After Mother’s Day, for which Paul regressed to his pre-prefrontal-cortex early 20s and said “She’s not MY mother” and he and the children did literally nothing, many of us, including me, were wondering what I might do for Father’s Day. There were so many satisfying, vengeful options to consider.
Here is what I decided: That even if Paul shrugs off his parental duty to teach the children to celebrate Mother’s Day, I’m not going to retaliate by shrugging off my parental duty to teach the children to celebrate Father’s Day. That in fact, if one parent is going to model selfishness and thoughtlessness, the other parent needs to STEP IT UP on those topics, however unfair that seems, if there is any hope of avoiding raising selfish, thoughtless jerks. And that if by doing this, I could passive-aggressively point out to the children and Paul that Mother’s Day had been done very poorly indeed, and teach them to do better in the future, then that would be a bonus.
Five days before Father’s Day, I began. I mentioned to the children in an enthusiastic voice that Father’s Day was the upcoming Sunday. I asked if they had thought of what they wanted to do for it. I told them they should let me know in plenty of time if they needed help/money from me. I gave some suggestions, based on things they would know their dad likes/wants:
making him a card
offering to go out and get a box of doughnuts
vacuuming out his car
shaking out his car’s floor mats
taking his car through a car wash (I’d pay)
taking his car to fill with gasoline (I’d pay)
sweeping the living room without being asked
cleaning up the living room without being asked
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
vacuuming the stairs
doing any of the other little things Paul usually tells them to do, but without being asked
After I’d mentioned the importance of thinking about the person and what THEY might like, Rob said scoffingly, “Or instead, we could just ask him what he wants?” Well, I said. Parents spend EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR telling children what to do. So part of the gift is DOING THE THING YOU KNOW THE PARENT WANTS YOU TO DO but without the parent having to ask this time; part of the gift is THE BREAK FROM HAVING TO ASK. Part of the gift is THINKING ABOUT WHAT THE PARENT MIGHT WANT, rather than forcing them to tell you AS PER USUAL.
Rob played into my hands again. He said “We didn’t do anything for Mother’s Day, did we?”—with a tone of so-why-are-we-suddenly-doing-this. And I said no, we hadn’t, and I pretended to misinterpret the gist of his question. I said that although it was tempting to get revenge on Dad by doing the same for Father’s Day, since I blamed him to some extent for not organizing the children into action, that I didn’t think that would be right—and that it would sacrifice a valuable teaching opportunity for the children. Rob said he didn’t think it would be revenge, he thought it would just be a step (“in the right direction,” his tone added) toward letting these “minor holidays” go uncelebrated. I did not cry or scream, even though his continued use of Tone made it tempting. Well, I said, I didn’t think so; I said that it had been pretty sucky to spend Mother’s Day seeing pictures on Facebook of all my friends doing Mother’s Day things with their families. So I didn’t think doing less was the answer. There was a significant pause.
Rob tried to blame Paul but quickly petered out, like he could tell there was no leg to stand on there. He brought up that he had ASKED Paul about Mother’s Day. I said, yes. And that I’d heard him ask, and that I’d heard Paul say “She’s not MY mother,” and that that was wrong and sad and here’s why, and here’s how Paul could have presented the same concept in a very different and useful way (“Well, she’s your mother; what do YOU think we should do?”). But. That the essence of what Paul had been saying was: It’s YOUR job to figure this out. Because she’s YOUR mother. Pointed look.
Rob wrote something down in a notebook. “I’m making a note to do something next year,” he said.
Lest you celebrate his change of heart: after all this, he let Father’s Day go by without doing anything. He went to work mid-afternoon, having done nothing at all. Despite discussion. Despite follow-up questions/reminders. Despite a sad face and personal testimony and a significant pause.
Mid-morning (while Rob was still asleep—he’s working second shift) is when I reminded the other children. “Are you remembering it’s Father’s Day?,” I asked them. “Are you all set? Do you need anything from me?” Sometimes I made sure that we were having these whispered conversations near enough to Paul that he would be aware that they were going on.
