Hello, dear Swistle.
I’ve written to you previously—you posted my a question about my daughter’s name on your blog (Baby Naming Issue: How Will the Royal Engagement Affect the Name Kate?) and you helped with my son’s name back when you were doing private name consultations.
I’ve been eagerly anticipating writing to you again, since my husband and I were joyfully expecting baby #3 in September. I planned to write to you last week after we found out the baby’s sex, but when we went in for our anatomy scan the baby didn’t have a heartbeat. We are devastated, and it’s very important to us to still name this baby. In the shock and chaos of finding out that the baby had died and then being rushed into having a D&E that night, I never asked if the baby was a boy or a girl. We sent chromosome testing, though, so I anticipate knowing the baby’s sex in a couple of weeks.
I’m finding that I have a very different set of criteria for naming this baby now that he or she is no longer living, since, much as it pains me to admit this to myself, the name will not be used often outside of our family. For example, I’m not very concerned about coordinating the name with siblings (who are Emeline Anne and Samuel Albert) or the flow of the name with our last name.
We are set if the baby is a boy. We will name him Theodore James, and refer to him as Teddy. Theodore was on our list before the baby died, but my husband and I didn’t agree on using Theo vs. Teddy as a nickname. We both really love Teddy for a little baby, though. We also love that Theodore means “gift from God”, since we still feel this baby is a gift to our family, short though his or her life may have been.
We are stuck on a girl’s name. Before the baby died, the only girl names we actually agreed upon were Kate (in my mind short for Katherine, although that was a point of disagreement) and Grace. (I’d been lobbying for Margaret or Amelia, but hadn’t gotten very far.) The middle name was to be Eleanor to honor my grandmother. I find myself feeling very, very torn about using these names—especially Eleanor. I think it’s likely we’ll try to have another baby, and part of me wants to save the names. But then that thought always makes me cry, because it’s a very real acknowledgement that, in time, this baby will not be a part of our every day lives. Plus, even if we have another baby, it could easily be a boy. (I’m not worried about “saving” boy names since my husband and I have a long list of boy names that we both love, whereas we always struggle to agree on girl names.)
My husband and I both adore the name Violet, but I’ve always hesitated to use it because to my ear it sounds a lot like “violent”. I’ve been in considerable distress over consenting to a D&E instead of waiting to have a natural miscarriage, so I don’t want to use a name that makes me free associate to the word violent.
The only new name that we’ve seriously considered this week is Lucy. We both love the name, but my husband doesn’t like any of the longer forms, like Lucia or Lucille. I’d rejected the name before the baby died because I didn’t like that Emeline (whom we often call Emmy) would have a longer, more formal name while her sister did not, plus Lucy is a little singsongy with our last name. (Which, Emmy is too, but I’m okay with that since it’s a nickname.) Since the baby was miscarried, those concerns are gone, and the name is back on the list.
I’ve also thought about using Eleanor as a first name. We ruled it out when the baby was living since Ellie is my favorite nickname for Eleanor, but some people call me that. I don’t feel like we necessarily need a nickname for this baby’s name, though. The plus side of using Eleanor is that my grandmother is in her mid-90’s and mentally sharp, so this gives us the chance to use the honor name while she is still alive and aware of it. I *think* she would find it special and meaningful to have the baby named after her even though the baby died, but I suppose it gets into a little bit of a dicey situation. I also don’t love repeating Emmy’s initial, although I could get over that.
If you have any suggestions about girl names with special meanings, like how Theodore means “gift from God”, we are very open to ideas. Or, if you have any other thoughts about the special considerations of naming a miscarried baby, I would be interested to know that, too.
Love, Ellen
I am so sorry. This is a sad and important task.
I wonder if you would like to use Theodora/Theadora, Dorothea, or Dorothy for a girl. They have the same meaning as Theodore. As a child, I had Theodora/Theadora on my list of Most Awesome Names Ever, because that was the era of “short boyish nicknames for long feminine names” (Samantha/Sam, Francesca/Frank, Winifred/Fred, etc.). I like the idea of calling the baby Teddy either way (which would also let you start referring to the baby by name immediately), or I like the idea of using Teddy for a boy or Dolly/Dottie/Thea/Dorrie for a girl.
I am not sure about using your grandmother’s name Eleanor. I’m going back and forth on it a little. I feel the urge to save it, and I feel the sadness of that; I like the idea of your grandmother having the chance to hear of a namesake while she is alive, and I feel the sadness of that, too. And I see the diceyness of the whole thing. I think if it were me, I would end up saving the name Eleanor, but I would be very uncertain.
