We are having our first interval of events where it would really make things much better and easier if I weren’t working. TWO of the kids are having medical issues of the sort where the nurse calls YOU to tell you when your appointment with the specialist/equipment is, and already I had to call out on a shift once (Edward needed an MRI, and the MRI machine is quite booked up and you take what you can get), so now I really really feel as if I’d better not do so again. Because of various changes in client schedules, my hours are down to only ten per week, which makes it even more ridiculous when I have to take some of them off. But those ten hours are in four different shifts, two of which are right smack dab in the middle of a day. It makes things tricky.
Today I am waiting for a call to tell us an appointment time, and I’m trying very hard NOT to do the thing where I waste a lot of time thinking of all the things that COULD be wrong with it, when none of those things are yet the case. (They could call while I’m at work and can’t answer my phone. They could say, “Your appointment is at [time when I am still at work].” They could call and say the appointment is the NEXT time I have to work. I could miss the call AND the appointment. I could say, “Oh dear, but I have to work then!” and they could imply that I don’t sufficiently prioritize my child’s health.)
Because maybe instead it will be one of the many things that would be GREAT! Maybe they will call right after I get home from my shift, and they will suggest an appointment on a day I’m not working, at a time that would be perfect!
Anyway. It would be a lot easier if there were no job schedule to work around. I’m finding it stressful to figure this out. And that’s on top of the medical stresses. One of them is that the medication Edward takes for his Crohn’s disease has apparently stopped working, so now we start again with trying medications and reading horrifying lists of side effects and going to closely-spaced appointments, just when we had gotten to the cruising altitude of auto-refills and twice-yearly check-ups.
The other is that William fell and wrenched his knee, and it’s swollen and the doctor winced when he saw it and I got the impression I should have taken him to the emergency room the day it happened instead of waiting for the next morning, and when they did an x-ray they found bone cysts. Bone cysts. What even ARE bone cysts. They’re halfway through his shin bone; the doctor said if they spread much further, the bone could just snap as William is walking along. Anyway, we will need to see specialists about both these issues, the knee and the bone cysts, and I don’t feel as if I understand even what is going on yet, so I’m looking forward to the appointments but also nervous about managing them with my job.
One thing I really wish is that my workplace was the kind where I could try to fill my own shifts. I’ve had jobs like that before, and while it’s hard to say to a co-worker, “Please please pleeeeeeeease can you work for me 1:00-3:00 today, I will OWE YOU,” or “Listen, can I trade my 1:00-3:00 shift today for your 1:00-3:00 shift tomorrow?,” it is easier than saying to a boss, “I’m sorry, I suddenly can’t work 1:00-3:00 today.” The tone. The tone of voice a boss uses when an employee calls out. It’s the WORST.
Is there a reason why this is just your problem? I think you’re married with a husband who works full-time, right? How come your husband isn’t looking at his schedule and finding a way to step up for at least some of these appointments?
I know that if these were my children, I would definitely want to be at those appointments. My husband is great, but undoubtedly I would want to ask questions that he wouldn’t think of it, etc. It’s not like it’s just a simple yearly physical :)
My husband and I do try to split the appointments, but I always feel like I don’t get enough information when I don’t go, so I always prefer to go myself if I can. Also, ain’t nobody in my family getting an MRI without me. Nobody. Screw work.
Totally agree. Every time my husband goes to a major appointment or takes the call to receive medical results I end up asking him a bunch of questions, he doesn’t know the answers and gets increasingly frustrated to the point where he tells me he will NEVER go to these things/take these calls because What Is The Point?, and then I end up having to call/go to the doctor’s office anyway to get my answers. He does have a point – I’m the one with the science background and the one who remembers the details of other/previous medical issues that may factor in, so I always have more, and more detailed, questions.
Then the next time, he’s the one with the open schedule and can go, and we end up repeating the same loop all over again.
There are two questions here. One of them is an implied question, which you also answered. The implied question is “Is this only YOUR problem?” You assumed an answer of “Yes,” but the actual answer is “No.”
The second question, once we’ve established the answer to the first question, is “Why have you and Paul chosen to divide this particular part of the problem the way you have, so that if someone has to take off of work, it’s always you?” I’m not sure how much detail would be interesting. The short answer is that Paul works over an hour away, and makes way more money than I do. We both agree this is unfair, and sucks; nevertheless, it doesn’t make sense to either of us for him to take time off.
Probably because his job pays the mortgage and the health insurance and Swistle’s family (like my own) has been set up for a long time with an at home parent who takes on these responsibilities so the primary earner can stay employed. I know that is outside of the modern construct, but one wage earner families (part-time work being low paying and without benefits) typically work this way.
I hate when I have call/text and say I can’t come. It’s unpleasant.
Fortunately, in the long term it’s not a big deal – 3 months from now no one will be bothered that I couldn’t come on this day because my kid was sick.
Oh, wow, this is stressful. So stressful! Hopefully the MRI will work out easily and you get some answers and help for the bone cysts. Gah. I’m so sorry you have to deal with all of this.
You wrote: I could say, “Oh dear, but I have to work then!” and they could imply that I don’t sufficiently prioritize my child’s health.
