This morning I am thinking about two things that are more like one thing, or at least two things with significant overlap.
The first thing is when someone wants something very reasonable, something it would not be weird to expect to be able to have, but can’t have it. Like when someone really wants to get married and have children: no one would say to a child with that goal, as we might if the child’s goal to be a world-famous actor and then President of the United States afterward, “Oh, well honey, that’s a GREAT plan, but it’s a good idea to have a BACK-UP plan, just in case.” Marriage/children is a normal thing to want, and a normal thing to get, and yet there are lots of great people who want those things and can’t get them.
The second thing is when someone has something very desirable, something a LOT of people want but can’t have, and doesn’t want it. Like how I am married to a man who likes to cuddle at night, but I can’t sleep with someone touching me. I think of that episode of Friends where the guys are discussing ways to get out of a cuddle, because all their girls want to cuddle. Meanwhile there’s me, using those tips in vain. It feels so wasteful, and also so hard to complain about. Like saying “Ug, I just HATE having all this MONEY.” Or when the hairdresser is using the thinning scissors on my hair, and the elderly ladies getting perms to make their thin hair look thicker are squinting at me with envy and resentment. I’M SORRY I DON’T WANT WHAT YOU WOULD KILL FOR.
It’s on my mind right now because I want something that seems reasonable to me, something that does not seem weird to expect to have if I want it, which is to live near my parents. Furthermore, that seems like something a lot of parents WANT: they complain that their children live so far away, and nag them to live closer. My parents were in that group: my mom was very persistent about trying to get us to live near them. And then they got what they wanted, what LOTS of people want, and ALL their children moved close to home: my brother moved from across the country to live an hour away, and I moved from across the country to live .3 miles away. I wanted to live where I was already living, and I really didn’t want to move to the location where my parents lived, but my parents wouldn’t move to where we were, so I made that trade.
And now my parents have moved almost as far away as they can get and still remain in the same country. They still live here for part of the year, but that’s only because we’re here: they would like to move permanently to the new location. I could theoretically still have part of what I want: if my primary geographical goal is to live near family, which it was when I could still move freely, I could dig out all our roots, sell our customized house, take all the kids out of their schools, take us away from all our friends and hard-won social groups, leave my brother and sister-in-law and niece and nephew and sister-in-law’s siblings, and follow my parents. I could keep doing that every time they moved. Or, my parents could move back here, choosing live-near-family preferences over geographical ones. This is like saying that someone who really wants marriage and kids could have an arranged marriage, or that someone who doesn’t like cuddling could accept being cuddled because that’s what someone else would want.
I think that in the end it doesn’t matter if someone envies what you have; it’s their problem to find a way to change what they can or accept what they cannot change. I can empathize, but that’s about it. I mean, we all have to learn to cope with things that are not what we want.
Regarding the geographic family issues, yes it’s a mind bender. I was the only one to move away, and even decades later get asked when I’m coming “home”. It feels weird when to you, your home is not what they call home.
I think about what will happen after my daughter is educated and working in whatever field and/or married. Since I only have one child it’s tempting to think I’ll just move wherever she does. But of course that may not make any sense at all. Will she want me to come along? Will she need to move for a new job or a new job of her husband’s? Will I be able to afford the cost of living where she is? Would I even enjoy the part of the country she is living in for her life?
My point is that so much is up for grabs about the future, and it seems like while it’s really nice to live nearby each other and get to see each other a lot and be there in times of need, it may not be possible at all, and this is with only one child to consider.
I feel like it’s tempting to think there is a way to optimize everything, but in practice it can only happen temporarily at best. I was thinking about optimizing the other day. What if all of the nice experiences could all happen at once instead of staggered times–clean sheets, fresh pedicure, house clean and no laundry waiting, shopping done, and so on. It seems like that would just be so glorious, but the reality is no way can they all line up at once.
