Hi Swistle,
I’m a 2nd time mama-to-be, and a long time reader. I’m due with a baby girl at the end of September, and have a question about honor names as middle names. What is the etiquette around telling the person you want to honor (she’s very much alive) that you plan to use her name as the baby’s middle name?
Some background info: My son Reece is 2. Our last name is very Irish, and also the name of a spice company. My husband and I both have family ties to the UK and Ireland, so we felt good about Reece (easier to spell than the traditional Welsh Rhys). His middle name, Patrick, is an honor name of sorts; my brother, my husband, and my husband’s father all have the same middle name.
This baby girl will also have a first name with strong UK ties. We have a couple of front runners, but no clear winner yet. All the names we like are 1 syllable.
My question essentially is this: When I was 8, my brother and I had an au pair from Denmark named Gitte (roughly pronounced Ghee-da), and while she only lived with us for a year, she became a big sister to me and a huge influence on my life. For the past 15 years, I’ve see her in person every other year, and we are in constant communication. She was the first person in my “family” to meet Reece, flying to be with us 4 days after he was born. I would love to give this baby her name as a middle name. But, do I tell her in advance that we want to do this? Do I ask her permission? Or just surprise her with it?
My husband and I have discussed it, and he knows how important she is in my life. He’s gotten close to her over the last 9 years that we’ve been together, so he’s on board with using her name as our daughter’s middle name. I think my family will be a bit surprised, since it’s an unusual name for Americans, but since it’s a middle name, I don’t think it’s a big deal that it’s foreign (am I wrong?). I ultimately think my family will be supportive of her middle name. My husband isn’t very close with his family, so we’re not concerned with their opinions (although we think they won’t like it).
One other factor is that Gitte herself is pregnant with a baby girl, due around Thanksgiving. I definitely don’t want her to feel any pressure to in turn incorporate my name (American top 3 name of the mid 80s) into her daughter’s name. Would that somehow be implied as an expectation if I give my daughter the middle name Gitte? Am I just vastly overthinking this?
I’d love your input, or any advice your readers have! Thanks so much!
I don’t think there is any particular standard etiquette for it, but I will tell you the method I strongly suggest:
1. Wait until the baby is born.
2. Announce the name.
3. When you announce it to the honoree, add a sentimental sentence about the honor name (e.g., “You’ve been like a big sister to me”) so they don’t have to ask, “Wait, is that after me, or…?”
Asking permission is unnecessary, and telling in advance is risky: every so often we get a letter from a parent who told the honoree about an honor name but now has a reason to change their mind. Even if you’re certain you won’t change your mind, waiting until the birth gives the whole situation more ceremonial clout: you’re announcing it as a done deal instead of as a plan for the future, and the natural drama of the baby’s arrival adds to the emotional impact.
I think you’re right that it’s no big deal to have a name from another country as a middle name; it’s a fairly common practice for parents trying to incorporate an ancestor name or a name from their own countries of origin. Middle names tend to disappear after the birth announcements go out, so it’s a great place for a name that might feel too challenging for daily usage.
I would share in your slight nervousness that she might then feel pressured to reciprocate—but I think it’s likely you and I are both overthinking that part. There are so very many factors in deciding to use an honor name, including the name itself and how it works with other chosen names, the priority of using other names, the preference for using or not using honor names, the input of the other parent, etc., that I think there is very minimal pressure IF ANY to reciprocate an honor name. I am trying to think how I would feel if someone had used my name as a middle name for their child while I was still having my children—and I think that EVEN WITH my natural anxiety and unusually high interest in baby naming, I would not feel pressure; at worst, I think I would feel a flicker of anxiety about it, and then would be easily able to talk myself through all the reasons I shouldn’t feel the anxiety.
Name update:
Hi Swistle,
I wanted to write back and provide an update.
Thank you so much for your insightful response, and to your readers for their input as well!
We decided to wait until the baby was born to share her name, and we’re glad we did.
Brynn Gitte was born on October 2nd, and we felt such joy sharing the news with namesake Gitte. She was surprised, but said she couldn’t be more honored and proud of the baby having her name.
Thanks again!
