Hi Swistle,
You seem very level headed and intelligent. I want to run by a situation for you.
I have an etiquette-naming question that is causing family controversy and heartache! My name is Karolina Amelia. I’m named after my great Aunt and great grandmother. We’re a French America family. You’ll find I strongly identify with my name.
I sign my name Karolina Amelia. My husband and dad call me the French version of Amelia. You’ll find my first and middle name included on all my social media accounts – you get it! ;-) I’ve planned on naming my daughter Amelia since I could fathom having children! To be honest, I was annoyed when the name became popular again.
My cousin informed me that she wants to name her daughter Amelia and claims her husband likes the name. Her husband doesn’t have a sense of tradition in his family, so I’m not sure he understands. The conversation exploded this past week. She’s is an older cousin by 9 months, so my aunt could have easily given her the name (she has no family names in her name). I feel like Amelia was passed down to me, and because of that it is not equal game in this respect because it is on my birth certificate. I’m going to be honest and disclose that she is extremely trendy, so the validity in her usage doesn’t help the situation. We’re a small family and I truly believe there cannot be two girls of the same name in our family. She doesn’t seem to understand the underlining etiquette about this. If I liked her father’s name for a boy, I would never assume that I could use it because she clearly has more emotional ties to the name. I’m hurt she doesn’t understand this isn’t a want of mine, this is common sense. We do have plenty of other family names. But this one here, this is my namesake – an identity.
Your help is appreciated in this qualm.
All the best,
Karolina Amelia
I am afraid my opinion is that you may be well and truly stuck. At this point the situation is:
1. Your cousin says she wants to use the name.
2. In which case, you absolutely will not.
The only way to fix things is for one of those two situations to change. You have attempted to change the first situation, with no success so far. Your cousin might change this one on her own, but at this point we can’t count on that.
And so my advice is to see if the second situation can be changed. You have set up a “two girls can’t have the same name” requirement that from my point of view appears unnecessary: a name is not a piece of heirloom jewelry that can only be handed down to one person, and only by the person who previously inherited it. If you’re not able to change your mind on that, or if doing so would create an enormous family feud, or if you absolutely don’t want to use the name if there’s any chance your cousin will use it, then your only option is to abandon the name: even if you were to have a daughter first, your cousin might very well still use it down the line (unless she has said she will not use it if you use it first).
But does that feel reasonable to you? Does it seem like a worthwhile price to pay? I’ve found this a very useful series of questions to ask myself: “What do I want? Can I have it? If not, what CAN I have?” What you want is for your cousin to see things the same way you do, and for her to conclude that the name Amelia is therefore off-limits to her. But you can’t have that: she does not agree with you. So what do you want INSTEAD? What is your SECOND choice? Is your second choice to use the name yourself anyway, even though it means accepting that two girls in the family might have the same name? Or is it your second choice to give up your whole plan and choose another name? I don’t know what your second choice is, and you might not know yet either: it sounds as if you’ve been focusing entirely on getting your first choice.
As you’ve already found, you don’t have a choice about what your cousin does: she and her husband get to choose what they name their children, and they disagree with what you consider common sense. What is interesting here is that by setting up a situation so that it is impossible for you to use the name if your cousin does, you are letting your cousin choose what you do. Abandoning your plan for your daughter’s first name will hurt only yourself, and what will you gain from it? But two little Amelias might be sweet, and the various usages of your name shows us that your family is good with nicknames. The two girls would probably be Amelia-_____ and Amelia-______ (or each go by her middle name, as you sometimes do), and it might give them a closer relationship: forming “The Amelia Club,” making jokes about how the couch is for Amelias only, signing letters to each other “The Other Amelia,” etc. They might let you join as an honorary Amelia, even though it’s your middle name.
To get back to the beginning of my answer, another issue here is that your cousin might not in fact use the name. So far she has said she would like to, and that her husband likes the name. There are so many steps between that and having a daughter named Amelia. She may have only boys, or she or her husband may think of a name they like better for a girl, or you might have a daughter first and name her Amelia and that might make them decide they no longer want to use the name (even if they previously stated they absolutely would use the name even if you did), or perhaps they will have a boy first and by the time they have a girl the name Amelia will be off their list, or perhaps she will decide she doesn’t want to use the name because it upsets you so much. And of course it is possible that you will only have boys yourself. It would be unfortunate to create enduring hard feelings over something that may never even be an issue.