Ahh that is so hard. I live about 3 miles from my parents and I love it. My husband’s parents live 13 hrs away. Obviously the relationship my kids have with my parents is completely different than the one they have with his parents. But his parents do have grandkids in town too. I don’t know where you live, but if it’s a cold climate I absolutely get your parents wanting to live in Florida or somewhere warm in the winter (if that’s what is happening). We are a short day’s drive from Florida, and I spend every January trying to convince my husband to let me and the kids rent a house on the beach for the month of February. ;)
Also, only slightly related, but maybe of interest because of your job. My Dad’s mom has been admitted to hospice and in the process of dying. 4 of her children were local, and 4 lived out of state. All 4 of the out of state ones have come home to stay and care for her until she dies, taking FMLA time and leaving their spouses (all have grown children). So all 8 of her children are with her now. Of course, the whole thing is terribly sad, but what a special gift to be surrounded by her children, in her own home.
Your analogies at the end are spot on. You CAN have what you want, but there is a price that may not be acceptable or worthwhile.
And ugh. I’m so sorry that your parents are moving away for part of the year. That is sad and frustrating.
Hmmm. I feel like your tag line (on the blog — the luckiness/suckiness one) captures aspects of this, no? Also, I don’t know if you have seen the movie “Knocked Up,” but there is a scene that totally reminds me of how I feel about my husband, which is where the husband in the movie (he is a BIL to the woman who is “knocked up”) has made a getaway to Las Vegas along with the father of the baby-on-the-way, and he is lying on the couch in their hotel suite saying (paraphrased), “I should be GRATEFUL my wife wants to spend time with me and talk with me! That’s something I should be THANKFUL for — right?” So, right — too much of a good thing (arguably my circumstances) or the right thing at the wrong time or for the wrong person, isn’t, well, (exactly) the right thing. Though perhaps we can still appreciate what motivates it, or realize things could be far worse, or whatever
Sigh.
I’m sorry about your parents. Sometimes I look at aspects of my situation (not parent-related, but I’d like to be able to travel more, i.e., depart my home) and think that they will/likely can all change dramatically once my son, who I think is the same age as your youngest, graduates from high school. An oversimplification, obviously (I have done the college years with the stepkids, and they do not, in fact, flee the nest promptly or efficiently…), but also not actually that far off (less than a decade), so perhaps (?) you can think of this as a temporary problem that will offer other solutions/approaches down the road?
Also, who knows, after the November election perhaps uprooting the family and moving to another country altogether will seem like a prudent idea, so there’s that.
Yes, yes, yes!
I’m sorry about your parents moving. My parents tried to do the same — my dad was fixated on moving to Texas, for tax reasons to save money, so I would have an inheritance. I could not get my mind around that — that he would leave *until he died* so he could then give me money that proved I loved him.
In the end, they moved away from me to be near my sister. That seemed fair, because my parents had initially moved to be near me to help me with little kids, and so when my sister had a baby they left for her place. Even with their good intents, it was still hard to get over the sense of abandonment, compounded by the sense of embarrassment that I was a grown woman who still needed her mom and dad. But that sense of being a family really got lost when they moved — my kids don’t have the same ease around them, and our relationship misses all those bonding moments that come because you are just hanging out rather than because you had to call for a reason.
And whoa, rereading my comment, I bet you are thinking I’m some kind of human leech! But that was not my intent! My intent was to tell you I feel that you you’re not alone, and your parents moving sounds like a sucker punch from where I’m standing. If you haven’t, maybe tell them how you feel. It might be they don’t realize how much you want them there. Some things you can’t change, but still need to be acknowledged.
I relate so much to this comment. The damage that gets done when people move away is sad. Not all personalities and relationships can handle geographical distance. I know mine certainly can’t with my parents, whereas my sister and I have no problem staying close despite the distance.
Life is all about trade-offs. No matter what we are told or want to believe, we can’t have it all.
We can spend our 20’s and early 30’s building a great career and think we can always do the “baby” thing later only to find out that it may be too late. We can have our children young and think that we can build a career later on only to realize that getting the necessary education and breaking into the desired field is much harder when you are older and have competing responsibilities.
Being near family is such a fluid thing since life circumstances change over time. I couldn’t wait to move away from “home” when going to college and starting my career as I wanted to experience life in other places. Once I had a husband child and was trekking 8 hours to see family most holidays and vacations, living near family seemed like it would make life so much easier. After my divorce, I did move back and was grateful to be living near my parents as they aged and eventually died. However, now I am back in my home town (with fewer reasons to stay other than I job I love) and I can see how living somewhere else might be nice. However, my grown son is likely to stay here so I expect I will too – even after retirement.
