Making a Will

Here is what I would like to know, now that I have left the message on the lawyer’s answering machine after 16 years of meaning to get around to doing that:

Is it HARD and SCARY and DIFFICULT to make a will, or is it the kind of thing I will not be able to believe I didn’t do sooner?

Is it piles and piles of paperwork and decisions, or is it fill in these blanks here, initial here, sign here, pay here?

Is it UNBELIEVABLY EXPENSIVE?

Does it take a long time and/or multiple appointments, or is it quick?

Do we have to find witnesses? I don’t know who to ask. I mean, I know people, but. It seems weird.

Will there be Surprise Unexpected Questions and Decisions, such as “Do you want us to store a copy of your will for you? It’s $40/year.” Or anything where Consumer Reports would be all “Don’t pay for these unnecessary services”?

MUST we do the part about life support and so on, or can we just take care of who gets the money and/or children?

(We do have a will made with will-making software, lest you wonder if we have really been flying without one all these years. But this is my first time seeing a lawyer about ANYTHING. I am NERVOUS and UNHAPPY.)

59 thoughts on “Making a Will

  1. Rayne of Terror

    There can be a lot of decisions. It can be expensive. It should take 2 appointments. It may take some emails back and forth to nail down details between the appointments. The secretaries of the attorney will be witnesses. Take your will with you, put it in a safe deposit box at the bank. The POAs are separate documents and you don’t have to do them at the same time, but you may get a discount for doing it all at the same time.

    Reply
  2. jkinda

    Is it HARD and SCARY and DIFFICULT to make a will, or is it the kind of thing I will not be able to believe I didn’t do sooner? EASY if you use an attorney. And you will not believe you didn’t do it sooner. you will also convince everyone you know to do it too.

    Is it piles and piles of paperwork and decisions, or is it fill in these blanks here, initial here, sign here, pay here? Fill in blanks, here’s what we recommend, blah blah. You will need to choose who your children go to if you pass. that is the most difficult one. BUT, not a reason NOT to have a will.

    Is it UNBELIEVABLY EXPENSIVE?
    Probably about $1200 with a great attorney (recommended). PS. i am an attorney, but not one who drafts wills.

    Does it take a long time and/or multiple appointments, or is it quick? Usually 1 quick Meet and Greet and “here’s what we want” and one quick “Come on in for a signature”

    Do we have to find witnesses? I don’t know who to ask. I mean, I know people, but. It seems weird.
    The law firm will provide a witness for you.

    Will there be Surprise Unexpected Questions and Decisions, such as “Do you want us to store a copy of your will for you? It’s $40/year.” Or anything where Consumer Reports would be all “Don’t pay for these unnecessary services”?
    Probably not. although it is recommended to let them store it for you. A great firm will not make you pay for this separately. It is part of their service.

    MUST we do the part about life support and so on, or can we just take care of who gets the money and/or children?
    you do not NEED to do the life support section now but i highly recommend it. Just imagine the pressure you put on your spouse if you are in an accident and they do not know how you want this handled. or they KNOW, but your family doesn’t believe him when he tells them (even worse).

    I hope your experience was as good as ours. TOTALLY worth it! and for those of you who want to have more kids: make sure you ask them to include a clause “for all future children” so you don’t have to revise everytime you birth a baby.

    Reply
    1. Lynn

      We’re in Canada, so I’m not sure if the rules are the same, but we were told that the person we named in our will as “the one who gets the kids” is merely a suggestion to the court. I mean, our “suggestion” comes with a lot of weight behind it, but if we were both dead, anyone would be able to put forward a claim on the kids, and the courts would look at all claimants and decide which one was best. As well, the person we named was free to say no. So I suppose if you and your husband name separate people – they would both, if interested, make a claim and then the courts would decide.

      Reply
    2. Kate

      A court would decide. Actually, a will just says who you would like to be your kids’ guardian in the event both of you die. A court still has to approve it (w/ a strong presumption in favor of the person you’ve named).

      Reply
  3. Wendy

    It is not that difficult, but slightly traumatic to have to rattle off all the information at one time. One surprise for us–our computer generated will only required one person per duty (exectutor, guardian, etc) but when we did wills with a lawyer, it required a backup for each duty. So you might have that ready to go.

    They should keep a copy, and a copy should go to your exectutor as well.

    Our lawyer did a package deal with all the power of attorney, end of life stuff. For me, it was good to just get it all over with at one time.

    Reply
  4. Kathi A.

