Friend Birthday Parties

Back when Rob was maybe five years old, he wanted to have big friend parties like his classmates were having. Rashly, but it didn’t feel rash at the time, I said he could have a big friend party when he turned ten years old. It seemed so far away: five years was how long it had been since he was BORN, and that was FOREVER ago! And it seemed like saying it to only ONE child!

But there are five children now, and the problem with letting the first one do something is that the rest of them PAY ATTENTION. Rob had his ten-year birthday party at an arcade six years ago, and then William had his at a bouncy place four years ago, and then I just relaxed: no more big exhausting expensive parties for, like, EVER! And now suddenly the twins are turning ten next month. *closes eyes wearily*

The upside of one of those big parties was that we could have them at a location that was not our house. The bouncy place was a particular success on this front: we showed up, and they took care of EVERYTHING ELSE, corralling/supervising the children, keeping track of the presents, even serving the cake—but especially cleaning up after ALL of it.

But Elizabeth wants her party at home, and I didn’t have the foresight to say no to this option: I’d ASSUMED they’d all want to do a location party. So fine. Fine. I will figure this out. And I will use this experience to be a better party guest, just as I learned from being a party guest how to be a better host:

1. Include an email address as an RSVP option (I think I’ll add “and texting option” now that I have a phone that can text)

2. Mention on the invitation what time the party ENDS as well as what time it begins

3. Mention on the invitation what food the party will include, so people know whether or not to feed their kids first

4. Mention on the invitation the name of the birthday child

5. Mention on the invitation the basic sort of party to expect, for knowing-what-to-wear purposes

6. Make it clear on the invitation if the parents are expected to leave, expected to stay, or can do exactly as they’d prefer (I’d thought this would be a non-issue by age ten, but no, not around here anyway)

7. Be stationed right at the entrance; introduce self as birthday child’s parent immediately

8. Take a list of names and phone numbers of parents who are dropping off a child

9. No need to worry excessively: it will all be over in 2 hours and no one really cares how well it goes. Even the birthday child may be too hepped up on adrenaline to notice/care

33 thoughts on “Friend Birthday Parties

  1. Mary

    Child birthday parties are so not my thing. My son is going on 7 months and will be turning 1 before I know it. I so don’t want to deal with any sort of party for him. I know it’s the expected thing; people rent places for huge first birthday parties around here. But I’m not a good host. Just attending parties makes me anxious, I really don’t want to be in charge of one. So basically I’m not going to do it.

    Reply
    1. Sarah

      I didn’t have a first birthday party for either of my kids. We just had cake at home after a dinner I knew that the birthday boy would like. One year olds really have a hard time with big parties because they get overwhelmed so easily. BUT if you feel like you need to bow to the pressure for a party, one of my good friends had a come and go party for one hour at the park. She mentioned in her evite when they were going to be at the park (9-11) and when they were going to do cake (10) and then basically had coffee and bagels and let the kids kind of run or crawl or whatever. It was extremely low key (no presents no decorations no mess to clean up besides cake plates that most of the parents of kinds cleaned up themselves.)

      Reply
  2. Sarah

    I am the parent of two young kids (4 and 1) so I don’t know, but when is the time when parties are parents drop off kids instead of parents stay?

    Reply
    1. Swistle Post author

      In my area it seems very peer-pressure based: like, if a bunch of parents seem to be staying, a lot of others will also stay. It also seems to vary from party to party, with some being “ALL the parents leave” parties and others “ALL the parents stay” parties—even at age 10. I can’t figure it out!

      Reply
      1. Robin

        Yup totally peer pressure. With my older daughter, at the first 5 year old’s party she attended, another mom (whose 5-year old was her youngest child) walked in and said ‘See you in an hour and a half!’ and turned around and walked out. And I, whose 5-year old was my oldest, was like ‘Damn, I didn’t know that was a thing!’ And I went to Target next door all by myself. Which was possibly the most awesome thing I had done in the last 5 years. But now that my youngest is 5 and I was all looking forward to getting to the point when I didn’t have to stay at the parties, all the parents stick around so all year long I have had to. Sucks!