Life happens when we are busy making other plans.
I feel I DID understand it was about trade-offs. I didn’t try to have it all: I traded where I really wanted to live, in order to live near my parents in a place I really didn’t want to live. And since they are now leaving, I live where I really don’t want to live, AND I don’t live near my parents. It’s the equivalent of delaying children for a career, and then ending up with neither the children nor the career.
I am so curious and nosy about what your mom and dad want now that they’re considering moving. Would they like everybody to relocate? Even in a wistful, theoretical way?
Interesting dilemma, because of course they can want you close, and of course they can change their mind about where they like to live, and of course you can feel ripped off, and of course where you live was a compromise but now it’s your home.
Hard to avoid resentment in these situations.
Yes, they would love for all of us who moved to live near each other (my household, my brother’s household, my sister-in-law’s siblings households) to move to the new area. They realize it’s not in the works, but my mom daydreams about it.
And YES, it’s frustrating for the very reasons you mention! Like, of COURSE we want them to live where they want! And of COURSE none of us are saying that a decision made 15 years ago has to be FOR ETERNITY, and we wouldn’t want THEM to be cheesed at US if WE had been the ones to move. And of COURSE I want them to be HAPPY, and not stay somewhere they’re miserable just to live near us. And of COURSE I want to go back in time and have them NOT LIVE HERE TO BEGIN WITH, THEN, IF LITERALLY NONE OF US WANT TO LIVE HERE. And of COURSE a million other things. And yet!
For some reason, this goofy song came into my head as I considered your dilemma. A laugh!
Ha! Funny!
I am in a bit of a reverse situation, though it has worked out. MIL and FIL moved closer to us after we had baby. It wasn’t a discussion they negotiated with us; it just happened. There are all sorts of perks to having them close by, and I am happy with it now, but at the time I felt like I was left out of the decision-making loop. This was after 15 years of being far away from any family members.
Oh, interesting! I remember when my mother-in-law was alive, she was thinking she would move to our town to live nearer us—and I thought “AAAAAAAAAAAAAA BUT WE ARE FAR AWAY ON PURPOSE!!”
I would be heartbroken if my parents moved away from me. They are about 75 minutes away right now, and I feel like I don’t see them enough as is. Luckily, I think my mom would like to stay where they are now, and will fight tooth and nail to not move away from her kids and grandchildren. I also know that my fiance and I are on the same page about not planning to move anywhere too far from where we are now.
I have six siblings, and all but one of us are very content living in the same state so we can have close relationships. Even my oldest brother would prefer to be here, but career-wise, it’s not that simple. He was 2000 miles away for four years, and my niece and nephew were a long, expensive plane ride away for the first several years of their lives. I did not enjoy it. They moved back to the area three years ago, and it has been amazing. Unfortunately, we just found out that they are moving once again…this time 2500 miles away. My heart is breaking. I am going to miss being there for every birthday party, kindergarten graduation, etc. I am also hoping to start a family in the next couple years, and it pains me that my kids will not have close relationships with their aunt, uncle and cousins. I grew up living in the same town as all 10 of my cousins, and it was so fantastic.
My mom and I have actually have this discussion quite a bit. We can’t make what is important to us be important to everyone else. She and I are very similar in that family is a huge priority to us. We go to every holiday, every party, every event…but not everyone feels that way. And that’s fine, but it does bum us out, too.
I feel as though there are many literary pieces that deal with similar things. Like the one where the young poor in love couple and the wife sells her hair to buy her husband a watch chain and the husband sells his watch to buy his wife hair combs. Well, not the same exactly as your situation, but it gives me a similar sense of hopelessness and despondency and of trying and planning to do a thing and then it all goes backwards.
