I’ve nearly forgotten what I was going to say/ask about the impending visit from Paul’s aunt/uncle. Fortunately, I ended that post with breadcrumbs: “With this post I’d intended to discuss the practical aspects of hosting/guesting: meals, activities, expectations, etc.”
The first difficult thing is that they have planned a 3-day visit in our area (as part of a longer road trip), and they are staying in a hotel 30 minutes from our house, and they haven’t made clear what percentage of the visit they intend to spend socializing with us. This visit could be anything from “We’re staying in a hotel for comfort/non-intrusiveness, but we will be at your house from breakfast until bedtime each day” (this was my mother-in-law’s style) to “We’ll be in the area as part of a larger trip, and would love to get together for coffee with you while we’re here.” I suspect it is somewhere in between—in fact, if I had to guess, I’d guess right in the middle: getting together for a good part of each day to do excursions and talk, perhaps sharing 1-2 meals each day. That’s my GUESS.
Thinking about this, I realized how much expectations enter into these things. There are visitors who expect the heads of household to give up their bed to the visitors, because visitors are supposed to get the best room/bed in the house; there are visitors who expect no such thing and would be horrified if it were offered. There are visitors who expect to have a fun and interesting schedule planned out for them, and there are visitors who expect to do their own planning and would be agitated if presented with pre-made plans. There are visitors who make lists of dietary requirements, and there are visitors who make their own eating arrangements.
Goodness! So much potential for ruffled feathers! Such things get SO much easier with repeated visits: by the time my mother-in-law died, I felt like I knew what she expected from a visit to us, and also which of those expectations I was willing to meet. It wasn’t fun, but it was familiar. With Paul’s aunt and uncle, I suspect this will be a one-time thing—but even if they end up making it a regular thing, THIS is still the FIRST one.
I think what I’m interested in discussing is, what would be YOUR expectations going into this, knowing what you know: i.e., that we don’t know them well, that they are in their 70s, that there are some potential resentments, that they are religious and from the midwest? What would you GUESS they would expect/want? What might you make sure you were prepared for? What might you specifically offer?
Some things, I might want to head off before they are issues. I loved Judith’s suggestion in the comments on the backstory post: she suggested saying, “Would you like me to find out the times of the services of churches around here so you can decide which one works best for you? We’re not part of a congregation here, but I hear the people at xyz church are very welcoming.” I might want to use this whole concept of laying out what we’re OFFERING.
In some cases, though, I’m not sure what I’m offering. Am I offering an open invitation for any meals they’d like to have with us? Possibly! Or possibly that would be quite stressful, especially since I don’t know their dietary situation. Am I offering to take them around and show them places? Welllll…it’s not that I’m not willing, it’s more that I don’t really…go places? or do things? So I’m not actually sure where I’d take them or what we’d do. I ordered a tourist manual from my own state, to help me out.
The other thing is that if they’re planning to take it easy and spend most of their time relaxing at their hotel and/or going out on nice drives or something, I don’t want to make THEM feel that MY expectations are for them to spend more time with us. Meanwhile, they may be sitting at their house thinking, “We don’t want to make them feel like they have to spend the whole three days with us…”/”We don’t want to make them feel like we came all that way and then ignored them.” Well. These things are a little tricky. It does help me to think that such things are probably ALWAYS tricky the first time, for EVERYONE: it’s not that I personally can’t read the minds of my guests while everyone else is having no trouble with it.
Also, it helps to know that I WILL get better at this with time and experience. The only guest we’ve had is my mother-in-law—but as we get used to entertaining a variety of guests (if we do indeed get used to that), we will start having Our Things: the recipe that stretches so well and makes good leftovers for the next day’s lunch; that nice walking trail; that fun little town with cute shopping; that great place for souvenirs; that beautiful drive with the great lunch place at the midpoint; etc.
One thing that did NOT help was the sudden horrified realization that even though they’re not staying with us, they will want to see our house. The INSIDE of our house. I wonder, if I cleaned every day for the next month until their arrival…
Couldn’t you just say that you’ve cleared your schedules and are looking forward to their arrival, but you need to know what things they would be interested in seeing?
How about a nice family dinner at your house the first day from say 2-7 where they can get to know all your news and watch your kids play, maybe your kids can do a cute little sound of music show for them (kidding) and big spaghetti feast with green beans, garlic bread. Or something traditional like chicken and potatoes. Then the next day, meet them for breakfast at your fav diner to kick of a day (one day) of sight seeing, shopping, etc. Lunch out. Maybe get a sitter for the kids for a half day if it will be too much for them. And the last day, host a farewell brunch at your house. Mini quiches, store bought scones, and suggest a beautiful church in the area (for them) ad offer to hae hem over after services to day goodbye. That leaves the first morning free for them to get he bearings at the hotel. The second evening for them to explore a dinner place on their own or get room service, and te last day just touching base and sayin goodbye.