    I am a lawyer who does exactly this kind of work. We try to make it as easy and painless as possible on our clients. We have them come in for a free initial consultation where we talk about all the issues, then follow-up emails/phone calls if necessary, then they come back for a quick signing. We provide the notaries/witnesses in our office. We do not keep clients’ original documents because that would be a crazy amount of storage and kind of a logistical nightmare (what if there was a fire in our office?!). I imagine that if you use an attorney who keeps clients’ original documents that they wouldn’t charge for that. The decisions about life support are made in separate document (called an advance medical directive in my state). You also may want to consider doing a power of attorney, which gives someone else the legal authority to act for you if you become incapacitated.

    This process is expensive compared to using a computer software system but you get the benefit of having someone else be in charge of this process and keep on top of things for you, even long-term (if laws change we contact our clients). We also make sure you think of all the what-ifs–for example, what happens to your money if everyone in your family goes at one time? Morbid and not likely to happen, but making that choice and putting it in the will or trust is better than letting everything go to one of your third cousins.

    Reply
    1. Katie

      I used to be a paralegal and I just wanted to add that the lawyers who do keep originals usually have a fire proof safe.

      Reply
  5. Amelia

    The questions aren’t too scary or hard, but every time we revisit our will (to add a kid), I choke up when I think about executors and guardianship of my babies.

    That said, the life support thing is probably a different document – you might be thinking about a “living will” with a medical directive and power of attorney in case you are unable to make decisions on your own. Since you’ll be at the lawyer’s anyway, do this too. I have done one every time I’ve had a child, just in case… just in case of something, I guess.

    I think we paid about $450, but they can be as expensive as $1500. It depends on the lawyer and the complexity of the will. I mean, do you have ASSETS? We have “assets” that are so low-value it’s laughable, and they just became a sentimental addition to the will. Sentimental in that I cried because I don’t have daughters, and will my sons even *want* my jewelry? But since our house isn’t paid off and our cars are mom and dad cars and our stuff just isn’t worth much, we’re thinking we leave this until later.

    You absolutely should, however, check into who is listed as the beneficiary to any retirement accounts you might have. One of my dad’s good friends died and he never changed his beneficiary from his ex-wife to his next-wife and the ex got all the money in the retirement account. Same with old life insurance. Are you in a common property state? Some of these things are easier because of that.

    Reply
  6. Lawyerish

    I think a calming thing to remember about trusts and estates lawyers is that they walk people through this process ALL THE TIME. It is a VERY specialized area of law. One that non-T&E lawyers study one time for the bar exam and then forget as soon as possible. It is a very complex area of law, but these people are trained to make the process of will-making as smooth and simple as it can be for everyone else.

    When we made our wills, it took one or two in-person sessions of a lot of questions. There were decisions we had to make and we could email or call the lawyer later if we could not decide right then. They may also be able to provide you with questions ahead of time so you can feel more prepared. They will not think a thing of it if you have to talk some things over or can’t decide right away.

    I think it’s typical to do a living will at the same time and again they will make that as non-macabre as it can be. At least, assuming they are reasonably sensitive and good at what they do.

    I have no gauge for what is considered expensive or not but if what you want is fairly simple without setting up a whole bunch of complicated trusts, then it should be on the less expensive end of the range. They should also be very up front about their fee.

    Our lawyer stores originals at their office and I think that is standard but I’m not certain. It may vary by state. I don’t think we pay extra for that or if some people hold into everything. We have copies in a fire box I think. We have also had to make changes and it’s annoying but not awful.

    Lawyers usually have people at their office who can act as witnesses such as secretaries or paralegals. I don’t think you should have to bring your own.

    Guardianship of the children is what I would consider the biggest/hardest decision of the process. But maybe you’ve already established that so it should be easy. Insurance trusts and choosing trustees is another thing and I don’t even understand how any of our stuff is setup but I know the lawyer does.

    Reply
  7. Rayne of Terror

    Also, attorneys are cognizant that you are spending a lot on the documents and I do what I can to make it a document that will last a long, long time for your money. That means second and third back-up executors and/or guardians, and a lot of “what happens if” questions, especially if you are creating a contingent trust for minor children.

