Swistle!
I need help with a verdict. I’m due in July with a girl, whose name will be Willa Rose. We have two boys, James Francis and Christopher Aaron. My question is about last names—both boys have my last name as a second middle name (Phel@n) and my husband’s last name (sounds like K@minsky). We’re going to give our daughter my last name as her last name—Phel@n. I also want to give her a second middle name of K@minsky, but my husband doesn’t want to. His reasons are: it’s clunky and annoying (it is, somewhat, for example, our first son’s second middle name was left off of his SS card, and it’s often included on documents as a last name along with his real last name—he’s only 2 and his paperwork has been pretty limited, so I’m not sure what fun it will cause going into school years), and his other reason is that he doesn’t “need” it. I want to include it so that there’s still some symmetry with our kids’ names matching one another, even though their last names will be different, and I like the idea of including her heritage from both sides in her name. Part of me is still hesitant to go in such a bold direction by giving her a different last name than her brothers, but I’ve been slowly convinced over my pregnancy. My husband originally suggested the idea and I dismissed it because I wanted the kids to be “together,” but then I realized that I’m “out” of the group by not having the same last name as the rest of the family, and your recent post about last names helped to convince me, too. Anyway, what’s your verdict—include my husband’s last name as a second middle name, or no?
Also, unrelated, but while I have you, do you think our boys names are too common for the relatively uncommon girls name, Willa? All names are from authors (M.R. James, Christopher Marlowe, and Willa Cather—with a little nod to William Shakespeare), and they also tie to important people in our lives. Willa Rose uses both my husband’s and my own middle name, too. Margaret (Atwood) was another frontrunner we were considering, and our boy name was Theodore Michael (Fyodor Dostoevsky). We’ll probably have one more baby, so those are contenders for #4. Do you think all of those work stylistically?
Thanks!
Katie
I absolutely vote for giving her your husband’s surname as her second middle name. I feel quite strongly about it. It follows the pattern of the first two kids, and makes the whole arrangement easy to understand and explain. Leaving his name out is non-parallel and makes everything seem kind of weird and hard to remember. Symbolically-speaking, he could also seem to be saying it doesn’t matter that your surname is in the boys’ names (since he considers that an unimportant role for himself to have in his daughter’s name), or that it’s not as important that a girl have all the family surnames. I get what he’s saying when he says he doesn’t need it, but what you guys are doing with the names is pretty cool and symbolic, so I say let’s not mess up the symbolism. I would like to avoid any possibility of the message that it didn’t matter to her father if she had his surname in her name or not, but that it DID matter to him that her brothers had it.
But mostly it’s the symmetry of it: it just makes sense that way, and it doesn’t make sense not to. Sure, it can be a little clunky or annoying, but you’ve already done it for the first two kids, so I’d keep going with it. Let all the kids bond over the clunkiness and annoyingness. And in my experience with five children who have my surname as their second middle name, it’s not that big of a deal in the long run. Most of the fuss (or potential for fuss) happens while getting the Original Paperwork (birth certificate, Social Security card, doctor’s office registration, school registration) in place, and after that you mostly coast. (Plus, you get good at drawing little diagrams on new paperwork with brackets and labels to show which names are in which role.)
I don’t think Willa is too unusual with James and Christopher. I usually think it’s fine to have different levels of popularity with the girl names in the family than with the boy names, though I personally prefer to aim for roughly-similar levels within a brother group or within a sister group. I think Margaret and Theodore are both good as future siblings. Margaret is more common than Willa (in 2017, Margaret was #132 and Willa was #454), but they feel within range to me.
Agreeing with Swistle on all points.
I have friends where every other kid has dad/mons last name – so daughter smith daughter jones son smith. It’s really wonderful. when I was 10 or so I realized that my friends sister had a different last name (I had known her since I was 5 so it took awhile) and I was just awed!
I think dads last as a middle is a nice gesture and I hope baby #4 gets your last name regardless of gender!
When I got married I took my husband’s last name and kept my maiden name as a second middle (eg, Sarah Jane Smith -> Sarah Jane Smith Jones). It has been very low hassle once the initial name change stuff was done. Middle names in general don’t matter much for a lot of paperwork, and if there isn’t room for a 2nd middle (or just asks for a single middle initial) I just leave it out. I’ve never had a problem– and that includes taxes, passports, airline tickets, mortgage loans, etc. And the satisfaction of having the name that feels right to me absolutely outweighs the minimal hassle.
Absolutely positively give her both.
Also, I agree with Swistle that you wouldn’t want to imply that a girl should inherit less name than her brothers… ie, that her father’s name got left off because she was a girl and didn’t deserve it or couldn’t handle it or something. Even if this is nowhere near your actual intentions, you wouldn’t want your daughter or any of her acquaintances to ever speculate that it was.
I agree with Swistle on everything
More agreement with swistle. Absolutely use his surname as a 2nd middle. And Willa is gorgeous with James and Christopher. They all have a classic vibe, I don’t think popularity differences should really matter. My kids names rank very different popularity wise. (Around 300, around 600, not in the top 1,000.)
I like the symmetry, too. The only reason I’d leave it out is if your husband actively wants to leave it out, as opposed to not needing it in. Then it would be time for a conversation about why, which would inform your decisions.
I like all the sibling names (current and potential) together.
I agree with delving further into how strongly the father doesn’t want the name used. If he just said, eh, it seems like extra work and I won’t be offended if you would rather not go to the trouble- then I think the Mom’s preference for using the name should stand. But if the Dad is actively against it, I think that’s worth considering. Maybe he’s found the double names for the sons to be too difficult or maybe he doesn’t love the sound of the name and would rather use it only when necessary or maybe there’s more information we don’t know. But if I was the Mom I’d sit down with the Dad and say how strongly she feels about including the name and see what reaction she gets
It’s so nice to hear of a family handling the last name situation exactly how I would like to! When I mention this possibility to people, they are either outwardly against it or there is a strained silence because they don’t like it but are polite. There are so many blended families these days, I don’t think it’s the end of the world for siblings to have different last names! I know it has it’s downsides, but in my opinion there is no easy solution. Have you experienced negative opinions?
Kudos! I love it!
We have two sons, one with my husband’s last nmd and one with mine. First kiddo we decided to pick last name based on whether he was born on an odd or even minute (husband’s name won out), second kiddo got mine to even things out. we all have both in different orders – so husband is FirstName Middle WifeLastName HusbandLastName, I’m First Middle HusbandLast WifeLast and one each of the kids follow us, if that makes sense. Has never yet in 3+ years caused a moment of trouble. I say use husband’s last name as a second middle to make it equitable. We tell our boys we all have the same names, just in different orders!
I don’t have any personal experience of this but my gut reaction is to keep the names equivalent which means two middles once you have started that. I haven’t found two middles to be a hassle with my son but I happily drop one when it isn’t convenient to list.
Re the names I think I am happier with a mother, father, mother, father switch then a boys/girls different names switch (though I know that is traditionally in some cultures) only because I am hesitant about the boys belong to dad, girls belong to mum dynamic that seems to exist. I named my daughter after her dad and my son after my grandmother (both modified to suit the sex of the baby), I haven’t found any problems.
Both the kids have two middles and it hasn’t been a problem. You have to either get creative with space when they don’t leave room and/or decide in advance which middle will get left off if you really can’t fit them both in. In our situation the first middle for both the boy and the girl are a version of grandpa’s first name which also includes mom’s middle names. The second middle name is an honor name after a person who meant a lot to mom. For both what gets dropped when necessary is the second middle. But it is they know about it and why they have the second name, where it came from and we will get to hear it when they graduate from high school, college and get married. That’s the important part.