Another option available to you is to give the name to your daughter as a middle name: make THAT the tradition you share, since it’s your middle name too. If your cousin does have a daughter and does use the name, her daughter and your daughter will not share a first name. This would also make it easier for you to continue to be called by your middle name.
There is one more thing you could do, and that is to talk to your cousin again. I suggest steering far, far away from the etiquette or common sense of the situation: those are not useful here, since both are highly subjective and you’ve already established that you and your cousin don’t see things the same way. We ARE talking about wants here: there is no reason she can’t use the name, or that two children can’t have the same name, except that you don’t want it that way. And that is a perfectly legitimate argument, and so that is the way I would approach it with her: don’t try to tell her she’s going against etiquette or common sense, because she isn’t; instead ask her earnestly to consider choosing a different name because it’s what you WANT. Explain how YOU feel, rather than telling her how SHE should feel. Acknowledge her perfect right to use names from her own family tree, but explain that this is one you plan to use for your daughter, and that you feel it wouldn’t work for second cousins to have the same name. See what she says. She may have gotten completely caught up in the entirely separate argument about whether or not she has the RIGHT to use the name, and may be very different in a discussion about whether or not she’d CHOOSE to.
But again, it is also possible that this is an impossible situation: if she DOES use the name, and if you decide you WILL NOT use it if she does, then it may be time to come up with a new plan. Could you name your daughter Karolina instead? You would still be naming her after yourself (in fact, even more so than if you used your middle name), still passing on something important to your identity, but she would not share a name with her second cousin. Another advantage is that the name is not as common. Another is that your husband could call his wife and daughter by different names.
I think you’re in the right and your cousin is out of line, for what its worth. I’m currently pregnant with my first and I recently discussed family names and usability with my mom. My grandfather was Joseph. Its a great name. However, my cousin is Joseph, so I’m not going to use that name for this baby. Even though he was grandfather to both of us, my cousin gets ownership of his own name, and the possible use for future children.
Idk what you can do if your cousin insists on using your name, though, and that sucks.
Whew. I fall firmly on the “names are not possessions and therefore cannot be stolen” side of things, so I don’t believe that you have a special claim to this name, no matter what is on your birth certificate.
Sure it would be nice if your cousin didn’t use the name Amelia because she knows it would make you mad, but I don’t think she us under ANY obligation not to use it. It’s not rude. It’s not “common sense” for her to not use it. Liking a name (with a family connection as a bonus) is a perfectly reasonable reason to use a name.
I really like Swistle’s answer here.
I also think that if you let her know that you love the name, and will still use it for the completely legitimate reasons stated (that there’s no actual issue with having two Amelias in the same family), your cousin may back off of it anyway- maybe *she* doesn’t think there should be 2 in the family. I also agree that *a lot* can happen during a pregnancy, and people change their minds all the time. Maybe don’t cross that bridge until you need to?
I don’t think it is common sense that you own a name- even your own. I do think it is a want on your part, a passionate want but a want just the same.
In my experience, family names are frequently used multiple times in a generation. I have cousins named Mary and Mary Jane while my sister is Leah Mary. We have cousins named Michael and Michaela.
Regardless, you may need to decide if this name is more important to you than a relationship with your cousin.
This is a really good point – I’ve been working on our family tree lately and pretty much EVERYONE has the same names.
John Sr., John Jr. John III.
John Jr.’s brother Mitchell named his son John after his brother.. and oh what do you know five years later John Jr. named one of his son’s Mitchell.
Not to mention a sib-set: George Pete, Pete George, and Georgia P
Oi. lol
You could also use Amelie (I’m assuming that’s the French version of Amelia that family calls you), instead. It’s less popular than Amelia and still has the same family connection.
I agree with LLBee. There is a good chance that your cousin is not going to want there to be two amelias in the family. if you make it very clear to her that you love the name (and it is YOUR name) and will be using it if you have a girl, then she may change her mind. Do not let her think that if she uses it, you won’t. then she will most certainly use it! At least by warning her in advance, you give her the opportunity to opt out. Swistle was right on about all of the cute “amelia” type connections two cousins could have. It did make me think about it differently. I almost had a baby name “stolen” by a close family member and i still ahve anxiety about it so i certainly understand how you feel!