Mid-afternoon is when a low simmering anger kicked in. “You ungrateful wretches,” I didn’t say. “You horrible, selfish, spoiled beasts,” I didn’t add. “Where have we gone so wrong in our parenting?,” I didn’t wonder aloud. “How many of your future partners will blame ME for this?,” I didn’t speculate aloud. I did not scream or cry, or get in the car and keep driving away from these terrible people who are apparently younger versions of their father.
“It’s mid-afternoon; what are you PLANNING?,” I did in fact ask. “Come on, you’re running out of time!,” I did add. When I got shrugs, when William said “I haven’t done anything for Father’s Day since 6th grade,” when some of the kids started seriously arguing to me that OTHERS of the kids hadn’t done anything, that’s when I gave the rage a little leash. “This is one of two days a year we ask you to think of someone other than your own self,” I said. “Thinking of what to do is PART OF THE GIFT,” I said. “YOU are supposed to be thinking about Dad and what he might like,” I added. “I gave you ideas, and I gave them to you FIVE DAYS AGO,” I hissed. “Do something, do ANYTHING, but DO NOT LET THIS DAY JUST SLIP AWAY UNCELEBRATED,” I said with my hair smoking gently, lit with resentment about Mother’s Day and now new fresh resentment about Father’s Day.
When even that failed to yield results, I considered not telling you about it. It makes things look better on me and on the children if I have eager, willing, generous, easily-led children, and if all Paul needed to do was nudge/help the poor confused dears instead of thwarting/stunting them. It looks badly on me and on the children if I cannot kindly and easily coax them into lifting a pinky finger for their father. I hope you are empathetic enough to realize that this does not mean I want other people to say critical things about my children. I assume you and I can exchange A Look about it, possibly a CONCERNED Look, and have that be enough.
Eventually, with increased incredulous effort and sustained hissing, I achieved grudging results. One child cleaned the bathroom sink/counter, even though Paul does not particularly value that chore—but at least the thought/effort was there, and it was the child’s own thought/idea. One child brought out a card he had made at school but had not previously mentioned for some inexplicable reason. I coerced the other two children to come outside with me and work on Paul’s car: we shook out the floor mats and vacuumed the floor and threw away trash.
I gave Paul two presents, even though he is not my father. One was four pairs of Pair of Thieves socks from Target; they have this new line that costs EIGHT UNITED STATES DOLLARS PER PAIR for plain solid-colored socks, and because they changed colors the old colors were 70% off, so I got him four pairs to try. I’d also noticed recently that his favorite measuring-cup device had gotten badly chipped, so I replaced it with a new one.
Also, all day I kept up with dishes and getting them washed and/or into the dishwasher, because I know he doesn’t like having dirty dishes piling up on the counter. I washed a difficult dish he’d left to soak in the sink instead of leaving it for him to deal with. At the grocery store I made sure to get him the things he likes. I vacuumed the stairs because none of the kids did it and it really needed doing. I took care of several other things. It occurred to me that one reason he doesn’t think to do things like this to please me is that maybe he doesn’t notice/care when I do these things to please him. I tried not to think about that.
Sunday is one of the nights of the week when he cooks, so I thought about offering to take over that task for him, even though he claims to like cooking. But I could not quite work up the enthusiasm for that. I got him some presents, I worked with his terrible children, I was thoughtful about other things, and that is going to have to be enough for someone who did literally nothing for Mother’s Day.
I’m a long time reader, never-commenter, but I was in the same situation with the exact same phrase uttered by my husband on Mother’s Day and I actually thought about you yesterday and couldn’t wait to read your post!
I did something very similar for Father’s Day: a gift from me with a card, reminding the children, thoughtful tasks throughout the day. It felt GOOD. Mostly because I could tell he was thinking twice about his Mother’s Day fail. And getting my husband to thoughtfully consider past actions is a major task in and of itself.