    Reply
  8. elembee123

    Our experience was similar to those already mentioned so I won’t duplicate, but I will say that until we went through a long (OMG 4 years!) drawn-out horrible, awful, stressful experience when an immediate relative died unexpectedly without any kind of will (and whose horrid adult children ended up with the bulk of his estate after probate, instead of his grandchildren per his verbal wishes which didn’t stand a chance in court), we IMMEDIATELY got our acts together and got our wills, POAs, etc done to save anyone else from ever having to go through that when we died.
    Yep, it was hard to do (thinking about that kind of stuff is not fun) but the relief we feel that our wishes will be carried out, that our kids will be okay, and that we won’t be putting anyone else through Probate Hell made it much so much easier to get things handled!
    Highly recommend an attorney that specializes in this field. Expensive, but worth it! (I am not an attorney, nor do I play one on TV.) :)
    Good luck!

    Reply
  9. Slim

    IIRC, you aren’t supposed to put your will in your safe deposit box because the box can’t be opened until some point in the settlement of the estate. In some states, you can file a copy of your will at the courthouse. You’d need to tell people it’s there, but it gives people a place to look if you and your executor are carried off by pterodactyls or something.

    Reply
    1. Rayne of Terror

      I live in tornado country (Illinois), so we tell our clients if the will is at the bank and it gets swept away, you can make a new one. Or if you & your house get swept away, then the will is safe at the bank. Tell your executor what bank you have your safe deposit box at and give them some idea of where you keep the key. Taped under a drawer, in your purse, etc. There’s no need to have the will available at the instant of death because your funeral plans should not be in your will. If you don’t get the will out of the safe deposit box for a couple weeks, it’s no big deal. After the person dies, the banker opens the box with the person who has the key (hopefully executor) and inventories what is inside, original will get filed at the courthouse.

      Reply
  10. jen

    Oh goodness I am glad you posted about this because I need to get ours done before we leave for vacation at the end of May. I really have been putting off doing it because of all the reasons you list and because having a document which says what to do with our children if we die makes me want to cry. Because I’m the type of person that frequently imagines people dying and the horribleness of it all. Fun times!

    Good luck!

    Reply
  11. Elizabeth

    A little anecdote to show that making a will CAN be a positive experience:

    My husband (a lawyer) and I went to see an estate lawyer to update our wills. The estate lawyer was funny, warm, kind, and very capable. As we walked out, I unthinkingly said to my husband: “I think she’s the nicest lawyer I’ve ever met!” Thankfully, he found that amusing and not insulting!

    Good luck. I didn’t find the process to be morbid or stressful and it is nice to have the peace of mind knowing that everything is organized as it should be. I do think the fees can seem high but if you imagine the costs (financial and emotional) for your survivors if things are NOT done in a clear and professional way then it makes it seem more worthwhile.

    The worst is imagining your kids being cared for by even the nicest of relatives/friends. But I imagine you already have that all laid out in your existing will so it won’t be like you have to think through all that for the first time.

    Let us know how it goes.

    Reply
  12. hydrogeek

    I have a lawyer that I’ve had to use a lot the last few years (YAY divorce and crappy custody issues) and he did mine, including weird stuff because of my custody issues for $250, and it was basically painless. However, he already had all my info, and I’d already put his kids through college, so I suspect he gave me a break. Regardless it really wasn’t all that much to decide, then he emailed it to me and I took it to a public notary and she grabbed 2 people in her office to witness it for me. It’s currently in my dad’s fireproof safe.

    Reply
  13. Emily

    Alright, I AM a lawyer, so that probably colors my non-legal-advice comment. Take this with a cellar of salt.

    I don’t think the questions for a basic will are hard or scary. And unless you’re very wealthy and have lots of tax consequences to consider, it’s mostly run-of-the-mill, fill-in-the-blank-type stuff.

    Most lawyers charge a flat fee for simple wills . Not knowing where you live or what the legal market rates are around there, I would cautiously guesstimate that you can both have wills and maybe trusts for any children who are still minors at the time of your demise drafted for less than $1,500.

    The lawyer will probably send you paperwork to fill out beforehand that keeps the length of your actual appointment with him short. It will have all the who, where, and what questions for you to answer.

    You shouldn’t have to provide your own witnesses (someone from the attorney’s staff will probably do it).

    All decisions should be in the paperwork you fill out before your appointment. The pre-appointment stuff gives you and Paul a chance to mull over all those things before you’re put on the spot when you’re sitting in front of the lawyer.

    The part about life support is a durable power of attorney for healthcare, and it’s something completely separate from a will. No need to do one if you don’t want to.

    Making a will is really no big deal, and certainly nothing to fret about. Happy estate planning!