Just clean the downstairs and have the kids pick up their rooms.
Good luck!
I would ask what their plans are while they’re in town, which might give insight into how much of the trip they wanted to spend with you, and if not you can ask more questions?
No one comes to visit us. :)
I know people are going to say JUST ASK THEM, but I know personally I would be mortified to ask them because I would think they would expect me to KNOW how to entertain. I have no idea how to entertain. When my sister comes, she sleeps in my bed with me, her kids sleep on the floor in my daughters’ room and my husband sleeps on the couch. We stay in and watch movies and talk and order take out. I would not expect that from anyone else and I would not expect anyone else to like that. It’s so personal.
So what I think I (would like to pretend I) would do is call up and “ask” by telling. Say something like OK – you are going to be in the area Friday night, but you’ll be tired from travelling so you just go ahead to the hotel and get some rest. If they object, let them.
For Saturday say – The kids tend to sleep in on weekends during school, so lets shoot for lunch. Do you want to do lunch here or out? Or would you prefer dinner?
It’s secret asking. It makes it sound like you know what you are doing but are willing to change to accommodate them. When you actually have no idea.
I feel like somewhat of an expert on this since I have for YEARS hosted out of town family and friends- cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles, former college roommate of my husband’s whose ROCK BAND camped on the floor of my basement for a weekend….
On food: Many times I have knocked myself over to provide all manner of foods/dinners/lunches for the guests, mainly becuase it’s tough for us financially to eat out over and over again during a visit. SO many times I’ve had my feelings hurt because the guests don’t want that, change their plans, really want to try xyz restaurant, etc. So my advice is to have something preprepared in the freezer (aka lasagna) that can be taken out and placed in the oven, or not, you guys decide! I’m a fun and flexible host! Ha ha ho ho. Premade mashed potatoes (pioneer woman’s recipe, of course) are great for this, and if we don’t eat it, hey, I’ve got dinner done for next week!
One time I had made pork tenderloin and used the leftovers to make barbeque sandwiches, which I love, and my brother in law just said no, he doesn’t like bbq sandwiches, he wants to go to the store and get steaks. I was mad, but mainly my thought was that I had done this to be ecomonical and I would have loved to do steaks, but $$$$. Then I figured since he was buying, I’d save my sammies for when he went home.
On the flip side, when I am the guest in my MIL’s home, she makes such a big production of having “our favorites” for Sunday dinner, and then she spends a great percentage of our visit cooking and/or cleaning up for that meal, which is hard because her health is not always good, and I just want her to visit with the kids, and we can order pizza, but she just won’t.
I guess my advice is just to be prepared, but flexible, and really try to learn what their expectations are, and meet them if they are within reasonable boundaries. I usually try to say, “here are the interesting things that are available, what do you want to do?” and then do it. I try to think that they have gone to great trouble and expense to get here, and I can give up a few things for a short time. It has always been a pet peeve of mine when we travel 1000 miles to see family, and they don’t make time for us or insist on going to eat someplace that I hate (EVERY TIME). So my refrain for the entire visit is a bitter, “WE JUST DROVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY, I WANT TO PICK THE RESTAURANT.” Which is fun for no one.
I have no advice, but I wanted to share the related content link I got under this post:
“Having No Expectations: The Secret to Freedom and Happiness,” with a picture of the Buddha.
Can you strive for Buddha-like midst? Me neither.
Ha ha! Related content indeed!
That should have been “mindset” up there, not midst. Stupid autocorrect.
As usual, I have nothing helpful to offer, but I do kind of cringe when people come to the city I have lived in for 12 years and ask for advice, because I also don’t really…do things? or go places?
I LOVE the suggestions of pre-made foods that you can either serve or save for your own dinners if the plans change. Genius. I would also present a few sites/fun things to do with a “here are some things around here, let me know if you’re interested in any of them!” trying for an “I’m breezy! All or some or none! Whatever you all want to do works for me!” (I’m not breezy but they don’t need to know that)
And just try not to offer anything that you will actually resent doing. I have a bad habit of OVER offering in an attempt to be a great hostess but it’s really not necessary and can just leave me feeling bitter.
Good luck!!