I know that there are definitely people that DO have that tone and they are the worst, but you have to try to not think like this. Remember that the person at the other end of the phone is working too, and may very likely have children and complicated schedules to juggle. I find that when I am making appointments and I need a second to consider whether or not that time works with me, telling them “sorry I just need a second to think about my work/childcare schedule” gets a way better response than dead air as I frantically try to decide whether I can make the time they are proposing.
Sorry you have to deal with these stressful medical issues!
I would not blame you one bit if you had to step away from the job until you got the two kids stable again. You have only so much care to give at one time. I’m sorry; this is a lot to handle at once, and I’m sure that nothing feels like an easy decision.
As a working parent, I think it’s easy to pin a lot of the scheduling difficulty on work, but in fact you’re juggling tons of other things, too (other kids’ schedules, school schedules, activities, etc). And work is undoubtedly more awkward to deal with in terms of having a supervisor to inform when you need to change/miss a shift as opposed to, say, a kid’s t-ball game. But honestly, every working parent (especially moms, because that’s just how it is) faces these moments of angst about scheduling. This is a very tricky time, as you said. Things often seem to pile up all at once. It’s super stressful. But it’s endurable, and as others have said, this time will pass and you’ll click along for a while, and then they’ll pile up again, and then pass again. Which is all to say that even if work people get A TONE about having to fill a shift, I am positive that every other person in that job has to cancel/change shifts on a regular basis. You’re not the first or the only one, which is of course why people are calling YOU all the time to try to get you to take extra shifts (thinking this sort of thing soothes me a lot when I get similarly wound up about feeling like I am not meeting someone’s expectations). It’s ok.
(Also: bone cysts?? What in the world! Argh.)
Oh, such good practical advice! I was going to say something similar!
I work FT (always have) and after I had a kid, I started giving Zero F***s about when I have to call into work. Granted, no one has to “cover my shift” but sometimes someone might have to complete a project or go to a meeting for me. But in the end? My children and my family are No. 1. Even if I’m out of PTO time, well, Fine, I guess I have to take it unpaid, because this is just the way it is. My kids come first. I’m the default parent. No apologies.
It’s SO hard when our kids have things wrong with them or get sick or everything Happens At once and I know you have to be so worried. Let that worry go toward them and not to work. Work gets along without you just fine. Your kiddos need you.
Tricky, tricky!
Based on your overall body of work (in other words, I’ve read your whole darn blog), I know you and Paul work out duties as equitably as you can.
One good thing to remember is how much they need and appreciate you at your place of work. If you decline a few shifts or rearrange them, they STILL need you, and are hardly going to let you go just because you have some active medical stuff going on.
I am in the middle of getting a boiler installed, and though the stakes are considerably lower than kids’ medical care, I get that harassed feeling from working it into my schedule. I am just one of those people who hates to cancel anything!
Good luck! You are doing it!
Oh. Lawyerish’s comment is spot on. You are facing many challenges and it seems like it is piling on right now. Taking a new job was a challenge for you, now making it fit with your existing school year life is the new challenge. Every parent faces this. With regard to the doctor’s offices, it is certainly OK to say, rather than, “Oh dear, I have to work then,” but instead “that time doesn’t work for us,” or “Are there any other options?” They don’t need to know why it doesn’t work.
But seriously, every person deals with these sorts of things. Working parents more than singletons. But parent caregivers have these challenges and companies deal with it all the time. You are always getting calls to fill in? Maybe when things free up, you take more of those, if it makes you feel better.
It’s been interesting to read your working story, joining the workforce after a long break, plus having a bunch of kids. So many of us are working parents with babies and it is a challenge for formerly dependable workers when after having a child and being out on leave, they suddenly feel or appear unreliable because of childcare problems or illnesses, but experienced managers will know that these things are phases. It definitely got better as my children got older, but I still had to miss two days last week because my child was suddenly ill.
I’m sorry about the health challenges for your kiddos.
Jeez Louise, I just looked up bone cysts and had no idea that was a thing! Yikes. Also, major yikes and hugs about Edward’s medication. That’s so stressful, I’m sure.
Put all that in the mix with work-related stress and…well…I can imagine. I had a similar appointment that I got a call about and when I tried to say that was a bad time for me, the scheduler said “Well, that’s the time you get. Otherwise you won’t get another time.” OKAY THEN. And you know, there really is no GREAT time. I mean, there are better times, but medical stuff is always stressful no matter what. So, I’m really sorry to hear about this. And I’m sure lots of other people switch out shifts too, since you’re always getting calls to fill shifts. xoxo
Not sure if this would be feasible or helpful, but could you tell the shift organizer at work (pre-emptively) that you have 2 children with temporary health issues and that you will have a lot of important medical appointments in the next couple of weeks but that you don’t yet know when they will be …and that you will be happy to work as many shifts as you can but that your schedule is a little unstable right now and could change without much notice.
Hopefully this will make the shift organizers feel more compassion and understanding and take some of the pressure off you.