        Reply
  3. Elisabeth

    I remember when you mentioned some of these things on a post about party invitations several years ago, and so I have put all of the information (end time, what food there is, parents don’t need to stay, etc.) on our invitations religiously ever since. My kids are younger than yours, so I’m not sure if my hosting tips will help but at all, but here goes:

    1) Have an extra adult around. I’ve had my husband, my mom, or my sister. It’s nice to have the help if something goes wrong, and even if things are just normal, it’s nice to have someone to just look at and be like “I’m so glad this is not my everyday life.”

    2) Have some sort of activity for party guests to do while everyone is still arriving. You’ll probably have guests trickle in starting from 5 minutes early to 10 minutes late. We had kids decorate ninja masks while we were waiting this year. It’s nice because then the party can just start for each guest right when they show up without them going crazy waiting.

    Reply
  4. Tara

    Has anyone figured out a way to convince parents not to stay without being rude about it? I’ve tried saying that they are welcome to drop off the kids for the duration of the party, but no one ever does. It drives me nuts. Then all the parents are standing around, eating all the food even though I only planned/prepared enough for the actual invited children. And people who bring all the siblings! Goodness. I hate throwing birthday parties. Aside from straight out saying on the invitation “parents are not welcome to stay!” I’m not sure how one would get the point across.

    Reply
    1. Swistle Post author

      I’ve noticed some party hosts being extremely effective by actively assuming the parent will leave. Like, after the child arrives and runs off to join the party, they say something to the parent like, “Okay, would you write down your name and number on this sheet just in case we need to contact you during the party? Thanks! Okay, we’ll see you back here at 3:00!” It still allows for a parent to say something like, “Actually, I think I’d better stay because [reason],” but it makes the expectation really clear.

      Reply
    2. dayman

      this weekend, my 6yo went to a party at a pottery painting place. I feel like six is a really dicey age- in my own brain, that seems like it’s starting to be drop-off age, but maybe others dont’ feel that way, and I want to do whatever is expected and ANYWAY, the invitation said parents were welcome to drop their kids off, and that the studio had limited space so they needed to include themselves on the RSVP. I took that to mean they ddin’t want us to stay- and that was sort of confirmed for me when I dropped her off and there was clearly plenty of space.

      I guess I also personally think, if I am the host, and I expect parents to stay, that I am obligated to feed them too. Not everyone shares that opinion.

      Reply
      1. dayman

        I am replying to myself to ALSO say that when my oldest was in preschool and turned five, we invited the entire class to a Chuck E Cheese-type place near home, and I was a little shocked by the number of parents who dropped their kids off- parents I absolutely did not know, whose children did not know me because I work on the days they went to school. Those kids did fine, but that was not a choice I would have made. my SIL later googled proper etiquette on that for her son’s bday party and simply said on the invite “parents requested to stay”. I felt like that was direct and clear but polite, and then you know, if you can’t stay, you have to decline. She later said she wanted a way to signify that siblings were also welcome, which is ANOTHER problem when they’re this little (and maybe when they’re older, too?)

        Reply
  5. Rayne of Terror

    We recently had a birthday party where the birthday boy lives way out in the country so instead of having the kids dropped off at his house, his parents instead had us drop off/pick up the kids off at the elementary school and they ferried the boys around. That solved the parents sticking around thing.

    Reply
  6. Britni

    Hm. Can you put up a faux invitation? I’m kind if interested to see where/how you fit all this info on one invite card!

    Reply
  7. Gigi

    When mine was young, we always had big parties at the house. But then, we used to like to entertain. This was back before Pinterest, etc. I never planned activities – I just sent all the kids outside to play. Parents who were friends stayed, parents who weren’t generally left. It was all very casual.

    Reply
  8. Misty

    Annnnd the only thing I can do is sputter.

    The twins will be TEN?!?!

    Of course, the real version had a bunch more swearing. I just can’t believe it! Wow! TEN!!!