Yes to every word you wrote. I’m a “Cereal is in the cupboard” style of guest and host, my mil expects to be entertained and is gluten free and always gives us her room when we visit there. It’s really stressful for me to be on either end of visiting with her. My own folks, however, do things like I do, plus they treat us to going out if that comes up, and it’s so easy and fun.
I got nothing for you. Sorry.
Could you tease out her expectations along the lines of “we’re so excited to see you but want to make sure you have time to explore on your own. We can make some sightseeing recommendations, but did you have something specific you wanted to see/do?” And then you can go from there, based on what *you* want: “oh, that museum is fantastic. We’ve been there many times recently, but maybe you could go Sat. morning when it’s the least crowded, and then we could meet up after for lunch.” Or for meals you can say “I know road-tripping means a lot of eating in restaurants. Is there something regional delicacy you’re wanting to try, or are you more in the mood for a home cooked meal? XYZ place makes a fantastic [regional specialty] – we could make you a reservation for X Day, and maybe have you over for dinner the following night?” Ideally you could think of your preferences first, and then make suggestions going from there, kind of along the lines of coping with a young child: do you want to go to bed at 7:45 or 8:00?
Ooh a lasagna in the freezer is a brilliant idea. Also I know your feelings on raw chicken; you can totally stick frozen chicken in the crockpot with cut up potatoes, frozen carrots and cream of mushroom soup and it makes a delicious stew. My baby ate it even. You could be prepared for something like that with only potatoes which you probably have anyway. We ate it with crackers but you could probably make rolls or something.
I’m zero help otherwise, nobody ever comes to my house.
I’m thinking back to when my parents had older relatives visit or when my family visited older relatives. It seems to me a that a regular activity was a driving tour of the town. As a child they were SO SO SO boring but someone (either my parents or the other relatives) must have enjoyed it. I’m talking a tour like, “Oh this is where we lived when we first moved to town, this is the kids’ elementary school, here’s the town park, this is our quaint downtown….” maybe ending up at a local ice cream shop. Perhaps this is something Paul can take them on? It can kill up to an hour or more and the tour is really the conversation. Something like that could also help sleuth out some other answers you need — “oh we understand that this is a wonderfully welcoming church community…do you need a recommendation for a place to attend service on Sunday?” Or, “this is our cutest restaurant but you need to make reservations at least a day ahead…are you planning on a special night out or would you like to come over for a humble family dinner?” Good luck!!
I had four sets of house guests this summer and they ranged from let’s hang out together all day to we just want coffee in the morning and a place to crash after doing tourist stuff. Flexible and prepared is the way to go. I had food on hand I could prepare at a moments notice but didn’t have to. I also had extra beverages and snacks available. I would ask ahead of time if they had planned their trip or if they were playing it by ear. If they had plans, what they were. Since your visitors are older people your kids energy might by too much for them for more than a few hours at a time. Also, they’ll most likely eat early and go to bed (back to their hotel early).
Swistle:
I’ve found in every hosting experience I’ve ever encountered the people, especially those I don’t know well, do not want to be a bother to the host.
Don’t knock yourself out, try to be helpful, and don’t lose any sleep over this. I am sure they’ll be nicer/sweeter/ and better in all ways than your expecting. Life’s too short girl and no one is perfect.
DB
How do you communicate with this couple? Maybe try to get them on the phone, or initiate a series of short email exchanges so you can suss things out as you go. Start with something simple like:
Hi Aunt and Uncle so-and-so,
I’m just trying to do some planning for your visit and was wondering if you have something specific you wanted to see or do while in town. As well, do you have any specific dietary needs or preferences? I want to make sure to have something you’ll like on hand. Looking forward to seeing you soon!
Swistle
Keeping it short can leave them some room to let you know their expectations for the visit.
I don’t know if this helps or not, but…
In our family we have a rule that the spouse to whom the extended family is biologically related is responsible for “hard” communications. Usually that means when we need to tell them they can’t do something they want to do with the kids, but I think it would also apply here.
I would tell Paul to call them. He can even say something like “Swistle is stressing out about wanting to make sure your visit is exactly what you want it to be — she’s so caring about others! Can you help me make this easier for her, though, by letting me know what you would like? Mom used to (xyz); do you want to do that, or would you rather have more time on your own, away from the the craziness of the kids?” That way he gets to sound like an awesome great guy who loves his wife who is also awesome, but not a mind-reader of people she doesn’t know.
I feel like I’ve run a bed and breakfast for the last two years, especially since my LO was born. Having a couple of things in the freezer takes some pressure off. Lasagna is great. So are chicken pot pies. I also have a bag of cookie dough ready to pop into the oven. Eeks this makes me seem like a Betty Crocker! I’m not. But I HATE missing out on socializing. I find quiche is good to have in the fridge. If visitors show up at an odd time (read: Holy hell, you’re at my house already!?), it’s good to have because really you can eat quiche whenever.