One thing I’m very unclear on here is if anyone is actually pregnant? If neither of you are preparing to welcome in a child this is not a conversation you need to have again. You’ve already made it very clear that you wish your cousin would not use the name Amelia. What names we like as hypotheticals frequently don’t make the cut if and when a real baby appears. Perhaps your cousin or yourself will not have children, or will have only boys, or she’ll have a girl and name her Madison instead. In the meantime, worrying about it and causing conflicts seems like a waste of time.
This one is definitely a toughy. If you had asked me in general, I would have said that no one owns any specific baby name, especially if they aren’t pregnant.
HOWEVER. I do think people should get first dibs on passing on their OWN name. As an egregious example-my brother is named after my father, sharing the entire name. Though I am very close with my father and would love to name a future child after him, I feel it would only be polite to speak with my brother before doing so since it is HIS name to pass down. For example, I think it is in bad taste to name your kid John Smith III without first checking with John Smith II.
So while I agree with Karolina that her cousin should have had the grace to speak with her about the name first, I don’t really think it’s a big deal yet since no one is pregnant.
Example of not freaking out too early–my coworker is pregnant and didn’t know what she was having yet. Her BIL (husband’s brother) tried to “call” a boy family name that my coworker and her husband were considering even though his wife and he are not expecting. Neither brother is named this name. In that case, I don’t think the pregnant person should have to consider the BIL’s feelings at all. Luckily she didn’t throw a tantrum though, because they are having a girl.
I am from a family that re-uses the same few family names over and over again. My brother and my cousin (born the same year, no less) are both James Lastname. My brother went by James and the cousin went by Jimmy and we saw them all the time and it wasn’t odd to me at all. If you and your cousin both end up using Amelia you can spin it in your head like “oh what a wonderful tradition we have in our family to pass down these important names!” Reading between the lines it seems like you and your cousin aren’t all that close, which will make this more difficult. Don’t stress — it’s a lovely name!!
I think sometimes it can be helpful to try think of things from your cousin’s perspective. I’m not sure of the exact family tree, but was Amelia her great grandmother as well? You mention she has no family names in her name – perhaps she wants that for her daughter?
All in all, I think Swistle gave spot-on advice here.
I have a close friend (let’s call her Laura) who has earmarked her grandmother’s name for a future daughter since she was a child. Laura LOVES this name, loves the family significance, and–from her perspective–she has made this preference clear over the years.
Only… she hasn’t. Her brother is the only married person among her siblings, and his wife wants to use the name herself. She also likes the name and the significance.
Laura is crushed. Should her brother have a little girl before her (statistically very likely, given that Laura is single), the name will probably go to his daughter. Although Laura has made it clear since this came up that she wants to “reserve” the name, her family is not behind her. If she were married, or dating someone seriously, and a child were a possibility, maybe they would be.
I think the real issue here is that no one knew her very serious naming desire until it was too late–until her brother’s wife had already mentioned that she wanted it. Now the family has to take sides, when Laura’s brother might have nipped it in the bud immediately if he’d known it was going to be a family feud.
We often want to keep our baby name choices a secret. I did. I think it can lead to some pretty terrible situations, though, and so I’m not sure it’s worth it. I guess that’s what I take away from this post: If you want to “reserve” a family name, make that clear as early and as often as possible. Otherwise, you probably won’t have much room to complain. Unfortunately.
See I did all of the above, even going so far as to refer to “______, our future daughter” in conversations with family, and still got name-napped by my husband’s brother. They used it for their third child because they couldn’t agree on anything else. And it really did spoil my love of the name. I’ve had people tell me to use it anyway, but, it’s my niece now!
So on the flip side, sometimes people would never consider a name until you’ve spoken passionately about it and they start to consider the merits! I don’t think there’s any winning strategy. Some people intentionally “steal names”, other’s do it accidentally, but it does sting a little no matter what the situation.
I suspect that you grew up loving your beautiful and distinctive name, and planning on passing it along to your daughter as a beautiful and distinctive name, and now you’re angry at not just your cousin but the whole world because the name is not going to be as distinctive for your daughter’s generation as you hoped (although still very beautiful). Your cousin is a useful target for your anger, because as you say she’s trendy and she’s being pretty obnoxious trampling your feelings, but I wonder if this is just the first sign that Amelia is not going to be the perfect choice for you if it means your daughter will be one of many Amelias.
