I feel like I’m getting some footing with my job. Not like, stable feet on a stable surface by any means, but if you imagine me before, hanging from the edge of a cliff by my fingers, feet dangling and flailing, and then one foot finds a small ledge that allows THAT foot to take some of the weight off my fingers, so that even though I can’t climb up, I’m not on the verge of falling to my death either, you will have a pretty good idea of my relief. I’m not confident enough to go out and buy more scrubs yet, but I’m also no longer thinking, “I’ll just finish this shift and then I never have to go back.”
After experiencing several more clients and seeing how it went with them versus how it went with the one I’m struggling with, one possibility is that I should not work anymore with the one I’m struggling with. I’m reluctant to give up, and even more reluctant to tell my employer I can’t handle something—but it’s beginning to remind me of when a nurse/tech can’t get the vein and the rule is that he/she MUST call another nurse/tech after X (one? two?) attempts. It stops being about “Me trying to overcome obstacles and SUCCEED!” and starts being much more about not treating the client as a classroom mannequin for my own improvement.
…When I say it that way, it sounds like I’m breaking up with someone “because they deserve better”; i.e., like self-serving bull. And certainly there would be an element of relief in giving up / ducking out: it WOULD serve the self. But the other aspect is also one to consider seriously, as it is with blood draws. I was on my way home from a shift with the client I’m having trouble with, clutching the steering wheel and trying not to cry, thinking, “I’ll just keep trying! I’ll get it someday!,” and my brain said back to me, “Not so sure this is entirely about Your Journey, cupcake.” Like when someone keeps dating someone they don’t really want to be in a relationship with, just because there’s no one better at the moment or because breaking up would be unpleasant.
Another interesting aspect is that good caregiver/client matches are not a straight line of caregivers Best to Worst, and a straight line of clients from Most Desirable to Least Desirable. The clients have hugely varying preferences in STYLE of caregiver: some like the matter-of-fact brusque ones, and some like the sweet lovey ones, and some prefer chatty caregivers and some prefer quiet ones, and a-lid-for-every-pot and so forth. SOME caregivers would be objectively worse than the rest, but MOST of the caregivers seem to fall into a similar range of quality, but with different styles/strengths.
And it’s the same with “better”/”worse” clients. Some caregivers prefer Alzheimer’s/dementia clients, while others prefer the clients who are all-there mentally but have physical limitations; and some caregivers like to be super busy the whole shift, while others prefer the shifts where you sit and read; and some caregivers prefer the companionship role, while others prefer the physical-care role. SOME clients would be objectively worse than the rest, but MOST of the clients seem to fall into a similar range of quality, but with different styles/issues. So while it feels bad or princessy to bail on a “difficult” client, another caregiver would find this client easy and preferable—and the client they’d want to bail on would be the one who wants to sit and chat for hours about her grandchildren, and I’d snap that one up like a Triscuit. It’s self-serving AND client-serving, is my hope, is what I’m saying.
Yes yes yes to the same quality/different strengths. This reminds me of explaining to shocked faces that if I couldn’t teach high school, I’d rather switch professions than be an elementary teacher. Those are two EXTREMELY different sets of “clients,” and it’s normal and common to feel drawn to one group and not the other. It’s only self-serving in that you are choosing a positive work environment over a stressful one. I think that makes it self-aware instead!
You’re doing great. I work rhythmically with rounds of heterogeneous groups (i.e. I’m a college instructor), and you are describing, in my experience, the correct thought process for maintaining our sanity: you reach the people you can, you please the people you can, and you forgive yourself for not reaching or pleasing everyone.
It’s worth it, in my opinion. Working feels great when you can have a “overall, I rocked” attitude. And feeling financially independent is priceless. Hang in there!
This makes so much sense to me; kudos for figuring it out, so that you don’t beat your head against the wall for not reaching that one client. Keep hanging in there!
Yes, absolutely makes sense. And you might also look at it from the employer’s perspective here, which is, “how can I keep someone I’ve trained and invested in happy so that she will remain my employee?”
I think that’s a good observation and absolutely true on both sides of the coin. My father is very ill and last week a pair of caregivers from a service my parents were considering came to the house. My mom reported that they were kind and friendly and seemed very competent and knowledgable. However, they were also SUPER chatty, bubbly and effusive. These are not personality traits my father has ever enjoyed or dealt particularly well with. The service was just not a good fit, even though I have no doubt that these ladies are good at their jobs and have plenty of clients who adore them.
I also think his inability to tolerate personalities that don’t quite mesh with his preferences is amplified by the fact that he is ill and just out of sorts. I imagine that might be true for some of your clients as well. There was a time when he might have made some effort to just get along, but I think that seems like more of a struggle now.
This absolutely makes sense to me. I’ve just recently begun volunteering for an organization and am noticing a very similar trend. Each individual is unique and finding a good match is important.
I am really enjoying this string of blogs, Swistle. Thanks for your transparency. It is inspiring!
