Last night I dreamed I was pregnant. SUPER vivid dream, including running my hand over my rounded tum and thinking about names. (I was thinking, “Funny how I think I am just DYING to choose a name, until I actually have to choose one.”) Seven or eight years ago, I would have woken up and cried that it wasn’t real, and maybe spent the day brooding and eating fudge. Today I woke up IMMENSELY RELIEVED that it was a dream. I mention this in case you are where I was seven or eight years ago, feeling as if you will never be able to live a happy life unless you have another baby, and wondering if that feeling will ever go away. I can offer only one anecdotal “yes, it will” data point, but here it is if it helps.
It is partly made up of sensible things: I am now older than I would like to be for a pregnancy, and the gap between my youngest and another baby would be MUCH larger than I’d like it to be, and at this point I don’t want to start again at the beginning. It is also partly because the other children have gotten older, and I’ve thought, “Ohhhhhhhhhh, wait: I wanted a lot of BABIES, but I do not necessarily want a lot of three-year-olds or a lot of fourteen-year-olds.”
But I think it is mostly that The Feeling went away. I think it is a mistake to underestimate the role biology plays in a passionate desire for children: some of it is because children are neat to have, but a lot of it is a species-benefiting biological set-up that isn’t necessarily in the individual’s best interests. I remember when I was crying about the situation to my OB/GYN (he asked during a check-up if we were planning more children, and I burst into tears), and I asked if the baby cravings ever went away, and he said, “I don’t know. I can only tell you this: that older women no longer talk to me about it.” That’s not entirely comforting: my guess is that older women stop talking about it because it’s an option that’s no longer available. But now that I am a bit older myself, I am revising that guess to include the idea that when the option is no longer available, for most of us it also stops being so appealing. Biology stands down and lets most of us stop pining.
Still, I do think we should have had a sixth child, back when Paul said no. At this point that child would be six or seven, and I think that would have been great. And also, I do think that Paul saying no to another child, when I wanted one so badly I felt I could not live a happy life without one, had a lasting, non-positive effect on our marriage. I’m not saying he could have said anything else, if he really felt that strongly about it; and maybe if he had given in to what I wanted, perhaps it would have had some detrimental effect in the other direction; and perhaps there was NO possible happy outcome from that deadlocked situation and there would have been a negative effect no matter what we’d decided. But regardless, I don’t think back to that time and think it went the way it should have, or that he was right. He has never been good at thinking ahead to the future, so I don’t feel he made a decision based on a good evaluation of the situation; and he made me feel that when it comes down to truly important decisions in our shared life, it’s his happiness over mine.
This really brings full-circle your post last week about the children and all their talking! Reading it, I was thinking of earlier posts of yours in which you expressed yearning for a sixth baby, and I was wondering whether the fatigue of daily life with five older kids had been helpful at all in getting you through that. Which it sounds like, in a way, it has!
I’m 31, my fiance proposed last week, and I’m planning on a wedding around this time next year, around which time I expect to go into feverish baby-making mode. We’re in agreement about starting to try almost right away, and I don’t think I’ll be able to think about much else until we’ve got the two kids we want, hopefully within about 2.5 years (hoping not to push it into my late 30s and assume all the risks that come with that). I refuse to believe that I could spend the rest of my life as a woman feeling my current level of desperation for a baby, no matter how many babies I already had. It just doesn’t seem possible, or sustainable. I’d be convicted of all sorts of crimes if I had to feel this way for the next 40+ years. So I really don’t think it’s that women just shut up about it around age 40; I think that, as you say, biology kicks in and calms us down for good, just as it does for men and their sex drives when they’re no longer of an ideal age for childrearing.
I remember when a friend of my mom’s got pregnant unexpectedly around age 43, when everyone else’s kids were tween age, and my mom’s pity for her was intense. That she had to start over, with no relief in sight till her sixties! The friend herself, as I understand it, was not happy either (though the child is very loved now, and successfully sailing through college).
A friend of mine miscarried a wanted third pregnancy at age 42; and then, by the time her husband proposed trying again a few months later, she was wholeheartedly finished with the whole idea. She still grieves, but there is no part of her that wants to be raising a DIFFERENT third child (one conceived after the one she miscarried) at this point, in her late 40s.
My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since we got married (approaching 2 years), and it’s not looking good. I’m really hoping a large part of the yearning is biological so that is goes away around the time menopause kicks in. Like you, I CANNOT imagine feeling like this for my whole life.