It is very frustrating to make a great effort and do something (like move near your parents) and then someone else makes a decision that removes your option and puts you between a rock and hard place. And if you are anything like me, there is a lot of second guessing about the original decision. We are currently moving for a job and lifestyle change and opportunity. And it was a tough decision, but we made the decision and weighed everything. And then the last four months have been a series of ridiculous misses–housing issues, moving issues, kid issues, financial stress, and on and on. I keep trying to remind myself that I couldn’t see into the future and so made the best decision at the time that I could possibly make. And I would probably do the same decision with the same information again, and there was no way to know any of the stuff that has happened since.
It does seem to compound it somehow, when the “normal” assumption of the world is different from mine. Not only are you struggling with this thing, there’s a sense of loneliness that you are the only one struggling with it.
I’m wondering if there is a way to combine this with the theory you have about the things people splurge on? Like the surprise things that go against the grain? Also reminds me of the “these are the best days” people–the old ladies with thinning hair looking at your thick hair remembering when they had more hair but only miss it now that it is gone. And then you get “helpful” comments like “at least your parents are there half the year” and “at least they are still living even if it is a cross the country”. So then even complaining feels unsatisfying.
Oh how frustrating! My family also lives in a place I do not want to live with weather I do not want to have and though I would like to be closer, what I can TOTALLY see happening is we sacrifice to move there and settle in and they leave. I already did move to another city (thankfully one I liked) to follow them – only to have them leave. Not doing it again,
I often wish life was simpler with no choices like the old days – not really, I like the freedom to move – but it would make this whole “where should we live and who should move?” dance a lot less confusing. So sorry this is happening to you.
I totally get this. We moved ~1800 miles away from both sides of the family 4 years ago and it is definitely a trade-off. I love spending time with my family, and my mom – who never lived more than 10 miles from her own parents except during college – threw a small fit about the fact that our move coincided with her decision to finally retire. We actually had a spat over the phone that resulted in me hanging up on her after she said “This isn’t how I envisioned my retirement!” Well, Mom, maybe MY CAREER and MY LIFE isn’t all about you!! Anyway, it’s hard sometimes, especially now that my sister just had her first baby. But I love where we live, and my oldest is going into 8th grade so now I feel like we’re pretty well rooted here until he goes off to college…(and beyond, because my employer will pay my dependents’ college tuition at any university and well, I just can’t walk away from that.) But on the upside, each set of grandparents takes the kids for 2 weeks during the summer. It’s a child-free July for us!
I guess I don’t really have a point, except to say that I get this feeling and sometimes wonder if the trade-off is worth it. In my case, I have no one to blame but myself – I’m the one who wanted to move, but we do love where we are now and it was good for both of our careers. There’s no way we’ll live here forever, mostly because the cost of living is astronomical and I can’t imagine trying to do it on a fixed income, but it works for now…even though holiday travel is a pain in my rear end. We’re lucky to have the financial means to accommodate, so we just suck it up and pay lots and lots of money to the airlines at several points throughout the year.
Ooooohhhh Swistle. Two years ago my parents moved away, and it wasn’t FAR away – still within very reasonable driving distance for weekends – but they used to live a ten minute drive away from me. That was difficult enough to adjust to, but the fact that yours have moved THAT far away, well. That’s hard. I have much sympathy. Mine also are “snowbirds” for a big part of the winter, so I don’t see them then either. Well, I have no advice or anything like that, just sympathy.
Oh this is SO frustrating. Your parents are people with preferences, too, and are free to follow those preferences, but you’re left stuck living somewhere you don’t want to live! If this had been part of the deal from the beginning (we’d REALLY love to have you guys come live close to us! but, fyi, when we retire, we want to go someplace warmer!) it would be easier to swallow. But this feels like a bait and switch.
My family is in a similar situation: My sister and I live about 6 hours away from my dad. We each have 4 kids, and very busy lifestyles. My dad is insistent we go visit him frequently-to the point of Hurt Feelings and tension when life doesn’t work out in his favor. HE is the one that is retired and could travel. HE is the one that is making the fuss that life is too short, the grandkids would have a ball, etc… HE is the one that chose to move away. And yet…we feel like we are being punished for his decisions and attitude.
I feel for you Swistle. You moved to a place you weren’t enamored with for the sake of Family. It seems that priority isn’t being reciprocated, now that you are somewhat stuck in the place you really didn’t want to be in the first place. It has to sting.