    Reply
  9. Bethtastic

    It’s not common in my kids’ classes for parents to stay. But in other classes, it’s common. Which is to say, it must not be a “area” thing, but a “class” thing? So weird.

    However we did, early on, receive an invitation that said, “The birthday girl has requested a ‘kids only’ party, we’ll be happy to give the parents a break to accommodate her wish – see you at 3:00 for pick up!” And I thought it was a very tasteful way to tell parents to go away. :)

    Reply
    1. Tracy

      Haha – that is seriously passive aggressive! The birthday girl requests a kids-only party – love it!

      Reply
  10. Velocibadgergirl

    We let our five-year-old have a friends party for his birthday this year because five felt like a big deal. I’m so glad we said going into it that we wouldn’t do another big classmate party until he turns ten because holy cats. The party went great but it was EXHAUSTING. So many people!

    Reply
  11. Joanne

    Maybe you could figure a way to make it a text RSVP and you could say something about ‘and then I’ll have your number in the UNLIKELY event that you are needed during the party!’. Or maybe something a little less artless. I have said something like “you are more than likely to stay but you can also feel free to escape to Target or Starbucks”. The highest I go with parties is 7, though, so I’m not sure about 10 year olds. It seems like so many of the parents left the 7 year olds, though, I think I assumed it wouldn’t be an issue as they get older. I think another adult is a good idea, and I’ve also tried to keep it SUPER simple food wise, like I say ‘Maria is turning SIX and would love to celebrate with her friends and some pizza and cupcakes”. I have them all write their names on their cups, and decorate them if they want to, and then do a simple sherbet punch. I am having one for my soon to be six year old in two short weeks, ugh boo.

    Reply
  12. Katie

    When I was a teen, I remember getting paid by a friend’s mom to help out with my friend’s younger sibling’s birthday party. Maybe Rob has a responsible friend who wouldn’t mind helping out for a few bucks/free cake? My job was to basically be an extra set of hands and help manage people (i.e. gathering kids into a group, handing out food, helping run activities, setting up, cleaning up…).

    Reply
  13. allstarme

    The mentioning food is always a big one for me because if it seems like the kind of party that’s “invite the whole family” and if the kids are young enough, then I like to know if my picky husband will be able to eat and if my younger kids will be good to go. Smart list!

    Reply
  14. Beth

    Big friend parties are the norm in our area, every kid, every birthday, no exceptions. Now that my daughter is 8, it seems that we have (at least) one bday to attend every other weekend. If I know the family, and it is in their home, I don’t mind dropping off, but in those cases it is also social for the parents (wine, pizza, etc) so I don’t mind staying. This past weekend, we had one party (there were two) at a big bouncy place, and it seemed kind of loosey-goosey unsupervised, so I stayed. We generally have the parties at home in the backyard with pizza and cake (although we’ve done chuck e cheese. disgusting). Last year I was fine with drop-offs (although there was wine and beer for the grownups if they wanted to stay) since we could easily keep an eye on everyone in the backyard. I like giving parents some incentive to stay, though. It’s nice to have extra adults (put out plenty of wine and beer, is what I’m saying here:))

    Reply
  15. Auntie G

    These all sound like great tips. My 3.5 year old went to a 4-yr old classmate’s bday party yesterday that was at a Gymboree — so, there is staff on hand supervising the whole thing, he knew almost everyone from school, etc. The last party this class had (different venue) was definitely a drop-off party. Yet somehow this was not a drop-off party ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS SOME COMPUTER WORK AT THE SBUX UP THE STREET…nope. And I was a big dumb jerk with unwashed hair and no makeup talking to no one in the corner, because I had been entertaining my kids all day just to get to this late afternoon party, where I would have a little peace. It was a perfectly lovely party. I just had NO SOCIAL GRACES LEFT for talking to anyone new. ALSO UNCLEAN. UGGGGGGHHHHH.

    So far, we have alternated big kid parties with small parties, starting when our kids actually went to preschool or school so that they HAD large-ish group of friends and they were also getting invited to parties so there was some sense of, we should reciprocate. We don’t feel tremendous pressure to attend all the parties my kids are invited to, which then makes it easier if every invitee can’t make ours either. I actually prefer the big party at some themed-place, because it’s not at my house, I don’t have to clean or cook anything, and I’m not the only person making sure everyone has a good time.