First of all, I’m in absolute agreement with Jessemy – hearing about what goes on inside someone *else’s* head around work, and finding it to be rather similar to why my head sounds like, is terribly reassuring, comforting and inspiring.
I also agree with your take on things. Especially now that you’ve gotten a broader sample to compare her with, I think it’s totally reasonable to re-evaluate where you are with Struggling Client. And as someone who had to learn the lesson of ‘other people do not exist to be my learning curve’ more than once, I agree that ‘giving up’ can be the right choice for everyone, even though there’s undeniable relief in there for you, too.
Unsolicited piece of advice to read or ignore at will: when you talk to you supervisor about her, I’d suggest focusing on your desire to serve her well, and bringing up the ‘I’d like to switch off’ after your boss has had a change to respond. It can help set things up as a Helpful Problem Solving Talk rather than Asking for a Favor, and may make it easier to bring up things like you being a good fit for the chatty folks. I’m sure it’ll go fine however you approach it, but I know I tend to feel less anxious if I’m going into a collaboration-ey talk, rather than a bald request.
Congratulations on finding this ledge!
My mom has this job. And she had told me exactly what you are saying. The client makes all the difference. If you have clients you work well with, the job is enjoyable. The opposite is equally true.
I love your self talk and philosophies. It gives me large swells of affection for you. XO!
I work in childcare, and I have similar thoughts about my own job. I go back and forth between working with younger kids (age 6-7) and older kids (age 8-10), but I get assigned to the older groups more often because, as my boss put it, I know how to “be firm with them” when I need to. (Surprisingly, we tend to have more behavior issues with the older kids.) Whenever I’m with the older kids all day, I feel like I’m constantly having to discipline them, and as a result I don’t have as much time or energy to do the parts of my job that I love–teaching them how to do art projects, playing games with them, having conversations with them, etc. Plus I tend to take things personally, and if I always have to be the disciplinarian I worry that the kids won’t like me. When I end up with the younger kids, though, I adore my job. They generally need a lot more help with things, but that’s the part of my job that I LIKE! But I have co-workers who are the exact opposite–they find it more fun to be with the rowdier, more energetic kids (and don’t mind having to discipline them when necessary) but would rather die than teach a six-year-old how to tie his shoes. And the kids have preferences too. Some want the adults to sit with them during lunch and hold their hands and let the littlest ones sit on their laps, while others prefer us to just leave them alone and let them do their own thing.
As for the difficult client, I kind of see your point about wanting to be taken off her service. It seems like your boss is pretty understanding, so it would probably be okay to bring it up with him/her. As other commenters mentioned, though, I would suggest making it very clear that it’s because you think the PATIENT would be happier with a different caregiver. And maybe begin with, “I’ve been having some trouble with Mrs. X because [reason]; is there anything else I can do to make things easier for both her and me?” It’s possible that there could be more things you could try before giving up, and if there aren’t then at least your boss will know that you genuinely have the client’s best interest in mind.
I teach, and to me, 10 year olds are younger kids – some of my coworkers are all ‘they want to please you and do everything perfectly!’ but I dislike anything younger than 12 – I like to be more of an instructor/guide to their independent discovery and less coax-y. I find 10 and under unbearably needy, but some people love it. I spent one day in a class of 4 year olds, once, and decided that I couldn’t deal with more than three 4 year olds at a time.
Okay, this is completely O/T, but I keep looking for the birthday party update! How many activities did you plan? Did it go well? Inquiring minds would like to know! ;-)
Agreed! I’d like an update as well!
I’m on it!
My mom is a nurse who specializes in palliative care, usually working the night shift. She works for herself, but gets referrals through an agency.
I think she would agree with everything you’ve said in this post. She is super, super nice and comforting to her patients and goes out of her way to accommodate them, but there have been a small handful of people who she just rubbed the wrong way. It’s important to her to be liked, so it’s hard for her to deal with these clients, and her time working for them is usually very short and stressful for her. I would have thought it would faze her less over time, but no, it’s rare enough that she’s never gotten used to it and she gets unhappy every time. But at least she’s learned to give those jobs up pretty quickly.
OK so this is interesting about it not being a linear group of clients and caregivers whom everyone prefers or doesn’t prefer, because as I was reading the first half of this post I was thinking, OF COURSE they gave the tough client to the new girl, because nobody else wants her! It’s not that they ease you in with the easy clients! It’s that everyone else is looking for someone to take over the things they don’t want to do. And actually, while you do have a point, I still think there may be an element of that, especially considering that when you called with your concerns, the woman implied that she was familiar with how challenging this particular client is. But I still think it’s totally fine to speak up and say that you don’t think it’s a great fit! Maybe they were just hoping it would be, while realizing that the odds were low.
Yes, I think you’re right. I think there are two goals with staffing: (1) finding a good match of caregiver/client and (2) GETTING A WARM BODY TO FILL THIS SHIFT OMG ANYONE. And so I’m going to get a mix of hard-to-fill SHIFTS, and hard-to-fill CLIENTS.