Sorry to hear about your problems getting pregnant. I suffer from infertility also. However, I do have one child. We really wanted to add more children but cost and unemployment made it so it wasn’t feasible for many years. Now that it can be an option to look into, I don’t think we will. The longing has passed; I can tell you that for me the feelings have, for the most part, gone away.
“Just as it does for men and their sex drives when they’re no longer of an ideal age for childrearing.”
Is this true for men in general? Because it has not been my experience, unless “an ideal age for childrearing” goes much later for men then women.
I feel a lot of the ways you feel. I’m 38 and wanted a third baby 5-6 years ago and still a few years ago but my husband said no. I had a hysterectomy last fall so now it’s really final. I wouldn’t want to have a baby now at age 38 but I still want the 5-6 year old now. And I still resent my husband at times.
We’re the opposite. My husband wants ALL THE BABIES and I don’t want to get pregnant again. We have three kids. They’re all healthy and wonderful, and the “baby” will turn 9 this summer. Every couple of months he brings up “don’t you miss having a fuzzy head baby in the house?” “Don’t you miss ridiculous toddler laughs?” Yes, I miss it, but not so much that I want to go out and have another baby. We’re in a good spot mentally and getting better financially. Throwing a baby into the mix would just not work for me.
This exact topic is actually how I found your blog (by googling something like “have five kids and want more”. Snort.), so I love this update. (Not the marriage part so much 😟). I have gone through the same transformation in feeling that you have, from desperately wanting a sixth, to now hoping that we do NOT get a surprise baby. After waiting the feeling out, it went away. I DO wonder how much biology and hormones have to do with this-my youngest is now three.
On the other hand, I do still have the nagging feeling that our family has more to give, so we recently signed up as a foster family through Safe Families. While I don’t want to be pregnant and birth a baby again, I am looking forward to temporarily having a baby in the house again.
So maybe the feeling didn’t go away so much as shift? Hmm.
It’s a little reassuring to hear that the sadness gets less intense. I am most definitely in the eat fudge and cry stage. I wanted a big family, but my son will be an only child, and I am not ok with that at all. There’s nothing I can do about it, and while my situation is different — due to infertility and other health issues — my husband is fine with the size of our family and doesn’t understand at all while I’m having such a hard time with it. He was all for having more kids, so I find that mystifying.
I wonder how I will feel about this in a few years. I am 30, with a 12 and 10 year old from a previous (yes, high school) relationship. I married a great guy last year, and while I DO want to have a baby with him, he is pretty indifferent-to-not-interested in having any more kids. Then there are the days when I cannot even IMAGINE starting over with a newborn, with the two older kiddos being, well, so much older. I don’t bring it up often (EVER, really), mostly because I truly worry that if he did give me a hard no as an answer, I’d end up resenting him for the rest of our lives.
His brothers all have small kids, and whenever anyone asks me “Oh, don’t y’all want to have a baby?!” I quickly shoot it down as “OHHHHH NO, we are totally done, we have two kids already!”… But I feel like a total fraud every time those words come out of my mouth.
So i am 33 and just had a baby last year with my husband, which was starting completely over for me (10yo from previous relationship).
I LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT. It’s such a wildly different parenting experience (as an actual adult in a functional partnership with a planned child), and it’s just the best. And the sib relationship between the two boys is INCREDIBLE. I love it.
I mean, if you were wondering what it’s like to start completely over in your thirties. I can be pretty great.
I really enjoy these updates! I’ve had a mild case of baby fever lately, which is INSANE since I DON’T EVEN LIKE BABIES. I am MUCH happier as the mom of an older kid. I do think it’s sort of a biological “last call” kicking in (I’ll be 38 in August).
I really wish men would understand that their hormonal drives (sex drive, etc) are just as loud, insane, and all-consuming as ours. I feel like women’s desire for children sometimes get dismissed as some kind of hysteria, whereas THEIR hormonal drives are to be taken Totally Seriously.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
I empathize one hundred percent with your estimate that perhaps for some marriages, there is going to be a lasting negative impact from the decision to Be Done or Try Again no matter which way it goes, bc someone is always sacrificing their heart’s desire for that of the spouse. I was entirely sure I was done after Talia, and Jim still wanted another one. He tried on and off for two years to change my mind and was (I felt) pretty resentful when I simply could not say yes. But I (maybe partially bc I am the woman and the one who’d be experiencing the physical discomfort and emotional upheaval) felt very resentful of him too, for being so persistent and, in my view, selfish, in asking me to do this when I so strongly felt unable and unwilling. There was just no way to get through that time in our lives without some residual icky feelings towards each other. It’s still a touchy subject, and I had my tubes tied almost two years ago.