    Reply
  16. Kalendi

    Wow ten! So that means two separate parties? I never really got “big” parties. My birthday is close to Thanksgiving and a neighbor girl had a birthday 4 days after mine. Her mother was with it and picked the best date around that time. Then when I did get a big party, I actually hated it. I was shy and the other kids got more attention than I did. Problem solved, at least for my Mom! After that I did more intimate things for my birthday.

    Reply
    1. Swistle Post author

      Yes, two separate parties. I was kind of hoping they’d agree on one place, but no luck.

      Reply
  17. Shawna

    1) How many kids are considered a “big friend party”? The kid birthday parties around here seem to range from about 5-6 kids to inviting their whole class + members of sports teams they’re on. My daughter once was invited to a party that was joint for siblings and both of them had invited their entire classes. I think there were almost 40 kids there! We usually aim for about the kids’ ages, plus or minus a couple, if it’s a short event. If it’s a sleepover the numbers are generally smaller.
    2) Allergies are a big thing here so almost all invitations include allergy information/requests for allergy information. For example, “Pizza and cupcakes will be served. All food will be nut- and egg-free, but if your child has any other allergies or special dietary requirements please let us know.” This also gives parents a chance to let us know if their kid is vegetarian, etc.
    3) Getting and giving contact info is a great idea – my husband dropped off my daughter at a sleep-over party this weekend and didn’t get their number or give his. Then he overslept in the morning and was running late for picking her up and had no way to call them to say he was on his way. Whoops!

    Reply
    1. Swistle Post author

      What we’re doing is basing the number of friends on the location. If, for example, they want to go to one of those places where the price covers up to 20 kids, then they can invite up to 20 kids. If they instead want to do lunch out and a trip to the aquarium, then they can invite maybe 1 or 2 or 3 friends (depends on the friends they want to invite, since that affects how many I feel like I can keep an eye on). If they want a party at our house, they can invite as many as I feel like we can stuff into our dining room—so, maybe 10 friends.

      Reply
  18. Shawna

    Also, we just watched Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day and it culminates in this HUGE elaborate party for Alexander’s 12th birthday and I had to wonder, do these kinds of parties for kids exist outside of Hollywood? Because it was way, way above and beyond what I’d consider the norm here.

    Reply
  19. yasmara

    Very timely, we just had my son’s 10th bday party over the weekend. We used a different-than-our-normal -location of our gym franchise, which provided 2 full-time party coordinators who organized gym games, and there was a bounce house (extra $ but worth it). The kids (boys) played in the gym/bounce house for an hour, used the climbing wall for an hour (it was closed to the public at this time so it was basically private climbing), and the ate pizza (included) and cake (we provided) and opened presents (the party coordinators wrote down all the gifts & who they were from & gave us a list at the end).

    I used an evite for the invitations & had 1 person never respond, a couple of people whose emails I couldn’t find (I printed the evite & my son took it to school). One of those parents then sent me her email address & I added her to the evite, the other kid said he would give it to his parents, but was then a no-show.

    The kid who threw up in class on Friday did show up to the party on Sunday, though. (I am really, really hoping it wasn’t norovirus.)

    It all went really well, but I was ETERNALLY GRATEFUL it wasn’t at my house. 10 year old boys are this weird mix of little kids & teenagers. I’ve never seen the “tween” aspect of their nature as much as I did yesterday!

    Reply
  20. EG1972

    I’m sure you’ve thought of this, but including your own name on the invite is useful as well. My eldest (in kindergarten) received 2 or 3 invitations this year with the kids name and a number to RSVP, but no parent name, which I felt a little frustrated with.

    And in our small town, people seem often drop off and leave their 5 year olds at parties. We’re doing that with good friends but feel like we need to stay when we don’t even know the names of the hosts. Plus our son is shy and likes having us there.

    Reply

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