You’ve described my mother. My brother and family are 3 hrs away, my family about 6 1/2 hrs away. Bro and I have families with 2 working parents and 2 kids in a myriad of activities. Yet she gets INCREDIBLY bent out of shape that we can’t come visit. She is retired, doesn’t work/volunteer at all, and is SIXTY FIVE. Not 80. She is making this choice to not be with us or the grandkids. Boggles the mind.
I have really struggled with distance of family and who commits to what, who CAN commit to what and feeling everything from frustrated, sad, angry, resentful, betrayed….
Recently, I’ve started to think there is something bigger going on: a fundamental disconnect between my logic and my parent’s logic. In short, I don’t know and can’t understand what my parents are thinking. It didn’t use to feel that way. I’m not sure that THEY understand what they are thinking. If they do, they can’t communicate it to me.
I read this book: How to Say It to Seniors: Closing the Communication Gap with our Elders by David Solie. It takes the position that as we become seniors, we enter a new developmental stage, and this changes our thought process and resulting actions.
Originally, I checked it out of the library. But I found it so helpful in giving me perspective into my parents (and their decisions/actions/behavior), that I bought a copy for myself. I’ve been reading a lot of books about aging, and nothing even comes close thinking about aging like this book. Recommend. Highly.
Interesting. I often find with my inlaws that I cannot distinguish between when they are offering something and when they are requesting something. I wonder if this relates to the generation gap.
Thanks for the recommendation! Just reserved it at my library!
I think I need this book. I just had this discussion with my husband, because my parents came for my daughter’s 3rd birthday party. They live 500 miles away and I do see my mom quite a bit – she flies down to babysit for me for a week every other month or so – but it was still really odd to me that they drove down the day before the party and left literally the morning after it. They are retired. They no longer have any pets. They have no obligations other than doctor’s appointments and the occasional event with family members who live closer to them. I suggested that they stay one more day, and they … wouldn’t. And I just didn’t get it. My mom always says she doesn’t like to burden my sister, who she has check on the house whenever they travel. But it was One. Day. No one is going to burgle their house out in the middle of nowhere in the one extra day they stay away. It was … gaahh. It really felt exactly like you describe – like maybe they didn’t even understand why, but that’s the way it had to be.
We have a similar situation, except in my case I was younger when we moved with my parents and now they have abandoned us for America’s Wang, where they live full time. But they come here in the summer and stay with either me and my husband and four kids or, like this summer, with my sister, who lives on her own but who is still being driven crazy by her guests.
I was older when I got married so I am mad because my parents were much more involved with my older nephews and niece than they are with my kids. It’s super awkward when they are here, too – my Dad is set in his ways to the point that he will barely leave my sister’s house. My mom helps me a lot and sees the kids a lot but I still mad – I just know they are going to stay away until they are so old they need help and THEN they will come back. It’s so hard, it makes me feel like a brat but there it is.
Bam. This also captures exactly how I feel. I’m sorry! My parents refuse to live near me but my mom has said that if she dies either me or my sister will need to look after our dad (so I guess she means he can move here when she dies). Am I supposed to root for her to die so I can have a relationship with my dad? Obviously the answer is NO, but man this sucks. And I resent the expectation that I should offer my home at holidays so we can all be uncomfortable together for a few weeks a year.
Isn’t it awful when parents visit and then it’s super awkward with the kids?! So I’m the one who moved away – to a whole other country. But my parents will visit for 2 weeks a year – they stay at a hotel. They really don’t stay in touch with my kids the rest of the year though at all and so then they show up after a whole year and have zero relationship with my kids. My Dad especially. I don’t think he even likes my one son and my son can tell. :(
My parents chose not to move to warmer climes because of their grandkids. They would go there for visits but always came home just in time for one of my nephew’s birthdays. This was their choice. I think they realized that it wasn’t really an option for my brother and his family to move where they were so there you have it. My husband and I chose to move away from the area where most of both of our families are, but since we don’t have kids of our own it was probably a much easier choice.
This mismatched expectations dilemma is one that is putting a lot of stress on my marriage right now. Because it is absolutely reasonable to want those things, to have expectations about how your life is going to be. But when people don’t reconcile themselves to the fact that other people also have expectations and we all have to give a little, Inlaws, it becomes frustrating and actually terrible.