I think you (we) did the right thing :)
I had my first Mother’s Day and it was disappointing. Literally allllll I wanted was a hand or footprint of my baby and/or a card. My husband took me to my favorite town and we drove around to some of the places I liked to go in my single days. No card, no little craft. Honestly, I thought our daycare would do this and when they didn’t I asked my husband if he would. He got all huffy that since the teachers didn’t do anything now he had to. He has a lot of redeeming qualities but this is where he dropped the ball.
So… This Father’s Day I bought him a card from me and 2 cards from our son since I couldn’t decide. I had the baby scribble on them for a signature. I took pictures of the baby in my husband’s shoes and made a 3-part picture frame with the theme “Our baby has some big shoes to fill”. He teared up over the present and we had a nice family breakfast together. I hope he understands what I’m looking for next year and takes note.
I am returning your LOOK with an eye-roll and, if we were in person, I’d share a story about how I had a moment recently where I felt quite certain I am raising MONSTERS, which seems odd because they have such a GOOD MOTHER. And then we’d both feel better knowing that other nice people’s children sometimes suck too.
Yes.
Ditto.
Is it bad that I had several LOL moments reading this? Your writing is SO VERY WONDERFUL. You should have a book for sale.
“…continued use of Tone…” Oh, my.
Really, so many very good parts. I’m exceedingly sorry for your unhelpful, ungrateful ENTIRE family, but I do so love to read your stories.
Swistle, I think you’re a saint! I would have been eaten alive with anger and frustration and bad feelings. I would almost certainly have shrieked horribly at my daughters. And I would have been mightily pissed off on Mother’s Day (and the world would have known).
What a frustrating experience, from start to finish. I feel that you deserve to treat yourself, Mother’s Day-style, for the intense effort you put into Father’s Day, especially since your people were so incredibly resistant to your guidance and good counsel. I was gritting my teeth through that post on your behalf.
This did make me laugh, though: “One child brought out a card he had made at school but had not previously mentioned for some inexplicable reason.”
Like, what?? In repeated conversations, somehow he never brought up that he had a card ready to go. Perhaps if he’d spoken up sooner, his siblings would have wanted to follow suit?
I also laughed ruefully at “I gave Paul two presents, even though he is not my father.”
The tiniest consolation comes from Rob making a note to himself to do something next year. Let’s not get our hopes up.
My child gave me the Mother’s Day gift he made in school…the Friday before Father’s Day.
Did this gift perhaps come on the last day of school, when the child cleaned out the locker/cubby/backpack?
Several of my coworkers received very nice month-late teacher appreciation week gifts on the day of locker clean-out!
I also found hope in Rob writing himself a note to do something next year. I think you handled the conversation with him wonderfully and I really admire you for it. Maybe, since he’s the oldest, next year he’ll tell his siblings that they should also do something. Or, they will simply see his example and that might be enough.
Either way, thank you for sharing all of this honestly and writing about so very, very well.
…I said with my hair smoking gently, lit with resentment about Mother’s Day and now new fresh resentment about Father’s Day.”
Best. Sentence. Ever. My hair often smokes gently but I’ve never been articulate enough to describe it.
You’re a good mother.
I agree! My favourite sentence!
i love you. that is all.
When Rob said that it would be a step in the right direction to start letting minor holidays go uncelebrated I imagine it was tempting to respond with something such as “… like your birthday? fine” but you obviously handled this in a more productive way. My mom has a magnet that says “raising teenagers is like nailing jello to the wall” and I feel like this was one of those situations. I think you should buy yourself a well deserved treat for Father’s Day and bask in the fact that there are no more gift giving holidays for several months.
I thought about you non-stop this weekend. And I think you did an excellent job with Father’s Day. I am REALLY SORRY it worked out the way it did, but you continue to reside atop the very peak of kindness and thoughtfulness in my estimation and I continue to admire you deeply and try to be more like you as a parent and a person. NOT THAT ANY OF THAT HELPS, but it is all I have.