Thanks for this. My husband and I have a 6-year-old and a 4-year-old. I want one more; my husband is not totally against the idea but would be completely fine if we were done and is not ready to start trying right now. I don’t want a huge gap between the kids, so I feel like it has to be soon or not at all. The problem is, I work full-time at a pretty demanding job, and my husband is a work-at-home dad. So in some ways I feel like he gets more say. But I can’t shake the feeling that we’re not done, that we’ll regret it later if we don’t, etc. It’s so hard, though, to know what the right answer is, especially now that the kid are a little older and we’re out of the baby/toddler stage. It’s kind of reassuring to know lots of people are in the same boat of uncertainty or lack of decision between spouses.
My feelings have also faded with time. I have 5 kids, when we had 4 my husband was happily done. I felt very NOT done. I couldn’t imagine giving away clothes and crib and felt very sad. But of course, you need 2 yeses. Until, surprise, I found myself pregnant and felt very guilty for getting what I wanted but of course very happy also. Tried to make it very clear that I did not plan this! And he was happy of course, we love our #5! So he had a vasectomy around 9 mos after the birth. I wasn’t longing for #6 but wasn’t settled with the total done option. But hubby was done at 4, how could I argue?? I should be happy we had #5. So I tried to not put up a fight. I flipped after. I went through a crazy stages of grief for my loss of future children. I was angry, sad, blamed him, wanted to try to become pregnant in the 3 month “unsafe” period. But after a few months came acceptance. And a few years later the feelings lessened. Now, at age 40 with my youngest 9, I would find it very hard to start over. Glad to be finished. I’m a strong believer in biology adding to those wantings.
I am glad to hear the longing goes away.
In March, I lost a pregnancy at 24 weeks gestation in a way that means it probably would not be wise to ever try to have another biological child. I also had three first-trimester miscarriages between the births of our two living children. I don’t feel like our family is full, and I am willing to pursue adoption or foster care, but my husband is content with our two kids and wants to be done. I know it has only been three months since our very stressful and heartbreaking loss, and he grieves differently than I do. Apparently, I grieve by researching all of our options and reading five bazillion adoption and foster blogs, and he grieves by not wanting to think/talk about the situation AT ALL.
I can only hope that he will change his mind eventually, but if he does not, your post is somewhat comforting still.
I’m sorry for your losses. :(
I’m hoping biological urges go away for me. Just had my first two (twins) and had to have an emergency hysterectomy. I’m so devastated. I wanted three kids. My partner didn’t. I can see how this becomes a huge problem in a marriage. Now the issue is resolved, and I’m resentful that I’m mourning in a way my partner is not.
I always wanted 5 kids. Always. The wanting more babies thing was SO intense. But right now it is so hard. They are 3, 4, 7, 8, and 10. I just keep telling myself that it will get easier when the youngest is as old as my oldest is now (if that isn’t true please don’t tell me). I’m 35 and I have a couple friends from college who both have 1 year olds. I just cannot imagine starting over at this point. 35 isn’t even that old. But I think having 5 kids makes me feel old.
My nine year old is two days out from a tonsillectomy and so she’s waking up every three hours through the night for medicine. I just told a co-worker yesterday, after only ONE night of this insanity, that there is a reason 45 year old me does not have an infant. I need sleep. I know her pain will not last but like you, I’m SO glad the longing for more babies has passed. We stopped at two and right now, that’s the perfect number for us.
Wow–the last paragraph of this post (minus Paul’s name and the fact that it would be a sixth baby) could be mine. I have wanted a third (a third!) for about 6 years, and even had the whole thing planned. I never in a million years thought my husband would say no, but he did, and it still hurts, and has definitely had an effect on our marriage. I’m 43, and while older than I’d like to have another child, I would still have one in a heartbeat. I think a lot of my resentment is similar to yours (his wants/needs are more important than mine) and also that I DIDN’T KNOW when I had my second that she was going to be the last. I love sleep, we have an excellent life, can travel easily, a table for 4 is a simple request, etc., but still…
The not knowing this would be the last part is what struck me when my husband pushed to be done after our third. Never had he mentioned being done before, and I was totally taken aback. When I told him I needed time to come to terms with it, he was frustrated by my seeming attempt to vote for more, when in actuality, I was probably about 60% done, too, I just needed to come to terms with it. I had always wanted four, if I could order up baby #4, it would be a girl so my daughter could have another girl sibling. It’s been a big hurdle in our marriage, one we’re still working through.