    Reply
  14. Elizabeth

    Also, to answer one of your questions:

    How complicated it is depends a great deal on your assets. If you have a wide variety of assets there is more to think about. And it also depends a bit on the number and type of beneficiaries you are going to include. A good lawyer will make it as easy as possible. And there shouldn’t be any surprise add-ons to your bill. I’ve even known a lawyer who waives his/her fee on simple wills and asks that you make a donation to a charity instead.

    I think people have given great answers to the rest of your questions.

    Reply
  15. Bethtastic

    What they all said…
    Except for the cost part. Because that $1500 made me choke on my Pepsi. Come to my small town. One of the lawyers here in town did our will (including the living will, durable POA stuff) for $200.

    It’s painless, except apparently, for that $1200-1500 part. Yikes.

    Reply
  16. RA

    I put this on my husband’s summer to-do list (he is a teacher) last summer, and he squeaked in just under the deadline before school started last fall. So! We don’t have children and our finances are fairly straight-forward, but we used a local attorney, and the process was fairly painless. The weirdest parts were calling our siblings and asking them to be willing to be that person who takes drastic action when we are incapacitated. The attorney’s office supplied the witnesses and took care of the storage without an additional fee, I believe. I think ours was like $400 or so. Is that very expensive? It seemed worth it to us to have it done with.

    Reply
  17. michelleJ

    Thanks for getting us all thinking about this, Swistle. This has been on our to-do list for awhile now.
    My husband and I did a will package about five years ago, in Texas, and it was about $400. I am looking now to update in the Seattle area, and I am seeing prices two to three times that.
    Can any attorney commenters provide some basic info (or opinions!) about trusts??

    Reply
  18. Cherie Beyond

    I have no advice to add but I want to say I was just thinking again this morning about how we need to do this FOR THE LOVE and here you are, doing it. So I’m emailing lawyers now.

    Reply
  19. parodie

    I have no experience with this (I don’t have a will – but I have no kids), but I know from helping with premarital counselling that if you have kids you REALLY should get a will. Laws vary by location as to who will get the kids and whether your kids will automatically inherit any assets, and if you don’t have a will it can end up not being what you expect (I was in Qc, and I know the answer was not what most people would have guessed). Similar to all those stories above about things not ending up well – and once kids are involved, this is much more significant!

    Reply
  20. Emily

    My husband was an electrician in a past life and a neighbor who is a family lawyer needed a ceiling fan, so bam! I’m ready to live in a commune. None of this money stuff.
    Painless, and kind of fun. But when we were dating we played a game we called Hypothetical. So maybe not so fun for everyone?

    Reply
  21. Heidi J

    We did this a few years ago and it wasn’t bad. We used a friend’s husband who’s an attorney that does wills as a side job. It wasn’t crazy expensive, but it wasn’t cheap either. Definitely under $500.

    It wasn’t hard or scary, though some of things we had to decide weren’t the most fun things to think about.

    It wasn’t just fill in the blanks, but there really were only a handful of major decisions that had to be made. Mainly who would be in charge of what if we died.

    I talked with the attorney by email beforehand, so we knew what decisions we needed to make, then he came to our house to finish up the paperwork. We were prepared for the questions and decisions we had to make and there weren’t any upsells. Since he came to our house, we did have to find our own witnesses. We just walked across the street and asked our neighbors to witness for us. It was a little awkward, but not bad.

    Reply
  22. Janet

    Funny you should ask this now, since my husband and I just had our first appointment this week with an attorney. Ours has a set fee of about $300 that includes a basic will, health directives, and durable power of attorney. We could have chosen to not have him draw up the other documents, but the price would have been the same without them. His fee is per person, because you each need your own will and documents.

    Our process was to meet with the attorney (he said it should take 60-90 minutes and it took 150, but we had some weird situations to cover), then in about a week he will email us the draft documents which we can review, we take all the time we need to ask questions, then we visit his office for the final signing (and he will find witnesses for us there).

    In our case, we opted to pay the one-time $20 fee to have our wills filed with the county in the will depository. For us, it was the most reasonable way to handle it, after reviewing the other scenarios. Until you die, you are the only person that has access (with proper identification) to the original in the depository. After death, it becomes a public document and a copy can be retrieved with a death certificate.

    This basic will covers all the currently foreseeable eventualities, so it should not be out of date as soon as one of our parents dies, for example. You have kids, but they are minors, so you will have decisions to make in terms of guardianship that we didn’t have to think about.

    While I found it emotionally exhausting to go through the attorney’s questionnaire (he asked questions and took all the necessary notes), I feel very relieved to have gotten the process started.