We do mother’s and father’s day differently.
we usually all DO SOMETHING together. and yesterday I woke up child and said ‘quick, make your dad a card!’ and like two weeks ago I had bought spouse a cute shirt I thought he would like. then we went to breakfast, went to an art museum, and then had dinner at spouses choice of food place. this seems easier and there is less chance of simmering resentment? but, since we also do a similar thing for mother’s day it is ALSO a compromise on my part since what I really want is a house cleaned by everyone else and a day ALONE to do whatever I want. so not exactly ideal since no one has asked me what I actually want for monther’s day… hmmmm.
Also, I think the ‘she’s not my mother’ argument is bunk. Since you wouldn’t be mothers and fathers without each other, each partner is obligated to think about the others day and to do something about it. RIGHT?!?
We do something similar, and I also often wish I just got the day to myself. Growing up, the celebrated parent didn’t have to do any chores all day (we did this for birthdays, too, so we kids also got a day off once in a while), but I think that came out of the chronic arguments my parents had over division of labor (as in, my mom did most of it). It’s much more equal around our house, and with very small children, it seems unfair to burden the other parent with EVERYTHING just because of the day. But we were traveling and visited friends this year on Father’s Day, and sure enough, their agreement seemed to be that he got to do whatever he wanted and didn’t have to wrangle the kids if he didn’t want to, so he and my husband sat and watched sportsball, and my poor girlfriend had to keep popping up in the middle of our conversation when the kids were fighting or breaking the rules – even though the guys were closer and could hear much better what was going on. At one point, when her husband called to her to deal with yet another spat, my friend stood up, rolled her eyes, and spit out, “I HATE Father’s Day.” I honestly think there’s nothing wrong with a parent wanting to just have the day to do whatever they want, but if I had that arrangement, I would get the heck out of the house so the other parent didn’t have to handle everything while watching me sit on my ass.
Yes. This.
“She’s not MY mother” — straight from my father’s mouth. I hoped he was teasing, but…real close to the line there.
“But Daaaaaad!!!” we protested. “Fine, we’ll do something without your help.”
Also, “OK, so what are you doing for Grandma???” Big sigh. He didn’t particularly appreciate that line of questioning, either. Damn smarty pants kids.
Glad you survived the holiday.
You are my hero.
I came to say the exact same thing! While reading, I kept repeating to myself: Swistle is my hero.
I am returning your LOOK with a healthy side dose of why did I have kids anyway feelings. To review: my spouse also said “she’s not my mom” and was also at work for half of Mother’s Day and he did zip to help the kids celebrate Mother’s Day.
For Father’s Day, I spent a lot of energy helping mine make cards (including three meltdowns by the 5 year old.) and we came up with a fun gift that he would really like and that he gets to pick out. And I got up with kids and they made their version of a breakfast (trail mix, apple, nuts, cheese stick, cookie) and I cooked one of his favorite breakfasts. And then he went back to bed with a headache and I spent Father’s Day morning with the kids. Sigh.
I have decided that since the point of Mother’s Day is the mother-child relationship, and Father’s Day is the father-child relationship, that next year I will spend all of Mother’s Day with my kids, enjoying our relationship, and Father’s Day my husband can do the same thing and I will take myself away for the day. Not out of spite exactly, but to focus on the parent-child relationship without me having to micro manage. Sigh.
We do celebrations first thing. You come out of your room to find your card and gifts in the living room where we all seem to start our day. There might be some activity or a meal/cake later as part of it. FWIW my crew is into cards and gifts to open, so that helps. Acts of service would never cut it with them. They would not think of that as a suitable gift, they would not volunteer that as a gift, and I don’t have the strength to push for it.
Sometimes all you can do is add up what you do like about family life and hope that it will be a longer list than what you don’t like about it.