I love these ideas, especially having Paul deal with it. :)
You’re absolutely not alone in this, and I’ve (somewhat) embraced the fact that I’m just going to be a bit awkward around this stuff, and that I’m going to ask for some guidance ahead of time. I’m fond of the phrase “what sorts of plans do you have for your visit?” – if they’re lazy travelers like me, they can easily say that they don’t have any, and I’ll know that they’re OK with being flexible (and I’m then more comfortable saying no if I want to opt out of something). And if there *are* plans, we can take it from there.
Email is also great since it allows for a bit of time to reflect, and to make sure that I don’t overpromise in an attempt to make things more pleasant. I love the “would you like to do A or B” approach for just this reason – limiting things without being negative.
If it were me, I’d expect them to want to go to services on Sunday (I like the idea of offering to check on times for them), and I’d expect them to want to come over for dinner each night unless they say otherwise, plus likely Sunday lunch and some afternoon times. My family are drinkers, though, so cocktails from 5 onwards were pretty standard whenever we were visiting family. I’d figure that if they wanted to do touristy things, they’d be doing them on their own or initiating invitations ahead of time.
I come from the religious midwest, and a phenomenon that could potentially pop up is the long Sunday afternoon lunch/coffee/teatime. Like, you’ve been to church, and come back to a meal including meat, then you sit around and drink coffee while the kids run around the yard. Sometimes it goes into a suppertime meal (note use of ‘supper’ for ‘dinner’ in the Midwest) :) Ha!
If they are religious and know you aren’t, they may just do their own thing in the morning. But the Sunday afternoon infinite visit…ack. Actually, I might be too harsh. If the visitors were interesting, or good at conversation, I found those days interesting. We would chat about spiritual stuff, political stuff, tell stories from the places we lived, talk about our childhoods. But if the company was boring, it was endless. So perhaps have some activities ready to go to break up the loooooong afternoon: a walk, a video, homework time, whatever.
Good luck! I feel your pain!!!
You never really said *why* they’re coming to visit your area. Just to see you? Or is there something specifically touristy they’ve always wanted to see?
We have guests all the time, and I think the best thing to do is plan on dinner (something generally liked, spaghetti, lasagna, roast chicken and vegetables) for the first night and then go from there. Have a basic plan in mind for dinner the second night, but they may be the type who say “what do you say we grill out tomorrow? we’ll just run to the butcher we saw in town” and then you can just do that. You can always make banana bread or something similar and keep it in the freezer and then at dinner when they say “see you around 8 tomorrow!” you can just pull it out and cut up some fruit like you had this all planned out ahead of time.
Definitely figure out who communicates with them and get a “hey, just checking in, looking forward to your visit! anything dietary we should know/stuff you definitely want to see while you’re here?” and then go from there. If they are in their 70s and not that active I highly doubt they will spend day after day touristing and running from activity to activity. My midwestern family members usually like to play cards and watch whatever game is playing at the time.
As far as your house, in my experience guests never actually go upstairs to where the bedrooms are (unless they are staying, which your guests are not) so I would just say get your main floor or wherever you spend your time/have your TV clean enough for company and you’ll be fine.
I haven’t read all the comments, so forgive if I’m repeating anything. I have this happen a lot with my location and my relatives. They seem to breeze through on the way to places and want to stay here/stopover a for a while, etc. It is confusing. I spend days/weeks cleaning and scrubbing and agonizing over my house. And then I spend many dollars on food for every meal, etc. It is crazy. One group of relatives stayed so long I just eventually quit shopping and cooking and then they left!
Anyway, I’m off topic here. So, I would suggest (if you don’t want to call ahead and find stuff out–which I definitely HATE doing…mild phone aversion. Also, they may not know yet, etc. I hate asking ahead.) that you just plan out your family meals for those days that could easily include them. Casserole with salad, pulled pork in crockpot, spaghetti and garlic bread, trays of brownies, some selection of cookies, toast, eggs, some form of breakfast meats, fruit, bread, lunch meat, chips, apples…..and just tell them. “Tonight we are having XYZ for dinner and you’re more than welcome to join us!”