    Reply
  23. emmegebe

    Am I the only one wondering why the DIY software version no longer meets your needs?

    My DH and I did online wills through N o l o . c o m for our simple boilerplate wills. They are $35 each, and we got one at half price when they had a sale. So, for just a little over $50 we both made perfectly adequate valid wills. In our state they don’t even have to be notarized but we did that anyway, for free at our bank.

    I also used a free online version of a power of attorney for healthcare for a relative. It was fill-in-the-blank and then we had to have two witnesses sign it. The hospital and doctor’s office accepted it just fine.

    Reply
    1. Swistle Post author

      I don’t think there’s a single “Am I the only one?” question that has an answer of “Yes!”

      It’s because I’ve never been confident that we did the software ones correctly for what we wanted. Many of the questions were confusing to me, or left me thinking, “Well, that depends,” or made me nervous because there wasn’t space for enough back-up choices. I had different answers for if I were the only one who died or for if my husband and I BOTH died, and there was no room to clarify those answers, or to ask the software questions to make sure we understood what it was asking. When I proof-read the will, I didn’t understand the legal language and felt like I needed to scribble all over it, clarifying and adding to make sure it said what I’d meant it to say—and in fact I ended up hand-writing a second part to add to it, summarizing/clarifying what it was we’d intended with the wills, in case we accidentally did it all wrong. But THAT makes me nervous TOO: what if I’ve ruined everything by writing the clarifications? I’d like to have it done by someone who knows what they’re doing, rather than by someone who really, really doesn’t (i.e., me). So that’s something I’ve been meaning to do all these years, fretting this whole time about it, and now we’re finally going to do it.

      Reply
  24. g~

    Did this quite a few years ago. The hardest part was separating yourself from the IDEA of what you’d want. It’s never perfect and you’ll be dead so you have to make the best choice you can the moment you’re sitting in front of the lawyer. It sounds harsh but ultimately, it was very…freeing. I was super glad we did it. I think we paid about $250 (small town, in the South). We have a copy and the lawyer’s office has a copy.

    Reply
  25. Holly

    Trust! Do a living trust! Yes, it’s more money now, but it avoids probate for your children/heirs – so you’re paying a lawyer one way or another, either now to make the trust, or it comes out of the estate when the heirs are forced to reconcile assets at your death. I figured it was better to avoid making heirs go through that nasty legal process, potentially paying more money in taxes and definitely still paying legal fees, all while grieving. It’s also a handy receptacle for all those various retirement plans, life insurance policies, and bank accounts. We signed our trust documents this year on Valentine’s Day – not on purpose – but it’s funny, some of my friends said it was romantic because we were taking charge of our combined future, others thought it morbid.

    Reply
  26. Julia

    we were pretty casual about choosing a guardian for our sons. Then a local family had a car accident and the parents both died, leaving two teens. It hit home and we talked a LOT about who we REALLY trusted to raise our kids. Then the person we named made a comment that made me sure it couldn’t be her. (She said her children would not have the option of dropping out or delaying college). So we started over. We also asked our attorney to include who we would NOT want to be guardian (a crazy sister in law who would certainly fight for them). So there is thought to be put into it, and in the end it’s quite comforting. Can be changed when circumstances change as well. It’s your way of getting to answer the question “what if”. It’s so important.

    Reply
  27. Janet

    Ooh, I can answer these questions! We did this about 1.5 years ago right after our twins were born.

    We did not find the process hard or scary in the least. If I recall, the process was: initial meeting with a lawyer (who came to our house!) to discuss the basics and we could tell her our initial thoughts and she could tell us what the process was. Then she drafted a few basic documents (will, power of attorney, health care directive). Then we made minor edits to the documents. Then she came over to our house again (since we had two newborns), brought her husband as our witness, and we all signed everything. Then we made copies and scanned copies, put the originals in a safe deposit box at the bank, and gave copies to our people named in the will.

    We wanted pretty standard wills, so we started from a simple place. If I die, everything goes to husband, then kids, then sister, then sister’s kids. We had to pick guardians and backup guardians for kids, and someone to be the executor. For the health care, we kept it even simpler. Instead of listing possible freaky scenarios and what should be done, we just named each other as the person to make all decisions, figuring we would know best what the spouse would want to be done to us in case of an extreme situation.

    We did not set up any kind of trust for the kids. This kept things simple. Trusts get complicated. (A trust would be created if we both died, for the kids, but not before that.)

    I think we paid $500 each for the 3 docs but this was in DC where everything is mucho expensive. No additional weird fees for anything, except what we pay the bank for our safe deposit box ($10/year).

