Tonight at work I had a terrible shift, where things happened that I am not trained or paid enough to deal with and yet I had to deal with them anyway. For a mental picture that gives you the gist without the details, imagine that you have agreed to work as an assistant teacher in a classroom and, while you are there, all the students throw up all over the floor, and you have to clean it up even though it is not at all what you were hired to do, because in this imaginary scenario I am creating just to give you the idea, you are the only person there and no one else can help all those poor sick kids.
Anyway. It was awful. It reminded me of when one of my babies would have a diaper so terrible that I didn’t even know how to start, and considered CUTTING the onesie off rather than dragging that horrifying object up over the baby’s head. (By the way, if you have not yet encountered this and need to file away this information: most onesies can be pulled DOWN.) Or when a child would throw up so extensively that I would be sobbing while cleaning it up, because I knew I would never, ever be done cleaning it up. And yet the only thing to do was to keep working at it.
And I did keep working at it, and I did fix it. At the end of the shift, the client said something so loving and grateful to me, I went from thinking, “Never again. Nope. Never, ever again. This is WELL BEYOND my pay grade,” to thinking, “I can never leave, not until death do us part.” I went home and poured a giiiiiiiiant brandy, for shock and trauma. I put all my clothes into the laundry and put on comfy jammies. I washed my hands up to the elbow in the hottest water I could stand, several times. I lay down on the bed and the littler boys snuggled in, one on each side, and I soaked it up.
This is reminding me of working a cash register. It’s a job that I hate, and that I am very good at. I am polite, and smiley, and I try to fix things and make the customers happy. While doing this, and afterwards for literally years, I suffer. Every snippy or unfair thing a customer says, every error I make, every time something goes wrong that I can’t fix—all of those things are slow-burning coal for the lying-awake furnace.
It’s hard to explain to my bosses what the problem is. Why am I saying I don’t want to work the cash register, when I am so obviously a natural at it? Why am I running out the door, lighting everything on fire as I go, when dealing tactfully with horrifying messes is clearly my calling? It is difficult and complicated and hard to explain, to be good at something you hate.
One thing that has helped me in these job situations is using the thought process that I can quit anytime. I haven’t signed a contract, I haven’t incurred student loan debt for an entry level part time position, our bills are paid, etc. I can quit, and knowing that the cage door remains open is very freeing. Now, I may choose not to quit, but I can break the misery cycle just thinking about the possibility of freedom. Im sorry tonight was so hard and horrible. Im sorry that smart, capable women don’t have better options after spending time raising a family. Your writing has made many of my bad days much better. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I am taking Brene Brown’s Living Brave Semester class right now and this is an example of “being in the arena” which is a metaphor for being brave and vulnerable and putting yourself out there. She says if you are vulnerable and in the arena often enough, you WILL fall. (She is a researcher and has proven this). So you fell tonight. Now you must Rise Strong, which is her most recent book. She said that you first need to write a shitty first draft (SFD) then rumble with the feelings for a while and go back to your journal and continue to write to work out all of the feelings. I haven’t finished the book…so I’m not sure what comes next. But you seem to be doing a good job because your blog is like your journaling. She says that her research shows that the only way to live a wholehearted life is to continue to be vulnerable and brave. So, even though you had a shitty night, you are doing the right thing to go back in the arena.
I think you might have misunderstood. I don’t think she fell tonight. She rose to the occasion and handled a horrible situation really well – uncommonly well. She doesn’t LIKE the messy situation but she is (unfortunately) very GOOD at dealing with them. The title says it all: she is good at what she hates.
hmmm…yes, that sounds good too. Perhaps she fell and rose on the same night. A fall doesn’t always have to mean that you did a bad job though, it can mean an emotional fall. Like by the end of the night she felt like crap and maybe it leaves you feeling unsure of what to do next.
Either way, she is in the arena and being vulnerable and rumbling with her feelings, which are all good things that I am trying to learn to do in the class.
Solidarity, sister. I’ve never tried your current impossible-sounding line of work, but I am so with you in being good at cashier-type jobs, and I am with you in loathing them.
Also? You put this (something I’ve thought about & tried to express often) into words so so perfectly. Your writing is clear as a bell.
Do you hate being good at it? It sounds just horrible and like something that everyone would hate. Thank you for doing this horrible thing well even though you hate it. I know you made a horrible situation for someone else less horrible than another person would have. Thank you.
I’m going to echo this. As someone who watched an ill parent be taken care of by plenty of nurses, hospice staff, PT people, etc., I want to say THANK YOU. What you do isn’t glamorous or easy or fun all the time. But there are many, many of us who are so thankful sweet, caring people out there are taking care of our loved ones. (Because believe me, I’ve also experienced the absolute worst in your field, which makes you all the more awesome.) You let the people you take care of keep their dignity, even at their worst moment, and that’s so important.
You can pull a onesie DOWN? How did I not know this? My kids are well past the onesie stage and I cut a fair number of them off for just the reason described above.
it’s why they have those funky (envelope I think they’re called) shoulders. :-)
It is delightful that a warm child can have a similar soothing effect to a brandy. My pre-child self would never have believed it. I do notice that tonight’s trauma required TWO soothing children though: thank goodness you had the correct number on hand!
I love this. So supportive and comforting, almost like 2 children + brandy.
Whenever I have to get through grueling, hideous tasks I psych myself up and convince myself that I am the ONLY person who could ever even handle it, that it would be impossible for anyone but me to attempt. I might hate the task, but I always enjoy more evidence that I am just the baddest Bitch ever, lol.
Aww , you are a good person Swistle. It’s tough that doing good for other people can take so much out of the care provider. I feel this in motherhood sometimes, and at work.