I am sorry that your parents are moving. And I think it is nice that they are snowbirding, because that means they understand their expectation – that everyone should move with them – is unreasonable. It is something to mourn/grieve. But, you may find that you and your siblings are better for it.
They are not snowbirding—another commenter mentioned that, but that’s not what my parents are doing. They’ve moved to another regular place.
I think it’s the “they still live part of the year here” part that’s confusing everyone re: snowbirding
I used to live in New Orleans. The entire time I did, my parents would ask when I was coming home. I finally did and lived with them briefly, moved out, met a man, got engaged, got married, had 2 children. Aforementioned parents moved to Florida (we live in MA) and are snowbirding (which is what I imagine your parents are doing – locations could be different). So now, they have 2 grandchildren they profess to love and miss, but to get them to come up here between October and May is like pulling teeth (I don’t ask them to, actually, but they profess to wish to be here for birthdays, etc, while not actually being here for same). And then, when they are in the area (still an hour away) the complain we don’t see them enough. I’m like, “people, HONESTLY. YOU MOVED. I did not move. This is your problem, not mine.” Nine months of the year we have to get along without you…and the remaining three are going to reflect that – we have things going on.
It makes me nuts. I do not have a wish to follow them, however, because their little corner of the sunshine state has zero appeal for me.
So, right, parents, who understands them?
Not to your direct point but I Am So With You on the ‘dont touch me when I’m sleeping’ thing married to a cuddler.
I have never before complained about that out loud because like you said it’s like waaaaah too much money.
I hate the cold but am firmly entrenched in a city where it snows 6 months of the year until my grandmother and both parents (who are no longer together) and my father-in-law (who is now married to my mother – yes, you read that right) are gone. Well until my father-in-law, dad, and grandmother are gone as they are all very firmly entrenched where they are: my mom has always said she’d come wherever I go. Right now we’re 30 minutes from my mom and father in-law, 40 minutes from my dad, and my grandmother is a 2-hour drive.
You and your commenters are totally right about how living close to family enhances relationships and family ties. We see my mom and my husband’s dad almost every weekend for dinner and we all enjoy hanging out together. My husband helps with some of the physical work required of living in the country, and I do their taxes and help out in the kitchen, and we all enjoy good meals and each other’s company and our kids get a closeness that does not exist between our parents (who are not particularly sentimental or naturally family-oriented) and their other grandkids.
I have to admit though, while I’ve always hated cold and snow and sworn to leave, we’re definitely putting in some roots here ourselves. We love our house and have gotten most of it renovated just the way we like, we like our neighbours, we’ve made friends within walking distance, my husband owns a local business. I have a well-paying job that lets me work from home whenever I want up to 3 days a week, with a boss and colleagues that are full of appreciation for what I do… I can’t help but wonder if I’ll be in the same situation as you some day: able to finally leave, but entrenched where I am of my own accord.
I am dying to have more info here! What made them decide to move? If I were your mom there’s no way I’d give up the chance to do random shopping with you!
I had a big long paragraph about the moving closer to parents issue, but I’m not sure it added anything. But I’d be really frustrated in a similar situation.
I will also say, I too can’t fall asleep if I’m being touched. My husband would happily have an arm across me all night, but fortunately, his allergies make it necessary for him to switch positions frequently to drain his nose, and I usually get my space. Marriage is just so sexy sometimes.
Sigh. I live in my hometown solely because my parents and 2/3 siblings are here, but this would NOT be my choice. I hate the weather, schools aren’t good, hospitals aren’t good, etc. But I’m very family oriented. So it’s a trade-off. The free babysitting is great, and my boys have an incredibly close bond to my mom (and dad, and siblings), but still…I so wish we could all live somewhere ELSE.
For awhile we discussed moving to somewhere with better schools and jobs, but now we are firmly entrenched, I feel. We have a lot of friends, social lives, my boys would be beyond devastated to move.
But sometimes I’m just like, but what could have been…. :/
I have been following you for years and I am SO MAD at your parents! Who is your mom going to shop cheap deals with? Man, this bummed me out.