I like the idea of using Katherine and calling her Kate/Katie; it feels pleasingly similar to Theodore/Teddy. I have the urge to save names (as I do with the name Eleanor), but I wonder if some names will feel too much as if they belonged to this pregnancy/child, and might not feel usable later on. This would vary from person to person; I’m not sure how I would feel. In general, I think I am favor of “Use the name that feels right NOW, and let the future worry about itself.” But this is from the person who just said she’d probably save Eleanor.
I think Lucy is another excellent choice.
For boys, more names that mean “gift from God”/”God has given”:
Jonathan
Matthew
Nathan
Nathaniel
Zebediah
That meaning is less common for girl names; some names that mean “adored”/”beloved”/”dear one”:
Cara
Carina
Carissa
Caro
Carys
Cordelia
Suki
Name update:
Dear Swistle,
Thank you for posting my question about naming my miscarried baby. Sending the question was important to me since I had written to you for my other two babies; it felt like a tangible way of saying this baby was just as loved and wanted as those babies. So, your kind and thoughtful response meant a lot to me on more than one level. I really loved all of your ideas. And your commenters are just lovely, aren’t they? I read each one and cried over the kindness and support they offered. I also so appreciated their suggestions for the baby’s name.
We got chromosome results today and our baby was a girl. Her name is Lucy Eleanor.
I called my grandma yesterday and talked to her about using Eleanor. She said she would be deeply honored to have this baby named after her, and I decided that I wanted to make sure I got to use her name. If I don’t use it now, who knows if I’ll ever get to use it? But it was a tough, tough call.
My almost 5 year old daughter is furious that we’re not naming her sister Starflower, but my husband and I feel happy with the name we chose. (I did offer Emmy the option of using Starflower as a second middle name for Lucy, but anything less than first name placement is unacceptable, apparently.) Thank you again.
Love, Ellen
I’m sorry for your loss. Us, too. We would have been due in October. We didn’t do testing before the burial, so I don’t know whether I have a son or a daughter. Either way, the loved little one is invisible to those outside the family. I don’t feel like I knew the kid long enough to name it.
Swistle’s Carys reminded me of the similar Charis, which is grace in Greek. I’ve heard Hannah also means grace, though Wikipedia says it means gift from God.
Please be very kind to yourself, and get lots of rest. 16 weeks along is a long time, and it’ll take your body a while to recover. Forgive the unsolicited advice, but it turns out I had to rest far more than I thought I needed. And go gentle about D&C vs natural; it’s an okay option to choose, you made the best choice you could, please don’t hold it over your head. If you need company from those who get it, reddit.com/r/miscarriage and reddit.com/r/ttcafterloss are gentle, compassionate, funny communities.
My thoughts are with you, original poster- I am so sorry you and your husband are facing this task. Once again, Swistle gives excellent advice. Theodora/Theodosia is one of my top ever baby girl names due to the meaning. Another name that I adore due to the meaning is Fiammetta/Fiametta, which means “little flame.” If I was in your situation, I might think of my miscarried child as a little burning flame inside of my heart and mind that will never be extinguished. The name Seraphina also refers to fire or flickering flames.
I’m so, so sorry to hear of your loss.
I guess if I were in your shoes, I’d go with a name that felt like this baby and for you that seems to be either Kate or Grace at this point. I’d probably skip Eleanor with it in the middle and go with something that means “gift” or the like. I might even do Kate Theodora or the like.
Sending you and your family my thoughts. <3
I’m so sorry for your loss and can’t even imagine what you’re going through. So very sad.
I think Swistle’s suggestion of using the nickname Teddy for a boy or a girl is a lovely suggestion. The name that you both love, as well as for it’s meaning, can then be used straight away for your baby.
‘Teddy’ for Theadora/Theodore is so sweet. When thinking of another name, meaning ‘Gift from God’, Mattea came to mind. I really like the name Lucy too.
I’m not really sure how I’d feel about using Eleanor, I think I’d like to save it, but you’ll really need to go with your heart on that one.
I’m very sorry about your baby’s passing. I hope you are surrounded by comfort and love at this painful time.
I think Thea Grace or Theadora Grace are very beautiful names. Seraphina was suggested above and that is another lovely choice, as well as being meaningful. Those names also bring to mind the name Talia, which has the meaning “gentle dew from heaven” and which seems apropos to your dear baby.