I think your goal should be to find a name for your daughter that feels as beautiful and distinctive as your own, even if its not going to be the same name. Maybe you could scour your French American family tree for another great-aunt whose name you like. Maybe you could double down on the Frenchness of Amelia, and call her exclusively by the French version that your husband & father use for you, or find a different French nickname (Mimi maybe?), or create a prenom compose by including another family member you want to honor (Marie-Amelie is apparently popular in France). Or maybe you could frame having two Amelias in one family as something that makes it more distinctive. It makes it more clearly a family name instead of a trend.
I’m confused as to whether Karolina or her cousin are actually pregnant right now?? If not, I would seriously try to let it go. I think Swistle’s advice is great, and maybe one more conversation could help end some of the hard feelings, but if no one is pregnant right now, much less carrying a baby girl, I think you should drop it. By the time either of you get pregnant, I bet the baby naming books will be brought out, and at least one of you will find new names for girls.
I’m afraid you are seriously out of line here. It appears in this case you are committed to a family name to the extent you will allow it to damage a family relationship in what is already a small family. I think you have your priorities wrong here. If family is that important to you, you need to respect your family member’s completely legitimate right to name her daughter a name from her family tree.
While I have sympathy for you, you are wrong to argue about it. Your cousin has not broken any etiquette.
When we were naming our son we had rejected my father in law’s name because it was the middle name of my brother in law, and the name of his wife’s father (as well as his father’s name of course).. Also, they were pregnant with a boy. We therefore planned to use my husband’s middle name, which was also his grandfather’s name and my grandfather’s name. But, their boy arrived first, and they chose the name we had picked put which arguably we had more “right” to (at least under your rules of etiquette). We just switched to the other name, and enjoyed having two lovely boys in the family close in age. You cannot control how other people value these things. Being angry about their choice would have been cutting off my nose despite my face. The whole point of a family name is to reinforce the close connection of family, having a family argument about it is undermining its very purpose.
I understand how you feel. While I am I the General camp that no one gets to reserve the right to a name, I think the exemption is your own name. I think this is generally quite understood with male names. My brother is named after my dad and while I would like to name a child after dad, I would also be naming it after my brother.
Does your cousin realize she would be naming her daughter after you? If it comes up again, you could let her know how delighted you are to have a namesake. Or even that you are excited to have two babies in the family named after you. “I am so honored you named your baby after me.” (You would have to do this in a non passive aggressive way, which is admittedly difficult.).
I respectfully disagree with the idea that any other baby in your family with your name would be named after you. There may be a family with many baby Sarahs named after a matriarch. It doesn’t follow that each successive Sarah was named after the one immediately preceding.
It sounds like the original Amelia was the cousin’s great grandmother as well, so she could justifiably claim that the namesake was that person, not the letter writer.
I also wonder how much we even “own” our own name as the cousin in this situation could insist that the name belonged to the original Amelia (the great grandmother), but that’s a line of thought for another post, perhaps.
While I agree that the original namesake might be the great grandmother, the current and living Amelia is the letter writer. I could theoretically name my son after my great great granddad, but that wouldn’t change the fact that my dad and brother also have that name, and as such are also default namesakes. While the name giver might be clear in who the baby is named “after”, but to everyone else the baby will be named the same as the letter writer. And the baby will grow up associating the name with her cousin, not her great great grandmother. I guess what I’m trying to say is there is intent, and then there is what everyone will assume. I could go blue in the face yellig everyone that I named my son Ronald Regan, but not after the president, after my dad and husband, but everyone is going to think it is the president. (Obviously an extreme example!).
Actually, the current Amelia is not Amelia, but Karolina Amelia. It appears no one calls her Amelia (although father and husband call her Amelie. It is actually her middle name, albeit a well used middle name because it is part of her Facebook name.
I don’t think the own name exception applies here, and even if it did, it won’t only extend to siblings not cousins in my view.
Yes, I saw that the name Amelia is the middle name of the writer. However, she seems to identify so closely with it and is called a variant of it that that I think the own name exemption still applies. And with a close small family, cousins can be similar to siblings, from my personal experience, so I think it can apply to them too.
@March – I agree with you.
A name doesn’t have to be “after” anyone, even if it is the name of an existing family member. Perhaps the parents just liked the name.
I also don’t think a child with first name Amelia and a *second* cousin Karolina “will grow up associating the name with her cousin.” Especially since *no* *one* actually calls the OP Karolina Amelia.
Finally: there is no “own name exemption.” It doesn’t matter how closely you identify with your name. It all comes down to this: you can only control your own choices. You cannot control your cousin’s choices, your neighbors’ choices, or the choices of the parents your future/hypothetical child will go to school with.