I’m 40 years old and sitting with my 3 month old baby in my lap. We have two older children, ages 14 and 11. I’d always wanted more but my husband said no. When I became pregnant again, it was a shock for all of us. Our lives had moved on. I’d moved on, albeit sadly. I became pregnant despite using a very safe and reliable form of birth control (well, except abstinence, and that’s just not for me).
My husband — he spent time just being angry. He even suggested an abortion. I refused on the grounds that any life that wanted so hard to live should be allowed that chance. He did come around and is now very happy (to the point of talking about having another).
I guess I am just, maybe, the other end of that spectrum. I never wanted to be the ancient mother of a toddler, but I don’t regret it. Pregnancy at this age comes with a lot of dire warnings and practitioners getting a bit overwrought, but the chances of Something Bad Happening are still not huge. It’s just slightly more and mostly based on statistics that cannot take into account individual biologies. I mean, my baby was born less than two weeks after my 40th birthday, and it was ridiculous seeing how suddenly the Warnings became a lot more Dire from the week before to the week after my birthday. Very eye-rollery.
Motherhood at this age… yeah. I’m no spring chicken. But I am a much smarter chicken, and I have two older boys who are learning valuable how-to-take-care-of-baby lessons and who are just enormously helpful when I need an extra pair of hands. I would’ve killed for this much help and know-how when I *was* a spring chicken.
This post, and all of the wonderful comments feel very apropos of my current situation. I actually found Swistle’s blog the same was as Shannon. “Wanting Another Baby, etc.” when we were deciding to whether or not to have a third baby. Now I am literally one cycle away from the time we had decided we might start trying for number four. I am 35 now, and a few months ago I was having baby fever to the point where I had bought a few small things here and there at Goodwill and put them secretly away up in a closet. Then, my husband and I had a small falling out over the issue. He really wanted to be done, but like Paul, has never been good a making decisions that affect the future and his big stumbling blocks were things like, where will the now three year old sleep? How will we wash diapers all over again? The kinds of things that seem big in advance, but that work themselves out when you are actually in the situation and just make the decision because you have to and if that doesn’t work you try something else.
It was hard on our marriage for awhile. I REALLY wanted another baby. But, equally, I REALLY wanted HIM to want the thing that I wanted so very badly.
We have now come to the point where we are both kind of equally willing to do. And then equally willing to not do it. Our three year old sometimes sleeps through the night! He’s mostly potty trained! Our girls, 6 and 8, can play outside with only intermittent supervision! They can prepare simple food for themselves!
But, the three year old’s last vestiges of babyhood are pulling at our heartstrings. They are there one day, and gone the next. And all three kids LOVE babies. We love babies! And I am so in love with how the older kids have turned out, and how they interact with each other (when they aren’t fighting), that I don’t know how to feel. Swistle’s statement that having that other person there now, is different than the idea of HAVING ANOTHER BABY. And might actually have been the right decision for their family, is making me feel all the feels. My midwife’s assistant, who had 6 children of her own, told me after the birth of my second, that yes, pregnancy/labor/delivery/infancy were hard stages. Sometimes VERY hard indeed. And yet, by comparison they were such a short part of that child’s overall life and the time you would spend with them. Like working to complete a difficult project, or working to complete a degree you wanted–something that would affect how you would be able to live the rest of your life.
This feels long and rambling, and I STILL don’t know what to do. But, thanks Swistle for keeping us in the loop and for making this a place where we can talk about it.
I love your last line, thanking Swistle for making this a place we can talk about this stuff. That is how I feel too.
I’m super lucky in my planning. I wanted two boys, between 18 months and 2 years apart in age. I have two boys who are exactly 18 months apart (to the day!). But now, even though mine are only 2 months and 20 months, I already want another. Logically I can’t have another. My toddler drives me batshit crazy and he’s not even 2 yet. And we both work full time (when I’m not on maternity leave) and childcare for 3 kids is completely out of our budget. But I love the newborn stage more than I thought possible. I really just want another newborn.
We have four and will probably have more (and at this point I very much want more). But I will say that as I get older, pregnancy is less comfortable and less cute on me and I can totally see that at some point, I will be okay being done. ;) But can I also just say that a Swistle pregnancy would make me so happy! Such fun blog posts could come out of it!
Now, I KNOW that the topic under discussion is about the feelings surrounding the the decision of Being Done or not – but could I just point out in a very general non-judgemental way that it’s plain crazy in our overpopulated world for people to replace themselves x 3 (2 people having 6 children) without thinking long and hard about the global effect that that carries (*sits back and waits for the outcry and pillorying to commence*).