First off, I am so so sorry for your loss. I’ll be thinking of you and your family, especially your sweet babe.
My brother and his wife were in a similar situation two years ago. They found out at the 20 week gender scan that their baby had numerous abnormalities and would not survive outside the womb. My SIL had always envisioned having a daughter named @nne so that is the name they used; she felt very strongly about not saving the name. They had another little girl this past January and named her 1ucy, which was a name that had never been on their radar before, but they thought it fit well with her other siblings (J@ck and @nne).
All that being said, I think you need to choose whatever names gives you the most peace. If that means saving a certain name for the future, then that’s fine. My only concern would be for you to think about what would be harder: giving a certain name you love to this sweet baby and not using it for future babies, or not giving a certain name to this baby but then not being able to use the name in the future for whatever reason.
One idea: this baby could share a middle name with any sibling that comes along. My brother’s daughters both have the middle name of Eliz@beth, and it’s a nice way to remember our sweet @nnie who is no longer with us and it’s a sweet bond between sisters. Totally understandable if you don’t like this idea, but I wanted to be sure to suggest it.
It seems like your naming style for this loved baby if she is a girl is the Dulcet Dainties: http://www.britishbabynames.com/blog/2013/01/dulcet-dainties.html
I think Lucie/Lucy is sweet and there are other names that are lovely and gentle that might also appeal.
I also love meaning names-Iris springs to mind, since it means rainbow. But that might be a lovely name for a “rainbow baby” should your family welcome another baby at some point.
Oh, I thought of a name that might be a lovely fit: Beatrice. It means voyager and blessed. Perhaps you could interpret as a voyager to Heaven/God etc. the nickname Bea seems like a sweet way to refer to her in the family-your baby bee: Bea!
As a person who lost a son at 21 weeks, I understand your pain. Though our son lives in our hearts and minds, not many others are even aware that we named him. It was the only name we agreed on and was perfect and meaningful for him. If we have another son, I lean towards them sharing a middle name. Go with what brings you peace and happiness in this moment.
Ellen, I am so very sorry for your loss. You articulate so well some of the thoughts and concerns I would imagine having about choosing a name for a baby I lost that far along. The thought of not using a favorite name because you want to hear it all the time and know you won’t be hearing it as part of your daily lives is understandable. I think you are on the right track with selecting a name – this baby’s name will serve a somewhat different purpose and carry a different meaning than the names of your children you are getting to watch grow up, because in some ways, this child will always be a baby to you and the name will be to honor and remember him or her.
Teddy sounds perfect for a boy. I love your idea of Lucy for a girl, as well as Swistle’s suggestion of a feminine form of Theadore because it has such a wonderful and significant meaning. Amy means beloved, which I know this baby is, and I also thought of Pearl – a tiny, valuable treasure. Complete support for you if you want to use Kate, Grace, or Eleanor. I could see your grandmother being honored by your choice. Maybe if you don’t use it, you would feel comfortable explaining your desire to save it for a child you would get to hear it on every day. Whatever you decide, I hope it brings you a measure of peace and comfort and that you continue to find more in the months ahead.
Just from reading your letter, I felt like Lucy Eleanor would be the one. I’m sorry about your angel. *prayers
I am sorry for your loss.
Been there. Be gentle with yourself. Grieving takes time and many forms.
Agree that Theadora (with your preferred nn, I like Dora or Dot) fits the bill for a girl
Lucy Eleanor is lovely.
Starflowers are beautiful, white woodland wildflowers with delicate, thread-like stems. It seems very fitting that your five-year-old would associate starflowers with your sweet little baby. My condolences to you and your family.
What a lovely update. I hope you are continuing to rest and heal together with your family. Hearing your baby’s name immediately made me think of “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.” I think it’s a dear and sweet thought, I hope it resonates with you too.
I adore Emeline’s reaction. Lucy Eleanor Starflower. I’ll be thinking of her and all of you, and wishing you well.
I love the name Lucy Eleanor for your daughter. I hope coming to this decision has been a comfort to you. Wishing you and your family well.
What a beautiful name for your precious baby girl! I’m so sorry for your loss, and I wish you and your family peace and healing. Thank you for the update.
In case the dear mother ever comes back to this post – please know that elanor was a star-shaped flower in the realm of Middle Earth (Lord of the Rings) – Tolkien said it meant “sun-star”. It was for this that we named my own daughter after because I adored the imagery of a bursting star-sunflower. I think you did name her star flower!