I used to work at a place that was SO CHILL about things like that. In fact, we were over-staffed so often that my boss would tell us to just go ahead and schedule appointments and things during work hours because we always had way more people around than we needed. I know, right??? I miss it.
In my current situation, I’m pretty sure that if I called and said I couldn’t come in because I was literally on my deathbed, the response would be, *siiiiigh* “Okay, well, I guess I’ll see what I can figure out, but I really need you here from now on.” I know exactly what tone you’re talking about and it’s THE WORST.
I’m still hung up on how the doctor’s office calls you and tells you when your appointment will be. That would never work in my world. What a nutty system. I think I’d almost rather have a plan-ahead-able window of when to show up and just wait rather than what they have going.
Hang in there. If I’ve learned anything from being a working mom is that some days (weeks) you feel like you’re the one not holding up your end of the bargain and then that times passes and it’s other’s turn to need some time off to handle stuff with their kids. This, too, shall pass.
Ugh, I have hives just reading this. I can barely manage appointments with my kids who have few health issues, so I can’t imagine having two with serious stuff going on at the same time. I hope E and W get all of their stuff straightened out soon (meds straightened out, bone cysts (omg wtf) removed or dissolved or determined to be not a problem). Eek.
I’m wondering if some of this is a red light vs. cement wall situation? Can you *really* not ask to have an appointment time that doesn’t conflict with work? Because that would be the best case scenario – kids still attended to, boss happy. Calling off is the worst.
I so feel your pain. I have a child with special needs who seems to have so many medical appointments. These are really hard to manage and then add in managing all the IEP and school things that go with it. I cant imagine how you work and do all this as well. I have thought, often, of returning to work but find it harder and harder to manage.
1. With respect to scheduling appointments, I don’t think you are obligated to take the first time the doctor’s office gives you or even give a reason. “That doesn’t work for me, do you have anything else?” Is all you need to say. I don’t think the person on the other end is judging you if you can’t take the first time! And it doesn’t hurt to ask, maybe you will get a time that is better.
2. Isn’t your boss always calling you to fill shifts? I know you want to live up to your obligations and be a good employee, but it strikes me that part of the reason you got into this line of work is flexibility. Do what you can to not miss work, but if it happens, it happens.
I think one thing that may help greatly, if you haven’t done so already, is giving your employer a heads up of what is going on and why you may have to cancel on a shift with very short notice. I think this will make it so much easier and will alleviate the horrible tone received on the other end of the line. In my job if I know someone is dealing with challenging situations outside of work my attitude is completely different if/when they take unexpected time off or if they seem a little more distracted than usual. I know this is easier said than done, as I too have been guilty of trying to juggle all the balls when there is no humanly possible way to do so without dropping one (or many). I always look back on those times and kick myself for not just telling people what was going on and asking for help.
I completely understand why it makes sense for you to be the one to take off work rather than Paul, and likely would do the same if I were in your shoes. However I think this scenario of multiple kids facing health issues may qualify as a reason for exception. I wonder if you are the one holding yourself to the standard of not inconveniencing Paul at work, not him (rather than the implication above that he is just a jerky, no-good low-life, who doesn’t support this wife)? I’m sure you WANT to be the one taking the kids to these appointments given the circumstances but please be good to yourself and don’t feel like you have to bear the brunt of everything since you chose to work.
Since you are working by choice rather than out of financial necessity I can imagine your level of Working Mom Guilt is ridiculous. There’s no ‘well this is what I have to do to keep food on the table’ to ease your mind when things get hard and have an impact on those around you. You are holding yourself to such a high standard – one that may not be realistic as this sounds like it would be a stressful situation even if you were not working. If it helps, try to remember that most families in the US have two working partners so your prior experience of always having someone immediately available for these types of things is actually the exception in our society, not the rule. I promise I’m not saying that as a veiled ‘get over yourself’ comment, but a true strategy of framing the situation in a way that may ease your guilt or assumption that others are judging you when you can’t just drop everything because of your job. Whether it’s asking a spouse for extra help, for time off b/c you need to do something for your kids or telling a doctor’s office receptionist that an appointment time won’t work for you; that’s life, they get it. Usually. ;-)
Hang in there. Sending good thoughts to you and the whole family that everyone’s health gets back to normal soon.
Some very good advice has been given, and I don’t really have anything useful to add, but Jesus, those are two very stressful events to have happen on top of having three other kids, a house to run AND a job. So just in case you’re thinking that anyone reasonable would think you don’t have a hell of a lot on your plate right now, NO ONE WOULD. Hugs. Sympathy. Best wishes.
I’m so sorry to hear about the kids’ health problems.
Besides what the other commenters have suggested, it occurs to me that based on my impression of your work, employer, and demand for your skills, you could probably explain to your employer what is going on and say that you need to take e.g. a month away from work while you get the kids’ health issues sorted, and then you will be available to return. I suppose they might let you go, but it seems likely to me given what we know that, while they might not be thrilled about this, they will accept it. If the stress reduction such a break would offer you is more valuable to you than the money you are earning, it might be worth doing.
I have no words of wisdom on this, Swistle, but I’m sorry for all the stress. I hope you hear good news about the kids soon.