    I was sleep deprived, but I really think it was 2 appointments and some document reviewing and a few conversations.

    Honestly I found it very painless (though not exactly cheap). Parts that eased the pain significantly: lawyer coming to my house instead of me having to lug babies anywhere; no family drama about where kids would go, who gets money, etc.

    Reply
  28. Kelsey D

    We’re in Canada but I thought it was extremely easy. We went through a lawyer’s office. Called them and told them we wanted a Will made, he asked us a few questions. We went down there once… signed some papers and wrote in our children’s official names, how we wanted the money split between them, and if we were to pass away when they were still children who would be in charge of the money until they reached age. We also put a clause in there (on recommendation of the lawyer) that they will be entitled to the money from age 18-25 in allotments to cover their schooling but no more (as overseen by a family member that we put in charge of the money…power of attorney, I think??) and then once they are 25 years then they have access to the estate. He said so many times he’s seen 18 years old get the money and blow it and later wish that they hadn’t. I think it was only about $150 or so. He quickly filled in the blanks in his computer (to add the names of our kids and the family member who would be elected to look after kiddos/money) and then printed off and got us to sign. I believe we had to come back once to pick up the additional copies.

    Also, a lot of the banks (at least up here) have a lawyer that can also complete these for you as well. That’s the route my parents went and it was reasonably cheap as well. I think they had to go back once as well.

    We didn’t do the medical directives though, just for the kids and family and money. I was surprised at how easy it was.

    Reply
  29. Kris

    In Florida, it costs us around $500 for a package- wills, poa, health care, etc. We went to a lawyer to ‘update’ our DIY ones, which was great because there were some Florida laws we didn’t know about (like conditions about who could serve as executor or personal rep), and I felt like we didn’t leave anything out. The in-charge of children was a bit difficult to think about, and our lawyer suggested naming more than one, in case someone declined or their circumstances changed, etc.

    We don’t have complicated finances or assets, though. But another helpful tidbit was that we added a line about the attached list of ‘personal inventory bequests’ (like, my favorite green sweater goes to my college roommate). The list wasn’t anything official as part of the will, but I could update it as often as I wanted.

    Does the timing of your post have anything to do with “National Health Care Decisions Day”? I heard about it on NPR yesterday: http://www.nhdd.org/public-resources

    Reply
  30. Jody

    I don’t remember how much the process cost us, so it must not have been breathtakingly high ($1500! Whoa!) but it wasn’t cheap-cheap, either. There were a LOT of questions, and it took two appointments, but then we went for a nice celebratory lunch together. It felt good to answer the questions, too, even if the scenarios were awful (we have ALL died in a car crash: now who gets the assets? what if THEY TOO are dead?). I felt that the lawyer earned his fee just by knowing all of the various “but what if THIS” questions — we too had done something with NOLO and it was not adequate for our needs.

    We do not have A LOT of assets, but spouse’s employers have generously funded his 401(k) and the lawyer was able to figure out a process to guarantee that the children would get those funds (in the scenario where BOTH OF YOU ARE DEAD AND GONE) without a lot of complicated tax issues.

    One thing I had NOT expected was that we needed to change all the secondary beneficiaries on our retirement accounts and the life-insurance policy. So I thought I had jumped the hurdle when I’d left the lawyer’s office, but NO, I also needed to visit a variety of websites and go through the various “no, I do NOT remember my password for this stupid site I never visit” hoops, and in one case we needed to print out a document and get it notarized and actually go to the post office to send it registered mail, which was A PAIN. (That was the life-insurance policy, which we took out right after the children were born and meant to follow closely with the will, but the will took another TEN YEARS because it seemed so overwhelming.)

    In case I wasn’t clear, this is because we set up one of those fancy trusts that makes us sound like the Rockefellers but actually just lets the executor sell our house and have the guardian use the money to pay for the children’s care without paying taxes.

    In our state, we did not have to consider ANY of the bits-and-pieces distributions in the formal will. When (IF) we want, we can write up a little list, “give my diaries to my best friend to burn, give these items to this child and those items to another child” and sign it and stick it in a folder with the will and it will count.

    On the other hand, there are several pages of description of what happens to the children (THIS person gets custody, THAT person overlooks the finances, YES you want them to be separate insists the lawyer, even IF you don’t have two people you think can get along very well under ANY circumstances, let alone the event of your MUTUAL DEMISE) — but ALL of that is only a strong recommendation, a judge still gets to decide for herself in the end.