IMO honor names are the very best reason not to announce the name ahead of time. This way you are the most likely to get the desired result. Announcing early can open the door to discussion. Once there’s a little person sporting the name, people fall in line and do the right thing–which is to enjoy your baby.
You don’t need to ask permission from a living relation; neither of our living honorees were upset that we used their names in the least. (Both in the middle slot, with deceased relatives in the primary one.) It -might- be a problem in Denmark, but probably not. As for the name choices, well, this wasn’t a problem for us since we never wanted to change them once we’d settled on them, especially the middle names. Michael being a solid name we both like anyway and Rae being DH’s all-time-favorite. (I like Great-Aunt Rae, too. She’s a sweetie and still around, bless her!)
I live in the American South, where honor names are very, VERY common. I don’t think anyone would feel pressure to reciprocate honor names in my culture. But I also agree that you should keep the name to yourself until the baby is born.
I would also keep it quiet for several reasons
* it’s a sweet surprise
* the reciprocal naming anxiety
* other family members wondering “well why didn’t you choose MY name?”
* absolutely ridiculous family reactions, for example – when I was pregnant with our oldest I learned that dh’s Great-gramdmother’s name had been Molly Elizabeth and I have ALWAYS loved the name Molly. As a very early discussion we mentioned that we loved the name and then his grandmother was just beside herself with joy that we were using her mother’s name. We had only mentioned loving it at that point but it was enough for her to run with it. Shortly we discovered that with our last name which begins with Mo, our daughter would probably come to be nicknamed Mo-Mo and that killed it for us. Shortly there after we discovered we were having a boy so, problem solved. I swear on a stack of baby-name books that his grandmother held a grudge that we decided not to use the name ON OUR NONEXISTENT DAUGHTER. I learned to keep names to myself after that.
I’d wait until the baby is born to announce. My son’s middle name is after my father, and announcing the name to him at the same time he was getting a new grandchild was so special! I think your friend will feel honored. I wouldn’t worry about the reciprocation thing.
I feel like if I felt the need to ask someone to use their name as an honor name, there’s probably a reason that I feel like I should ask rather than it being a sweet surprise, which would mean (for me) that it wouldn’t be the ideal person to honor. So, no, I don’t think you need to or should ask the honoree. I think Swistle nailed it – the emotional impact will be ever-the-more heightened when the surprise is revealed at the time of birth.
So here’s were I’m going to be really honest about your last point – if I were in Gitte’s position, I would feel some anxiety/stress/worry around the fact that you named your child after me and I should maybe do the same. I will disclaim this by saying I am inherently a very anxiety ridden person who tends to overthink EVERYTHING., so take this with a grain of salt. I have a feeling most ‘normal’ and logical people might have a single thought of unrequited honor naming awkwardness, but they’ll be able to logic their way out of it, so I wouldn’t think too much about that as a factor.
PS. I think it’s such a sweet honor name story – it kind of comes full circle – the au pair who took care of you as a child is now going to be part of your child’s life forever (in her name). TEAR!
Both our kiddos have honor middle names. We didn’t tell the honorees before hand.
My brother and his wife used an honor middle name for their kiddo, and told people before hand.
With both my kids, the honoree was, well, surprised and honored. If there were any family members who were upset or felt like they should’ve been honored instead, they haven’t said anything. We’ve gotten nothing but compliments on both of our kid’s names.
It was another story with my brother and his daughter’s name. There was one family member who didn’t stop complaining for the duration of the pregnancy that she wasn’t the one honored and would say snide comments like “you better name the next one after me.”
In my experience, if people don’t agree with your name choice they are a bit more likely to keep their mouths shut after Baby comes. Because who can complain about a name when there is a super sweet baby to tie it to?!
Maybe it will help you if you look at that reciprocation issue from a different angle?