This second paragraph is wisdom writ large (and probably prevents much blood- and tearshed!)!
The only way I managed to make it through this without MY hair lighting on fire was to imagine you doing nothing for these children’s birthdays. Mine aren’t much better but they are easily led. Goodness I’m angry for you all over again. But please know I’ve never doubted you’re a truly wonderful mother.
I love this post. You did a great job with Father’s Day. I love that I am not the only one who needs to coax their children to behave in thoughtful ways. You are setting a great example.
yes!
So what did Paul have to say about any of it? Anything?
He had no particular comment, just pleasant/pleased acceptance of things done/given. My fantasy hope is that he was thinking, “Actually it’s kind of nice to have a little low-key fuss made on this day! I guess I see why Swistle wanted this! And this gives me some ideas for next year!”
Have you heard of the book “The five love languages”? Reading about the different reactions and expectations has made me wonder if there isn’t a disconnect about what people feel is important and to be appreciated at work here.
The book is written by a guy who’s a family or marriage counselor (can’t remember) and he says that over the decades, he realized that there are five different ways people express love and feel loved through, and if two people use different languages they may both feel unloved while also both feeling they are putting a lot of effort in and the partner very little.
The languages are physical touch, acts of service, words of encouragement/appreciation, quality time and gifts. I got it at the recommendation of a friend and was surprised how much I could see both myself and members of my family and also friends in there. It’s worth picking up, or just getting it from the library (reading it and seeing the examples once is probably enough to grasp the concept). There are also online tests you can do, and do for your children as well.
There was a lot of discussion about this on the Mother’s Day post.
I’m afraid I would not have been able to help being VERY VERY LOUD and probably saying a lot of regrettable things, so I hope you can at least take solace in the fact that you’re a better person than I.
THIS.
So much this. Good job Swistle.
I may come back later when my own hair has stopped smoking with rage…but I want to chime in right away with…empathy is LEARNED and it’s not an easy or a linear lesson, even with bright kids. Who are not sociopaths. THOUGH IT OFTEN FEELS THAT WAY AND REQUIRES COCKTAILS AND EYE ROLLS. Like, objectively I can think, “I have to remind my kids EVERY DANG DAY to [fill in the blank with your choice], so of course I also have to remind them how not to be little *ssholes.” But emotionally, it’s a gut punch. AND ALSO, WHY IS THIS SO OFTEN ON THE WOMENFOLK TO DO THE REMINDING, FER CHRISSAKE?!?!?!?
…ah, the hair bonfire rages anew.
“…ah, the hair bonfire rages anew.” I am going to whisper this to myself in the dark. XD
This is both reassuring and aggravating. So they didn’t fuss over you, but now it sound less like they didn’t care about showing YOU attention and more like they just aren’t keen on doing any fussing at all. Great, it’s not personal. But then they didn’t seem to respond to your encouragement, so maybe Paul can point to that and say, “See, even if I had tried to get them to do something, it wouldn’t have made a difference, so I was just saving myself some aggravation.” And that is not really how it went.
My kids, 9 and 6, were the same. I kept reminding them throughout the day. They dished out a couple Happy Fathers Day’s, but were mostly meh about it. It was difficult, though, since we spent most of the day taking our 9yo to camp for the first time, which was crazy stressful. By the evening I couldn’t tell if he was disappointed that they didn’t fuss or just tired from spending 2.5 hours wandering around the camp in 94 degree heat with 200 strangers.
(I meant to comment on the other post, but she’s going to a camp run by the Catholic church, but it’s not a “church camp.” After that post, I made a point to have a conversation with her about the religious part. Hubs and I were both raised Catholic and resented having it forced on us. We don’t go to church and our kids aren’t baptized. She has shown some curiosity about it, so I told her if she want to attend services, she could. However, she absolutely did not have to if she didn’t want to, and if anyone tried to pressure her anyway, she wouldn’t get in trouble from us for holding her ground and telling them to back off.)