    Our lawyer does keep a copy of the will, but it’s got something to do with state law here, and we also have a copy, and I believe we were meant to send copies to our two executors (the one who closes the estate, the one who oversees the trust if we both die while the children were minors — OH, and now I am ALSO remembering that we had to have one of those people even if just ONE of us died, although I don’t know if that was a requirement or just what the lawyer advised but it was the MOST DIFFICULT of the questions to answer — especially because we each got to choose different people for each other, HA).

    Now I am confusing you, but that’s why I was so glad to have a lawyer, because it was also confusing to me, and it was nice whenever I got confused to just ask, “well, what do you recommend?” and then do that thing.

    We did do the various health-related directives at the same time, and maybe because it was folded up with everything else, it didn’t feel especially scary or awful. Plus, bonus, we found out that we both agreed with each other’s feelings and that was good.

    Anyway, good luck! I hope you find a nice lawyer!

    Reply
  31. Brigid Keely

    It’s apparently the hardest thing in the world, because five years ago my dad breezily told me that BY THE WAY they wanted me to be executor of my parents’ estate, yet they have no wills. And after five years (five! years!!) of asking them about it, pointing them to websites about wills, and sending them lists of documents I will need, they still have no wills and I might end up refusing the executrix position because come ON get your act together people.

    Which isn’t immediately helpful to you, but please trust me when I say whoever you chose as your executor will really appreciate you having your act together and it’s super awesome you’re thinking about this.

    Reply
  32. Superjules

    Sometimes I find that I am less intimidated by things when I call them different names. It’s … odd, but it seems to work for me. So if I were going to do this I might think to myself “Oh I have an appointment with Wilhelm today” or “I’ve got to get my paperwork together for Sir Williamson.” Or something. I dunno. That’s all I’ve got.

    Reply
    1. Jenny

      Incidentally, this was the thing that stuck with me. I’m trying to think of what I would call my new counselor/ therapist. “Got an appointment with Count van Sellor today,” maybe.

      Reply
  33. Jill

    I’m late and not super helpful, but here goes anyway. We made up our will 5 years ago when my oldest was like 2 weeks old. My husband is military, so we went to see the JAG (it’s free for us) and all I remember really was being super awkward about trying to nurse my newborn in his office without making a big scene. It was basically a session where he asked us fill-in-the-blank type stuff, most of which we had already agreed about but some of which was different (i.e. my husband wants to be buried somewhere specific, I want to be cremated, etc). The biggest thing for us was picking who would get our baby. We had to go back again a week or so later to read/sign the final copy, but generally it was painless. Except, possibly, for the JAG who had to deal with an extremely inexperienced super freaking out new mother breastfeeding in his office.

    Reply
  34. Alison

    I haven’t read the other comments, and I will admit that I’m a lawyer, so that may color my opinions, though I don’t work in the area of wills/estates at all.

    We had wills and associated documents drawn up by an attorney last year. Our assets are not terribly complicated but we did do a few extra things and it was still quite easy and straight forward. We filled out a questionnaire, met with the attorney, answered a few follow up questions by phone, then reviewed and signed the documents at her office. The attorney will almost always provide the witnesses (usually support staff in the office).

    While I imagine they will offer you the usual “package” of documents (will+living will etc.) you can certainly do just the will – no problem. While it wasn’t cheap, I really didn’t think it was terrible. I think she quoted us ~1000 at the outset, but we ended up adding on some services that increased the cost somewhat.

    I believe the attorney will keep a copy of your documents for a certain period of time as standard practice. I have never heard of a charge for this. We have copies of ours in a safe, safe deposit box, and with a family member. I can’t think of any surprise expenses to warn you of – you will be billed for things like postage/copies but those are pretty minor.

    If you have the choice, and want to control the cost, I would probably opt for someone who does the work for a preset, contracted price, as opposed to billing by the hour.

    The only other thing I can think to warn you about (and it mays depend on how things work in your state) is that our custody documents for the children were separate from the will itself. I think that’s pretty typical – but again, not my practice area.

    Good luck!

    Reply
  35. april

    Alright, I guess I should do this too (stomps feet a little). I always felt that if everyone agrees who gets the kids (my inlaws) and the money/assets (the kids, or my inlaws if they are still under 18) that it didn’t really matter. Or that I could just notarize a paper that said all that and it was good enough. Bah on being an adult.