Imagine that you decided NOT to name your daughter Gitte after all, even though you really want to, and then in November your friend surprises you with an announcement that she actually DID incorporated your name in her daughter’s name (or honored you in some other way)… Well, THAT would be awkward. And you would probably really regret not giving your precious little girl a name after a person who is so important to you (and probably will be for your daughter as well)…
And, besides, IMO the name Gitte sounds really cool (and kind of… French, like a combination of Juliette and Renee, or something like that). Long story short, it’s just too good not to use it, especially when you have such a great reason:)
(As for the dilemma whether to ask for “permission” or just announce your decision after the baby is born, I guess I would go with the latter option too.)
If Gitte was a childhood best friend, then I’d worry about the reciprocation thing. But she was your au pair, a caretaker for the OP, and that places a different light on it. The current friendship may be as two adult women, on a completely level social standing, but that’s not where it started, and not why she’s using the honor name. I don’t see Gitte needing to go tit for tat here. I mean, she may decide to use the OP’s name, but for reasons that are purely her own.
Me, I love it, and think it’s a lovely way to acknowledge the importance of this woman in the OPs life.
I agree with Swistle’s response. If you’re very worried she will feel pressured to reciprocate, you could use the cultural differences as a vehicle for a disclaimer — “We’re delighted to include your name in our baby’s, as you’ve been like a sister to me. I’m not sure what the custom is in Denmark, but there is no expectation for you to do the same!” I think that’s probably overkill, but it’s an option!
I hesitate a bit about not letting her know, without knowing Danish traditions. In my culture, it is an absolute no-no to name a child after another living person and I would be shocked and upset if a good friend told me that they had used my name for their child becaue of me (obviously if they just liked the name and it was a coincidence that I have the same one, I would not care). I think honor names are lovely and I love reading stories about grandparents/parents/siblings/friends who are touched to find out that a child was named after them, but these are in families where they know that the gesture will be taken well. Is there any other Danish person you could ask about how this might be perceived? Otherwise I would lean towards asking her in advance (with all the caveats mentioned above, ie this is a cultural thing, so that she doesn’t feel pressure to do the same).
Well, you may have a point with that potential cultural differences…
Where I live, kids are often named after their deceased relatives but it’s very rare to share a name with a living relative. For example, I was named after my grandmothers: my first name is a name of grandma who died before I was born, and the name of the living (at that time) grandma went to the middle name slot, which is a quite common naming practice here. (It probably has something to do with the belief, prevalent especially among older generations, that when two close relatives share a name, one of them will die early… Creepy, I know.)
However, if I understand it correctly, the mother wants to use her friend’s name in a middle name slot, so I don’t think it would be a problem even in Danmark (but, frankly speaking, I know next to nothing about Danish naming customs…).
We announced our son’s honor name (Francisco Martin for my husband’s father and my aunt (Martha) ahead of time because it gave us the chance to tie it to Christmas in a fun way. We embroidered a baby blanket with “Francisco” – wrapped it up and put it under the tree addressed to Francisco, then when my FIL opened it we were like OH NO, that’s not for you, that’s for the baby! – it really was a great family moment. But! We had no worries about changing the name, no concerns about anyone being against the name, no worries about anyone feeling the need to reciprocate and it gave us the chance to give an awesome Christmas “gift” without spending any money ;) .
How did you keep it secret! I could barely keep my IVF treatment a secret and the moment we were out of the hospital after finding out I was pregnant, I was on the phone to my MIL. Nearly made her crash her car. She had to pull over to hyperventilate for a minute.
will you be sad, in six months once Gitte’s baby comes and the anxiety is over, that you DIDN’T Use the name? It so,
Naming is so personal because it reflects something about YOU too with an honor name: that they meant so much to you you really would name a child after her.
If you’d be sad the baby didn’t get the honor name when she’s two, six, ten; use it. This will be a short period versus a lifetime being glad you honored whom you wanted to honor.
Both my children have “surprise” honor names, firsts and middles. In Jewish tradition, we only name after the dead so I never was able to tell the honoree. But the rest of my family, when told of my choices AFTER THE BABIES WERE BORN, were terribly touched and emotional and positive about the whole thing.
I vote 1) use Gitte, 2) make it a surprise.
Swistle is spot on. My sister used my first name as the middle name of her third daughter and I was so surprised and touched, and if anyone else was bent out of shape about it, they were facing a real baby with an actual name — i.e., they said nothing.