Decide what YOU are going to do. Use Amelia. Don’t use it. Use it if you have a girl first or if your cousin has a girl first but doesn’t end up using the name. Make any game plan you want based on the possible scenarios that could occur.. but the one thing you cannot do is force someone else to do what you want them to. Your cousin gets to make her own choices and no justification, validity, or even “common sense” is required on her part.
1) Is anyone actually pregnant?
2) Isn’t the French name “Amelie”?
3) How lucky you guys are to have cousins you are in close contact with! That would be much more important to me that staking out names for babies who have not yet been conceived.
4) It’s more important to be happy than to be “right”.
My two cents, the writer wrote in and while some reading this may not agree with her thoughts/feelings, those are HER feelings so need to call her out of line. I think Swistle explained all the different scenarios in a very polite way as to give the writer a possible next step.
My cousin just “stole” my middle name for her baby without asking me- it was a family name and it belonged to our great grandma. I think it’s a neat connection and it’s a nice way to honour our family though so I didn’t mind.
Honestly, I would just make it clear to your cousin that you’re going to name any future daughter you have Amelia. You can’t control what she does after that. If she ends up having a girl and using Amelia, I would chose to embrace it as Swistle said- it would be a lot of fun to have an “Amelia” club in the family.
Other than that, I wouldn’t worry about it until someone is actually pregnant with a girl. For all you know you’ll both have boys!
I think Swistle is spot on here. I will just add, that my middle name is Grace after my great-grandmother, and my family/husband/some close friends call me Grace, and I have it as part of all of my online profiles, etc., and it is the girl name of my heart/what I have always INTENDED to name a girl. Also, it is a name that is newly trendy, but was not when I set my heart on it many years ago. I think of it as my name.
So, I’m in the same situation.
And I would not presume to have a superior right over the name Grace as compared to one of my cousins, who all share that great-grandmother with me, and had no control over what their mothers named them. And I doubt they would take kindly to me judging the validity of their liking the name based on ‘trendiness’, or etiquette. Or common sense. I don’t think that this has anything to do with etiquette or common sense, it is just your preference that you get this name and your cousin does not, but you do not have a birth right to it. And I say that as someone in the same position.
I don’t see a problem with cousins having the same name. The Italian tradition is to name the first boy and girl after the husband’s parents and the second boy and girl after the wife’s parents. This often resulted in several cousins having the same name, or variations of the same name, which never seemed to be a problem in my family. I say go for it!
YES! I know an Italian family where 5 cousins are all named Leonard! They think it’s funny and like connection.
Our family has so many cousins with the same name. And its never caused a problem… we just use middle or last name if it’s not clear which “David” we mean. Its a family joke almost – there’s only 4 boys names in the whole world we like, so they get used and reused. So 2 Amelias would be just lovely, IMO, and not an issue worth losing the relationship over.
I’m guessing neither of you is currently pregnant, or you would have mentioned it. If that’s the case, I would let this drop. There’s a difference between naming a hypothetical baby and an actual baby. Tastes change, genders may not comply with wishes, etc,
I agree with Swistle that you are unlikely to change your cousin’s mind on this. Arguing with her over your perceived claim to the name might only make her more determined to use it. What you really have to decide is if it would be worth it to give up a name you love and have dreamed of giving a future daughter just because she won’t be the “only” Amelia.
We just had en explosion of births in my family this year – me, my sister, and 3 of our cousins all had babies in a five-month span this year. Both girl babies ended up being named Elizabeth. The parents involved just laughed about it and moved on. We almost had two boy babies with the same name – one of us used it and the other announced it had been on their short list but they’d already ruled it out. If you think about it, it makes sense that cousins would have similar taste in baby names, especially if they’re close in age.
I hope you can resolve your bad feelings about this without causing a rift in the family. Good luck.
We kept the name of our daughter secret until after she was born…Lillian, nn Lily. It was a favorite of my husband’s for as long as I can remember. Immediately we ran into trouble with cousins.
My cousin already had a daughter named Lillian, but they called her Ellie, and she was 5 years older, so we didn’t feel as though it mattered. 5 days after my Lily was born, I received a SCATHING e-mail from my cousin’s wife berating me for our choice in name, how it was HER grandmother’s name, and what if her Ellie wanted to someday go by Lily, and how it was cruel to my grandmother because it would be so confusing to her, and on and on and on. I will never feel the same way about that woman again…our relationship is irrevocably damaged, as true colors were revealed.