    Reply
  36. liz

    We wrote our own (we live in a state where that’s okay, provided it’s in your own handwriting and notarized). Ours is simple: everything to the other unless they’re dead, in which case everything to our son, unless he’s dead, in which case everything to his kids, if he has any. If not, everything to our sisters equally, unless they’re dead, in which case, everything to their kids equally, unless they’re dead, in which case everything to our parents, unless they’re dead, in which case everything to the ASPCA. Although I’m gonna change that last part to a different charity.

    Re: guardians. ASK the people you want to have do it first, and TELL everyone. Don’t let it be a mess when you’re gone. We have my sister as first line, his sister as second line (if my sister should predecease us).

    You can actually get a health care proxy form beforehand, so you’re prepared for the questions the lawyer will ask, if you go the lawyer route. Writing out your wishes is not as hard as you’d think.

    Reply
  37. Jenny

    Good luck. Looking forward to reading all the comments on this one. [As a nonpracticing lawyer, FWIW: Having DIY software-generated legal documents vetted by an attorney licensed in your state is always a good idea, but I think it’s especially important for anything related to end-of-life.] We had a series of seminars on caregiving and EOL issues at UU church recently and I had to let myself off the hook from attending all of them, because the benefit of having additional info was being outweighed by the major emotional fallout. This is probably due to timing more than anything else–I was in a caregiving role at that time and some of the issues under discussion were not at all abstract. Strangely, some months earlier, I’d been in a UU ethics class, and EOL issues came up in every single meeting, no matter what the planned topic had been. Several folks in the class were nurses, and that may have had something to do with it, but I think it’s also that caregiving is becoming ubiquitous.

    Reply
  38. Shawna

    So I’m probably not adding anything original here – I think we did ours for around $400, but it was extra for the POAs (which are so, so important – I know for a fact that my dad should never be allowed to make medical decisions for me, for example, and if our kids need to be looked after by someone while we’re incapacitated that person needs access to some of our money so that our kids aren’t a financial burden).

    I needed to provided backup people for several things, and backups to the backups. It took two appointments, but also some emailing in between because I had to figure out several scenarios for division of assets if our core family of four all got wiped out at once – none of my siblings have kids yet but when and if they do I wanted to provide some extra help for them over and above what they’d get as a sibling on their own. Also, I want my mom to be able to retire comfortably, but if she predeceases me then I don’t have to worry about her. This meant a few “if… then… but if… then…” scenarios.

    The only part I really teared up about was when we talked about what to do with our remains when we shuffle off this mortal coil. Not sure why, except maybe that it felt more “when” than “if” than the other stuff.

    Reply
  39. Sian

    No knowledge about wills, but I know they can be awfully specific. I am the guardian to my sister’s CATS (someone else gets the kids) and there is money to allow me to upgrade my living situation to allow me to care for them in the luxury to which they have become accustomed.

    Reply
  40. Jess

    Hey Swistle, thanks for reminding me to get a will on my to-do list (our daughter is 5 months old). Wanted to share a physician’s perspective on medical directives. The default in the US health system is do everything to save the person in question, as humanely and with as much dignity as possible. A physician in the hospital usually doesn’t have access to directives in an emergency, so they speak with the family members. The extent of medical intervention is context- and family-dependent. So the most powerful way to clarify your wishes is to tell your spouse whether there’s anything you would not want done in an emergency. NOT FUN, but important. Writing it up legally is a way start the conversation and express yourself if no one else is there to do it for you. Okay, now I need to practice what I preach!

    Reply
  41. idena

    We had wills done when I was pregnant with my daughter (oldest son was 3). That 3 year old is now 21. And we haven’t updated the will at all, and I now wonder if I still know where it is.
    Thanks for this post…. I now have “find will and get it updated” on my the top of my to-do list!

    Reply
  42. Hope

    Not sure if this has been mentioned yet and I know you already met with a lawyer, but just wanted to out this out there: My dad convinced my husband and I to get wills because if your spouse were to die without a will all bank accounts in the spouse’s name (even joint accounts) would be frozen until everything could get worked out. So it’s important for people without kids too!

    Reply
  43. Anna

    I hope that you will post up answers to your questions based on your experiences!!

    I lost my older brother and sister in the past two years and neither had a will. I moved home recently to help my parents and they have a trust — but with my older brother and sister listed for everything. So, I feel like we need to update everything.

    One thing I heard recently was to make the list of all the accounts and all the passwords, including online stuff like blogs and facebook … and to include in your will what you would like done with your online presence.

    I have so much else going on that I haven’t gotten to any of that yet or to a will for myself either …

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.