Um, no. It’s not possible to say that in a “very general non-judgmental way.” Own the judgment you’re making. Don’t pretend you were being non-judgmental, because you weren’t.
I would not have thought to pair “non-judgmental” and “plain crazy” together as you just have. This seems like a topic for another post, and not for this one. Knowingly posting it off-topic, and then knowingly sitting back and waiting for outcry, seems like deliberately picking a fight. I think we will pass on that opportunity.
This is why I love you, Swistle, and your commenters. “I think we will pass on that opportunity” indeed. Oftentimes the best way to deal with attention-seeking behavior is to just ignore it.
I always wanted four. I was lucky to get my third. I haven’t ever pushed the idea of the fourth because I am confident it would destroy my marriage. our youngest is three and we are just now regaining some mobility in our lives, and my husband isn’t a baby person and we both need to work full-time to live debt-free and we do not come from big families (the fact that we were even having a third was met with flat-out horror) and and and.
It hurt SO much for the first two and a half years after my youngest was born. he was, and remains, an exceptionally challenging child. That didn’t fix it for me. I just kept thinking, well, one day he won’t be so difficult (…though he’s proving me wrong on that one so far) and what about the baby we’ll never have? What would he or she be like? Isn’t four a better number than three? For me, it was space from the baby stage. I had all my kids back to back to back and I needed to be out of the baby/breastfeeding/TTC cycle to see that there was good outside of it, too. I definitely absolutely think there was some deep lizard brain biology in there, but also just moving away from that a bit and remembering life without a baby. I still got upset when I went for my annual doctor visit, just being in the office is hard, but I don’t wish anymore for a different life. I can’t believe it finally happened, but I don’t.
For me, the progression has not been at all linear, which is frustrating. When I was in my early 20s, I wanted four. By the time I met my husband, I was down to three. He only wanted two, but he seemed open to a third. We are now at two girls, almost 6 and just 3. I will be 38 in November. My husband has firmed up his desire for only two, and that is what he tells people who ask. I am incredibly jealous of women, many of whom are my friends, who can say, “Whoa, no, we are DONE.” But that’s mainly because I mostly do feel done. I am done based on practical considerations, and I am done based on less practical ones ( what if a third child just wasn’t as awesome as the first two?), and I am ready for school-aged children who are out of the house for much of the day, and I’m ready to take vacations where I don’t have to worry about a toddler falling into a well.
But every so often, usually when my youngest is in the middle to late part of a stage I really like, I start thinking, is this really almost over? Am I sure I don’t ever, ever want to do this again? And usually I decide I’m sure, but sometimes I fantasize about accidentally getting pregnant with twins, and I name them, and I imagine how we’d manage, because of course we would, and wouldn’t we be such a big, happy, loving family! And it’s just so annoying. I really hope it does go away – especially since I’m pretty sure I could talk my husband into a third if I really, really wanted it, which is terrifying.
I also want to add that a trick for me when I start getting “another child fever” is to look for families the same size (and often with the same gender makeup) as mine in different stages of life and observe how happy they are. Like, I worry about not having enough adult children to have family fulfillment when I’m older. For instance, my daughter’s preschool teacher loved littles so much she works with them on purpose every day. But she still only had two of her own, and now they’re grown and she has two adorable grandsons and that seems to be just right for her. Or I’ll see a family in the library with girls about 13 and 10 and I’ll think, “ooh, that will be us someday fairly soon and look how great it is!” It helps tide me over until the day I hope I will finally feel like enough of a dried up old crone to be 100 percent satisfied with our decision to stop.
Er … not to imply that people who no longer feel the urge to have more children are dried up old crones. Just that I suspect I will have to personally have that feeling before the desire to add to our family ever fully goes away.
I relate to almost everything you’ve mentioned here…having two kids, not feeling done, feeling jealous of people who do feel done, yet feeling done for practical purposes, fantasizing about accidental pregnancies, comparing with other families with two kids. Both my husband and I come from families that had more than two kids, so part of it for me is having a hard time imagining my kids having only one sibling. What if they don’t like each other? What if they’re lonely? But I know lots of adults with one sibling, and it’s fine! Anyway, I’m glad I’m not alone in all this.
Oh my goodness, I am so much like you! I have a 3 and 6 girls, and just turned 38. And we wanted a third for awhile, and actively tried for a bit, but it didn’t happen and my husband settled into being happy with two kids. I am not actively longing for a third, but I just don’t feel done. Even though we are moving to a new home that fits two kids perfectly, and we will finally have the time to travel and camp and do things we love (that a newborn can’t do!) (well, that I can’t manage with a newborn, I know some people can figure it out but I can’t). And it just seems to make SO much sense that this is our family unit. And yet. My heart isn’t settled into it.