We have stayed at a relative’s house before and she made it INCREDIBLY relaxing and easy to be there. She just kinda told us when we arrived what their plans were. “Nick has soccer tomorrow and Toby has music so we will be running around from x to y time. You are absolutely more than welcome to come with us, or if you’d rather skip our crazy chaos and just stay back and relax that is fine. We will be home for dinner around this time and I’m making spaghetti, we have tons, we would love to have you! Or if you need help with your plans/ideas we can help you figure out what you would like to do around here!” She also said “The rule of my house is I make you the first drink and you help yourself from there on out! There are soft drinks in the fridge and tea is here and coffee is here, etc” It made it feel okay to just help myself to a coke or something without being awkward. And they just kinda left it at that. It was so nice. I felt included and yet also felt they wouldn’t mind if we did something else without them. Good luck! Let us know how it all goes!
I love the articulation of ““The rule of my house is I make you the first drink and you help yourself from there on out!”. My sister-in-law of 11 years still asks me if she can get a drink of water from our tap every time they’re at my house and she or one of her 3 kids is thirsty. I always say of course and I don’t expect/want her to ask because I hope she’s comfortable enough to just help herself, but of course she ends up asking again the next time. Gah! And it always makes me wonder if she thinks I’m rude when my family is staying with her and I don’t ask before getting a cup out and pouring something for my kids… but for heavens’ sake it’s been 11 years and we host each other several times a year!
Oh yes. Also my relatives from the midwest in their 70s (I have very, very many) are usually one of two types:
1. Some are pretty happy to just sit and visit. They drink a lot of coffee and like cookies or cheese an crackers and like to see the kids and watch TV or sit on the porch and chat or listen to music. Or—they love jigsaw puzzles. Just get a big one and have it out on the dining room table and have NPR playing in the background and a pot of coffee brewed and they are happy all day. Its easy to chat, gives people something to do during socially awkward moments, etc.
2. Others are into museums and learning and are fairly independent. Get their own car and go off and see stuff. They also drink lots of coffee. They like going for walks and checking out the local area and reading. These ones also like good food and drink wine (I’m writing about my parents here). I hope it all goes smoothly for you!
I’m having relative-envy from your post. They sound like my kind of people.
I recently just had a similar situation. I live in a city that is a very popular tourist destination, and a couple of my relatives told me they were planning a trip there. Here is the information they gave me: they had a general idea of the trip dates but they might leave a day or two early, and they may or may not be staying with me for the whole trip. Ack! I knew I’d be able to make time for them, and I really was looking forward to seeing them, but I had no idea what they were expecting as far as my participation in their trip. Like you said, it could have been anywhere from “We have a lot of people to see and things to do, but we’d love to get lunch one day!” to “We want you to spend every waking minute with us during this trip.” Plus, I had no idea what they wanted to do while they were here. Did they want to do all the tourist-y things and really spend time exploring the city, or did they just want to hang out at my house all day? Did they have a list of things they wanted to do, or would it be up to me to come up with ideas?
What worked for me was to simply tell them what my schedule looked like during the time they’d be visiting, and ask them if there was anything specific they wanted to do. This worked perfectly: they didn’t have any unrealistic expectations about how much time I’d be able to spend with them, they could plan their schedule accordingly, and I was able to determine whether or not I had to come up with a list of activities for them.
I usually initate a converstation on their expectations via email or phone and try to be helpful, however if they don’t give me much to go on then I call someone they may have recently visited to see how it went. Otherwise my poor visitors are on their own because I cant sweat it if they are not willing to communicate.
Good luck.
I’m glad you found my comment helpful! And now that I’ve been mentioned in a Swistle-post I feel oddly honoured :)
About their expectations of the visit, maybe you can also ask in a roundabout way: »do you have things you especially want to see around here, or is would you like us to organize some interesting things to do? And do you prefer to be out and about the whole day, or do you prefer shorter trips where you can have a rest in between, at your hotel or our place?« Their reaction will probably hint about what their expectation in general is. Surprised about suggestion of break? They’re not planning on spending too much time at the hotel at least (if that means your place or out and about is still open, though). But I suspect their answer wouldn’t be monosyllabic, so you’d get more of an idea in any case.
I think that they are visiting as part of a bigger trip and have booked a half-hour away already hints at that they aren’t the kind of helpless people that don’t plan anything, but then, family-dynamics are weird, and they might have different expectations from the visit than during other points of their trip.
About the cleaning the-house-thing: do get stuff in order beforehand, but don’t beat yourself up about having everything spotless. Not with so many people around, you’d want to kill anyone that dares to even drop a towel during the last week. I would actually recommend booking a cleaning-service for the day before or two days before they arrive (or whatever time works best for you, but still has the least amount of people running around, but won’t be so long before that things can get messy again). Professional cleaners get so much done in a short timeframe, and you won’t feel completely exhausted and frazzled when the visit is only beginning.