I’m glad you had your kids to snuggle with!
Way to be there for your client, Swistle!
I identify with this SO MUCH. I am really good at retail sales. I hate it so much I cried almost every night about something. I’m really good at a decent number of things I hate though, and this is probably why I keep thinking about going back to work now that my kids are in school and just DREADING IT because I’ve only ever had one job that I didn’t hate in this way and it doesn’t exist anymore. :-/
I would not work at a job that I hated unless I absolutely needed the income. I would rather like doing something that I wasn’t great at. That way there’s room for improvement. And liking what I do.
I think you deserve better than dealing tactfully with horrifying messes.
Much to my utter and complete shock I was a fantastic waitress. I was so effortlessly good at it and my tables always loved me. But I HATE making small talk, smiling, faking interest in strangers, etc. basically everything except the tips and when your shift was over, your work was completely done. I haven’t waitressed in years but sometimes I still ponder why I was naturally equipped with a skill set I have no desire to use.
Ouch.
I’m glad you are good at the horrible task, for the sake of your client, but it’s awful that you had to be the one to step up.
I think it’s unfortunate that it’s so hard to find employment that fits around raising children. We’re struggling with this right now. I like my job, my husband likes his job, but we have a child and something’s got to give.
Right after I read this, I had to check on my 4 & a half year old in the bathroom, which resulted in him needing a bath, the toilet needing unclogging & his underwear being thrown away! Sounds not as dramatic as your work thing though – I’m glad you were so appreciate by your client at least.
It broke my heart a little to read how grateful the client was. I really feel for you. Taking care of elderly people is a hugely underpaid job that can have a real physical and emotional toll on the caregiver. The people who took care of my mom at the end of her life were real saints to me. It sounds like your client needs a higher level of care. Hopefully you can help them get it and then you will never have to go through that again.
Sounds like you came through like a trouper, not to belittle your agony in the process! You are one of the most self-aware people ever!! Your accounts always provide so much helpful insight.
Your account of the onesie reminded me of a time my daughter had an absolute BLOWOUT in her onesie while we were traveling. This was before they had changing tables in public restrooms. I took her in a restroom at a gas station and stripped her down, washing her with one hand while holding her buck naked over the not-so-clean sink, rotated her under several button-pushes of the hand dryer until she was dry, then bundled her into her (thankfully not soiled) blanket and carried her to the car for a wardrobe change. We can laugh about this now.
Bless your heart.
I keep thinking about your client and how lucky he/she was that you were there. What would have happened, what would have been his/her recourse if you weren’t? Hopefully family that he/she could have called, I guess?
It sounds like you are preparing to make a difficult decision about the job situation, and I wish you luck with that. It may be helpful to remember that whatever decision you make is the right one, if it is right for you.
It sounds like you dealt with the situation perfectly–the most important thing is that you didn’t let the stress get to you in the moment, and you kept doing what needed to be done until the task was complete and your shift was over. Your client was lucky to have someone around who was able to handle it so well!
Also, your situation reminds me of a similarly horrific situation I had at my old childcare job. The place I worked at had a chicken coop, and somehow it became my job to be the Chicken Guardian. All I really had to do was feed them and keep the kids from messing with them, so I didn’t mind. Anyway, long story short one of the chickens DIED and I had to DISPOSE OF THE BODY and then explain the Great Circle of Life to a group of very upset first-graders. It was awful. I think I handled the situation as well as could be expected, but OH GOD NEVER AGAIN.
I also keep thinking about your client and how wonderful it was for them that you were there and not someone who would take how how awful it was on them. I don’t think there’s anyone in the world who enjoys dealing with vomit or diapers or boogers, but the fact that you can do it with Mary Poppins flair is a blessing to the people you do it for.
I read your post last week and thought about it after because it is a really interesting point. Then my 1 yr old had the worst diaper of her life and I thought about it as I pulled her onesie down and threw it in the garbage. And then I thought of it again as I cleaned up horrible horrible soul sucking messes that had been aimed in the (closed) toilet’s general direction by another child. I think I should go read one of your drop in the bucket posts or think about the positives.
I’m sorry. That sounds terrible. However, I will also say–given what you have said, I do think that is probably the part of the job that EVERYONE would hate. No one likes being the person to clean up a classroom full of vomit. If this were everyday in your job, or you were encountering these terrible situations constantly–I would say run away as fast as you can to something you’ll enjoy. But if it is more infrequent, then can you focus on putting it out of mind? I don’t know what all goes on in your mind that you don’t share here, but from a reader’s perspective, it seems like your job on the whole has been a good thing. And we all have terrible days, whether it’s at work, or parenting, or any other area of life. Don’t let one day and one terrible situation be the one that has you making drastic decisions.
(but then again, I don’t know anything and I’m not you—so take this with a grain of salt!! best wishes!!)
I am good at a number of things I hate. It is so useless. I will not do those things (anymore, now that I can afford not to!) but then I still cringe when other people do them, and do them terribly.
One thing that makes me feel a little better is my current field, which I do actually love (and I’m good at it!) but it’s something most people think sounds horribly tedious / boring, so it pleases me to think that at least I’m taking ONE of those jobs off the table where you think “thank jeebus someone else is willing to do that..” :)
It is worth considering that you are also good at things you love, like writing, and thinking things through in ways other people don’t consider, and baking, and Target bargain-hunting, and surprising people with little things they adore, and caring for your family, and probably into the multiple dozens of things I don’t know about. (Math? Parallel parking? Making wait staff smile?)
I guess my point is that you’re not ONLY good at things you hate.
Yes. This is me and outside sales. I’m awesome at it, can make great money, absolutely loathe in. Can’t. Nope, nope, nope.
xox