Oh, Swistle, your last sentence is breaking my heart. That’s a crappy feeling to have. I’m sorry. I have the amount of kids I hoped for, and it was a long road with loss and science involved, but I’m still weepy about my youngest entering toddler hood and realizing this is it for babies for me.
I am already steeling myself for a future of baby-longing. I had my first quite young and my second four years later, currently they are 5 and 18 months. I know I my husband will agree to one more in the next year or two because we both hope to have a daughter, but three is my husband’s limit and logically I agree. Even if we wait two more years I will still have possibly 20 more years of fertility left ahead of me, and I don’t think the desire to have another will magically go away. I know I don’t want to be like my mother though, with 6 kids and a 25 year age gap between the oldest and the youngest (even though I do think it’s cool that my son’s aunt is only a year older than him).
I have a good friend who shrugs when this comes up, she says “I said FOUR, he said TWO, God said THREE”. She doesn’t go on to say that God said three via cancer and full hysterectomy in her early 30s. I love her attitude of acceptance (she is well now BTW, 10+ years post treatment).
Me? I’m not so good at acceptance. I have had 4 children, 3 miscarriages, 2 of my kids in NICU with complications. My mental health after my last one was not good. I had a hard pregnancy and then so much anxiety after he was born. I went quite mad really, it was just so hard and I didn’t come up for air for the first 18 months. It was really, really hard on on my other kids (and me). I still feel quite devastated about it all (youngest is 2 now). I still have bad days. For this reason another child is not an option. I can’t take the risk that this might happen again. I don’t think I could survive it.
My husband just doesn’t get it at all. He doesn’t understand how hard it has been and I think he has been quite selfish at times. He isn’t sympathetic during the pregnancy and is the guy who rings on his way home from work to ask what’s for dinner. Our marriage is much stronger when I don’t have an infant to care for (he is paradoxically very involved with our older children, once they are about 4 years of age).
But, I still have days when I can feel my ovaries screaming out for another baby. I just love my kids so much that I feel they are worth just about anything in terms of my sacrifices. I am just not willing to sacrifice the other kids in exchange for another one if that makes sense. They would pay too high a price I think.
My best friend just doesn’t get it and lectures me freely “you can’t cope with another one”, “you know you can’t have another one”. It really, really P’s me because wanting another one doesn’t equate to actually planning to have another one. I do just like to think about it sometimes in a theoretical way kind of like musing on winning the lottery.
I also like to daydream about future grandchildren – you never know your luck!
“It really, really P’s me because wanting another one doesn’t equate to actually planning to have another one. I do just like to think about it sometimes in a theoretical way kind of like musing on winning the lottery. ”
This is me exactly. I muse on it and kind of wish we had another (or 4) but when my husband insisted on a vasectomy I didn’t really resist, because I understood all the good reasons for stopping when we did. But that doesn’t mean I can’t daydream about it. I mean, what if I found a baby in the cabbages? It could happen. He won’t indulge the daydreams at ALL, which is mildly annoying. He thinks we’re having the actual conversation about whether to have another, and I’m just having a conversation about how nice little babies are.
Also, Swistle, I’m with you. I used to really WANT another baby. Although I agreed intellectually that we were done, I still felt phantom milk letdown when I held other babies. I REALLY wanted another one in my late 30s, even up to 40…and now, I don’t. I don’t know when it happened, it was gradual, but now I’m 44 and I still really love babies but no longer see how one would fit in my life. And it doesn’t make me sad anymore to know that I won’t have another. Wistful, sometimes, but no longer sad.
Before having my kid, I had severe baby fever. I talked my husband into trying before either of us even had jobs lined up after graduate school. I was very interested in other people’s pregnancies and babies.
Right after I had my baby, I wasn’t interested in other people’s babies very much anymore. I was very interested in _mine_, but the others somehow lost their power to fascinate me. And, nearly 4 years after having my kid, I have not felt any baby having urges. I’ve thought about the idea and fretted about having an only child, but I’ve never just wanted to be pregnant. My husband felt that he was done having kids for sure immediately after having ours. He has softened slightly in his stance now, but with both of us feeling no strong desire for more, I guess we won’t have any! But I remember the feeling, and so I’m wary of either of us taking any permanent steps in case it comes back.