Imagine me sitting on my comfy couch next to you. My LOOK somehow encapsulates compassion, commiseration, light annoyance (with gender nonsense), and also mild amusement.
I’ve gotta say I’m sort of happy that the lack of interest is equal for both MD and FD. It’s cold comfort, but it’s egalitarian. And I had an epiphany about Rob! Remember when you were in college and you started feeling MORE ENLIGHTENED THAN SOCIETY and why don’t we all just eat ramen and never celebrate holidays because SOCIETAL BRAINWASHING? I had a few moments like that in college, and I was so stupid. Having experimented with minimalist holidays and the inevitable depression that follows, I have learned to mark special days, because I am a part of 21st century Midwestern society, gosh darn it, and I feel left out if I don’t acknowledge it.
All of which is to say that the kids may change their minds spontaneously. Or not! You all are a rockin’ family no matter how you mark these days. xoxo
Thank you for the update. I was thinking of you all day yesterday
I am convinced society would be much better off if Mother’s Day and Father’s Day were switched. Women could model appropriate behavior for Father’s Day in May and there’s a chance men could remember it and imitate it a month later for Mother’s Day. As it is, I have little hope that the clueless men can remember what to do 11 months later. We should get some female politicians on this.
Ehh, not sure who I feel about it. I understand where you’re going, but:
#1. I reject the idea that men can’t be selfless and compassionate human beings on their own, without a woman having to model good behavior for grown men.
#2. I’m not sure I buy into the fact that most of the disconnect between Paul and Swistle regarding this issue is due to gender. In my own relationship, my BF is MUCH more attentive, wanting to recognize special holidays and anniversaries, and all around caring towards me than I am towards him. It’s not that I DON’T care for him, it’s that I am naturally a lazy person (even when it comes to stuff that I need to do for myself) so my first instinct isn’t to go and DO STUFF. I”m learning because I love him and want to be as attentive as I can be for him. Point is, I”m a woman and he’s a man. If anything, he’s had to model good relationship practices for me. So I don’t believe it has to do with gender. I believe it has to do with the individual and their individual personality traits.
I think it’s not that it CAN’T be about gender, it’s that it’s USUALLY about gender, because of the way we are socialized. That’s what gender is — a construct. Men are often given a pass about this sort of behavior in every area of their lives, and not regularly brought up to do small, thoughtful things or asked to wonder what other people would like or enjoy. Women, on the other hand, are not typically brought up to sit and watch TV while someone else is preparing a meal, unless they are hospitalized. While your relationship is different, and that’s great, it’s still true that most men and women are still sadly socialized by the patriarchy, and have to do a lot of work to get over ingrained behaviors.
Understood, but aren’t those stereotypes we should be working to invalidate? The more we give men that pass and the more we attribute certain qualities only to men and other qualities only to women, the longer these gender stereotypes will go on.
We have to start somewhere and for me that’s rejecting the idea that women have to teach men to do certain things. Rather, the partner that has more of a better quality should model that quality to the other partner, regardless of which partner is the man or the women. I think words matter and I think it’s an unnecessary burden to put on women to state that we should have to be models for our men.
Oooh, I love a good update. Or rather…an update. What a frustrating day.
Kiddo’s dad (my ex) is the sort of loathsome person that will open a gift and ruefully point out how it doesn’t have the features he wants, so we just skipped it and got him a gift card to Amazon. I asked her to put in the equivalent of two week’s allowance as 1/3 of the cost, and I would fund the other 2/3. I found out during that process that he made her purchase my entire mother’s day gift using her own money (SIX WEEKS OF HER ALLOWANCE). He doesn’t pay her allowance. I was floored at his selfishness.
That is enraging. OMG.
HAIR. ON. FIRE.
I am sorry, that is awful.
OMG Yes Hair On Fire.
I am so happy that I cut my hair very short because I only have a small fire on my head right now. OMG.