My husband’s cousin revealed a week before our daughter was born that he and his wife were adopting. After my Lily was born, it was revealed that their new baby girl was also going to be Lily. Everyone just laughed and shrugged at the coincidence of it. Our Lily’s are just 2 months apart, and absolutely LOVE having the same name. They just think it is the coolest thing. It is very infrequently confusing, and when it is…we again just laugh. If anything, it has brought me closer to Jeff’s cousin and his wife.
So I would caution you…is this name important enough to create hard feelings in what you say is a small, close-knit family? I think the name is very important to you, and you should definitely use it. But I would try to get used to the idea of having two Amelias…it is a lovely name, and what a honor for your Aunt and grandmother, that TWO children will be named after them.
I grew up knowing a family of three brothers all of whom have a son named George (all same last name). In a very small town. there were other repeated names among the group of cousins too. It caused confusion sometimes at school (and probably at their family gatherings) but we always laughed it off. In this case you would be the honouree so perhaps you should start boasting about the fact that you will have two namesakes. Maybe your cousin won’t like the idea that people would think it honours a cousin instead of her grandmother and move off the name. If you decide to bring up the subject again directly maybe come up with a few suggestions that you really think would be nice for her baby to quickly fill the void.
The only person who “owns” Amelia is the namesake. And no one is pregnant yet. My advice is to relax and wait until this situation becomes a reality, if it ever does. Your cousin’s tastes will probably change by that point.
Another way to view your cousin’s interest in Amelia is that she likes it because she likes you! Agree with the others urging a break from the topic. I have an unusual name (Jessemy) and I am always thrilled when I find another person with my name.
In addition to no mention of an impending baby, I notice there is no mention of the writer’s husband or partner. Amelia may be her very most favorite name ever, but it is generally a two person decision. I can’t tell you how many lovely names my husband rejected for our daughter for the flimsiest reasons – one because it was the name of a DOG we once met on vacation on the other side of the country, so it is forever a dog’s name to my husband. (UGH.) It is another reason not to make an enemy out of a cousin over a situation that may never come to pass.
I share the same name as my second cousin and it was never a big deal to me. My son’s middle name is his younger cousin’s first name, I was surprised that they used it but also, not a big deal. Name repeating happens.
I don’t know. If it’s such a major part of the OP’s identity, then maybe her daughter deserves to have a name that’s as distinctive to hers, rather than part of her mother’s? The OP has a generation between her honourees, but she uses not only Amelia but Amelie with the closest males in her family. I know there are a ton of people who name their kids after themselves with no problem, but I also have a cousin who is close to 40 who still gets called Little Donna . To me, there seems to be a disconnect between taking such fierce pride in your distinctive name that you deny your daughter that chance. Especially given the trendiness of the name now.
There are so many wonderful French names, and so much more willingness to accept French pronunciations, perhaps there is someone else you could honor, and slot Amelia or Amelie in the middle.
I think if you really love Amelia, tell your cousin you will use Amelia regardless of whether or not she does (if you happen to have a little girl one day), no hard feelings. And then don’t have hard feelings about it. Also, I understand you have a small family, but still… she is your COUSIN, not your sister. Your babies would be second cousins, not first cousins. I feel like having the same name is much less an issue in this situation than if you said she was your sister.
You say your cousin is”trendy”, and I need to point out that “being trendy” isn’t mutually exclusive with “wanting to honour a family member” or “wanting to pick the best possible name for a child”. Your cousin may see Amelia as a perfect solution – a name that she loves, that honours her heritage, and that is being used on children currently. (On the flip side, if she is “extremely trendy”, she may lose interest in Amelia by the time she needs to name a daughter, should that day even come.) In any event, it’s not fair for you to say that her possible “usage” of Amelia isn’t “valid”. Every child needs a name and every parent is trying to pick the best name they can for their child. Anyone can use the name Amelia for any reason they want.
Also, you should recognize that your cousin didn’t pick her own name – it wasn’t her choice that she has no family names in her name. Maybe she’s seen how proud you are of your family-based name and wants her daughter to feel that way about hers. You could choose to see her using Amelia as a means of honouring you, too.
