think if it were me, I would end up saving the name Eleanor, but I would be very uncertain.<\/p>\n

I like the idea of using Katherine and calling her Kate\/Katie; it feels pleasingly similar to Theodore\/Teddy. I have the urge to save names (as I do with the name Eleanor), but I wonder if some names will feel too much as if they belonged to this pregnancy\/child, and might not feel usable later on. This would vary from person to person; I’m not sure how I would feel. In general, I think I am favor of “Use the name that feels right NOW, and let the future worry about itself.” But this is from the person who just said she’d probably save Eleanor.<\/p>\n

I think Lucy is another excellent choice.<\/p>\n

For boys, more names that mean “gift from God”\/”God has given”:<\/p>\n

Jonathan
\nMatthew
\nNathan
\nNathaniel
\nZebediah<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That meaning is less common for girl names; some names that mean “adored”\/”beloved”\/”dear one”:<\/p>\n

Cara
\nCarina
\nCarissa
\nCaro
\nCarys
\nCordelia
\nSuki<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Name update:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Swistle,<\/p>\n

Thank you for posting my question about naming my miscarried baby. Sending the question was important to me since I had written to you for my other two babies; it felt like a tangible way of saying this baby was just as loved and wanted as those babies. So, your kind and thoughtful response meant a lot to me on more than one level. I really loved all of your ideas. And your commenters are just lovely, aren\u2019t they? I read each one and cried over the kindness and support they offered. I also so appreciated their suggestions for the baby\u2019s name.<\/p>\n

We got chromosome results today and our baby was a girl. Her name is Lucy Eleanor.<\/p>\n

I called my grandma yesterday and talked to her about using Eleanor. She said she would be deeply honored to have this baby named after her, and I decided that I wanted to make sure I got to use her name. If I don\u2019t use it now, who knows if I\u2019ll ever get to use it? But it was a tough, tough call.<\/p>\n

My almost 5 year old daughter is furious that we\u2019re not naming her sister Starflower, but my husband and I feel happy with the name we chose. (I did offer Emmy the option of using Starflower as a second middle name for Lucy, but anything less than first name placement is unacceptable, apparently.) Thank you again.<\/p>\n

Love, Ellen<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hello, dear Swistle. I\u2019ve written to you previously\u2014you posted my a question about my daughter\u2019s name on your blog (Baby Naming Issue: How Will the Royal Engagement Affect the Name Kate?) and you helped with my son\u2019s name back when you were doing private name consultations. I\u2019ve been eagerly anticipating writing to you again, since […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12050","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-name-update"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3iyiG-38m","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12050","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12050"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12050\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":12068,"href":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12050\/revisions\/12068"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12050"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12050"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swistle.com\/babynames\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12050"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}