I want to stand next to your ex, close enough that my hair flames leave scars.
All the hair burning omg
I have this kind of situation at times with my children, not about Mother’s/Father’s Day but occasions where I feel like perhaps my Active Parenting style has created mentally lazy kids who Just Didn’t Think About It (whatever It is). We just have to soldier on and hope repeated teaching & modeling will help.
(Though occasionally I think back to my own childhood and think—did I hang up my bath towels? Clean the hair out after my shower? Put my dishes in the dishwasher? And I have no memory of even THINKING of those things so perhaps all is not lost.)
Dear Swistle
You are a riot–
Thank You!
I was wondering about you yesterday, as I was in a rage over – get this switch – over my husband’s behavior (I’m debating a blog post about it – but need to wait for my hair to cool off before I make that decision).
Good for you for taking the high road. And excellent points were made to Rob. You are doing an awesome job raising your children.
Oh, Swistle, this is all so vexing. I’m sorry. And I hope your efforts eventually bear fruit.
How has your family celebrated Mother’s/Father’s Day in years past? Was it a case of gradually doing less every year until it crossed into nothing? If it’s true William (and maybe some of the others?) haven’t done anything for FD in 5 years, I can see why it might be hard to get them all moving back into a gift-giving direction. I wonder if it has to do with the kids getting older and getting no prompts at school any more. I’m guessing the card-maker was the one who’s still in elementary school. Our kids only made stuff for MD at school in preschool and early elementary school and the first year the oldest didn’t make anything at school, it took us by surprise and we had to scramble to organize things for each other.
Thanks for the update. I also was wondering how it went for you. You are a saint and when I want to let my family have it, I often think What Would Swistle Do and I try to be more patient with them. I’ll bet your children will think back on this later in life (especially after becoming parents themselves) and cringe. Love how you flipped the script on Rob. I’m taking notes too!
It wasn’t until my son became a toddler that I realised how frustrating children can be. You can’t control them because they’re their own people but you feel like you should be able to because you’re expected to suddenly make them perfect people even though people have been trying to do this for Millenia and failing. I do take some solace in the realisation that everyone is a buttface at some point or another, it would be pretty lonely to be the one perfect person in a sea of buttfaces. We can at least save our children from that loneliness.
I am having a hard time not having vengeful hopes regarding your planning of their birthdays this year. As a (probably more appropriate) outlet for that rage, would it be possible to involve (or involve more heavily) the other kids in the birthday celebrations of their siblings? It might feel productive to force them to have more practice being thoughtful regarding other people.
I think that is a BRILLIANT idea. I am implementing immediately in my house. I no longer make all the plans/buy all the gifts!!
I’m very curious to see if this is an age related thing! Based on some of the other comments here I’m leaning towards it being so. My own children are 9 and younger and so are still very excited about any sort of holiday, but I would not be surprised if interest/participation wanes in the tween and teenage years. Hopefully once they reach that stage where they realize just how much their parents do/have done, and that parents might *actually* know some things that they don’t, then their training will kick in!
My husband and I always say that children are born barbarians, and it takes a very, very long time to civilize them at all. So much sympathy, Swistle. You are doing such a great thing, uphill both ways.
How was Paul how was Paul how was Paul?? Did he offer any recognition of Fathers Day in comparison to Mothers Day? Did he acknowledge the kids’ efforts at all? I’m dying to know!
He was his usual amiable self. He was appreciative of the things the kids did, and praised their work, and then re-praised it later (like, the next day: “I really noticed how much cleaner my car was on my drive to work today!”). He liked the things I gave him and made good faces/noises about them. No mention of anything about Mother’s Day, or the contrast. My hope, my possibly unrealistic hope, is that he silently Took Note: that he thought, “Wow, I can see how it really IS nice to have these little things done, and how it might be sad to have them NOT done.” (My more realistic expectation is that he thought “This is nice!” without applying it at all to anything else.)