Since you were given the name Amelia to honour a family member, I don’t think you have more “right” to use it than another family member who is of the same relationship to that family member (if I’m understanding correctly, I think the original Amelia was your and your cousin’s great-grandmother, right?). You hypothetically using your cousin’s father’s name would be a clearer etiquette violation to me since she is her father’s daughter while you are his niece and therefore more removed from him than she is. Similarly, if your name had no family significance apart from being your name and you wanted to use it on a future daughter, I would think that you’d be more within your rights to be upset at your cousin for wanting to use it on hers.
You don’t say how often you see this cousin – if it’s not often, I really don’t think having two Amelias should be a problem. There are lots of families with names that have been repeated with few to no problems. If you really love Amelia and want to use it, that should outweigh your distress at your cousin potentially using it first.
I think this can be challenging, but not impossible. Sharing a name can be awesome. I have two nieces that have similar names (not sisters) and they love it. I also have a niece and a niece-in-law with the same first name. The niece-in-law now has the same last name that the niece used to have. No big deal, the family knows what to call them; it’s just humorous sometimes. When I was 5 I met a girl who had the same first and middle name I have and we were thrilled! We had a club just like one of the posters said!
This is a situation that happened in my family. My great grandmother was J. Elise. My grandma (the first daughter) is H. Elise. My mom (the first daughter) is E. Elise. I am Jessica Elise. We are a direct lineage of the first daughter of the first daughter having the same middle name. Well, my great grandma’s other children, a son and daughter, each named their respective first daughters with the middle name Elise, after great grandma. Then it stayed that way. I am the only one of my generation with the middle name Elise.
My cousin got pregnant a year before I did. She is the first daughter of my moms younger brother. Side note: it is exhausting explaining family relationships. Her first child is a girl and they named her Emily Elise. At first I was all, “Dude, I have rights! First daughter of first daughter blah blah blah.” But then I realized my cousin also wanted to honor her family members with the middle name. So I just kept quiet. Okay so I kept quiet after snarking about it with my mom and sisters. (Full disclosure: I think part of it was because that was what she was “supposed to do” as her younger sister just had a baby and if it was a girl was going to name it B. Elise.)
Then I had a baby girl a year later. It was my choice (and my husbands) whether or not to honor my family members. It was not “well that’s what you’re supposed to do” or “it’s my right and I am the only one who truly holds that right.” In the end, I gave my daughter the middle name of Annelise – with the Ann being an honor to my aunt (moms sister) who did not have children of her own.
I feel like Elise is trending upward too. And I can understand the pang and hurt of someone wanting “your” name. It does. And it’s a valid emotion to have. I did not get grief from my mom for not continuing the tradition nor would any thought been given if I did just go with Elise.
Second side note: we had a boy two years later and did no honor names. We just picked ones we liked. If I stepped on anyone’s toes, I have no clue because no one has said anything to me.
Third side note: My grandma’s other two siblings mentioned above? Yeah they both have a son named David. Not after anyone, just because they liked the name.
I would be honored if a cousin named their daughter my name. Like, crazy-honored. I am close with my one and only sister and if she named her daughter after me, I’d be even more honored. We were pregnant with daughters at the same time and I considered naming my daughter after her. Never once did I think “oh, but I should check with her because maybe she’s wanting to name her daughter after herself.”
Naming a kid is hard enough without people calling “dibs” prematurely. Neither of you should be trying to earmark a name for yourselves unless you are both pregnant and due within months of each other.
One of my best friends and I were talking before we for pregnant. She said that she planned to name a baby boy a certain name. I was already married and was likely to start TTC and have my first kid before her, so I confessed that that was our chosen name for a boy as well. We chatted about it, talked to her husband, and all agreed that it was no big deal. Well, months later, I gave birth to a girl. A year after that, she gave birth to a boy — and named him something entirely different anyway.
It’s just silly. Frankly, I think even of you “won” this argument, you’d find that you would lose love for the name and feel awkward using it after all the fuss that’s been made out of it. Plus, do you really want your husband to call you by the same name (or a close variation of it) as your daughter? I think you’d probably end up calling your daughter by her middle name (or another nickname) in order to distinguish her from you — in which case, your daughter and your cousin’s daughter could easily distinguish themselves from each other this way too.
As far as I can tell, neither woman is pregnant nor gauranteed to have a girl. While i think the poster has more “rights” to the name, everyone is free to do as they choose. If SIL continues to mention wanting to use the name, poster should say “that’s great! Our daughters will have the same name! They will have so much in common.” SIL will probably pick another so that the daughters do NOT share the same name.