How funny, just this week I was thinking about babies. I had my daughters back to their preschool for a little summer camp and I saw several women I knew who were there when my youngest (now four) was there with their oldest, and lots of them now had their four year olds, and also now two year olds and one year olds and LOTS of them had babies in infant seats and I was thinking BETTER HER THAN ME, man. For so long I always had a baby and a toddler, or a baby and a bigger baby, it’s been years and years since I’ve only had one baby. But now I have had a year or two with everyone out of diapers, with everyone (mostly) sleeping, without breastfeeding and it’s just the greatest, to me. I never really liked babies, turns out, and I really do like school aged children better. I NEVER would have guessed that about me, but there it is. It’s so hard and impossible, even, to predict the future or how you’ll feel. I never understand how people can be so sure of what they want with such a complicated situation – I only want one, we are only having three, etc. I could never do that. I am much more comfortable, sadly, constantly questioning every damned decision I’ve ever made, ha ha boo hoo.
My first baby was an “oopsie”. Then I had to beg, plead, and cry for the second, who was conceived after only one time. (I’ve always said she was REALLY meant to be). Then I begged, pleaded and cried for a third, to be met with stony silence. I always resented him for not letting me have that third baby. We are since divorced, due to his addiction problems.
My babies are now 19 and 22.
I didn’t have a period at all in May, and 5% of my brain thought “‘hmmm, is it possible I’m pregnant? I might end up on the cover of the National Enquirer for being the world’s oldest, naturally conceived mother.” But the other 95% of my brain said “Menopause, here I come”.
The thought of a new baby now is… I don’t know what word to use. Horrifying, maybe. If I could go back in time and get that third baby I wanted so badly, I don’t know if I would. I feel like maybe things just worked out the way they should.
Now I can wait for grandchildren. And I hope I have to wait 10ish years for them.
I remember reading those posts, Swistle, and feeling for you, and then using some of the coping techniques you wrote about, especially the idea that “No matter how many kids you have, there will always be a last baby.” We managed to have one child after fertility treatments, and felt we had accomplished our primary goal, to be parents. She had been preceded by an ectopic pregnancy and an early miscarriage, so it took some courage to try for child #2. After another miscarriage at age 39, my desire to try further just evaporated. It was shocking to me how sudden and definite the feeling was. Like, I am not doing this to myself anymore.
Our experiences are so diverse! I remember, Swistle, how you were doing the math in your head about when you could come off birth control to have baby #6 at a certain time of year. And I thought, that is so amazing that she could reasonably plan that! In a strange way, it helped me forgive myself for not trying any more. My pregnancies were often brief and complicated and a drag, a totally different experience (not to downplay the general difficulty of pregnancy or any particular challenges you faced, Swistle).
Hearing all these stories makes me feel connected to women in general!
This is a timely post for me. My third is a few months old now and I still feel strongly that I want a fourth. Husband wanted two or three and I wanted three or four. I have agreed for this to be the last because logistically it would be hard to have the fourth but I know if my partner was willing I would do it anyway, even though I’d really like to return to work and up our income sooner. Which I will do once the kids are in school. I want it badly enough that I keep trying to figure out ways to make it work, like having it when I’m back working and the kids are much older, or even adopting even though I said to myself I’d never want to have kids in my 40’s which are getting close. I also feel a little mad that husband doesn’t want more, somehow it seems like I wouldn’t be mad if he just thought it wasn’t doable rather than not wanting it. I want the hope that maybe it could happen if the circumstances were right I guess.
As someone who has never (at least not yet) had this urge for a baby, I’m wondering if anyone could chime in on when it started for them? I’m kind of wondering if I’ve just completely missed the boat if it hasn’t happened by now, which makes me feel kind of sad.
As far as I can tell, it happens at wildly different times for different people—and some people never feel that intense biological craving, and yet still go nuts over the baby when it’s on the scene. For me it was partly circumstance-based: I was all “No children for me ever: I will have cats and tulips,” and then a friend got pregnant and I lost my mind.
I’m so glad you asked because that’s totally me! I’m 36 and wonder this from time to time. I kinda feel sad only for my mom who has friends with grandkids, and I know she would like them but is really good about not saying anything to me. I have a sister, but she’s currently unattached. She’s close to my age so really, I kinda feel for my mom. We have a really great relationship though so I’m sure that helps.
Berty, I am about to be 34 and I have never, ever had an urge for a baby. I very much enjoy children, and I have fun being around them… but I’ve just never had the desire to have my own. My husband feels the same way. We agreed early on (before we got married, 7 years ago) that if either of us felt that our minds had changed, we would discuss it and figure out how to proceed, but that hasn’t happened for either of us. Maybe it’ll still happen for you! And maybe it won’t? For me, I’ve always felt that I never wanted to have kids because I “should,” or because that’s just what you DO once you get married – I wanted to really, truly, actively desire children, if I were to have them. And I don’t. And there are times when that fact makes me feel a little odd, or out of place amongst my peers… but we are happy with our life, and our choice thus far. I hope that you are able to find peace with whatever you decide!