He’s not going to remember. You should continue to encourage the kids to do the holidays for training purposes, but for Mother’s Day next year, you make it happen. I remember talk on the previous thread about how this can feel hollow, but I guarantee it will feel better than the incredulous waiting all day. Alter the dinner schedule so someone else is making your favorite and cleaning up. Don’t do chores as a matter of principle. Make yourself a fun appointment. Talk it up. Work the guilt, gurl.
Just want to ditto everything that everyone said. You are a very good mother, and person Swistle! Thank you for the update and thank you to all the commenters who offer words of sympathy and humor! Being a mother is so terribly frustrating sometimes.
Can I ask how birthdays are celebrated in your house? I’m wondering if Rob considers his birthday a major or minor holiday
I too am a bit curious what constitutes a major vs minor holiday for different people. I’ll go first: my husband and I don’t really celebrate Valentines Day, though I try to acknowledge it for my kids. But I wouldn’t call Father’s/Mother’s Days minor as we definitely do stuff for them. We each get the other something (our kids are 10 and 12 so they’ll probably take over that eventually), and the kids always make cards and maybe crafts for both of us. Father’s Day we definitely try to do what my husband wants for the day (we ask for his input), and likewise I get to say what we should do for most of Mother’s Day. Usually I want the house cleaned up a bit more than standard, and to pick what/where we should eat. He usually wants to go to a local car show that is conveniently held every Father’s Day, and he picks meals. All this, however, has to happen before dinner, and my mom and both our dads live locally, so it’s pretty much guaranteed that we’ll be at one of their places for dinner on the actual holiday.
Our wedding anniversary is probably more minor as we each get each other a gift and usually go out to eat dinner somewhere, but we don’t spend the day focusing on it.
I have a friend who gives herself a night in a hotel (SOLO) as a mother’s day present each and every year. Sounds like a dreeeeam…
I love your honesty in this post and the previous related posts. It makes me remember what my previous husband was like, the emotional burden of planning everything, being the only one to make things special, never feeling like he appreciated all I did and not helping with anything in any way. It helps me appreciate what I have now (the opposite, which is wonderful) and realize that he never would have changed and my anger at him was anger at myself for putting up with it so long, and making myself feel like I wasn’t worth the effort and time. And then I realize I need to put more effort into celebrating little milestones in my relationship, because my parter seems to value the celebrations of love even more than I do.
Please keep up being exactly who you are. All these little things you do add up into something that you may never realize. And along the way you make so many of us smile. And grimace. And laugh.
Intermittently throughout Sunday, I wondered how things were at your house. You pulled that off with class, way to take the high road, sister!
Rob’s comment about not celebrating the unimportant holidays, while at face value seems to be assy, is pretty typical teen stuff, I think. I remember spending years, YEARS SWISTLE, telling anyone who would listen what crap Valentine’s Day is, how it’s just a made-up unimportant lame holiday, but I think that is just a factor of being young. Sort of flouting what Society Thinks Is Important. I do recall young men saying things like they didn’t need a special day to celebrate their mother (re: Mother’s Day) but I’m guessing those same young men were not just randomly celebrating their mothers either. What I’m saying is that Rob’s comment – and the attitude of all the teens, probably – is not unusual or out of the ordinary, so it’s not like you’re raising a bunch of psychopathic ingrates. The very fact that Rob made a note and seemed affected by your hurt feelings is a huge deal. Kids like to shoot their mouths off, I think, but they probably do NOT want to actively hurt someone’s feelings.
PS We don’t really “celebrate” Valentine’s Day still, but if my husband didn’t say “I choo-choo-choose you” in the manner of Ralph Wiggam and send me a bee emoticon with “mine” behind it, I would be very sad indeed.
This!! We do the ch-ch-choose you thing too! Valentines is mainly about the kids and candy at our house but I make a point to find some ridiculous memes to send by text.
You are amazing. THESE MINOR HOLIDAYS made my hair start smoking a little.