Berty, as you’ll see further down in the comments I knew I wanted kids and had two. What I never had was a biological urge to have them – it never felt desperate or like a craving or like I’d burst into tears when other people got pregnant while we were in the unsuccessful trying stage. I would say that it was more of an intellectual urge, supported by my values: family is extremely important to me, I had the means to comfortably support and educate children, I had a relatively good family medical history, I hoped I had the capacity to be a decent parent, and I didn’t really want my lineage to stop with me. (Yes, I realize this sounds a bit Vulcan of me, but that is the way I roll.) I was never into babies, or wanted to hold them, or spend time with other people’s kids.
Now I’ve got two (8 and 10) and I’m fiercely in love with them, and am really enjoying watching them develop into people and participating in that development. I have a feeling that I’m going to continue to really like the majority of what is to come (though I’ve been warned about some of the tween/teen stages many times so I’m sure there will be moments I’m tearing my hair out). But I still don’t particularly like most other children, especially small children, who I just find too chaotic and demanding of attention to be comfortable around. The only thing that has changed for me with children in general so far is that I now get a bit mooshy over other people’s little babies.
So if you don’t have a biological urge, I don’t think you need to feel sad. You may at some point decide you have other reasons for having kids, or you may not, and both are totally okay.
This is such an interesting discussion! Big range of feelings on this topic! I often feel like I’m the ONLY woman in the world who pretty much never got the biological urge. I love holding a little newborn, but never felt any stirrings or longings for my own. I got pregnant with a very “eh” attitude, because my husband wanted kids and I felt I could go either way. Now, of course, I couldn’t imagine my life without my 9 year old, but neither of us ever felt the need or desire to have another. Tough pregnancy + instantly feeling “done.” We never looked back.
I’m lucky: I always wanted AT LEAST TWO, and of those I wanted at least one girl if possible, but was never set on a number higher than 2. So when we had a daughter first, and a son second and my husband said he was done, I was a bit surprised, but didn’t feel I was giving up on a dream to accept his wishes. If I had started younger, I might have felt differently, but I had my kids at 33 and 35, so it seemed biologically reasonable to stop. And I’ve never really regretted that decision.
And yet, I have to admit I do have occasional dreams (literal dreams, not daydreams) of having another. Sometimes we’re adopting, sometimes I’m pregnant, etc. I’ve even had dreams where I’ve had and named a third baby (Olive, for some reason, which has never made my top 5 baby names list in real life). I think these dreams aren’t because I’m longing to have (or have had) another baby; I think it’s just my subconscious mind playing a little “what if”.
I’ve tried explaining all of these just-one-more feelings to my husband for years. I’ve lost hope that he’ll ever get it. I was telling a friend once that that 4th child who will never be born feels less like a loss, and more like a ever-present absence in my life. When we sit at the dinner table, with it’s six chairs, it’s hard not to see the empty seat and think we’re missing the final piece. But you’re right, the feeling’s intensity fades over time.
Sarah, I totally know how you feel! I wanted a fourth for years and years and had three miscarriages in a three year span. When I turned 35 I decided I was going to run a marathon or have a baby and if I didn’t have he baby I was done. Well, I signed up and paid for he marathon and 3 weeks later was pregnant with #4. The pregnancy was really scary for me and I was convinced our girl was going to die, but she’s 22 months now. She has been a very challenging baby and when she was born I was instantly done. Even in the delivery room I knew she was the last, which has been comforting since every time I am done with a stage I know we will never do it again and I tend to enjoy it (even the really challenging stuff) more than I did with my older 3 who are 12, 9, and 7.
But that longing for #4 and feeling like someone was missing was so hard and intense. And the miscarriages were also so awful. My early 30s were a pretty dismal time emotionally. In fact, I started running way to intensely to prove that my body could actually do something right, even if it wasn’t growing a baby that actually lived.
My husband through all this was quite ambivalent. He didn’t really want 4, but was willing to have another one since I wanted one so badly. Even still he would be happy with 3, even though our girl is just so adorable. But really, she’s a lot of work and we had *just* gotten out of the nap stage and had three actual kids on our hands.
I love that you review this topic from time to time. It reminds me that whatever may happen it is okay and lots of us go through it. But a fuzzy head baby , with baby smell just makes me weak in the knees